Dune Abridged
Fifty Shades of Sand
A Fragment- In A Dream
AN- I own nothing. Contains OCs.
CHAPTER ONE
Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away there was a dog called Paul the Dog. Paul the Dog had a crisis on his paws and did not know how to prevent it. The Intergalactic Space War was still waging and in order to stay safe he decided to move to another planet. This planet was called Arrakis, but it was better known as Dune. Dune was entirely covered by a hot, sandy desert that was hot, and sandy, and the sand was hot. Paul the Dog knew it would be unpleasantly hot in the hot, sandy desert with no water and nothing but hot sand, but hot sand was still better than the Intergalactic Space War. So, after some deliberation about the hot sand, he went ahead with his plan despite his fear of the hot, sandy desert.
However, Paul the Dog didn't own a spaceship, and he knew that owning one wouldn't do him any good. The hot sand of the hot sandy desert would doubtless clog the engine with hot sand and ruin it anyway. So, instead, like any self-respecting dog fleeing to a distant planet full of hot sand, he decided to hitch a ride with his friend, Emily the Satanic Space-Dragon.
Emily the Space Dragon was happy to give Paul a lift. She was a big dragon, with a slender body layered in brilliant feathers that were all the shades of purple, right through to orange. She also carried a lengthy tail, which came to a point at the end and shimmered with blue, green and melon hues. They were flying really fast to dodge the destructive lasers of the Fully Operational Death Star.
'What a lovely day it is today,' remarked Paul the Dog placidly.
'Oh yes,' replied Emily the Space Dragon.
'I am having so much fun I might have to integrate some trigonometric functions,' yelped Paul the Dog.
'Oh no' disagreed Emily the Space Dragon, 'differentiating them would be much funner.'
Paul the Dog was getting bored but not from the trigonometric functions so he asked Emily the Space Dragon if she could fly at relativistic speed mode so that he would not notice how bored he was. But, alas, it was not possible as Emily the Space Dragon was not part of the Secret Society of Special Relativity (#sibilance) because she is not as cool as Nicola the Plump Gnome. (Piss off, Nicola!)
'Oh look,' said Paul 'There is a hot sandy desert planet where it is hot and sandy. We should land there and frolic in the hot sand because it is so hot and sandy and there is also no water.'
Emily the Space Dragon thought it sounded like a fantastic place. 'Watch out for the Sandpeople,' she warned, 'they killed Anakin's mother.'
On Dune it was hot, and it was sandy, and the sand was hot. There was no water to be found anywhere in the hot sandy desert. He discovered a lot of hot sand on Dune, but nothing else. Paul the Dog felt sad, because there were no signs of life in the hot, sandy desert. Suddenly, a tiger appeared out of the foggy mist that was made of water and hot sand in the hot sandy desert. The tiger was stripy. As it moved the stripes on its stripy hide rippled. Its stripy paws paced over the hot sand of the desert as it stalked towards Paul the Dog, who was composing an acrostic poem.
Terrific stripes
Incredible stripes
Golden stripes
Enormous stripes
Real stripes
The tiger didn't like the poem. The rage that kindled in its heart was as hot as the desert sand (which was really hot). The tiger lunged at Paul the Dog. It was enormous, even though it was only half the size of Paul the Dog who was very small (Paul the Dog was microscopic). It ripped his leg off and ran away with it. This made Paul the Dog sad. He was alone in the hot sandy desert surrounded by nothing but hot sand with one missing leg (this quote shows that the leg is symbolic of the part of himself that Paul the Dog left behind on his home planet).
Paul watched the native creatures, the purple flying elephants and their opposites the irrelephants, carrying the broccoli gun device that can leave a person a vegetable mentally and physically. The hot sand disrupted the magnetic field of the broccoli gun. Paul the Dog was thankful. The purple elephants however, were still elephants and his discovery was quite brilliant. The melon sun rose above the hot sandy sand dunes. But the purple elephants were distracted by a Ledean body in the distance and they flew away. The Ledean body was partaking in Lesbian Swan Sex (#sibilance) which was as hot and the hot sandy desert (which was really hot).
Paul the Dog decided that because he had lost his leg he needed a wheelchair so that he could fly around the hot sandy desert and its hot sand. So he encountered Nicola the Plump Gnome who was an incredibly intelligent inventor of artificial intelligence (wow, Nicola, so modest). She took inspiration from the hot sandy desert to create a sentient Wheelchair with AI. The wheel chair was very big. It was too small to hold Paul the Dog's weight (who was microscopic). The Wheelchair was also very friendly and was an Intergalactic Space War enthusiast.
Paul the Dog suddenly verbalized 'I can feel an acrostic poem coming on.'
Wheels (with chair)
Hot
Extra-terrestrial
Extra-terrestrial
Lonely
Chair (with wheels)
Hot
Accident
Intelligent (artificially)
Racist
Paul the Dog and the Wheelchair became bestest friends for life 5eva[1]. But the Wheelchair had to go off to the Intergalactic Space War. Suddenly, Paul the Dog was happy because he was sad. Nicola the Plump Gnome was very sad because the Wheelchair was her most much-loved creation so she flew away on her magic carpet that looked like a hairy tile.
Nicola the Plump Gnome flew over to Emily the Space Dragon and alleged 'Physics is much better than Chemistry.'
'I object,' ejaculated Emily the Space Dragon admiring the hot sand of the hot sandy desert that was hot. 'Physics drools, Chemistry rules.' Suck it, Nicola.
Suddenly, Daisy the Disembodied Flying Skull popped out of the hot sandy sand of the hot desert's sandy sand dunes. She was wearing Brighid the Magic Sunglasses™, who looked on as Daisy the Flying Skull exclaimed, 'Stop fighting! I have a joke to tell you.'
'What?' Nicola the Plump Gnome and Emily the Space Dragon paused to look at her.
'I want to go to the formal but I have no BODY to go with!' Daisy the Flying Skull articulated.
Brighid the Magic Sunglasses™, laughed because she is an idiot / had no body to go to the formal with either. Brighid the Magic Sunglasses™ released a plethora of tears which began to rust her screws (Yay! Oxidation-reduction reactions!) so Daisy the Flying Skull punched her and her arms fell off. Now, Brighid the Magic Sunglasses™ was super pissed off. She spouted a myriad of swear-words at Daisy the Flying Skull and they began fighting each other, making Nicola the Plump Gnome very annoyed.
And, now, after this long and totally irrelevant tangent, let's get back to Paul the Dog.
[1] Like Alexander, covered in liquorice allsorts and touching Hephastion's breasticles.