A/N: I was so worked up last night that I wrote half of this last night before going to bed and finished it up this evening. Last night's episode was beyond crazy and so intense. I needed to get this out of my head so I can work on some less angsty things.
Paige stood underneath the hot water for what felt like an eternity, desperate to wash away the horrific events from earlier, but she could still feel Toros' hands on her. Could still feel his hand around her throat.
Paige desperately scrubbed her face and her chest, wanting to scrub her skin raw, but no matter how much she scrubbed herself she could still feel his blood on her face and hands.
Sticky.
Warm.
Red.
Paige closed her eyes as she leaned against the wall of the shower. It had to be done. She did what she had to do. It was either her or Toros and she would chose herself every damn time. She wasn't going to feel guilty for doing what she did.
Toros followed her home and pushed his way into Graceland.
The one place she was supposed to feel safe. Protected.
Not vulnerable.
Or exposed.
He attacked her.
In her home.
She wasn't supposed to feel afraid in her home. Paige didn't want to think about how afraid she felt in those few minutes. Everything happened so quickly. One minute she was trying to convince Toros to trust her. The next he had her pinned to the couch and he was on top of her with his hands around her neck. By some miracle, her bag was within reach and she was able to get to the straight razor he insisted she bring with her earlier. She was sure he never imagined that she would use it against him.
She certainly hadn't imagined that stupid razor would save her life.
Paige squeezed her eyes shut, not wanting to cry a single tear over Toros. He deserved what happened to him. If she hadn't slit his throat, he would've killed her. Or raped her. Maybe both.
She wasn't going to feel bad about what happened because he had a hard life. Just because his father put his hands on him and his mother, didn't excuse him from putting his hands on her.
"Paige? Everything okay in there?" Johnny called, loudly knocking on the bathroom door.
"Everything's fine," Paige said, shutting off the water. She lost track of how long she was in the shower. Not so long that the hot water had run out, but long enough that Johnny had come to check on her.
"I - everything's taken care of downstairs, but if you need something - and you don't - just let me know if you need something. My door's open."
Paige waited a few moments until she heard the door close before exiting the shower. She grabbed a towel and dried herself off before slipping her robe on.
What the hell happened tonight? She couldn't pinpoint the exact point in time when things went wrong.
Johnny and Mike left her alone at the church.
Briggs sold her out as part of his plan to solidify his cover and get Ari back in the Sarkissian's good graces.
Toros felt she betrayed him by leaving him at the church. He didn't even know the real reason why she left him. He thought it was personal. Didn't realize it was because her cover was blown.
Paige didn't even want to think about what could've happened if Toros had known she was DEA. For whatever reason, Tevan didn't let Toros know she was DEA. Probably cause he wanted to kill them both at the same time.
But Paul managed to alert her that her cover was blown. Thanks to that straight razor that Toros wanted her to bring so she could help prep him for the ceremony, she was able to get out of the bathroom. It also gave her a weapon when she needed one.
Paige grabbed a comb and started pulling it through her wet hair. She set it down and gripped the sink, taking a few deep breaths once she realized her hands were shaking.
Tonight wasn't the first time she had killed someone. She had killed a few people when she was on tactical, but she had never slit someone's throat and watched the life go out of their eyes as they bled out on her living room floor.
Paige took a few more moments to gather herself and skurried into the hall, wanting to avoid everyone else. She didn't want to talk to anyone. She wanted to go to sleep and put this night behind her. She didn't want to think about what could've happened. Didn't want to think about what did happen.
She quickly glanced around the hall and started making her way to her room, freezing when she saw Mike heading upstairs.
"Paige, I - "
"I'm fine," Paige insisted.
Mike carefully approached her, but made sure to stop a few steps away from her. She saw the guilt flash in his eyes. No doubt he was feeling responsible for what happened, but she didn't care about that right now. She couldn't worry about him. Not when she was barely holding it together.
"I'm sorry," Mike apologized.
"NO!" Paige screamed. "You don't get to be sorry! You left me! You and Johnny left me!" She hadn't even wanted backup there, she had been convinced she would be safe. But she didn't know that Briggs plan would expose her cover and that Mike's perpetual mistrust of Briggs would foil his plan and leave her in danger.
"Paige, I didn't know what Briggs was planning. If I had known - "
"If you had known what?" Paige asked. Briggs was just as much to blame as Mike was, if not more. She was sick of having to deal with the fallout from Briggs' plans.
Briggs killed an FBI Agent and that got him on Logan's shit list and made him a sin eater. But what sins was Briggs eating? Colby was dead and it was her fault. Martun Sarkissian and Tevan Adamian probably wanted her dead. Toros tried to kill her. But Briggs' cover was safe.
She wasn't some innocent. She had her own fair share of misdeeds. Mike was well aware of that fact. But that didn't make what happened tonight okay.
"What happened tonight - "
"What happened tonight? Just say the words, Mike! Briggs didn't bring you up to speed on his plan and you didn't trust him. So you and Johnny decided it would be okay to leave me there with no backup. It would've been okay, except for the fact that burning me was part of some plan. But I got myself out of there. I sliced open a screen in the women's bathroom and made my way home. I didn't realize Toros followed me. Not until he pushed his way inside this house." Now that she started talking about what happened, she couldn't stop. The words were pouring out of her mouth and to his credit, Mike hadn't tried to interrupt her. "Do you want details? Is that what you want?"
"If that's what you need."
Paige rolled her eyes, now that Mike was off the oxy, he was back to being complacent. "We fought. I figured out he didn't know I was DEA, I thought if I could get him to trust me, I could turn this around or something. Then he grabbed me. He threw me on the couch and got on top of me."
Mike clenched his jaw, but remained silent.
Paige took a step closer to him and held his gaze as she continued. She wasn't ashamed of what happened. She had nothing to be ashamed off. She wasn't going to cry on his shoulder and ask him to make it alright even if part of her wanted him to wrap his arms around her and tell her that everything was okay. She didn't want that. "Toros wrapped his hand around my throat and squeezed. I was gasping for air and somehow I managed to slip my hand in my bag and pulled out a straight razor. I slit his throat like an animal and his blood poured over me."
"I'm sorry," Mike apologized, his voice filled with remorse.
"What are you sorry for? I'm a DEA Agent. I had no backup and I was doing my job with the resources I had."
"You never should've been in that situation. If Briggs - "
"Fuck Briggs! Fuck you, Mike! I know I told you to stop saving me, but I needed you to have my back. And you didn't!"
Mike reached out and placed his hand on her shoulder and she stepped back from him. "Don't touch me!"
Mike's eyes filled with worry, she could see him wondering if she had left anything out of her story but she didn't. She just didn't want him touching her. If he touched her, she'd crumble. And she didn't want to crumble. Didn't want to be vulnerable in front of him. Didn't want to be vulnerable period. She wanted to put this night behind her and crying about it wasn't going to change anything.
Mike pulled his hand back, "I should've been there. If I had known something like this would happen, I never would've left you."
"But you did," Paige whispered. Out of everything that happened tonight, this was what hurt the most. She wasn't a damsel in distress that needed to be saved. Dangerous situations were part of her job. She made peace with that a long time ago. She dealt with misogynistic pigs all the time, smiling prettily while they felt her up. Finding ways to keep them close while thwarting their advances. Taking more drastic measures if she was in danger.
"I don't know what to say to fix this. Tell me what to do and I'll do it," Mike pleaded. "Just tell me."
Paige gave Mike sad smile, wondering how she and Mike got to this place. How did they go from flirting in the bathroom of a Korean Karaoke Bar to this? "You can't fix this. It's not your mess to fix. I'm not your mess. What happened tonight, this was my fault."
Everyone warned her what would happen if she continued working with Briggs after Colby died. But she couldn't ignore the part she played in Colby's death. Just like she couldn't ignore the part she played in Toros' death. She did her job. She got close to him. Got him to fall for her. Got him to trust her.
Only he fell so hard for her that he believed what they had was real. He opened up to her, sharing details about his childhood that he didn't share with anyone. What he wanted more than anything was loyalty. Wanted to proudly show her off on his arm, and when she left, he snapped. He was so hurt that he left his ceremony to come looking for her.
That was who she was. What she did. Got men to let her guard down around her and then she destroyed them. She lost count of how many times she had done that.
Professionally.
Personally.
But she had wanted to arrest Toros, not kill him.
Lost in her own thoughts, she hadn't noticed Mike approached her until his hands were on her arms. "Let me go."
"Not until you listen to me," Mike insisted. "What happened tonight, that wasn't your fault. None of it was your fault. I made the call to leave you there, that's on me. I thought - it doesn't matter what I thought, but leaving you alone, I never should've done that. Jesus, Paige - after what happened at Sylmar. I wasn't thinking."
He hadn't felt the same kind of panic since he heard she was missing. Paige spent weeks looking for her girls and hadn't been able to find them and suddenly she was one of them. He hadn't known where to start, only that he had to find her. Tonight was the same. Only her cover was blown and she was in the crosshairs of the Armenian Mafia.
"Team or no team, you were supposed to have her back."
That was what he told Jakes when he got arrested while he was on backup. He remembered how angry he was at Jakes for leaving her when he got arrested for violating a restraining order.
There hadn't been an arrest. He had a hunch that Briggs wasn't being forthcoming about the real details of his plan so he talked Johnny into leaving Paige there.
She was supposed to be safe there. But that didn't matter. He should've had Paige's back. He was the one that failed her. This wasn't her fault. She had been obsessed with bringing down the Armenians ever since Colby died, but it wasn't her battle to fight. It was Briggs. He preserved his cover while destroying Paige's. Whatever collateral damage Briggs caused along the way was inconsequential.
But Paige wasn't collateral damage. After everything they had been through. After all the times they had hurt each other, he didn't want her shouldering the blame for this.
This wasn't her fault. She had been backed into a corner and forced to make a choice.
She chose herself. He was so proud of her for that. This wasn't the same Paige that was on a suicide mission with Sid. But she wasn't so different that she wasn't blaming herself, second guessing what she couldn't done differently.
"Don't," Paige whispered, on the verge of tears.
Mike tightly wrapped his arms around her, pinning her arms against his chest, "It's not your fault, none of this is your fault," Mike whispered as she struggled in his embrace. She pounded her fist against his chest before breaking down in uncontrollable sobs, similar to how she had the night she almost moved out of Graceland.
Mike loosened his hold on her, whispering soothing words in her ear as he rubbed her back. He wasn't sure how long they stood like that. Five seconds. Five minutes. It felt like time stopped and he was grateful that she was letting him comfort her.
Paige was tough, but what happened tonight, no one should have to go through what she did alone. Charlie wasn't here for her to lean on. Jakes was gone too. She wouldn't turn to Briggs. Which left him and Johnny. Considering how things had been with him and Paige the past few months, it made more sense for her to turn to Johnny. But if she could support him through his detox, he at least owed it to her to try to support her through this.
Paige smoothed her hand over his chest. "I'm sorry. I - "
"Don't. You don't owe me an apology," Mike murmured, lightly running his fingers through her damp hair. He stepped back from her and led her to her bedroom, but didn't make a move to follow her inside.
He stood in the doorway and watched Paige climb into bed. She grabbed a pillow, hugging it to her chest. Content that she was okay for now, he started to back out of the doorway.
"Mike? Can you stay with me a little while? I..." her voice trailed off as her eyes filled with tears.
"Of course," Mike answered, relieved to be helping in some way. Grateful that he hadn't messed things up so badly that she was pushing him away. He sat down next to her, staying on top of the blankets, not wanting to cross any of the lines they had carefully drawn. Paige inched closer to him, hesitating for a few moments before resting her head on his lap.
Mike relaxed as she settled in to go to sleep. He would just stay a little while. Just until she fell asleep. He noted the book on her nightstand, Jane Eyre.
Just a week ago she was reading Anna Karenina to him. Was she working her way through the classics? "Do you want me to read to you?"
During his detox he had been so out of it, but he remembered how hearing her voice quieted the ones in his head. If he could do that for her, he'd happily read her every novel that filled her bookshelves.
"You don't have to."
Mike reached behind her and flipped on her bedside lamp. "It's fine. I haven't read this since Freshman Lit. I could probably use a refresher." Mike picked up the book. "Where did you leave off?"
"I haven't started yet. I just finished Anna Karenina."
"There was no possibility of taking a walk that day. We had been wandering, indeed, in the leafless shrubbery an hour in the morning, but since dinner (Mrs. Reed, where there was no company, dined early) the cold winter wind had brought with it clouds so sombre, and a rain so penetrating, that further out-door exercise was now out of the question..." Mike softly read.
He must've read the first twenty pages before her eyes closed and her breathing slowed down. Mike watched her for a few minutes, making sure she was asleep before quietly closing the book and setting it down on her nightstand.
He smiled softly at the peaceful expression on her face, relieved that she was finding solace in her dreams. Everyone around her failed her tonight, him more than anyone. Paige was strong. She had fallen, but hadn't broken. He would do whatever it took to make sure she never broke.
THE END