Chapter One - The Introvert

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

I felt around for the off button on my alarm clock and pressed it. Luna climbed up my bed beside of me until she reached my face, vibrating everything with her wagging tail.

"Okay, okay," I croaked, my voice still mostly asleep like the rest of me. I pulled the silk cover away from my eyes and set it on my bedside table. I stretched for just a second and got up to open my bedroom door for her. She bolted from my room and through the doggy door and out to the back yard.

I dragged my feet through the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee, unable to stop yawning over and over. I'd been up late the night before, putting together ideas for the potential new client I was supposed to be meeting today after a few previous failed attempts. I was told he was some kind of hot new thing - an artist in his twenties with money to burn. My boss seemed to have a crush on him, but I hadn't seen him yet so I wasn't sure if it was him or his bank account that she liked more.

I poured myself a cup of coffee, unable to miss the glitter of the diamond on my left hand. It had become a source of both happiness and unease, for reasons too hard to explain. It had been sitting pretty on that finger for about six months now, and our wedding date was approaching at the end of the summer.

To say that my life had changed was the understatement of the century. Hell, to say that I had changed was an understatement... I barely recognized myself anymore. As soon as that ring had wrapped itself around my tiny little finger, I became a different person. I had traded guitars and booze for a job and some panty-hose. The pressure I had placed myself under at the prospect of being a good wife was a heavy load to bear, but I was handling it as best as I could...

With a few small exceptions.

I was awake enough to function by my third cup, so I left it sitting at the table beside of my lit-up computer screen and got my things together to prepare for the day. Just as I was naked and about to step into the shower, my phone started going off. I almost got irritated - Who the hell calls somebody before seven in the morning? - But then I remembered that such a small number of people called me at all these days, and none of them would ring if it wasn't important.

"Hello, Sharon," I answered politely. Sharon was my boss and the biggest cougar I'd ever come across in my life. That was quite a feat when you considered I had grown up around Ana's mom.

"Elizabeth, I'm sorry honey but we have to cancel your meeting. Mark had to fly to Australia this morning on business. He should be back on Monday."

I tried to snuff out my own excitement before she crushed me, but I had to ask. "So... I have the day off?"

She giggled like a teenager. "Yes, you have the day off. But I want you to keep searching venues for him from home. I would have you come in anyways, but I think you've taken enough over time money from me as it is."

"I'll keep looking around, but I'm pretty sure I have the place nailed down. It would help a little if I could actually meet the guy..."

"You will - on Monday. Nine o'clock, I don't have to tell you not to be late. Enjoy your weekend."

She hung up, and I jumped into my steamy shower and contemplated my plans for the day. Seth was at work, so that was out. Ana was at work, but I hadn't seen her in at least a week and I could always drop by Snow Goose. She had bought the place with some - well, alot - of help from me, right after the owner kicked the bucket, and she had even changed the name to Ana Beth Books. She was attached to it, but it was never very busy.

I entered her store a little before nine, and she looked up from staring off into space.

"Lizzy!" she greeted, excited. She came out from behind the counter and hugged me tightly. "Why aren't you at work?"

"Got the day off. I guess Mark St. Claire isn't as good at upholding meetings as he is at painting things." I rolled my eyes, annoyed with him; this was the third time he had flaked on me, and I didn't believe that anyone was quite that busy. Did this dude want an awesome party or not?

She pulled back and smirked at me. "Have you seen his picture?"

"No. Have you?"

"I Googled him," she answered with a shrug of her shoulders. "Want to see? He is gorgeous."

"Yeah, I've heard, but I'll wait until I meet him to see what he looks like and everything else. I wouldn't want to form an opinion before I figure out what he's like for myself."

"You won't be disappointed once you do get to meet him. The man oozes sex appeal..." She was getting all googly eyed on me.

I laughed. "I don't care. He's just a job."

She waggled her brows and I rolled my eyes.

"He's just a client," I corrected. "A way to make money. I'll throw him his party, and then I'm sure I'll never see him again."

"Have you seen any of his work?"

We started walking towards the counter. "Yeah, he's definitely talented. Is Josh upstairs?"

Ana had a loft above the store that she lived in now, and Josh wasn't technically moved in but he came and went as he - or, as she - pleased. I think he wanted to live there for real, but Ana enjoyed having a little space of her own for the time being. I, personally, never would have lived up there, not after Miss Weinstein met her demise in what was now Ana's bedroom. I joked with her all the time and was maybe even starting to convince her that the place was haunted.

"No, he dipped out this morning."

"You still have some of that herb?" I whispered, just in case there was a customer hidden amongst the rows of books.

A smile lit her features - She loved it when a little of the old me started to show through my careful facade. She nodded her head and went over to lock the door, then dragged me up the stairs. As we got closer to the second floor, I heard a very surprising sound coming from her apartment.

I stopped on a step. "Is someone else up there?"

"No," she answered, looking confused. She smiled when she heard what had stopped me: There was moaning and skin slapping going on up there. The unmistakable sounds of sex.

She continued up the stairs and burst into her apartment, smiling like a goof. The noise went on without pause, so I went ahead and followed her. She sat down on the couch and hit a button on her remote.

"Sorry," she said as the porn on the screen went black. "We had a fun night."

I almost allowed myself to be fake, to act surprised or appalled, or even disgusted. I shook that off, because with Ana I could always be my real self instead of keeping up this game. I was still inside of this body... Somewhere.

I plopped down beside of her as she started rolling up a blunt. "Turn it back on," I said, verging on embarassment.

She studied me for a quick moment and then hit another button on her remote. I could hear the carousel in her player rotating, and then a different video began. This one was clearly a gay porn, and I was guessing she didn't watch this one with her boyfriend.

I stared blankly at the beginning as she twisted up what we were about to smoke, until one of the guys asked the other, "Would you mind... opening my package? My hands are full." And then I busted out laughing.

"Do you realize how long it's been since I watched anything this cheesy?" I asked as she lit up.

"You mean this sexy!" she replied, her lungs full of pot smoke.

My eyes refused to remove themselves from the screen as she handed me the blunt to hit. "The last time - " I had to blow it out before it choked me to death, "That I saw a man naked at all was a couple of months ago when I accidentally busted you and Josh in his car," I admitted. "And I didn't particularly enjoy that. Except for the leash, that was a nice touch."

She doubled over laughing at the memory. "You should have seen the look on Seth's face when he came over there to figure out what had you so freaked!" she exclaimed. "Put your pants on! And he's not your doggy, Ana!" She mimicked Seth's voice.

We kept laughing and smoking until we finally calmed down.

I sighed as I passed back to her. "I miss having sex..."

She snorted. "I miss you having sex, too. You're so wound up anymore." She inhaled her hit and said I could have the rest and that I needed it more than her. I couldn't argue with that logic.

"Once the wedding is over with, I can have sex again. I can be naughty... in that way." I pointed at the screen with my free hand. "I'll be able to do that again," I giggled.

"Speaking of, what are you doing until then? Are we hitting up All Good?"

The smile dropped from my face. "I don't think so. I have to work and plan and all of that fun stuff," I replied sarcastically.

"Well, what about coming to the Transmission show with me next weekend?" she pushed.

I shook my head no.

"Why not?" she asked, sounding close to offended. "Liz, they're our friends!"

They were our friends, had been for years. They were also fucking psychopaths... Even if, once upon a time, I'd been able to outdo them in that way. One of them had been locked up in the pen for shooting a man in his genitals. If they saw me, they were going to expect somebody that I couldn't be anymore.

"I just... I can't handle it. If I go to a show I want to let loose, especially if it's at a bar."

"And?"

"Come on, Ana," I pleaded. This was not the first time we'd had this type of conversation... She'd been trying like crazy to pull the old me back out to the surface.

"Seth doesn't care if you go out every now and then and have a good time," she pointed out.

"I know that, but I care. I'm getting married! I can't be that person anymore."

"I fucking love that person."

"I know, but... think about all of the married couples that we know. The ones that party aren't ever serious. The ones that are serious go to church and stuff like that. I can't let this be a fail, my life is depending on it."

"What life?" she asked, angry with me. She hated what I was now... and she wasn't the only one.

I was getting pissed off, so I defended myself. "Ana, Seth is my life! Don't put me down for it. I care about him more than anything, and it's going to kill me if I ever lose him!"

"What does it matter when you've already lost yourself?"

Her words were a slap in the face, bringing tears to my eyes. I wasn't mad at her for saying it, because she was just mirroring my own thoughts back to me. I hated that she was right.

I jumped up from my seat and grabbed my designer purse, the one that perfectly matched my designer clothes, shoes, jewelry and sunglasses today. It made me sick to see myself dressed up as someone that I so clearly was not.

"Well, thanks for the weed." I stomped away and let myself out.

"Liz!" she called before I shut the door. I waited for a moment, then decided it wasn't worth it. The one thing I had kept from who I once was had to be my ignorant pride.

I went down the stairs and out the door, started my car and didn't look back. I tried not to cry, but I couldn't stop myself. That was the first time in a very long time that we had fought with eachother, and now that it was over I wanted to hug her and apologize. I didn't - I drove home instead. I noticed on the way that the radio was on, playing some Katy Perry puke that people called music. It made me cry more, realizing how far away I had become from my own self.

I had nothing to do to kill time once I got back to my house. It was only noon... Nothing amused me anymore. I got online and checked my mail, but it was all either people I barely knew telling me and the company that I worked for thank you, or people that I no longer knew asking me what had happened to me. I'd disappeared off the face of the world - or my world, anyways - and I was getting tired of telling everyone that I was fine, I'd just straightened my ass out and was getting married.

Married; How had I ever thought this was going to be so easy? How long could I fake my way through life? It had only been a few months and was already starting to wear on me. I used to spend so much time and energy trying to come to terms with who I was, and now I couldn't handle being someone that I wasn't. I used to have to defend myself all the time for the choices I made, and I still had to even though I was doing everything right, living by the book.

Was I ever going to be happy?

Seth's POV

Liz was sitting on the couch when I came home, a scowl on her beautiful face. That seemed to be a default expression for her anymore, though today it seemed more pronounced... She had changed alot since I had known her. Everything had changed.

I kissed her head and sat down beside of her. She made a visible effort to smile and just couldn't manage it, and my heart hurt for her. I knew she hated her life now, and I had to shoulder some of that blame. I had never asked her to be this picture perfect cookie cutter type of girl, but she thought that's what she needed to be if we were going to be serious about our marriage. She had turned into a different person because she thought she had to for me.

She didn't realize she had been perfect the way that she was.

She finally looked at me instead of staring blankly at the floor. "Hungry?"

My stomach growled at the thought. I smiled at her, but she didn't smile back. She got up and went into the kitchen, then came back with four sandwiches, already made for me.

I stared at the plate in my hands. "Is something wrong, baby?"

She sighed. "I had a fight with Ana this morning."

"What about?"

She was already shaking her head before I could finish the question. "I don't want to talk about it," she said.

That kind of answer was not unusual, but it cut me up still. She was distant, and I had no clue as to how I could get her close to me again. I knew exactly what the problem was, but that didn't provide me with any kind of solution for it.

I bit into my sandwich. "Thank you," I told her with my mouth full, trying as I always did to get a genuine smile out of her. I failed.

She made a disgusted face at me. "I'm really tired... I'm going to take a nap."

She started walking away as I called, "Love you!" after her.

I did love her, but she was driving me completely nuts. I loved the real her, the fun loving, carefree, musically adept, crazy girl that she had buried inside of her own skin. I was not the biggest fan of workaholic, boring, crabby Liz. Of course I loved her no matter what, but I was dying to catch a glimpse of the girl I had fallen for.

The first thing she had changed was starting her stupid job. She didn't need the money, but she had this idea that we needed to be rich for me to be happy, and that was insane. It didn't seem like a big deal at first; Planning parties seemed perfect for her. But it wasn't long before she was buried under her workload, and the other changes followed close after that one.

She'd changed her look for work, going from band t-shirts and ripped jeans to pencil skirts and blazers that hid her tattoos. Even when she was just relaxing at home, she was in something that you would see in a magazine... Her pajamas were designer names, for fuck's sake. She had stopped going out, except every now and then when she'd sneak over to Ana's and smoke some pot. She didn't know I knew she still smoked, and she also failed to realize that I didn't care; I actually preferred my stoner Liz to what I had now. I wish she would smoke more, get drunk again, do anything besides bury her personality and mope around all the time.

Sitting in this room even showed me the difference in her. Gone were all paintings, pictures of friends, posters and comfortable furniture, replaced with framed words of inspiration about love, ugly lamps and a leather couch that had cost some people's life savings, even though it was like sitting on a rock. Nothing about this house reflected who she was anymore, only who she was faking being.

She didn't talk to anyone anymore. She didn't play guitar or even listen to music anymore. She didn't watch the same movies or television shows. She didn't even curse anymore!

I had tried everything I could think of to get her back to herself, but she wasn't having it. I imagined she was imprisoned inside of her mind while a robot took over her body, almost like possession. I was glad that she cared enough about being with me that she would do all of these things, but she refused to recognize that I would much rather have the old, wild Liz than this person that was now inhabiting her.

Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much if these changes had made her happy. Her misery came through every second, even if she wasn't intending to show it. She was repressed, and she was doing it to herself.

I wasn't sure if I would ever get her back.