A/N: Inspiration for this fic was the song Forgiven by Deb Talan.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of InaIre. Sadly.
Forgiven
-o-
Autumn is creeping down upon us, slowly, almost unnoticeably. There are only little signs of it being here already; the smell having changed, from the utter and pure warmth of summer, the kind that makes you breathless five minutes short of the scheduled running time, makes you collapse under a tree for ten minutes before you can even touch your drink — it changed into a hint of eerieness, a bitter scent that comes together with the leaves slowly beginning their descent from the trees onto the ground, signaling the end of the year.
The silence is stretching to an uncomfortable length between the two boys; the one on the bench is sitting with his head lowered, each inhale bringing that half-sour, half-bitter odour into his lungs — then again, perhaps he's imagining it all, much like the taste on his tongue that surely cannot feel so salty because of the tears he is holding back —, but even if he held his head high, he wouldn't be able to see the other boy's smile, for he is standing with his back to him, leaning against the railing, and staring down at the endless sea of the vastness of Tokyo below.
To their left, there are a few old car tires hung up onto thick tree branches; the ropes give a few creaky noises as a gust of wind blows past them, and for a fragment of a second, both of them are thinking the same thing, eventually they'll need to be changed, before they tear, but then it passes as well, and there is still nothing but silence — to one of them, uncomfortable, almost fearful, while, to the other, it's the content, fulfilled sort, as it very well shows on his face, too, that the one sitting at the back could see for himself, if he just stood up and joined his friend at the railing.
Friends... are they still friends?
Kazemaru cannot help but wonder about that, even though he knows he would deeply hurt Endou if he questioned that out loud. But, seriously, after everything that happened... does he still deserve to be considered a friend to the other? A comrade, even? (A strange thought, but from the long-haired boy's point of view, the latter somehow counts more. What is a friendship, after all? Being able to talk about things? To be honest, to trust the other with secrets? To hang out together and have fun? They are all things that he would miss from his life, yes, but... to fight side by side with someone is an even deeper commitment to Kazemaru, one that he cannot forgive himself that he betrayed.) After everything he has done, is he still...?
Endou showed no signs of discomfort with him, which was more than surprising to the long-haired boy. Then again, it was him who started it, by simply swallowing the lump in his throat at the time, and holding out a hand towards his true captain, smiling, and calling out to him as he came to his senses. They even ended up continuing to play against each other, as soon as Endou was feeling a little better, and Kazemaru felt so much lighter, as if a weight had been pulled off his chest...
... But then, when they were finally changing out of their uniforms, he suddenly found himself face to face with a rather solemn look on the brunette's face, and a quiet request to follow him here... Obviously, he couldn't find it in himself to say no - and so, now they are here, the captain leaning against the railing, the endless city below him, and behind him Kazemaru sitting dejectedly, the earlier lightness almost fully gone from his limbs, his heart feeling heavy again, as if it were made out of stone, and as the silence stretches further and further, he cannot lie to himself anymore about the fact that he really just wants to cry.
I didn't want things to come to this, he thinks desperately, yet he lacks the courage to say the words out loud. Then again, hasn't that always been exactly the problem with him? I'm not as strong as you are, is what he told Endou back then on the shore, but if he really thinks about it - and let's admit, he had plenty of time to think up till now, as Endou still doesn't say anything -, he can't help but admit it to himself that he simply acted like a coward and ran away. A harsh thing to say, or even think, and Kazemaru knows Endou himself would never point such an accusation at him, even if they both know it's true, but even if Kazemaru is a coward, he's still smart, and smart people don't lie to themselves, do they? His spine bent under all the pressure, and he ran away, leaving his comrades in even deeper trouble than they'd been before, simply because he got terrified of the enormity of the opponent they were facing.
A leaf strolls by on the ground in front of Kazemaru's feet, carried by the wind; it rolls on its edge effortlessly, and tumbles down the stone steps. The long-haired boy follows it till it's out of view, and wonders if he really did think those awful stones would make him stronger. He wishes really badly he stayed back then, trained together with them all; he wishes he wouldn't have given up, he wishes he could have been of some assist - and yes, he wishes he had had the courage back then to get stronger on his own, side by side with his comrades, other than relying on something fragile and fake... something that is now broken, and with it, Kazemaru is right where he was when he left... he is the one left behind.
At that thought, finally, he bites down on his lower lip, hard, almost hard enough to draw a bit of blood, but instead of crimson, there is a transparent liquid that begins dripping onto the ground from his face. He's definitely not a comrade anymore, is he? Not only is he weak and cowardly and frightened, he is also a traitor. He wants to beg Endou for forgiveness, and he doesn't dare to do even that much. At this point, there is nothing except for 'I'm sorry' left in his mind, and still the words refuse to form on his lips.
Being unable to look up, Kazemaru doesn't notice when Endou finally turns around. Nor does Endou notice the tears for the first couple of seconds; he's been face to face with the setting Sun, and now that it's suddenly behind his back, for a couple of seconds, all he can see is the semi-darkness, and his friend's figure sitting on the bench in a slightly crouched position. As he actually manages to focus on what is going on, his smile melts away in an instant, yet, the words that he's been holding on the tip of his tongue don't change at all - except, instead of the original cheery approach, his voice is soft and low, something close to pleading.
"Kazemaru... I just wanted to say I'm sorry."
If anything, that certainly makes the other look up, his eyes wide despite the fact that he would give almost anything for Endou not to see his tears; of course, that is impossible now, as they just keep rolling out, and dripping onto his knees from his chin. He is absolutely, utterly speechless. Why would Endou apologize? It is Kazemaru who owes a thousand apologies; for never having been able to properly make up his mind, for not believing enough, for pushing Endou away when he wanted to help, for being too weak to accept that help, for feeling undeserving of it - much like how now he is undeserving of that apology. His head lowers again, locks of long hair falling into his face and covering his eyes, and, lips pressing firmly together so he wouldn't make a sound he doesn't want his captain to hear, he shakes his head lightly, hands balling up into fists on his knees.
"You don't... forgive me...?" Endou sounds hesitant and hurt this time, and again, Kazemaru is caught completely off guard; because that is definitely not what he meant, and how could he let the other believe so?! - but even as he looks up again, ready to protest, nothing leaves his mouth other than a strange, choked-off noise of disbelief.
Endou doesn't understand. He doesn't, no matter how hard he tries, no matter how intensely he is staring at his friend's face, all he accomplishes is a tinge of redness appearing on the other's face as he stares back, evidently just as confused as the brunette. Why does Kazemaru still refuse him like that? That almost unnoticeably small shake of his head makes a whirlwind of old emotions resurface in Endou, ones he buried very deep back when he was reminded of why not to give up even when things seemed especially bleak. But Kazemaru wasn't there back then, and even now, even after getting him back from not being himself, the real Kazemaru refuses him again, declines the apology, and even though on the outside Endou just tries to smile (it doesn't look genuine at all), while he reaches up to rub at the back of his head, a tiny part of him somewhere deep down wants to cry like Kazemaru is doing.
Has he really been that terrible of a captain?
He swallows, leaning against the railing with his hip, and folding his arms across his chest. Back then, he failed once; he let Kazemaru go, because by then it was too late, he hadn't been paying enough attention to how he was feeling back when he could have still done something. But he sure as hell isn't going to allow that to happen again. The two of them are here right now, together once again, and soccer be damned if Endou is letting Kazemaru go before at least making him listen to the proper explanation, the one he should have given a long time ago; the proper apology.
Still, when he finally opens his mouth to speak, there is something completely different escaping his lips; something that makes Kazemaru lookup again, now sheer disbelief etched onto his features as if carved out of rock; even his tears come to a halt.
"You're still just as strong as the rest of us are, you know."
Kazemaru is not only speechless; he feels like he can't breathe, either. Surely Endou cannot be saying what he's just heard? Precisely the thing Kazemaru was feeling most regretful about?! It feels as if all his questions are answered with just that one single sentence - but that just can't be. He questioned whether he's still worthy of being considered a comrade; Endou thinks so. He questioned whether he was weak now compared to everyone else who trained while he was relying on the Aliea stone; Endou says he's not. What the other bases it on, Kazemaru can't even fathom, but at least he can find something to reply with - even if it's just one single, simple word, one he's been craving to say ever since he came back to his senses - and still, back then, all he dared to say was the other's name.
"Captain..."
"I'm sorry," Endou repeats solemnly, effectively cutting off anything else Kazemaru would have wanted to say, and this time, the long-haired boy only looks at him, his eyes still a little damp, yet attentive, desperate. The captain suddenly finds he can smile genuinely again. "Sorry for not noticing in time. Everyone was under so much pressure, and we were just pushed forward without really being given a chance to understand what was even going on... I can't blame you for feeling the way you did. I should have realized... that especially at times like that, being a captain is a lot more than looking at your backs from the goalpost, and yelling at you to hang in there and do your best..." He pauses for a moment, and the smile softens. "Perhaps things were just supposed to end up like this." Kazemaru's eyes widen, a hint of hurt appearing in them once more, but before he could interject, Endou is already continuing, his voice still that certain tone of solemn gentleness, the one he uses when he is the most serious about something. "I needed that lesson from you... You taught me that, and I'm thankful for it, even though I, we..." Surprisingly, that's the point he trails away, and Kazemaru has to blink at the sight of the light blush appearing on the other's face - is it really there, or is the sunset just playing tricks on his eyes? - before he finally finishes the sentence, "... really missed you."
As silence settles in once again, this is the moment Kazemaru finally moves. Simultaneously while he stands up, he also wipes at his face with the sleeve of his jacket, and then he is standing before Endou, a mix of sadness and a newfound determination on his face. And then, it's his turn to say something Endou hasn't been expecting, along with the way his hand raises slowly, fingers hooking into the fabric of Endou's jacket almost right above his heart.
"Then don't say it's a good thing I left..." His voice is almost a whisper, nothing more, and Endou bites down on his lower lip, not knowing whether to protest or apologize this time - but Kazemaru doesn't give him enough time for either. "I didn't think of it like that for a moment!" As opposed to the earlier sentence, he sounds vehement now, almost angry, his voice rising in volume. "I didn't want to leave, Captain! I really... didn't..." The outburst passes as quickly as it came, and as his fingers tighten on the brunette's coat, wrinkling it even more, he's back to whispering once more. "I just... didn't want to be dead weight..."
It would be hard to tell which of them is more surprised of the motion of Endou's palm clasping over Kazemaru's, taking it into his own, and squeezing it tightly. "Soccer is played by eleven people, Kazemaru," Endou says softly, and Kazemaru suddenly realizes they've already had this talk, a long, long time ago, slowly after Miyasaka had come to beg him to return to the track team. "It might be true that we are only as strong as our weakest member is, but..." Kazemaru glances away. "... that wasn't you, and still isn't, and that's not what matters anyways," Endou carries on, and the long-haired boy isn't completely sure he understands what the other means anymore, until...
"What matters is that neither of us ever needs to be lonely." Pause. "So, you're still with us, right?"
More of the crimson leaves stumble by behind their back, and some of Kazemaru's hair is swept into his face by a sudden gust of wind. He doesn't bother swiping it out; at least the Sun doesn't shine right into his eyes as much, and anyways, his hands are occupied - for the one that has been clasped by both of Endou's is now joined by his other hand as well, and for a brief moment, a foreign feeling comes over him - certainty.
Because, even half-blinded by the slowly dimming light, there is no way to miss the huge grin spreading across Endou's features, and the long-haired defender knows, for once, absolutely surely, that he doesn't need to say anything more - his captain knows anyways, what his answer would be.