If she were mine 1/2
Disclaimer:- Don't own them just borrowing!
Episode:- None
Pairing:- Jean/James
Rating:- T
Achieve:- http(:/) . /group/rebeccafrontlewisffarchive/
Summary:- If she ever allows me to show them all how much I love her and that's she's mine it will be so different every triumph and every moment of pain that she has will be mine too now and for always.
Author's Note:- This was only supposed to be a short angsty thing but it's got away from me a little so there'll be a second chapter next week! Enjoy and reviews would be lovely.
"Is that him?" My voice is low as I turn to Robbie and he follows my gaze to where our boss is walking down the aisle of the crematorium a sombre looking man at her side.
"Yeah that's him. Richard Innocent he can't even pretend he's interested in comforting her when she's burying her mother. The man is an idiot I don't know why she stays with him." He'll get no argument from me there but right now all I can focus on is her. The way I can see that she's trying so hard to be strong while her sister is comforted by her side, the slight puffiness to her eyes that is almost hidden by the makeup she's so carefully applied I can feel the sorrow radiating from her from the other side of the room, I can feel her need to be held and comforted like her sister is being by her own husband yet he stands there like he hasn't even noticed she's beside him.
"Can't he see she's upset? He's not even making an effort to try to comfort her how can he not see how upset she is and not want to make her feel better?" He's not really listening to me as the old organ in the corner of the room strikes up "Abide with me" and the room stands to begin the service.
With all my heart I want to be the man by her side right now. I want to hold her hand, rest my arm around her should, absorb the pain and try to ease it. I want to be the man now whispering in her ear as she makes her way to the front of the room to deliver her eulogy that she'll be fine and I'm proud of her yet he's not even in the room, he looks like he could be anywhere and with anyone instead of the woman he's supposed to love. Doesn't he realise how lucky he is? Doesn't he realise how quickly I would steal her away from him if for a second I thought she'd let me?
As she begins her words shaky yet determined and I listen to her talk I can hear the emotion behind each word as they elicit an even stronger reaction from her sister whose husband holds her close letting her cry. She falters and I see her son move to join her to show his support before his father rests a hand on his arm shaking his head and making him retake his seat. Finally she makes it to the end and I have to fight my desire to go to her, to hold her and tell her it will be ok that I'm here for her and I'll make it all better. I don't know how he can claim to love her and not feel the same. I don't know how he can look at the woman who has given him a quarter of a century of her life and not want to make her pain go away,
Watching her I'm reminded of all the reasons she's stolen my heart and that mean I have no hope of ever claiming it back from here. The strength in her stance as it's obvious she won't allow herself to break down. The sadness in the hint of a smile she graces me and Robbie with as she turns and sees us her gratitude at our attendance obvious. The smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes, those eyes that I drown in on a daily basis, the chestnut depths usually so full of warmth are lined with red and radiating need for someone, anyone to tell her it's going to be ok. The gentle blush to her cheeks that makes her look normally so alive, so beautiful has been replaced with the ghostly white of grief in spite of her attempts to hide it. Even from so far away her suffering is making my soul ache with empathy yet it's so obvious he's apathetic to it.
"Thank you for coming, both of you, it means a lot." Filing past her and the rest of her family as she gently squeezes my hand I battle again with my desire to pull her into my arms, place gentle kisses on the top of her head and tell her I will do everything I can to take her pain away. I can feel her husband's eyes on us though, on both of us as Robbie senses the building tension and gently guides me away.
"We both know the man is a bastard James but he's still her husband and making your dislike of him so obvious won't make her life any easier right now. We can check she's ok when she comes back to work." I know he's right yet as I glance back and see her eyes follow us as we leave my heart breaks. Everything about this feels wrong, the woman I love with all my heart is in pain, needs someone, someone I want to be me, and yet I'm leaving. I know I'll remember that look in her eyes until the day I die as I swear to myself if I'm ever allowed to show the world what she means to me no one will ever look at me by her side and think "If she were mine it would be so different." If she ever allows me to show them all how much I love her and that's she's mine it will be so different every triumph and every moment of pain that she has will be mine too now and for always.