A/N: This story is an idea I had a while ago-totally tequila induced-and asked several other writers to tackle for me via prompts. Either the things I come up with while under the influence are too much for normal people, or they are all working on it and haven't finished…but either way they totally ignored my ass. Whatever; I got impatient so this is my way of getting the scenario out of my head.

I've read several stories where the guys try to get in Samcedes' business and figure out how far the two of them got physically that first summer. In most of them, Puck is there and never fails to say something along the lines of "I taught Trouty everything he knows." So I wondered how the story would unfold if Puck really had given Sam a few tips for showing Cedes a 'lil love. Then I decided to take it a step further and explore the possibility that Puck taught all of his Glee bros how to treat their women in bed, and it didn't stop at tips.

This is more than a little OOC for Sam. I admit to that, and own it. Puck, however, would absolutely love an excuse to ask for dirty details about his friends' sex lives. I enjoy writing in Puck's voice; it totally frees up a lot of mental energy that I would otherwise spend trying to find polite words for things.

The first chapter takes place some time around June 2, 2011.

Disclaimer: I do not now, nor have I ever claimed any ownership of Glee, its characters, or the way those characters are mistreated on television. I wouldn't claim the hot mess this show has become for anything in the world.

Puck POV

You're never gonna believe who I saw up in CVS today, buying condoms.… I was in there, coming up the aisle to get some lube (cause me and Zizes just ran out) and ran into Sam "McBieber-Virgin" Evans. Dude was looking all sheisty while trying to decide between the gold box of Magnums, and the black box of Magnum XL. I watched him long enough to see him lip-reading the labels, switching his head back and forth from one box to the other. I guess he was trying to figure out if his junk was super huge or just regular huge. Anyway, he didn't see me coming, so I shoulder checked him into the display, and laughed when he squealed like a bitch.

"Sup V-Card, who the hell's popping your cherry tonight?"

"Hey, Puckerman," he says, putting the ones in the black box back on the shelf. "That's funny; anyway, gotta go, see ya around…"

Now I was curious, so I wasn't about to let his ass get away.

"Oh, hell no… slow your roll motherfucker, I asked you a question. Who you 'bout to get freaky with?"

"Nobody," he said, looking all shifty eyed; he was lying his ass off.

"So why you spending all your pizza delivery tips on rubbers?"

He looked around like he was debating something, "Can you keep a secret?" he finally asked.

"Fuck yeah, you can trust me…"

Then I wondered why I needed to keep quiet.

"…why you keeping it hush-hush? You about to bang a ugly chick?"

"No, nothing like that its just…"

He took a deep breath.

"… I have new girlfriend and my dad told me I couldn't take her on another date until I bought a box of condoms. He says we're getting too close too fast and he doesn't want to see me end up like you," he finished, smirking his ass off.

"I hear you, asshole" I said to the unfunny motherfucker. "So who is it? My Babymama get her hooks back into you?"

"Quinn? No way, dude; I'm done with scary chicks… and you know she's been going off the deep end since Prom." Then he got that look he gets when he's thinking real hard about something. "Plus, did you guys ever notice how the two of us kind of look alike?"

"Yeah, we did; it was gross…So, Satan? She letting you be her beard again?"

"No, didn't I just say I was leaving crazy girls alone? Anyway, I'm pretty sure she's out of the closet now. She and Brit make out in Breadstixx, like every night."

"So… who's the new Cheerio?

"She's not a Cheerio; not anymore anyway. I've been hanging out with this girl for a while now but she wants to keep it a secret. You promised to keep your mouth shut, remember?"

"Okay, spill."

"It's Mercedes."

"MERCEDES JONES?"

The hell?

"You're getting naked with Mercedes?"

How'd he pull her?

"You're shitting me!"

Must be that Southern gentleman bullshit.

"Where was I when this was going down?"

"Hey, shut your fucking mouth you asswipe! You said you would be quiet!" Sam whisper-yelled.

"Sorry, dude; you caught me off guard…"

White bread and Divalicious?

"I mean the Puckasaurus didn't get anywhere near tapping that; and I've been watching her switch her ass down the halls since 6th grade…"

I thought Sam liked his chicks skinny and mean.

"…Don't even get me started on her tits man. I'm saying, the shit I would do to that girl if I had half a …"

Guess I went too far, cause that's when he went upside my head.

"…Hey, watch the hawk!"

"Hey, dumbass; that's my girl you're talking about. Keep your nasty mind off-a her body."

"Whatever dude, but you gotta let me know when she lets you hit that!" I saw this head-slap coming so I ducked before he connected.

"Bro, I'm only gonna say this one more time…we are not fucking! Look, what happened was, last week, Mercedes came over to the motel to baby-sit the twins while I was at work…"

Huh? I thought Que was his main babysitter…

"…when I came in, I went to the bathroom and took a shower. Afterward, I go back in the main room and see all three of them were sitting on the bed watching The Lion King. I was about to crawl into the other bed and watch it with 'em, but you know how Stacie is."

Yeah, Stacie loves her big bro, and can whine her ass off, too.

"She got all pouty, and put on the puppy dog face 'til I got in the bed with them. At first I was on the end but the twins kept fighting so Mercy and me ended up in the middle of the kids..."

I think I see where the hell this is going.

"We all fell asleep, and you know I'm a cuddle monster…"

Yeah, Evans is one huggy motherfucker.

"…so when my dad got there, I was all snuggled into 'Cedes' chest."

I gave him a look like, 'duh' and motioned for him to go on.

"I guess my dad must have gotten a scary mental picture of teen pregnancy and young families… Anyway, he waited for Mercy to go home, then started flipping out on me about being prepared just in case. He's way off base though, I haven't even gotten under her shirt yet."

"Well, you will soon. Trust me."

"Really, how do you know?"

"Cause anytime a girl is comfortable enough with you to fall asleep with you, and risk waking up around you with morning breath, eye boogers, and bed head; you're either her gay best friend, deep in the friend zone, or she loves you enough to let you get it in. Mama already has a GBF and you two never even used to talk before prom…so its only a matter of time."

"Damn, you really are a sexologist."

"What can I say, I take my craft serious."

"Anyway, I'm gonna go now…" Evans said, backing up and trying to get away from me.

"Do yourself a favor, call me when you get some under-bra boob."

Then Evans stopped moving so he could give me a dirty look.

"Dude, I'm not gonna call you so we can talk under Mercy's clothes!"

"Trust me, its not about me wanting to know the dirty deets, I'm trying to help you. I'm for real."

"Why?"

"I'll tell you after you meet Ms. Jones' heavenly chocolate mountains face-to-face… or face-to-boob. I can't help you before then." I walk away, but turn back around to add "Oh, and Trouty; I've seen you walking around without a towel in the locker room. You need the black box, more room in the tip. See ya V-Card!" And I went home.

I know Samantha thinks I'm blowing smoke up his hole about wanting to give him some advice (and yes I do want a play-by-play whenever he does get to meet the twins), but I ain't lying about helping him out. See, the truth is, besides the 'Zilla, the only Glee stud to ever nail a chick before joining Homo Explosion was Rutherford. All the rest of 'em were so hard up you could smell how blue their balls were. Since they're all my boys, they trust me not to pop off at the mouth when they ask me for tips and shit; and it happens a lot. Basically, at one point or another, I've had to school them all on how to handle their girls in the sack.

I'm not saying I taught 'em how to talk the ladies out of their panties, that's some old-Puck kind of bullshit. I'm legit trying to be a better person and whatever, plus, I kinda respect the Glee girls too much to help the guys scam on 'em. But the chicks in Glee are pretty determined, and girls get horny just like guys do…If it looks like one of them is getting just as antsy as her boyfriend, I'm there to give the dude a little real-life help in the sex game department.

First was Finn, when Santana decided she wanted to turn him into a man. I'm not gonna lie, I knew I wasn't gonna have to do to much teaching in his case, 'cause Santana is a sex shark, and she was gonna be doing the schooling. But I did give him a few tips; like, I told him to wear two condoms, to keep him from coming too quick (he's notorious for popping off early). Then I gave him a video I made of a threesome I had with Satan and Britt, so he could see what kinda shit she likes with his own two eyes.

Then, since I know Finn ain't the brightest bulb in the box, I made sure to spell some shit out for him; like I told him to play with her clit before going anywhere near her pussy to get her wet, and to remember that Tana's bi which means she definitely likes her kitty licked, and that he better not even think about poking her before she gets off at least once… that kind of stuff.

I know that Tana likes to tell anybody that'll listen to her that Finnocence was bad in bed; cause I heard it from at least three different people. But Finn told me Satan tried to steal him from Rachel before Kurt's dad's wedding, and Satan never goes back for seconds if the dick ain't worth shit; so I figure he must have taken my lesson pretty good.

Then, I helped Artie out. Him and me got pretty cool after I first got out of Juvie. A-Team used to come with me while I was on highway cleanup duty and tutor me in geometry while I worked. But my attention span ain't shit, so we would stop the learnin' every 30 minutes or so to bullshit. Thing you gotta understand about guys like Bluetooth and Samantha, is that they're a couple of sensitive mo-fo's who like to talk feelings and cry and shit. So while I was poking at trash with the pointy stick thing, Artie would wheel behind me holding a garbage bag and bare his damn soul.

One day he told me Brit basically snuck up and took his virginity, and that he was regretting letting her in his draws. Wheels was whining, because all he could think of to do while she rode him was lay there thanking Jesus, waving his Praise hand. I listened to him, and wondered two things. One: Artie is Jewish; (I know because team Abrams sits right behind team Puckerman most Saturdays at Temple) so why the hell does my Hebrew bro need a 'praise Jesus hand?' And two: why the hell was he telling this shit to me?

Turns out, Robo-Nerd was all worried Brittany wasn't gonna let him ever hit it again, and that she would tell somebody he was a bad lay. Now from personal experience, I know Britt ain't nothing like Tana. She gives every person she bangs, dude or chick, at least three chances to satisfy her. Plus, Wheels is on the football team, so he's pretty much automatically on the Friday night Fuck Brit rotation if he wants to be. He was definitely gonna get his chance to impress her with his sex skills, as long as he didn't act like a pussy when his turn came up.

When I let him know all this, dude started talking about researching ways to get her off, and babbling about all the freaky shit in cyberspace he could try. Then he looked at me and got this mad creeper-y look in his eye. I was kinda worried he was gonna ask to try some shit out on me; but turns out he just wanted to use me like a dick-em-down encyclopedia. He asked me if I could offer him some 'practical knowledge' to go along with his research, just to make sure he did right by Britt.

I figured it would count as extra community service if I helped him gain a rep as a robo-stud, plus I was bored as hell and thought it might be kinda funny to school him; so I took Artie to Chez Puckerman and helped him upstairs to my room. I set him up next to my bed while I went into my walk-in closet. I don't need a walk in, I only have like 4 pairs of jeans, ten button downs, and maybe 15 tee shirts. But the house has a lot of closet room, and it comes in handy for my porn.

I brought out all of my titty mags, a box of DVDs and this cool anatomy poster I thugged from the health room last year. I used to get high and pull it out cause the poster is bigger than life-sized, and it shows a couple standing their naked with all their junk hanging out. Chick's vag is the size of my head, and that shit is funny as fuck when you're blazed. Anyway, I brought all this over to Wheels and class was in session.

We watched a few porn flicks, and I fast forwarded through to the parts where the guys were on bottom, so Wheels could see what the dudes were doing with their hands while the chicks rode 'em. Then I showed him the anatomy poster so he'd know what to look for. Then, we did a little question-answer session where the genius picked the brain of the sex shark. It was pretty cool having something I could teach him for once, especially since he'd been torturing me with geometry for weeks. After I let him borrow a few issues of Jugs (who knew A-team was a ta-ta man?), I helped him down stairs to wait for his dad to come pick him up.

Before Artie left, he thanked me and told me I should think about opening up a school for virgins and near-virgins after high school; he said I had too much knowledge to let it go to waste, and that it might keep me out of trouble later on. Then he left.

I heard later on that Brit was telling everybody in school that Handi-man laid dropped the bomb on her. Dude's got a rep as a true stud now, all thanks to me. I've said it before, and I'm-a say it again; I'm the best community servic-er EVER!