Disclaimer: I do not own Chicago PD... if I did there would be a lot more Linstead ;-)
Numb.
This is all I feel as I sit there in my car, my knuckles gripping the steering wheel so tight.
He's okay Erin, I try and remind myself.
I felt numb when Al called to tell me Jay had been abducted.
I squeeze my eyes closed tight, Jay and abducted are two words that I never wanted to hear in the same sentence.
My hands run through my hair as I try and let go of the numbness to get out of my car and enter the hospital towards the man I desperately need to see.
Until I've seen Jay all cleaned up I refuse to believe he's okay.
My feet have a mind of their own as I enter Med and ask Maggie frantically where Jay is.
She sends me a sympathetic glance and lets me know where I will find his room.
My mind doesn't process anyone or anything as I rush through the hospital, I slow as I approach his room finding my courage to open the door
I enter his room and breath a sigh of relief at his sleeping form.
My eyes have a mind of their own as I walk towards his bed. They wander his body covered in cuts and bruises, each one caused because of me.
My knees give out and I sit on the seat by his bed, our hands finding each other for comfort.
The sound of his heart monitor beeping lulls me into a state of calm as I watch the steady rise and fall of his muscled chest.
When it feels like days have passed but it's really only been a few hours I feel his hand twitch and his eyes open.
His stunning blue immediately seek mine out, wondering who has his hand hostage.
For a second I'm worried he will be mad it's me, blame me and refuse to see me or trust me ever again. Despite the relief when he saw me earlier.
"Erin." His voice is parched but still sends shivers down my spine.
The one word from his lips is enough to break the last of my resolve. There was so much love and warmth in the one word that is hurts my heart.
I put my head down onto the bed, resting over our clasped hands as I sob.
When he groans in pain I just sob harder, wishing I could stop and hating to be seen as weak by anyone but especially this man.
The only man I've ever felt this kind of love for.
His other hand reaches over and runs through my hair, calming me and soothing me.
I let my tears subside and I look up and feel his hand move from my hair to my cheek.
"I'm fine Erin, honestly, I'm okay. You saved me."
I immediately let go of his hand and pull away from him. My feet take me to the window where I look out at the city that has seen me at my worst, the city that gave me hardships but also the city that brought me to Jay.
The same chaotic and beautiful city that was almost witness to Jay's demise today.
My sobs are gut wrenching and my hands grip the window sill.
Numb.
What I would give to feel numb again.
The next thing I process is Jay's strong arms wrapping around my waist from behind and letting me cry.
I struggle in his arms but he just holds tighter, I hear a few grunts of pain and I know he's ignoring it. For me. Always for me.
Taking some deep breaths I force myself to calm down so he can stop hurting, and once there is just silent tears running down my face we are both staring out at the city.
His hands hold mine over my stomach and I feel his chin rest on my shoulder.
After a few more minutes he turns his head and places a gentle and loving kiss on my neck.
Slowly I turn into his embrace and we stand there, chests together and arms wrapped tightly around the other.
"I didn't save you. I'm the reason you were taken, I'm the reason you're hurting and I'm the reason you almost died." My voice cracks on the last word and my tears start again.
"You did hurt me Erin," my heart breaks at his words.
He always seems to just forgive me and be there beside me, never judging me or holding anything against me.
Not even when he saw Landon at my place.
"When you pushed me away you hurt me, I'll admit that. You know how I feel about you. But I do understand, you have been through so much pain in your life and I wish you would open up to me and let me in… and more than anything I wish I could take it away. You are so beautiful, caring and selfless and it pains me that you feel so broken."
The tears running down my cheeks speed up as my heart aches at his words.
"But you didn't get me taken, this isn't your fault. My physical injuries were not your fault. Hank stationed everyone outside; he didn't have anyone in the airport. Tactical decision but still, even if you were there, there was nothing you could have done. But you saved me." One hand moves to caress my cheek and I lean into it.
"I thought I was going to lose you. When Al called my heart stopped, I can't lose you. I can't. Nadia was hard almost impossible but you, Jay you're everything and if…" I trail off not being able to finish the thought.
"You saved me." He repeats again and brings his forehead against mine ignoring the pain in his ribs.
"When they were torturing me," I wince at this words and the images that come to mind.
"I thought of you, your face, your voice and that beautiful smile and laugh you have. These thoughts kept me sane. It's the only thing I could focus on not to give up. If I died there it would have been thinking of you, I wouldn't want it any other way." Jay pauses and his thumbs wipe my tears away.
"Then all of a sudden you were there in front of me. At first I thought I was dreaming but then you came to me. I knew we were going to make it out when I looked into your eyes."
"How?" I whisper, caught up in his piercing gaze.
"The look I saw in your eyes… Determination. Besides I know what an amazing cop you are… and there was no way I was letting them take you from this world, so I would have fought back using every last ounce of strength I had."
"Don't ever do this to me again." I whisper as I dig my head into his neck inhaling his scent.
"I won't if you don't. No more pushing me away or disappearing." He forces me to look into his eyes.
"I won't. Ever again. I promise." We stand there staring at each other before I usher him back to his bed.
I bring him some water and stroke his hair watching his eyes close at my touch.
He reaches a hand out and I gently take it and allow him to pull me onto the bed and into his side.
We always fit so perfectly together.
"I know how you feel about me?" I question as we lay there in silence, refusing to make eye contact.
"Yeah. You do." He whispers back, his hand brushing hair behind my ear.
"Let's assume I don't… or need some helpful reminders…" I slowly look to meet his eyes.
"I love you, Erin. Always." His voice is serious but full of love and his eyes convey to me how much truth is in his statement.
I know a part of him is expecting me to run away, he has never said those words before. I suspected he wanted to when we were together but was afraid I would run.
I probably would have.
But I've never almost lost him before.
"Good. I love you too Jay." I see his eyes widen in complete shock.
"You expected me to run?" I allow myself a smile.
His face shifts from shock to happiness as he nods.
"I won't lie, in the past I would have. But I've never almost lost you. Life is too short so we need to say it when we can. My only concern is; how can you trust me again?"
"I'll always trust you Erin. I love you." I can't help smiling as I hear it again.
Slowly we lean in and our lips meet in a kiss full of love and passion and hope for the future.
When we pull away I whisper the same words back.
I can't get enough of exchanging these words with him.
Our lips meet again until we pull away and lay comfortably in each other's arms.
I'm exactly where I'm meant to be and I'm not going anywhere.
I belong here with this man beside me.
Always.
A/N: I'm new to this whole writing thing, sorry for any mistakes. Let me know what you think :)