Title: Forgive Me
Rating: T
Warning: Canon character deaths and child abuse
Disclaimer: I do not own Metalocalypse.
Summary: Everything Toki ever cared about or loved ended up dying. It first started when he was a young boy, but he never really noticed anything was wrong until he joined Dethklok.
AN: Just an idea I came up and ran with. Oh, and no accents in the beginning, just assume they are speaking Norwegian.
This is not beta'd because everyone I asked that said they would beta it told me they would then went and told me to use spell check and just post it. They never even read it. /lowered self-esteem. SO, I re read it myself a billion times, fixed any mistakes I missed, and so hopefully it isn't to bad.
xxxx
Toki let out a shaking breath as he stacked the last log perfectly on the pile. It had taken all afternoon, but it was finally done. His arms ached but he knew better than to complain or slack off. What was a little arm pain compared to a vicious whipping or isolation in the punishment hole?
Not wanting to be caught doing nothing Toki quickly made his way back to the house to grab the broom to start his next chore. He never understood the point of sweeping the snow, it seemed pointless and redundant, but he never questioned his father. At least not anymore. The last time he questioned his father he was whipped until he lost consciousness and then left chained for three days with no food or water. He might not be a genius but Toki was a fast learner.
With broom in hand the young boy started from the front of the house and mindlessly swept the snow to create a path. There were no roads or actual paths for Toki to uncover or sweep, but nonetheless he kept sweeping.
It was well into the late hours when the Reverend Aslaug finally came out to collect his only son. He wordlessly scanned Toki's work, no expression on his face that would indicate if it was passable or not. Toki just stood as still as he possibly could, holding his breath, praying to whoever would listen that he could finally rest for the night.
But no one answered Toki's prayers that night. His father stepped forward towards Toki and grabbed him by the back of his neck and dragged him to where the stack of logs he earlier stacked were. The Reverend didn't need to say anything, Toki saw his mistake. A single log was out of place, a careless mistake on his part.
"Forgive me father," Toki said, turning his gaze upwards towards his father.
With a sneer, Reverend Aslaug continued dragging Toki past the logs and into the shed where he then threw him to the ground. Toki immediately stood up and went to go towards the chains as he was conditioned to do, but his father stopped him before he reached them.
"Strip to your underwear," he said, his voice sending a wave of fear throughout the young boys body. Toki did as he was told and in record time he stood before his father in only his worn out underwear.
Toki watched as his father went out of the shed and back towards the house. Not knowing what was going on he did the only thing he knew to do in these kinds of situations. Stand still, don't make a sound, and wait for whatever punishment he would be getting.
The cold bit into Toki's skin as he stared wide eyed into the darkness outside. It was only ten minutes until he once again saw his father returning, this time with a large jar. Once the Reverend entered the shed he closed the door and motioned Toki to the center of the room. In the center, Toki watched as his father poured the contents of the jar onto the ground in front of him. Once empty Toki looked from his father then down to the pile of spilled grain in front of him.
Without a word Toki slowly knelt down onto the grain, holding back a grimace as some of it cut into his already cut knees. This was nothing new, it was just another form of punishment for Toki.
"Recite the prayer, boy." The Reverend then made his way towards the far wall, where he kept different 'disciplinary instruments.' Picking up a simple whip he slowly made his way back to Toki who had just begun to recite the Lords prayer.
"Our Father who art in heaven, hollowed be thy name."
"Louder!" the Revered bellowed, bringing down the whip onto his sons back.
"Your Kingd-"
"Start over!" Another crack of the whip.
"Our Father who art in heaven, hollowed be thy name. Your Kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven."
Toki continued to recite the prayer, starting over every time his father found fault in his reciting. He didn't know how much time had passed, but judging by the burn in his back and knees it had to have been at least an hour if not more. And in all that time he had yet to say the final line of the prayer.
Finally, Toki said, "And lead us not into Temptation, but deliver us from evil."
Silence was the only answer Toki got as he waited for something to happen. Waited for another whipping, for more instructions, for anything. After a few minutes he felt the cold hand of his father on his arm, dragging him to his feet. With a long bony finger the Reverend pointed to Toki's discarded shorts, which Toki quickly put back on.
The two of them then slowly made their way through the snow and back into the house. Without a word Toki went into the kitchen, took the stale bread waiting for him, and made his way to his bedroom. He ate silently on the floor, his room barely large enough for him to sleep in, but it was warm. Then again anything was warmer then the shed or punishment hole. Silent tears slid down his cheeks as he laid down amongst his tattered blanket, mindful of his throbbing back, to sleep before having to wake up tomorrow to do more chores.
xxxx
Toki watched as his parents disappeared on the horizon, going off to say a prayer to a family who had recently lost a child. Knowing better than to just stand there Toki quickly went to start to work around the house. Careful not to break anything, again, the young boy cleaned every inch of the house until it was spotless. Once done, he made his way outside to start loading and carrying crates up the hill to arrange them in a pile.
During the trek up and down the hill Toki started to think, 'Would anyone say a prayer for me if I died? No. No one would pray for a bad child.' Frowning he finished up his current load and sat down on the cold ground to catch his breath, taking a little longer than he normally would since no one was around to catch him not working.
Bringing his knees up to his chest he stared ahead into the forest wondering how long he would survive if he were to run away right now. Would anyone befriend him? Help him? Or would they see he was the Reverends son and take him back home?
Just then Toki saw a figure coming from the distance and head towards him. Once close enough he saw the figure was a white rabbit that had slowed upon seeing the young boy sitting in the snow.
"Hey there Mister Bunny, you would be my friend right? You would say a prayer for me right?" Toki asked as he held out his hand towards the rabbit. Cautiously, the rabbit moved closer to Toki, as if drawn towards the boy and sniffed his hand. Sensing no danger it hoped closer until Toki picked it up and held it in his lap.
Smiling a real smile, something he rarely ever did anymore, Toki sat there on the ground just petting and talking to the rabbit, not at all caring that the rabbit didn't respond, forgetting about his chores and father.
"Oh Mister Bunny you are a real good listener," Toki told the rabbit, after who knows how long. The sun was setting and he didn't even seem to care or remember all the chores he had not done. All he cared about was his new friend, his only friend, sitting on his lap.
Stomach growling Toki looked down at the rabbit and asked, "Are you hungry? Maybe there is some bread in the kitchen. I'll even share it with you."
Tilting its head to the side and wiggling its nose, Toki took all that as an okay from the little creature. Getting to his feet he made his way into the house, with rabbit in arms, and first made a stop in his room to put it down. Closing the door he went into the kitchen and spied some bread that he took back to his room.
"I love you Mister Bunny." Both Toki and the rabbit were busy eating the bread, neither of them hearing the return of Aslaug and his wife. "You wont leave me, right?"
Just then the door to the bedroom opened and Toki's father looked down at his son who was holding a now frightened rabbit in his arms. Narrowing his eyes he quickly snatched up the rabbit and turned to leave.
"No! Don't hurt him! He is my only friend!" Toki cried as he got to his feet.
"I will deal with you later for slacking on your chores," his father told him, slamming the door shut.
Toki stared wide eyed at the closed door. He knew better than to leave the room at this time. With nothing to do but hope his rabbit friend was alright Toki slumped down onto the ground staring at the door, waiting for his punishment.
xxxx
About three hours passed before Toki's father opened his sons door again. Looking up to his father, Toki held onto the hope that although he would get punished his father would have shown mercy on his little friend.
"Get up boy. It is time to eat."
Confused, but not about to argue, Toki stood up and wordlessly followed his father to the kitchen table. On the table was a single bowl of what looked like meat in broth. He watched his father point to the seat in front of the bowl and he quickly took it. Not sure what to do, wasn't he in trouble? Toki stared up to his father confused.
"Eat."
Slowly reaching for the utensil Toki then noticed his mother quietly cleaning up the counter. Looking from his mother to the bowl a certain feeling of dread started to form in the pit of his stomach. It wasn't until his mother turned towards him did he figure out why he felt it.
"Mister Bunny?" Toki choked down a sob as he watched his mother toss out the skinned fur of what obviously used to be his little friend. The connection finally formed in his head as he looked from the pelt to the meat in the bowl. Toki tried to stand, to get out of the kitchen, but two strong hands on his shoulder kept him on his seat.
"Eat!"
Frantically shaking his head Toki refused to eat. No, he would not eat his only friend. It didn't matter if he had only known the rabbit for a few short hours, it was still his friend.
Motioning for his wife, Anja quickly took over holding her son down onto the chair as her husband grabbed a spoonful of the rabbit stew with one hand and forced Toki's mouth open with the other. Toki couldn't help but cry as he was held down and force fed every last bit of the rabbit. To him this was worse than going days without food. Worse than all the pointless and hard chores he was expected to do. This was far worse than any time in the punishment hole, or vicious punishment he was forced to endure.
Once the last bit of rabbit was forced down his throat, he was released and left alone at the table. Toki didn't move, not for the longest time.
"Please Mister Bunny, forgive me."
xxxx
Over the years Toki experienced more deaths of those he showed compassion towards, but it wasn't until he joined Dethklok did he realize something was wrong with him, that he was cursed.
First it was little Juliette who had only wanted to see Toki before she died. At first he couldn't care, but after seeing her video he was touched. He wanted nothing more than to give the little girl her last wish.
All he saw though was a dead body. She died before he could meet her, before he got a chance to tell her how her video touched him. Before he got a chance to fulfill her last wish of meeting him. Looking down at her dead body all he could see was the rotting corpse of the little girl. Decaying and blaming him for not being able to die happy.
Later that day Toki stared at himself in the mirror, still drenched in blood. In the corner of his eye he could see her but every time he went to look she would disappear. It was his fault, his fault, all his fault!
"Please Juliette, forgive me."
xxxx
Toki clutched his guitar in his arms, fighting back the tears he was trying so desperately to hold in. He carefully then positioned his fingers and tried to play but wound up only playing wrong notes and sounding terrible.
Skwisgaar looked in on Toki from the doorway of the brunets room, saying nothing. His lip twitched at the terrible playing but otherwise he remained expressionless. Sensing an audience Toki looked up to see the blonde staring at him from his position on his bed.
Quickly looking away, not wanting his idol to see the build up of tears in his eyes, Toki tried his hardest to sound better. Yet, no matter how hard he tried he didn't play any better. In fact, to him he sounded even worse.
Slowing his fingers until they stopped playing Toki hung his head down, eyes wide with tears that still refused to fall. With shaking shoulders the guitarist pulled off his guitar and threw it onto the ground where it bounced and settled near his work bench.
"Maybies if I prak-ticed, den maybies I coulds haves been a betters students." Toki stared at his fingers, cursing them, cursing himself.
He still felt him. He could still feel the weight of his master, his teacher, his father-friend in his arms. He could still hear his sickly coughing in his ears. 'Lazy, ungrateful, lazy, unworthy,' were just some of the words going through his mind. If he tried harder, maybe just maybe he could have been the pupil that was worthy of being taught by a master such as Dimneld.
He had told Toki that he loved him, those were his last words. Toki was barely aware of the guitar being placed in his lap or the hands carefully positioning his fingers over strings. Trying to swallow past the lump in his throat he looked up to Skwisgaar but all he saw was his master. He saw the love in his masters eyes but he also saw disappointment. He saw how he failed to live up to his masters standards and how he failed to make him proud.
Swallowing hard he started playing one of the new songs he was supposed to be learning for the new album. Every now and then he felt fingers on his, fixing them when he played something wrong. Dimneld was already dead, it was too late, but Toki tried hard to make him proud.
"Please master, forgive me."
xxxx
It was an accident, he didn't mean to drop him. He slipped, he didn't notice the ice covering the step. He didn't mean to kill him, not when he had just forgiven him. He was a murderer, a true sinner. He killed someone and not just anybody either. Toki killed his own father.
Toki felt so alone at the moment, even though he was in the same room with all his band mates. Staring at the ground, Toki stayed silent but on the inside he was freaking out. He should be happy his father was gone, but he wasn't. His arms felt even heavier now, heavier than when he held Dimneld. Toki held them both the same way during their last moments of life.
He let his father down. He was so close to the house, just a few steps away from the door. But he dropped him and watched helplessly as he slipped into the darkness of the lake. Was he cursed? Toki was starting to believe that he was. He had finally forgiven his father for all the things he had done to him but then he died. Sure, he was already on deaths door but because of Toki he was sent to his God earlier than expected.
Once again it was his fault someone died unhappy. This was just the first time he actually physically been the cause of the death.
No tears fell, even though he felt like crying. His mind might have forgiven his father but not his body. His body did not allow a single tear to fall for the man who scarred and abused it.
Toki didn't even know if he could ever face his mother again. When he told her what happened she said nothing but Toki saw the pain in her eyes. He had quickly left after telling her, not wanting to stay around any longer than needed. He was to scared of being punished one last time for what he had done.
But sitting in the dethcopter with the band did give him some comfort. They all could have gone off into different rooms, but they stayed. Deep down he wished they would leave though. How much longer until one of them died because he cared about them, and he cared about each and everyone of them. How long before Nathan or Pickles died? Or Charles or Murderface? How long before he killed Skwisgaar?
Shaking his head to clear the thoughts, he blamed them on what he did earlier. It was an accident when he dropped his father. He wasn't cured, he didn't kill those he loved or cared about. His fathers death was an accident and all the others died of natural causes. Nothing was Toki's fault.
So then why did Toki still blame himself?
"Please father, forgive me."
xxxx
The moment the klokateer came into the main room of the dethbus to tell the band members of Charles' death Toki knew he was cursed. He was still sort of buzzed but he was sober enough to know what was going on but also drunk enough to still blame himself.
It wasn't metal to cry in front of band members, but Pickles was on his knees in tears so Toki figured it would be alright to cry too, just this one time.
Moving over to sit by Pickles, he wrapped his arms around the red head whispering "Is sorries" to him over and over. Pickles clutched onto Toki mumbling words only he could understand, while the others sat silent, tears of their own filling their eyes.
For about a month after the attack, Toki couldn't bring himself to be near Pickles. He blamed himself and the curse he knew he had for the death of their manager. He knew how close Pickles and Charles were and he couldn't stand looking at Pickles because every time he saw him he was reminded that not only did he cause the death of someone he cared about but he also stole that person away from someone else who cared for them. Eventually he was able to be around Pickles, often sharing his sadness with the drummer.
Toki kept thinking back to the night of the attack, trying to figure out how it had come to its conclusion. Trying to figure out if he could have prevented something, or done something that would have saved Charles. But he didn't remember anything. It was all fuzzy and what he did remember made no sense.
'That's it, that's the problem,' Toki thought as he looked down at the plastic cup him his hand. He threw it down, it's contents splashing everywhere, and backed up away from it.
If he hadn't been drinking he could have done something different, he could have helped fight back. His efforts might have been in vain but it was all too possible that if he was sober he could have helped prevent that killing punch. Maybe if he didn't drink himself into a stupor he could have saved Offdensen and prove he wasn't cursed.
"Please Charles, forgive me."
xxxx
When Charles returned on the night of their concert a huge weight lifted off of Tokis shoulders. Charles was still alive, he faked his own death, Toki didn't kill him. Perhaps the curse was all in his head?
For awhile, Toki did forget about his worries about death and all that, that is until the 'hamburger time' situation arose. Yet, no one was really dying and he had a new cat that he could play with. Of course, then everything shattered into millions of pieces.
Pickles the Drummer was dying.
All his previous fears came flooding back into his mind as he sat alone in his room with his new cat. Picking it up he cradled it in his arms, rubbing his face to its face.
Whenever he sought out the drummer to see him, spend as much time as possible together, he would always either be with Charles or off binging. It wasn't Tokis fault he cared about his band mates. Even with the no caring rule, which he though was stupid, he couldn't help it. He didn't want to stop caring, but he knew he had to before he was all alone.
But later that week as they all sat around, they were informed that Pickles was not dying. Tokis heart skipped a beat and he sighed in relief. Pickles wasn't going to die, it wasn't his urine. He was fine. Someone else was dying. Someone…
Toki started to freak out as he looked down and saw the dead body of his cat on the ground. It was never Pickles who was dying, it was his cat. Tokis world went dark as he collapsed onto the ground.
When he next woke up he found himself alone in his bed, with Deddy bear tucked under his arm. It didn't matter how he got there, or who brought him. All that mattered was he was once again alone because once again he killed something he loved.
Sure he wasn't the best pet owner but his only other pet had been Mister Bunny, who he only had for a few hours. He had nothing to go by, but he loved that cat and he caused its death.
Toki didn't know what to do, so when Skwisgaar stopped by later to check on him he just sat on his bed silently. His mind was full to the brim with sadness and he didn't know what to do anymore, he didn't want anyone else to die.
Skwisgaar left sometime later, suggesting that Toki should have a coffin made for the cat before leaving. Watching as the door shut Toki got out his phone to ask Charles to make some burial arrangements. The others might think it was dumb but he wanted the cat to have a huge crypt, as for a way of apology for not being a better owner.
Once the initial coffin was brought to Toki, he personally saw to it that the cat was safely secure inside. Closing the lid he kept his hands on the top, trying to be strong.
"Please my little friend, forgive me."
xxxx
It felt horrible not caring about anyone, but it had to be done. He stopped caring about everyone he cared about, like Rockso, even though he had a slight relapse when he helped him with his reunion. He tried not to care about the band or Charles, but that was even harder than not caring about Rockso. He craved their attention but the moment he would get it he would remember all the deaths and back off.
The hardest, though, was not caring -not loving- Skwisgaar. It was easy, at first. All Toki had to do was remind himself of all the ridicule and belittlement the blonde put him through. All the names he called him, all the snide remarks, all the tears he made him cry.
But he was still the hardest one to make himself hate in the end. He didn't hate Skwisgaar at all even when he told the older guitarist he did. It was for the best though, or so he kept telling himself. Maybe if he just kept saying he hated the Swede then nothing bad would happen.
When Skwisgaar left for Sweden Toki used it as an opportunity to prove to himself he didn't care anymore. He became selfish in trying to take his place as lead and he didn't care if he acted like an idiot or seemed like he was cold. But when Skwisgaar announced he was returning with them he felt relief and joy, which he then tried to get rid of by helping Pickles beat up Murderface, who in Tokis opinion had it coming.
After that, Toki tried very hard to keep his distance from Skwisgaar, which was hard to do when they lived in the same house and played in the same band.
Nobody said anything about him keeping his distance, if they even noticed. Nobody mentioned how Toki no longer followed Skwisgaar around like a puppy anymore or how he would no longer seek him out for advice or to hangout, even if he got rejected most of the time. Nobody notice, that is, except Skwisgaar himself.
Toki was sitting at his work desk painting his latest plane model when he heard his door open and close. Setting down the plane the turned his chair and saw Skwisgaar standing by the closed door, arms folded across his chest.
"Cans I helps you?" Toki asked, annoyed. Being alone in his room with the Swede made not caring harder than it already was.
"What ams wrongs wid you Toki?" Skwisgaar asked, letting his arms fall to rest on his hips.
Puzzled, Toki replied, "Wrongs? Nothings wrongs with me."
"Pfft, I tinks I knows when sometings wrongs. You nevers hangs out wid me noes more."
"Why does you cares?"
"I-I," Skwisgaar pursed his lips, looked thoughtful for a moment, but then glared at Toki.
The room was silent for the longest time as both of them stared at each other. Toki stood up from his chair and went to stand in front of his fellow guitarist, both still silent. He wanted, more than anything, for Skwisgaar to tell him he cared about him, that he liked him, but he also didn't want to hear it. If he heard it he knew he wouldn't be able to hold back his feelings any longer.
"Toki, you ams a little criesbabies, why would I cares abouts you?"
"Dats for da best," Toki replied, turning away from Skwisgaar so he wouldn't see his eyes watering. He needed this. He needed to know that Skwisgaar didn't care about him so it would be easier to not care either. Toki just never realized how painful it was hearing him say it.
"I hates you," Toki whispered, not believing the words at all. Toki didn't want to see anymore deaths. In his mind he saw his bunny, little Juliette, Dimneld, his father, his cat. He saw Charles and Pickles, who were close calls, and last he saw Skwisgaar. He saw him in a coffin, an unhealthy pale and lifeless. Toki knew he would never forgive himself, nor receive forgiveness, if he caused the death of the worlds fastest guitarist.
Toki was taken from his thoughts as two hands grabbed him and turned him around. A single tear fell from his eye as he felt the Swedes full lips press against his.
"I hates you too, Toki," Skwisgaar said after he pulled away.
Toki allowed himself a smile as a one billion dollar finger brushed away the tear. Maybe if he never said the word love, maybe then the curse wouldn't work. Maybe the curse would spare Skwisgaar, just as it spared Charles and Pickles. Maybe the curse didn't affect Dethklok. Toki just had to wait and see.
And for the first time Toki went to bed and didn't beg anyone for forgiveness.
Fin.
xxxx
AN2: Accent dialogue sucks, but there isn't much so hopefully it was okay.
Reviews and criticisms are much appreciated and make me feel happy on the inside