Ahem... this is the result of reading profiles. If you're reading this, abbzeh, it was your profile, number 3 of the situations on your Characters list to be precise, that prompted this particular story. Please, please forgive me, everyone, but I simply couldn't resist. An hour of my life, spent on this.
Definately AU to Order of the Phoenix.
Disclaimer: I work at a fast food restaurant. Which means "No, I don't own Harry Potter."
Life at number twelve Grimmauld place was about to get unexpectedly wild. And not, as you might think, because of the screaming, annoyingly unimaginative portrait of Sirius's mum, but rather, strangely enough, due to Hermione Granger, prefect and overall good girl. Unfortunately, the result did have something to do with the words "Sirius" and "Mum", just not in the way that one might first believe.
It first started because of the twins. Not that this is so surprising, really, I mean, who doesn't expect the twins to have some hand in this sort of thing? What thing, you ask? Well, we're getting to that. So the twins, despite having some very awesome quarters over in Diagon Alley, had decided that Grimmauld place was really the place to be and as such, had brought a bit of their work home with them. Unfortunately, they never told Hermione. And thus, the chaos begins.
Hermione was doing a bit of cleaning in an upstairs storage closet (really though, how many upstairs were there in this place? It's freaking huge) when she came across a table upon which a potion was set brewing. Her innate curiosity aroused, Hermione moved a bit closer in an attempt to determine what sort of potion it was, and, rather more importantly, how long it'd been there.
As she moved to wave her wand over the potion though, in a spell that would not disturb it, a previously unknown cut on her hand bled anew and a single droplet of her blood dropped unnoticed into the brew.
Unable to determine what the potion was, Hermione frowned before her eyes finally lighted upon the hitherto unnoticed trademark of the Weasley twins on a brew stick that was set just beyond the potion.
Realizing at once that this was not a strangely ancient and probably dangerous brew of the Black House, but instead an experiment of the Twins (and yes, they do deserve capitalization…) Hermione paled and began to back out as carefully as possible. For some reason, the idea of a centuries old Black brew was far less frightening to our young witch than the idea of a Twin experiment. And how right she was.
Meaning to alert somebody, anybody really, of what exactly transpired upstairs, Hermione forgot the strange potion in favor of her best friend Harry's appearance. The resulting tears and yelling quite drove the experience out of her mind. The result of which became apparent a few days later at dinner.
DaDeDa
It was a fairly normal dinner, the girls were watching Tonks as she changed her appearance, Molly was bustling around feeding people, especially Harry, the Twins were discussing pranks with Sirius and Remus, and the rest were either discussing the Ministry (Bill and Arthur) or quidditch (Ron and anyone who'd listen to him).
It was after Sirius took a rather large pull from the butterbeer supplied him by the Twins that the Twins' previously innocent visages grew mischievous and self-satisfied. As a former Prankster himself, Sirius immediately recognized the look of a prank success and groaned good-naturedly.
"Alright, boys," he said heartily, "what'd you do to me? Will I grow feathers and a tail? Or will I find myself floating when next I hiccup?" Sniffing his butterbeer professionally, Sirius congratulated them. "Whatever it is, it didn't change the taste," he looked at them approvingly and, with a cheeky nod, downed the rest of the tainted beverage proclaiming, "Being pranked never tasted so good!"
Hermione, her attention attracted by the scene, immediately realized that this must be the potion they had been brewing. Moving closer, she asked the two,
"So what was that potion? I saw it in the storage closet on the third floor, but I forgot since Harry arrived soon after." The Twins looked at her in surprise.
"You saw-"
"Our potion-"
"And didn't say anything?" They chorused, incredulous.
She frowned. "Well, yes," she admitted, "but I couldn't figure out what it was and even the spell revealed nothing. So, what does it do?"
The Twins looked at each other.
"Well," began George, "it emulates pregnancy, but in a man-"
"Which, really," Fred continued, "is nothing less than a nightmare for any sane man-"
"And so we put a little potion together to give the gift of miracles to men everywhere!" They really had this Twinspeak thing down pat.
Sirius was looking somewhat less amused now.
"How long?" He wanted to know.
The Twins traded amused glances before answering together.
"One week," they said, grinning at Sirius's horrified look. "And don't worry, old chap-" Fred started.
"You won't really be having a baby," George added.
"It'll just feel like it!" They finished, high fiving each other.
They finished the night with Molly berating them every other breath for such a reckless prank and the rest grinning in amusement at Sirius's discomfiture, but soon enough, the prospect of Harry's trial dampened any enthusiasm and the rest of the week was spent in peace. With a few amused grins in Sirius's direction every now and then, of course.
It was when the week was up that Sirius came down to breakfast, grinning from ear to ear. He was in such high spirits, he fairly glowed.
"Well, boys," he announced, "looks like you need a little help with your potions skills, because not a nary one of your supposed symptoms hit me this week." He winked at them, "Guess I'm just too much of a man for your preggers potion to work."
The Twins looked at each other in confusion, before pulling off to the side to discuss this turn of events. Eventually, they shot a white light at Sirius, their faces turning horrified as the light turned pink. In dazed understanding, the two stared with open mouths at Hermione.
By now, of course, the regular breakfast scene had halted as they all waited for the Twins to explain.
"Erm, 'Mione," said Fred quietly, "did you, y'know, by chance, happen to, well-"
George broke in. "You didn't, er- bleed into the potion… did you?"
About to steadfastly deny it, Hermione grew thoughtful. "I did find a cut on my hand that night, I think , but I don't remember it bleeding in the closet. Why?"
George bit his lip. "This is going to sound strange, but, we really do have to be sure, so could you give us your memory of going into the closet? Just so we can check?"
Suspicious but thoroughly curious now, Hermione watched as Fred went upstairs and came back with a small pensieve and she gave them the memory. A minute later, both twins came back pale and shaking.
Placing themselves rather close to the doorway and most convenient exit, the Twins explained.
Apparently, they knew the potion worked, having tested it on themselves each (Ron guffawed at this point) and had reasoned that it was entirely possible for the potion to have an altogether too good of an effect if given female blood, therefore coming to the unenviable conclusion that Hermione had gotten Sirius pregnant. Given that the memory showed a drop of blood dripping from Hermione's palm and the spell they shot Sirius with glowed pink, they figured that Sirius would be the proud mother of a little girl come mid-March. With Hermione a teenage father at that. It was at this point they decided to make good use of their escape and ran, figuring Death Eaters in the Alley way were preferable to a pregnant Sirius and murderous Hermione.
So, yeah. That was fun. I'm going to go back to my WIPs now. I may or may not decide to add to this at some future date, but if I do, it will be in such a manner that it can still be considered complete. And only if I am at the time unable to work on my other stories. As it is, I'm surprised I did this. But, whatever, I hope anybody reading this enjoyed it :) And please, don't bother me with any "Men can't have babies!" stuff. It's a parady for a reason, and the use of magic is rather obvious I would think.