I staggered into the quarters I shared with my wingmates, systems strained nearly to breaking. To say that training at the War Academy is rigorous would be a gross understatement. Many don't survive, and those that do are rarely still sane. I wanted nothing more than to collapse on a bunk and be blessedly offline until my internal repair made the dull ache of abused systems go away.

My wingmates were still gone- we were currently being trained individually. Nothing is more stressful than being separated from the two beings that know you the best and then being forced to go on as if alone. This was the course most Seekers failed at; estranged from the only ones you trust, it's hard to fight effectively. The three of us hadn't seen much of one another in weeks. Our respective schedules had been deliberately adjusted to give us completely diametric schedules. Only one was ever in our quarters at any given time.

Seekers, as a general rule, don't like to be alone. I can't stand being alienated from my wingmates for long periods of time. Quite frankly, I was already going absolutely stir-crazy. We were grouped for a reason- their abilities complement mine; their mere presence gives me the strength to continue in this mad quest called training. Put simply, I need them. Conversely, I know they need me… But I am afraid. No, I am petrified with fear at the emotions my 'mates stir within me. Triads are together until death; I will spend the rest of my life with these two. The idea both thrills and terrifies me. Ramjet had been pushing for bonds before we were so unceremoniously separated; Thrust and I both were reticent towards the idea for reasons of our own. Now, on my own, I can't help but wonder why I fought the suggestion so hard. Maybe then I wouldn't be so alone…

Strangely enough, Ramjet was there, stretched out on one of the three berths, obviously recharging. I frowned and silently debated rousing him. One member's failure reflects on the entire triad, after all. I'd hate for us all to get in trouble for Ramjet's delinquency… Upon closer inspection, though, it was obvious that Ramjet had been more than a little roughed up during the day's training. His fighting style of choice often leaves his internal systems in a mess. Apparently, he'd crashed one too many times and was sent home to recalibrate after repairs. I honestly don't know why it still surprises me when that happens…

Deciding that Ramjet would be fine, I trudged wearily over to an unoccupied bunk and collapsed with a moan, my optics flickering off by their own accord. I don't know how long I had been recharging before I felt someone shaking me, trying to pull me out of my extremely comfortable state of non-feeling.

"Go away," I muttered, refusing to look to see who it was.

"Dirge… C'mon, rise and shine," the other replied. My groggy mind registered the voice as Ramjet's, which only made me that much more determined to be as stubborn as possible.

"No. Leave me alone." I jerked away from him, finally allowing my optics to activate.

"This is the first time I've seen you in four weeks, Dirge," Ramjet replied, nudging me over so he could sit down on the side of the berth. "I just want to talk to you."

"I don't wanna talk." Was I really saying this? I'd been pining over my wayward wingmates for days, and now I was pushing Ramjet away? I scowled at my own indecisiveness and Ramjet's expression changed to one of complete confusion.

"Alright… Sorry." He rose on shaking legs, stumbling back to the bunk he'd already claimed as his own. I couldn't help but feel a twinge of guilt and worry, seeing the state he was in.

"Who'd you run in to that messed you up so badly?" I asked, sitting up and casually regarding him. Ramjet winced a little before smirking at me, though I could tell he was hiding something.

"Heh… Thrust."

I boggled. "Thrust? You rammed Thrust? Why?!"

"We were pitted against each other! He's the one that sped up, daring me to hit 'im," Ramjet retorted defensively. "It hurt, too. He's still in medbay, getting pieces of me dug out of him."

I threw my hands in the air, disgusted. "So my idiotic wingmates decide to try to kill each other! Great! Nice to know I'm spending the rest of my life with such competent Seekers."

"Isn't it, though?" Ramjet grinned. "He'll be fine by tomorrow, though he'll never stop whining about it."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "We're almost done with this course, Ramjet. If Thrust isn't in the condition to pass the final, we'll all be held back," I growled. I'd had enough of the isolation. There was no way in the Pit I was going to go through any more solitude than strictly necessary.

"Relax, Dirge. Thrust'll be fine."

I rose and headed for the door. "I'm going to go check on him," I retorted, angry that Thrust was hurt, and by Ramjet, no less. He should know better! Ramjet grabbed my arm as I passed, holding me immobile.

"Please stay," he asked softly, so softly I wasn't sure if I even heard him correctly. "I haven't seen you in so long…"

"Thrust needs someone to check on him. He's prone to random bouts of stupidity, just like you," I deadpanned, pulling free. "I wouldn't want to find out he did something dumb and the medic welded him to the table for it." I turned then, not looking at Ramjet's expression. I didn't want to. I'd be back before my rest shift was over, I was certain, and we could talk then. For now, I was worried about our outspoken, unofficial wingleader.

The med bay wasn't terribly busy, as usual. It only filled up around finals time, when fellow Decepticons either came in to have their systems fine-tuned in preparation, or to have themselves welded back together after summarily getting the ever living scrap beaten out of them by someone. Or something. Or both. I quickly located Thrust and cringed at the state he was in. Ramjet wasn't kidding; bits of telltale white fuselage peppered Thrust's red hide. His nosecone was crumpled and his cockpit was shattered beyond recognition.

"Thrust?" I approached the table, setting a hand lightly on Thrust's arm. His optics flickered and he peered up at me, obviously surprised to see me.

"How'd you know I was here?"

"That idiot wingmate of ours told me," I replied softly, shooting a glare at the medic trying to shoo me away.

"I'm gonna have to beat him up for crashing into me like that," Thrust grumbled, looking away. I fought back a smirk.

"Make sure you wait until after finals."

"Of course. I wouldn't jeopardize that," Thrust said quickly. I could tell he was as tired of being alone as I. He had yet to jerk away from my touch, after all, and Thrust can be very protective of his personal space. "Aren't you supposed to be in recharge?"

"Ramjet woke me up."

"Go," Thrust ordered, pointing weakly in the vague direction of our quarters. "All three of us don't need to be busted."

"But if we're all damaged, we'll be forced to be around each other as our systems recover," I reminded him. He made a face, shaking his head ever so slightly. I could hear something rattle at the movement, and winced for him.

"It's not worth it. Go on now, get out of here."

Ramjet was nowhere to be seen when I returned, which was disconcerting in and of itself. He was prone to stupidity, but I thought he had more sense than to get up and wander off when his systems were on the fritz. The door swished shut behind me and I briefly entertained the thought of slipping into recharge and never getting back up.

"There you are." I spun around at the voice. Ramjet was between me and the door, smiling. I felt a brief flash of panic and backed away. I hate being powerless, more than anything else. I need to be in control. Ramjet, the dunce he is, had stolen that away from me in one swift move and I really didn't like it. "I know that you and Thrust didn't want a bond," he said, closing the distance between us and reaching out to touch my arm. I quickly jerked away, terrified now. "But Dirge… We're a triad. We were grouped together for a reason."

"Yes… Because we complement each other's abilities, I know. That's the military reason. That doesn't mean that we're supposed to…" I trailed off, unsure.

"Why are you so scared?"

"I am not!"

"I know you, Dirge. You're terrified. Why?" I shrugged a little, avoiding meeting his optics.

"Not now, Ramjet. I… Just, not now." He sighed softly and nodded.

"Augh, fine. Whatever, be stubborn. Tell me when you're ready," he told me, reaching over and stroking my cheek before walking away to lie down on the berth again. I stood, stock-still, for a long while, staring off into nothingness, the echo of his touch burning on my cheek. My thoughts were whirling in a dizzying array of 'what-ifs' that were starting to make my mind hurt. Certainly, I cared about my wingmates, deeply, in fact. We'd been a triad nearly my entire life so far. They were all I'd ever known. However, I had deliberately avoided giving a further relationship any consideration, not wanting to raise false hopes. Now, watching Ramjet in peaceful slumber, I felt my spark shift ever so slightly. Now, I could only entertain one thought, completely dazed by the powerful emotions it implied.

Am I in love…?

~~~

I am alone.

The thought continued to plague me daily. Soon after returning from the med bay after his literal run-in with Ramjet, Thrust gave in to Ramjet's advances and the two bonded. Now, I can only watch with a tinge of envy as we train together, seeing how Ramjet and Thrust are both improving by leaps and bounds, while I only continue in my much slower path of meticulous excellence. Apparently bonding tightens the group dynamic. Unfortunately, it also incites raging, bitter jealousy in the odd-man out. As much as I might want to bond now, they have no time for me. They are utterly preoccupied with one another. The only time I've gotten the attention of either wingmate was during training, when we simply haven't the time to discuss interpersonal relationships anyway. I get the impression that they aren't deliberately forgetting me. However, I am forgotten.

I never realized how much that would hurt.

-Dirge, watch where you're flying!- Ramjet's annoyed voice echoed over the comm. Realizing the perilous situation I was cruising into, I quickly pulled back into my normal position at Thrust's right, inwardly cursing my inattention. I'd been so preoccupied with musing, I nearly collided with Ramjet during a high-speed turn. Granted, he probably wouldn't have minded as much as Thrust, but we were too far into training to be able to afford delays from stupidity. Thrust and Ramjet's maneuvers were tighter than ever before and I only looked clumsy in comparison. I was seething over it, of course. I am the skilled one, the one who pulls off every task and assignment with precision and deadly elegance. They are the two morons I was assigned to work with who fly like winged Autobots and can't hit the broad side of a space cruiser. Lately, though, it seemed that the tables had turned.

"What the heck is your problem lately, Dirge?" Thrust scolded me as we transformed and landed, charging through a thick swath of practice drones. Before too long, both he and Ramjet were well ahead of me on the path of destruction and I was struggling to keep up.

"My problem?" I demanded angrily. A stray shot clipped my shoulder and I swore, whipping around to kill whatever dared to hit me. "Will you two stop leaving me behind?!"

"Maybe you should learn how to shoot!" Thrust retorted. I glowered at that but didn't dignify it with a response, being far too preoccupied with trying not to get killed. My wingmates were doing a marvelous job of watching each other's backs. I, on the other hand, was left to fend for myself.

I hate being alone…

~~~

"Dirge! Dirge, is something wrong?" I stopped as Ramjet chased me down, not in the mood for tactical retreat. Ramjet's too stubborn to let me escape, anyway. We'd finished training only a few breems ago, and I'd stormed out of the practice room as soon as our instructor dismissed us.

"No. I'm fine."

"You've been skulking about like you were beaten up," he retorted matter-of-factly, catching up and touching my arm. As usual, I flinched away. I will initiate contact when I deem it so, at a time of my choosing, I thought angrily. No sooner. Ramjet glowered at me. "You know, I don't get it, Dirge. You're all depressed because you're left out-"

"I am not depressed."

"Liar. You act like Thrust and I should come and beg and grovel for your attention, but when we try to talk to you, you take off. What is with you?"

"Nothing is 'with' me, Ramjet."

"We don't want to leave you out." The admission was soft, quiet, and it stabbed through me like a knife. "We're a triad, Dirge. A unit of three that acts as one."

"I know. You think I've never heard that Seeker dogma? I want to bond, it's just… I…" I shrugged helplessly, unsure of how to explain the nebulous fears that kept me from seeking out my wingmates. He touched my cheek, sending shivers down the length of my body. My knees were threatening to give out and I stubbornly locked them.

"Oh… I see. You want it to be precisely how you have it planned, don't you?" Ramjet murmured, as if he'd received sudden clarity on the issue. I nodded a little, looking away sheepishly. "I forgot about your perfectionist streak." He smirked.

"I'm not a perfectionist." He laughed at that, taking my arm and yanking me towards our quarters. "Hey! Let me go!"

"You're not going to hide anymore, Dirge."

"I'm not hiding, but I'm going to start if you don't let go and leave me alone!" I yowled, flailing in an effort to get away.

"This is for your own good."

"I don't like the sound of that…" He gave me a final shove and I tumbled into our quarters. Thrust was nowhere to be seen, even though he should logically be on a recharge cycle, too. "Where's Thrust?"

"Somewhere else," Ramjet replied vaguely. "It's just you and me now." I just stared at him, shocked. Yes, he tended to be pushy, but to force a bond…? I backed away, finding myself pinned into a corner. "C'mon, Dirge… I'm not going to hurt you."

"…Says the jet who deliberately rams other jets for fun."

"Point." Ramjet considered that for a moment, grinning. "Well, it's said that you often hurt the ones you love…"

"In that case, you love everybody, Ramjet." I glowered, trying to maintain some outward veneer of dignity as my mind panicked and demanded I find an escape. Now. "This isn't funny."

"I'm not joking." Ramjet fixed me with a serious look. "Thrust and I discussed it, and we both figured that you'd probably rather bond with me first-"

"How would you know?!" I cried out, frustrated and hating how I was cornered. I need to be in control of my situation; Ramjet knows that. He was deliberately pushing me, and I chafed at the lack of power I currently possessed. I had to call the shots. "What if I don't want either of you in my head?! Did you even consider that?" Ramjet's startled expression answered for him. I shoved him out of the way, storming towards the door.

"Dirge…" His hand clamped down on my shoulder, meaning to stop me. I quickly wriggled out of his grasp, whirling to face him, optics blazing.

"Don't touch me," I hissed. "I will initiate contact when I deem it so, at a time of my choosing. No sooner." The thoughts had been whirling through my head for a long time now, though I hadn't expressed them before. Ramjet just stared, shocked. I doubted he'd been anticipating a fight. Ramjet always steamrolled my opinion anyway; I'd never once stood up to him, despite wanting to. Taking advantage of his current state of complete and utter disbelief, I ran for the door and escaped down the hall. I knew full well who I was looking for, though I didn't know where he was. I also frankly didn't care if I had to rip the entire Academy apart hunting him down.

It was probably a bad idea to go looking for Thrust in my current condition. I was angry, hurt, and wanting to cause someone injury. Of course, I was also beyond rational thought. None of those factors boded well for Thrust.

"Woah! Slow down, Dirge, before you end up killing somebody." Optics narrowing, I stopped to peer down the side hall I was currently passing. Thrust stood there, head cocked slightly to the side, watching me carefully. "Something wrong?"

"Yeah. Everything," I hissed, walking up to him and seizing him by the neck as soon as he was in range. His optics flared in shock as I slammed him against a wall, more or less out of sight from the main hall I'd just come from. Students beating up other students wasn't uncommon in the Academy, though my beating on my wingmate might cause a slight stir among the others, as the three of us generally got along. Besides, one's basic survival depends on one's wingmates. If a wingmate is injured, the entire triad suffers, and is easily picked apart.

"D-dirge! What did I do- ack!" My fingers buried into his carapace, yanking it open. "Slagging Pit, Dirge! Stop!" Thrust was fighting back as best he could. Though he was stronger than I, I was hell-bent on ripping him to shreds and currently had the upper hand. I slowed down and took on a more methodical pace, wanting to savor the feeling of complete power over the life and death of another and the fear it engenders. "Dirge! Please!" I was ignoring his cries for help, enjoying myself immensely. I froze at that thought, hand spasmodically clenched around a fistful of wires, all the heat of victory draining away in an instant as my central processor caught up with the rest of me. I was enjoying myself… killing Thrust? One of the only two beings in the universe I not only trusted, but was coming to love?

He was preoccupied with pleading for mercy, though with Thrust, that wasn't terribly unusual. However, there was something inexplicably different in his voice, something I couldn't quite explain. I tore my gaze from his circuitry and met his optics, confused. When I saw his face… something… clicked. Thrust was nothing short of a coward, I knew that already, and it was obvious that he was terrified beyond all reason. Sure, he had never been a charging hero on the battlefield, but he usually had more in the way of courage than the pathetic display of simpering he was giving me. I glanced back down at my hand, his main fuel line in a death grip, and fought back a shudder. I'd come so close to killing him… Sure, one of the triad might rough up one of the others from time to time, Ramjet being an obvious example in his occasional "love-maulings," as he called them, but I'd nearly outright murdered Thrust. To do such a thing to my own wingmate was unthinkable; one's wingmates are one's life… I never deviate from plans. I must be in control… but had I not just lost control? The frustrated energy I'd been fueled with before dissipated into nothingness then, and I slumped, defeated. Thrust brought a shaking hand up and took my wrist, gently- and notably slowly- coaxing my constricting fingers into releasing his innards. He let out a soft noise of relief once his carapace was closed again, albeit on broken and dented hinges. I could no longer meet his gaze, ashamed. It was one thing to dismember an Autobot, but to go after my own wingmate…

"Dirge." Thrust's voice broke my thoughts and I saw his expression- one of deep concern. I nearly died of shock. After trying to rip out his insides, he was worried about me? "What did Ramjet do to you?"

"He was trying to force me," I muttered. Thrust nodded, sudden understanding lighting up his expression. I found that I could do nothing more than will myself to remain standing upon seeing his face, seeing the comfort reflected in his optics. Comfort intended for me, and me alone. I also noticed with no small amount of pleasure that he didn't touch me or even try to make physical contact. For that, I was infinitely grateful. "I'm sorry, Thrust."

Thrust nodded a little, still shaken up. He was still trying to gather himself as he pushed off the wall, straightening up.

"S'okay," he replied, doing his best to dredge his braggadocio out of whatever corner in which it was currently hiding and whimpering. "Just… don't ever do that again, alright? I thought you were actually going to… y'know…"

"I was." Thrust stared at me for a long moment. He was trembling slightly, though making a valiant effort to hide it. I couldn't seem to force words out of my vocalizer, so I just stood there, staring at the decking below our feet. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Thrust hesitantly spoke, his fear still evident in his quivering voice.

"You okay now?"

I nodded in response. "Are you?" I'd tried to yank his fuel line, after all…

"I'm not really sure." He fingered his dented carapace with a groan. "Probably should go get this fixed. Between you and Ramjet, this triad is going to kill me." I let out a soft chuckle at the thought, eliciting a shocked look from Thrust. "So you do know how to laugh!" he exclaimed, pleased. "Good! Ramjet owes me a couple astroliters of energon resin!"

"Eh?" I pondered that a moment. "You two were betting on whether or not I know how to laugh?" Thrust was obviously attempting to swallow his smug grin and I shook my head slightly. "You're both idiots, Thrust."

"Probably. We hang out with you, after all." I swatted at him, but he quickly ducked. He wasn't about to get within range again, that much was obvious.

"Um… I'll take you down to the med bay, so you can get that looked at," I offered, feeling like it was a lame segue, but it was better than nothing.

"I can walk down there by myself, I don't need somebody to hold my hand." I smiled inwardly as Thrust's ego once again took over. I realized with a great sense of relief that I hadn't done anything more than give him a good scare. That thought was comforting in and of itself- I could make amends, restore our relationship… I still wasn't going to let either of my wingmates push me into anything, but at least I could fix things for the time being. "Get going- Ramjet's probably worried, thinking he scared you off."

"He did," I grumbled darkly.

"Not for forever, I hope." Thrust gave me a hopeful look.

"No… Not forever."

"Good. We're incomplete without you." Thrust smiled a little and walked away, headed towards medical. I stood there a long while, lost in thought. They need me… I allowed myself a tiny smile. Sure, they were a matched set of morons, but they needed me. I had a place in the universe to call my own. I would even dare to say I belonged. In my own time, I would go to them, and then… maybe then I won't be alone. It was a comforting thought, and I found myself looking forward to it.

I won't be alone.