From the Depths of my Mind
By: Lone Soldier a.k.a. Gundam Pilot
The Later years
I'm walking, everything outside is a blur. Lights flash, noises everywhere. People walking past me. It's late at night, my mind is drawn to the darkness. My legs have a mind of their own, they keep going. The streets are cold. A chill wind blows everywhere, reminding me of my isolation. My heart is beating steadily, I can hear it everywhere, its echo surrounds me. I am a lost soul, wandering around in a godless city. I can feel it. The ethereal dream like quality life has taken on. Just imagine it, walking around on the streets. Late at night, dark images with a life of their own. Swimming past me, their movements, almost robotic like. Where am I heading? Why am I here? Everything is in slow motion. Can't think, my mind shutting down. My eyes are empty. Blank, expressionless. Cold air, swirling in my lungs. Walking, the stillness wrapping around me. Darkness is my friend.
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I'm at home. My eyes staring at the glass sitting on the table. The white lights above blaring down on me. Creating a sterile environment. Its like I'm not here at all, like I don't exist. Existence is a meaningless word. Who are we? Beings on a planet. Wandering aimlessly, no destination, no goal in mind. Just wandering. Wondering where we are. Our minds an obsolete entity. A dark void.
I lie here, the darkness is comforting. Dim lights from outside play shadows on the wall. I think about life. What its like. What its worth. Living. Someone told me to embrace life to its fullest, appreciate being able to sense living forms all around you.
How can you? Embrace what life? I've done what I had to do, what more? I play the scene in my head. I watch it crash, then I die. Dying, what is that like? Does darkness envelope around you? Does it release you? Funny, my life a seemingly endless void being released into another, is irony the theme of death? Does death happen?
Is death simply a state of mind? Can we as humans, look at ourselves only as biological forms, moving about, instead of a living entity or creature.
I can still hear my heart echoing all around me. Thudding inside my head. Beating at a constant rate. How could something so fragile and small, be the source of my existence? My being. I feel like I'm a million years old. Just living because that's all I have left. A continued event. Something unchanging, until one day, that small fragile muscle decides to gradually come to a halt. For what reason who can say? Maybe its programmed to give up at a certain time. A sort of predestined future installed inside
your body. Who's to say it can't be true?
Do you ever get the feeling that you lose a part of yourself everyday? Waking up in the morning, doing daily routines. That deep down inside, a part of you is breaking away into nothingness? That living seems like a dull infatuation of yourself? Like living is just an occurrence you are driven to do everyday. My whole life, or what seems like most of it has been only a tool to serve someone else. To fulfill some purpose, that someone has set me to do. People talk about freedom, peace and self-preservation. What does it all mean? Freedom. A wonderful word used by so many. Expressing what all people want to hear. Does freedom mean anything, other than being a word? Peace, what people die for. The irony. They die for something that they can only receive in death. That everlasting peace. That darkness that people are so afraid of. Yet would die for, if entitled to a different name.
*****
My mind is reeling today. Images flashing before my eyes. Everything spinning around like crazy. Blurred faces moving around faster and faster. Whirling around and around. Picking up speed. Swirling and merging all together. A kaleidoscope of colours. A thunderous pounding resounds inside my head. I can hear it everywhere. Echoing all around me. Pounding harder and harder. Louder and louder, into a blaring cacophony of pounding. Beating away inside my head. Never stopping, constantly coming again and again. Sweat is pouring out of my head. Its hot and cold at the same time. A freezing biting frigid coldness eats away at me, then a wave of piercing heat seeps through. Boiling and burning into my skin. My eyes are bursting with confusion. The desperate need for an imminent explosion to occur to my body, fills me with a driven hunger I've never felt for a long while. I can feel my muscles tensing up, pumped up with a powerful adrenaline. My head was going to explode soon. Too much, too much. Can't take it anymore. Breathing more rapidly now. My lungs on fire, too much heat. Can't see anything, only blurred images whirling around, pounding in my head. Harder, louder, faster. Beating away in my brain. Can't breathe anymore, everything is too much, want to die. Want that sweet release into that void. Need that release. The darkness is my friend. Slipping away into that wonderful, peaceful darkness. My friend.
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