I never thought it would come to this.
Gandalf said that if I came back from this adventure I would never be the same. He was right. These things change you, and not always for the worse. I have learnt so much on this quest; I've met so many people and done so many things that I could not have even dreamed of beforehand. My adventure taught me how to be brave, and it taught me how to love. I was so cheerful in those moments we spent together. Those were some of the best days of my life. So why now am I so desperate, so hurt, so alone? What's the painful part, what's the deep dark secret, like the roaring thunder in the night that keeps you awake, or the bitter wind of winter that chills you to the bone?
The painful part is that I learned what it feels like to lose someone. Someone you love with all your heart, someone you admire and respect and would do anything in the world for. I fell in love so fast, but it all came crashing down and in the blink of an eye he was gone, Thorin was gone. Thorin is gone. And there's nothing I can do to change it, nothing that will turn back time and bring him back to me. In my utter desperation and sorrow I have no way to get him back, and it has broken me. There are no words to describe the pain, to describe the torment I am feeling. The grief is killing me. There is no light, no hope, nothing at all. All I see is darkness and despair.
And I never thought it would come to this. I've tried so hard to be brave; to be the courageous hobbit that I once was, who fought with orcs and spoke with dragons, but it is hopeless. How can I live, how can I allow myself to live, after everything that I have witnessed? The suffering, the heartbreak, the deaths… Oh there were so many deaths, so many, too many.
So much death. So many lives lost, what difference does one more life make? Nobody would miss me. Nobody will care. My passing would not grieve them. I have no one to hold onto; not one person loves me enough to even notice when I am gone. And yet the thought of it makes me feel so selfish, and I'm so scared to actually do it, terrified by the void of death.
I never thought it would come to this, having to choose whether I want to live or die. Every day is a nightmare filled with ceaseless pain, a piercing agony in my heart that keeps me awake even in the darkest hours of the night, when all is silent and still. Even though living is so difficult, and all my hope seems to have faded before my eyes, I think that I must try. I must try to go on for as long as I can, despite the constant anguish. Thorin wouldn't want me dead. He would want me to be happy and well, living my life to its fullest extent, making the most of every opportunity that comes my way. That's what he would want, isn't it? And whatever he would want I must try my best to accomplish. I cannot deny his wishes. I loved him too much for that.
No, I love him too much for that. Because I still do, deep down in my heart. I think that once you fall in love it is something that never leaves you, a sensation that lingers until the end of your days. Perhaps that is what I have to hold onto, the memories and the love and everything we shared. There is nothing more special, more precious than that. Nothing more precious… No, there's nothing at all.