I never wanted to see her again. Just hearing her name alone makes my heart break and I frankly have had enough heart break. When I saw Jean Louise, my Scout, every emotion of fear, sadness and unconditional love I had ever felt for her had flooded back in my veins. It felt good to have them back but at the same time I just have to shut down that part of myself, I can't accept her as part of my life anymore.
What would I do if I were to ever lose her? I never thought in a million years that my Mister Jem would go before I would. He was my little baby boy though I never called him such terms of endearment like I had done with Miss Scout. When I got the damned phone call from Mr. Finch saying that he had fallen dead on the pavement and was bringing him home I couldn't breathe. When they done brought my boy in the house his eyes were open. I don't know what was going on in that sweet head of his but it wasn't good because his souless, open eyes burned holes into the fiber of my being. I just snapped and I knew I couldn't be in that house anymore. Those eyes will haunt me for the rest of my life and I pray I don't have very long.
"Mama," Zeebo calls out for me. "You all right in there?"
"Yes," I holler.
"Why don't you come out of that room?"
"I'll be out in a few minutes."
How could I possibly face Scout when I can't even face my own family? I tried so hard to raise my family to be the best they could be and I failed anyway. If divorce is so sinful, Zeebo will be in Hell for a million years and my grandson would serve a billion and one for manslaughter. Mister Finch may do his best but I know nothing is going to help the boy. Mister Finch; his name is enough to boil my blood. I think about all I'd done for him: help to raise his children and cook his meals and clean his house while my own children had to fend for themselves. If I didn't have such a connection to his family and compassion for him when his wife died maybe I could have focused on my own family and we wouldn't be in the mess we are in. I shouldn't think that way; he does try to be a good man and I suppose he is despite being more backwards than most townfolk and especially his daughter give him credit for.
All my thoughts go back to Jem. The older that boy got, the less he started talking about his father and there almost seemed to be an emotional unattachment. Jem was always too smart for his own good and I think he learned quickly how most white men like his daddy have to pretend sometimes. It's obvious to me that Jean Louise can't seem to realize or accept that part of her daddy. That is the one difference between the Finch children: Jem could pretend but Jean Louise can't. Jean Louise is courageous, outrageous and honestly blunt to a fault; that's why I love her.
I get up out of my chair and I head to the safe where I'm keeping letters to my loved ones for when it's my time. I like to think my written words are priceless compared to material things. They better be because I don't have many material possessions to give away. I grab a pen and a piece of pretty pink construction paper from that safe and I write to my Scout.
Scout,
I love you and I honor you. I'm so sorry; please forgive me. I will watch over you from heaven just as your brother and mother have always done. You're never alone, honey, never.
Love,
Calpurnia.
There ain't no more to say.