Of Course You Know This Means War? A Matentai Loki Ragnarok fic; part 1
It had long been Heimdall's driving ambition to kill Loki. In fact, it had been his driving ambition for the last couple hundred years, especially after a certain Turn-of-the-Century party. He had planned for ages thinking of the most painful and humiliating ways to do away with the shape- shifting pest, but all the plans had hinged on one thing---the right time.
Now it looked like the right time would never come.
Stupid Loki had got himself exiled to the human dimension and stuck in an embarrassingly adorable form. Heimdall quickly changed his plans (taking only a few years) then asked Odin for permission to finally do his rival in. It hadn't been that easy, but Heimdall managed to broach the subject in such a way that Odin was convinced it was HIS idea for Heimdall to do the exile in.
Heimdall carefully chose his form as a mockery of Loki's own, then put into motion the graceful events that would culminate in Loki's return of the stolen eye, and begging for forgiveness. Which would not be granted. Instead, Heimdall pictured Loki plunging into deep cold water to die in painful misery.
It hadn't gone precisely as planned. Heimdall had been so wrapped up in the mechanics of causing Loki's death that he had not taken into account Loki himself. The other god had been on Earth much longer, and understood how to use what magic he had to the fullest. And he had sidekicks. Sidekicks, of all things!
So Heimdall failed and Odin (since it HAD been Odin's idea to begin with, you know) decided that a fitting punishment for Heimdall's failure to kill Loki would result in a similar punishment.
So now Heimdall was also in a child's body, and without a clue as to how to return to the divine dimension. He was marginally better off then Loki had been at first, but he didn't see it that way. In his mind, it was Loki's fault that he didn't die the way he was meant to. Loki, who lived in a large mansion, ate well, had some obsessive family member turned domestic, a cute girl, and Thor, a highly useful friend. Where as Heimdall usually lived on instant noodles, had magicked his way into a failing apartment complex, and had to deal with Freyr, a highly useless person as far as roommates went. Not to mention the damn pig.
In short he was miserable, and was even more miserable because Loki appeared not to be suffering. So Heimdall's plans slowly changed---instead of killing Loki in a messy and painful way, he'd make his existance just as miserable as his own.
&&
"Yamino-kun, what is all this?"
"I'm very glad you're home, Loki-sama. All this arrived in the mail today and is addressed to you." Yamino stood waist deep in stacks of boxes, large mailing envelopes, and correspondance. Loki picked up the topmost item on a nearby stack. It was a magazine. Indeed, most of the living room was full of magazines, many wrapped in plastic to create large bundles.
"Basset Hound Weekly," he read off the cover. He opened the attached envelope. "Dear Mr. Loki: Congratulations on your one year subscription of our quality publication! You have received your free gift of six months' back issues totaling twenty-four 200 pg magazines chock full of information and entertainment pertaining to the beloved basset hound dog. Your bill for a one year subscription will arrive in 4-10 days. We look forward to your continued readership."
Loki snatched another envelope. It contained a similar greeting welcoming him to his 1-yr subscription to Sitar Rock Bands. The pattern was repeated for such titles as Toll Painting Guild, Scrimshaw Monthly, Wrought Iron Collecting, Ferret Fancy, Russian Opera Review, Amateur Poets Anonymous, and Aryuvedic Astrology. He looked up at Yamino, who was now separating boxes from magazines. "What IS this?" he asked again.
"I don't know, Loki-sama."
"Did you go on another mail-order spree again?'
"No. This was all addressed to you. I never knew you like Portuguese Masonry."
"I don't. Or, I don't think I do."
"Perhaps you've won a contest."
The doorbell rang and Yamino stepped over the carefully piled magazines. Dreading another delivery, he opened the door.
"Hello, Yamino-san!" the energetic teenager greeted him.
"Ah, hello, Mayura-san. Come inside, but do watch your-----"
THUD! "Ouch!"
"----step."
Mayura looked up from where she lay on the floor. "Wow! What a lot of magazines! I never knew you read this many!" She stood carefully avoiding knocking over anything, then paused halfway up.
"Lolita Radar? Whose is this?"
Yamino snatched the magazine away from the girl's eyes; Loki spoke up.
"We don't know where these came from. Apparently we have been subscribing to dozens of titles without even knowing about it."
"It's a mystery!"
Loki was thoughtful. "Yes, it is." He turned and walked back into the house. "Yamino-kun, I think I'll need some tea."
&&
Fifteen minuets later Loki and Mayura sat around a tea table looking over the greeting notices that had appeared with the magazines and free gifts. There were more then Loki had first expected; nearly thirty magazine subscriptions had arrived in one day, and there was no telling how many more might be on their way. The subject matter ranged from the obscurely mundane (Antique Cola Memorabilia) to the embarrassing (Lolita Radar) to the bewildering (Advanced Economic Theory for Dummies). With Yamino standing nearby ready to refill cups, the two got to work.
At first they had looked for a pattern determining the titles, but the subject matter was vast and seemed to have no connection. Subscription lengths varied, the value of the free gift seemed to have no role in the choosing of the magazine, and a quick glance at the masthead showed no common names between any magazine. Nearly an hour later Loki was convinced that no pattern existed. It was just too random, which may be a clue in itself. . .He fell into contemplation.
Mayura interrupted his thoughts. "It's funny that none of these are magazines that any sane person would want to buy."
"They're very specific. Everyone needs a hobby, I suppose."
"But so many of them! It's would be very troublesome to have to keep track of them all."
Loki sat up then. "Very troublesome, indeed," he repeated. "It's obvious that someone went through a lot of trouble to sign me up for subscriptions to all these magazines. This someone must have a lot of spare time, and really want to cause me trouble." He was standing now, brushing the cake crumbs off his coat.
"Yamino-kun!" he called. A moment later the older man arrived, still holding the tea tray.
"Yes, Loki-sama?"
"We've solved the mystery."
Mayura was ecstatic. "Really? Shall we apprehend them in a darkened street and demand an explanation? If they don't give us one, we shall hand them over to the police for---for public nuisance! We'll be heroes! Yay! Enjaku Detective Agency to the rescue!"
Loki managed to catch the girl mid-breath. "Mayura, Yamino-kun and I are going out for a while. Why don't you go to the police with this?"
"Me? Sure!"
As Mayura gathered up the papers on the tea table Yamino and Loki made a quick exit.
"What exactly is Mayura-san taking to the police?" Yamino asked.
Loki smiled. "Whatever she wants to, I guess."
&&
Washing your roommate's dirty socks in an old kitchen sink wasn't Heimdall's idea of a fun evening. And when said roommate always seemed to be absent come laundry day, the chore was made even more distasteful. When the knock came at his door, he shook off drops of water off his hands and swore at the difficulty of shoving wet clawed hands into leather gloves. He wasn't happy to be interrupted and even less happy to see who was at the door. The expression on Loki's face made it worthwhile, though. Loki may have been the god of illusion, but he couldn't completely hide the irritation from his face.
"Did you like my gift, Loki?" Heimdall asked.
"I don't know what point you were trying to make, but it was made."
"No point. I just thought you'd enjoy some reading material."
Loki barely kept an explosion of anger out of his voice. "Heimdall, you should know better then to start a prank war with me."
Heimdall leaned casually against the creaking door frame. "Is that a threat?"
"It's a promise."
&&
Author's Note: Wow! How'd you like it? Most of it was written in a coffee shop and the rest was written under influence of Malice Mizer. I'd like this to be the first of a handful of silly stories in which Heimdell tries to make Loki's life a living hell and Loki retaliates. Incredibly pointless, but with so few Loki fics on the net, we'll take what we can get, right?
You may question why the first letter Loki read (the one he read aloud) had "Mr. Loki" written in it rather then a Japanese suffix as appears in the rest of the story. No real reason; I just liked the way it sounded.
I always appreciate feedback; you can reach me at haruhara_raharu@yahoo.com or at my LJ account kalhara. Thanks for reading!
It had long been Heimdall's driving ambition to kill Loki. In fact, it had been his driving ambition for the last couple hundred years, especially after a certain Turn-of-the-Century party. He had planned for ages thinking of the most painful and humiliating ways to do away with the shape- shifting pest, but all the plans had hinged on one thing---the right time.
Now it looked like the right time would never come.
Stupid Loki had got himself exiled to the human dimension and stuck in an embarrassingly adorable form. Heimdall quickly changed his plans (taking only a few years) then asked Odin for permission to finally do his rival in. It hadn't been that easy, but Heimdall managed to broach the subject in such a way that Odin was convinced it was HIS idea for Heimdall to do the exile in.
Heimdall carefully chose his form as a mockery of Loki's own, then put into motion the graceful events that would culminate in Loki's return of the stolen eye, and begging for forgiveness. Which would not be granted. Instead, Heimdall pictured Loki plunging into deep cold water to die in painful misery.
It hadn't gone precisely as planned. Heimdall had been so wrapped up in the mechanics of causing Loki's death that he had not taken into account Loki himself. The other god had been on Earth much longer, and understood how to use what magic he had to the fullest. And he had sidekicks. Sidekicks, of all things!
So Heimdall failed and Odin (since it HAD been Odin's idea to begin with, you know) decided that a fitting punishment for Heimdall's failure to kill Loki would result in a similar punishment.
So now Heimdall was also in a child's body, and without a clue as to how to return to the divine dimension. He was marginally better off then Loki had been at first, but he didn't see it that way. In his mind, it was Loki's fault that he didn't die the way he was meant to. Loki, who lived in a large mansion, ate well, had some obsessive family member turned domestic, a cute girl, and Thor, a highly useful friend. Where as Heimdall usually lived on instant noodles, had magicked his way into a failing apartment complex, and had to deal with Freyr, a highly useless person as far as roommates went. Not to mention the damn pig.
In short he was miserable, and was even more miserable because Loki appeared not to be suffering. So Heimdall's plans slowly changed---instead of killing Loki in a messy and painful way, he'd make his existance just as miserable as his own.
&&
"Yamino-kun, what is all this?"
"I'm very glad you're home, Loki-sama. All this arrived in the mail today and is addressed to you." Yamino stood waist deep in stacks of boxes, large mailing envelopes, and correspondance. Loki picked up the topmost item on a nearby stack. It was a magazine. Indeed, most of the living room was full of magazines, many wrapped in plastic to create large bundles.
"Basset Hound Weekly," he read off the cover. He opened the attached envelope. "Dear Mr. Loki: Congratulations on your one year subscription of our quality publication! You have received your free gift of six months' back issues totaling twenty-four 200 pg magazines chock full of information and entertainment pertaining to the beloved basset hound dog. Your bill for a one year subscription will arrive in 4-10 days. We look forward to your continued readership."
Loki snatched another envelope. It contained a similar greeting welcoming him to his 1-yr subscription to Sitar Rock Bands. The pattern was repeated for such titles as Toll Painting Guild, Scrimshaw Monthly, Wrought Iron Collecting, Ferret Fancy, Russian Opera Review, Amateur Poets Anonymous, and Aryuvedic Astrology. He looked up at Yamino, who was now separating boxes from magazines. "What IS this?" he asked again.
"I don't know, Loki-sama."
"Did you go on another mail-order spree again?'
"No. This was all addressed to you. I never knew you like Portuguese Masonry."
"I don't. Or, I don't think I do."
"Perhaps you've won a contest."
The doorbell rang and Yamino stepped over the carefully piled magazines. Dreading another delivery, he opened the door.
"Hello, Yamino-san!" the energetic teenager greeted him.
"Ah, hello, Mayura-san. Come inside, but do watch your-----"
THUD! "Ouch!"
"----step."
Mayura looked up from where she lay on the floor. "Wow! What a lot of magazines! I never knew you read this many!" She stood carefully avoiding knocking over anything, then paused halfway up.
"Lolita Radar? Whose is this?"
Yamino snatched the magazine away from the girl's eyes; Loki spoke up.
"We don't know where these came from. Apparently we have been subscribing to dozens of titles without even knowing about it."
"It's a mystery!"
Loki was thoughtful. "Yes, it is." He turned and walked back into the house. "Yamino-kun, I think I'll need some tea."
&&
Fifteen minuets later Loki and Mayura sat around a tea table looking over the greeting notices that had appeared with the magazines and free gifts. There were more then Loki had first expected; nearly thirty magazine subscriptions had arrived in one day, and there was no telling how many more might be on their way. The subject matter ranged from the obscurely mundane (Antique Cola Memorabilia) to the embarrassing (Lolita Radar) to the bewildering (Advanced Economic Theory for Dummies). With Yamino standing nearby ready to refill cups, the two got to work.
At first they had looked for a pattern determining the titles, but the subject matter was vast and seemed to have no connection. Subscription lengths varied, the value of the free gift seemed to have no role in the choosing of the magazine, and a quick glance at the masthead showed no common names between any magazine. Nearly an hour later Loki was convinced that no pattern existed. It was just too random, which may be a clue in itself. . .He fell into contemplation.
Mayura interrupted his thoughts. "It's funny that none of these are magazines that any sane person would want to buy."
"They're very specific. Everyone needs a hobby, I suppose."
"But so many of them! It's would be very troublesome to have to keep track of them all."
Loki sat up then. "Very troublesome, indeed," he repeated. "It's obvious that someone went through a lot of trouble to sign me up for subscriptions to all these magazines. This someone must have a lot of spare time, and really want to cause me trouble." He was standing now, brushing the cake crumbs off his coat.
"Yamino-kun!" he called. A moment later the older man arrived, still holding the tea tray.
"Yes, Loki-sama?"
"We've solved the mystery."
Mayura was ecstatic. "Really? Shall we apprehend them in a darkened street and demand an explanation? If they don't give us one, we shall hand them over to the police for---for public nuisance! We'll be heroes! Yay! Enjaku Detective Agency to the rescue!"
Loki managed to catch the girl mid-breath. "Mayura, Yamino-kun and I are going out for a while. Why don't you go to the police with this?"
"Me? Sure!"
As Mayura gathered up the papers on the tea table Yamino and Loki made a quick exit.
"What exactly is Mayura-san taking to the police?" Yamino asked.
Loki smiled. "Whatever she wants to, I guess."
&&
Washing your roommate's dirty socks in an old kitchen sink wasn't Heimdall's idea of a fun evening. And when said roommate always seemed to be absent come laundry day, the chore was made even more distasteful. When the knock came at his door, he shook off drops of water off his hands and swore at the difficulty of shoving wet clawed hands into leather gloves. He wasn't happy to be interrupted and even less happy to see who was at the door. The expression on Loki's face made it worthwhile, though. Loki may have been the god of illusion, but he couldn't completely hide the irritation from his face.
"Did you like my gift, Loki?" Heimdall asked.
"I don't know what point you were trying to make, but it was made."
"No point. I just thought you'd enjoy some reading material."
Loki barely kept an explosion of anger out of his voice. "Heimdall, you should know better then to start a prank war with me."
Heimdall leaned casually against the creaking door frame. "Is that a threat?"
"It's a promise."
&&
Author's Note: Wow! How'd you like it? Most of it was written in a coffee shop and the rest was written under influence of Malice Mizer. I'd like this to be the first of a handful of silly stories in which Heimdell tries to make Loki's life a living hell and Loki retaliates. Incredibly pointless, but with so few Loki fics on the net, we'll take what we can get, right?
You may question why the first letter Loki read (the one he read aloud) had "Mr. Loki" written in it rather then a Japanese suffix as appears in the rest of the story. No real reason; I just liked the way it sounded.
I always appreciate feedback; you can reach me at haruhara_raharu@yahoo.com or at my LJ account kalhara. Thanks for reading!