I don't own GMW, only a ton of BMW DVDs and a broken Shawngela heart.
Her Internet connection is fine; she knows it is. But Maya checks anyway. She's in denial that what she thought was a good deal for a used laptop is failing her.
"You okay?" comes the concerned voice she's come to know. It doesn't match Lucas' frozen smile on the screen facing her.
The wifi in Jones Hall is impeccable but the bottom of her 3 year old Dell is now scorching. No doubt, the hour long video group chat prior to her private chat with Lucas has worn out the hardware. Maya bangs against the side of the screen, knowing it's hopeless, but she'll try anything.
"I was, but you're all choppy and frozen now. I bet you can't even hear me," Maya says fighting a trembling lip.
It's annoying and stupid because she should be lucky she even has a semi-functioning computer at all. But this is the 3rd time she's tried to video chat with him this week. An hour ago, Maya, Lucas, Zay, Smackle, Riley, and Farkle have their weekly Google Hangout. Only weekly has become monthly. No one will mention it, but they're still trying and that's all that matters. They spend the hour attempting to catch up with one another, but it's mainly trading party stories, tales of awful roommates, and ignoring what's happening between them.
"What did you say?" Lucas moves a little bit and his movements speed up hilariously. Again, his face is stuck; his eyes squinting back at Maya. She smiles, despite the lump gathering in her throat. Her phone rings 10 seconds later, and she understands to close her laptop.
"Okay, how do we go about getting you a better computer?" He isn't mad on the other side of the line. He never is. Lucas chuckles and it's so low that it vibrates in her ear. She misses her kind, patient, loving boy. She misses everyone.
Her face is wet now and she knows that in a matter of seconds, Lucas will know, switching gears to protective mode. She wants to give him a little more time to enjoy that smirk he's making.
"What, you don't like playing Russian roulette with our conversations? The ol' will they-won't-they tango. I think it's fun," she says clearing her throat.
He exhales and immediately she craves that warmth she hasn't had in months now.
"Babe," he says so softly it's almost inaudible. Maya realizes it's only the fourth time she's cried since moving away—each time more unbearable than the last.
The first time is when her mother, Shawn, and the Matthews drop her off for Orientation Week at the end of August. She isn't prepared for the earth shattering sobs that wreck her body. Her mother holds her, whispers how proud she is of Maya, and drives away after two hours of emotion.
The second time Maya cries is when Riley tells her about Rush Week at Stanford. It's late for Maya in Chicago, but her Honey still needs her and she doesn't want to miss any time with her. Riley's known she'd rush a sorority ever since that fateful visit to NYU so many years ago. Maya keeps her opinions to herself as her best friend rambles happily about Bigs and Littles and Letters and lots more things she'll never comprehend. It's the first moment where she truly feels their separation, but doesn't begin to worry yet.
Her most recent cry comes after a visit with her advisor, Dr. Thompson, who is a brilliant, tough woman that scares Maya to death. Never in her life does she fear authority figures unless their talent is loud. Dr. Thompson's is screaming and it intimidates her. She doesn't get to ask the questions she wants, and ends up leaving after she inquires about intro courses.
And then there's now. Three months into her first semester at the School of Art Institute of Chicago, Maya is sore for underground New York City. She aches for a late night tuna melt with her mother, watching Late Night on their couch. The Bay Window is likely getting dusty and she wants so badly a hug from Riley. Maya misses laughing with Zay in Topanga's at the others. She misses asking Smackle for help in Biology. Emails with Farkle just aren't enough.
And then, there's Lucas.
"You're breaking my heart, lady," comes Lucas' hoarse voice. She's knows he's close to breaking too. This isn't how she's envisioned the night. Blubbering on the phone to her high school boyfriend like the freshman she's vowed to never be. But it's a Tuesday night, she's lonely, and Maya's already feeble heart reaches its breaking point.
"I don't mean to, Lucas. I guess," Maya pauses and considers if tonight is the night she wants to go down this road. They have Thanksgiving break beginning in a week and half. They'll have dinner with their families and break away to their favorite non-touristy spots. Maya is sure things will go back to normal.
Then it's his eyes she can't erase. His worry he can't hide, despite how hard he'll try.
"Lu? Things are different now. And I'm scared,"
"Scared? Shit, Maya. Me too."
He's relieved, and they simultaneously release shaky air. She isn't sure exactly what he's fearful of, but she's grateful to know she isn't alone anymore.
"We promised this wouldn't happen. It's so hard and I hate it. I feel us slipping away. I feel…you slipping away." Maya is trying to be brave. She knows Lucas is alert and listening now. The line sounds dead, but he hasn't left.
Rolling onto her side, she's greeted by a collage of art and photos of her people. It's the first project she gives herself when she moves into the residence hall, and she hasn't regretted it since. She spots one of her favorites, their clique at prom. It hasn't even been a year yet, but the changes are happening fast. At first they were subtle. Beginning with the video group chats. Eagerly, they'd log on during the first month of school. Zay's always the first to send the warning text. "5 til login!"
But then eventually, routines fall into place. Lucas is attending open gym nights for Fall Baseball with his hall mates. Smackle's library group doesn't tolerate her being late. Maya even begins to feel a little tied down to their tradition. There's so much inspiration for pieces in the city and missing one chat won't hurt, right?
"This past weekend, some people from class and I ventured into the Clark District. They have all this amazing street art. Ridiculous food trucks and all that. It was a dream," she's smiling at the memory now. Her sketchbook is bursting with ideas she can't wait to use.
"But, when I got back to my dorm. I realized I hadn't thought about any of you. Not once that day, Lucas. I was in some twilight zone with new people and experiences. Having the best time. I felt so damn guilty, rushing to look at my messages. Only when I checked, it was a ghost town. You guys weren't thinking of me either. None of us are thinking of each other as much anymore, and it's terrifying me."
He remains quiet and she knows he's being respectful but Maya wants to scream. She loves how he listens fully. To make sure she's okay before he dives in and takes the reigns. How he says what she needs to hear. But this time, Lucas isn't sure himself. And they're both drowning in their uncertainty, looking for an answer that isn't clear yet.
"I'm thinking of you, Maya. I'm always thinking of you."
"We can't lie to each other like that."
"You think I'm lying to you?" Lucas' voice is low, gruff, and full of frustration. It startles her, but she knows it's a Pick Your Battles moment. They can't fight and lose sight of the real issue.
"Of course not."
"I'm sorry." They blurt out at the same time.
Maya imagines Lucas pacing the common room of his dorm. Furrowed brows, gym shorts, shirtless, probably, because it's so damn hot in Florida. St. Leo University is 1,150 miles from SAIC in Chicago, but Lucas gives her the grand tour via FaceTime as soon as he arrives. He belongs in the sun, her Texan golden boy. In early January when they discuss acceptances and where they'll be in the fall, it's easy to dance around the distance.
Today, it's more than space and time, but how many hugs she's missing out on. How she can't see his face when he aces yet another Psych exam. Or that she wants to be at his open gym tryouts. She wants to show him her pieces and bore him to death with color theory.
She wants to believe she's not forcing herself to remember them as they were.
"We're not okay, are we?" Lucas is first to say it out loud, but she's aware. She knows that he means all of them, not just she and Lucas.
Unpinning the prom picture from the wall, Maya examines it thoroughly. Their unit is spread across the country now, sleeping in different time zones, all focusing on pieces of themselves unknown. They're all deviating from the original plan to stay connected and be present with each other, but she feels the most guilt.
"It's not too late to fix," Maya declares. Her mind is now buzzing with ideas to scrap up her savings to buy a train ticket to Florida. It'll be a lengthy, excruciating trip, but it'll be the first one she makes. During the break, she'll work shifts at Topanga's so that a plane ticket to Riley won't completely wreck her pockets. She's willing to make this sacrifice to save them all.
"I'm failing Psych."
Lucas brings her down from the fantasy she's creating in her mind and it takes her a second to recover.
"You're what?" She sits up in her bed, more alert now than ever.
She's attempting to recall any signs of distress from him the past few weeks. And then she realizes they haven't talked that much, hence how upset she was with tonight's disaster. Though for Lucas to be failing seems impossible. He studies and reads and it's then she remembers she has no idea what he does anymore.
"The class that I have to pass to even be considered in this program? I've failed my last two tests, Maya."
There are so many questions she has for him. Like is he okay and how does Lucas Friar fail a test? Is the Professor an idiot? They must be. Has he talked to his advisor or visited the tutoring center?
There's only one question she has for herself. How'd she miss this?
"Where's your head at, Friar? Tell me what's going on."
It's her turn to pace as Lucas is slowly confessing what's he's been hiding from their group, from her.
He doesn't know when the anxiety started to develop, but when he sits down for an exam, the clock's ticking is deafening. The words on the page are so disjointed and when the 15-minute warning strikes, he attacks the multiple-choice answers with fervent guessing.
Because of his grades, he stops going to open gym. He'll return when his grades get back up. Right now, he's going to focus. In the library, it's a madhouse because midterms are around the corner. In his room, he blasts music and then eventually drifts off to sleep. He'll look at his notes later. Later becomes right before the next test.
He misses his first class last week and now, he hasn't gone since. Today he receives the first attendance warning email and it's then he knows he's completely fucked up.
"Everyone is doing so well-"
"That's not an excuse to leave us in the dark-"
"So I just say 'That kegger story is hilarious Zay, but I'm probably going to flunk out?' or 'Baby, this essay on Impressionism and Art deserved an A! I haven't seen one of those since high school-"
"Yes! That's exactly what you say, Lu! We have to be transparent and open with one another-"
"Because that's what you're doing?"
It doesn't hurt Maya because Lucas himself is hurting. He's ashamed, but he shouldn't be. She loves him all the same. Squeezing her eyelids, Maya assumes the position Lucas usually takes. He needs her because this goes deeper than a failing grade, even if he doesn't know it yet.
"I'm still here, okay Lu? I'm going to help you get through this. And when you're ready to tell the others, we'll get through it the only way we know how. Together."
It's bold considering she's never been the fixer, but Maya is done with the changes. She stays on the phone all night with Lucas until they've discussed his options, planned their next phone date (tomorrow), and exchange I love yous until they're exhausted with sleep.
In 14 days, she'll be back in the comforts of home, executing the plan she has to salvage their group. They've been solid since day one. They're being picked and prodded, but Maya becomes determined that not even life is going to break them.
THANKS FOR READING! Your reviews are welcome and if you love it, share it on Tumblr! I'm 100% working on this to be a multi-chap fic, and then I have another collection of one-shots I'm starting called A Lumine Ignis you can check out on my profile!
xx