One of Those Days (PG)
It was one of those days where nothing seemed to please her and Chakotay was sick of it. He was tired of being the one who everyone expected him to "fix it." It was already one hell of a day and it was getting worse by the minute.
It affected everything. It created the pulse of the ship – her mood! She'd practically thrown her food back at Neelix in the mess hall and on the way out she dressed down an ensign for an unauthorized adornment on her uniform. When she came onto the bridge and instantly called for reports in that tone she sometimes got. Harry jumped to attention and almost let a "Yes, Ma'am slip out. Then she spun around and set her sights on Tom. "What are you looking at Lt. Paris? Wouldn't your eyes be put to better use watching your instruments and possibly figuring out why we seem to be traveling at impulse power rather than the warp five I ordered in hopes of getting away from this god forsaken planet?"
Tom turned in his chair and much to Chakotay chagrin he smirked and answered "Yes, Ma'am." He braced himself as she made her way passed him and settled into her seat.
"Do you have any idea why we cannot go to warp?"
Copying her formal speech pattern he answered, "No, Captain, I do not." He knew this wasn't the answer she wanted so he quickly added, "I spoke to B'Ellana and she is running a level one diagnostic." He snuck a quick peek and confirmed that she looked ready to explode. "Seven is assisting her."
"If I wanted to know where Seven was I would ask!" She held up her hand to cut off his reply and punched a button on her console. "What is going on down there? Why can't my ship go to warp?"
Chakotay listened as his chief engineer explained that some of the bio-neural circuitry burned out and they were attempting to fix the relays but one short seemed to lead…
That was all he heard because Kathryn slammed her hand down cutting off the communication. She jumped out of her chair and stomped toward the turbo lift muttering as she went, "Am I the only one on this blasted ship who can fix things?"
He'd seen her in bad moods throughout the course of the years but this was beyond reason. As he sat in his seat in the middle of the bridge he felt the crew's eyes upon him yet again: Harry wondering what the young man had done to make her mad; Tuvok seeking a rational reason for her irrational behavior and Tom wanting him to make it right, but he couldn't. He had no answers. The distance between them seemed to grow daily since she returned from Quarra. If they were as close as they were a few years ago he'd just grab her and hold her until she cried her anger out. Better yet, if she was his, he would grab her, throw her on the floor and let her channel her anger into a more intimate and pleasing outlet - but she wasn't - so he couldn't. His thoughts were interrupted by a message from B'Ellanna on his console. Apparently the Captain stormed into engineering, grabbed a tool kit and set off into the bowels of the ship to make repairs complaining as she went. His chief engineer was not happy. If he allowed this situation to erupt it would be an interesting encounter he mused, a pregnant Klingon and a captain with her Irish up. Chakotay left the bridge to speak to B'Ellanna in private. He returned a few moments later and announced to the bridge crew that the Captain would be spending the remainder of alpha shift working in engineering. He would pay dearly for foisting her bad mood on B'Ellanna but at least there'd be peace on the bridge.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several hours passed since the Captain had commandeered the tools and set out to work. The alpha shifted ended a while ago but B'Ellanna remained in engineering waiting for her to finish. She wasn't willing to subject the night shift to an angry captain but Chakotay was definitely going to pay for this. She was hungry, tired and her feet were killing her! Finally she decided to find the Captain and convince her to stop for the night.
B'Ellanna headed into the secluded area where she knew the captain was working. When she got closer she followed the sounds of mumbling and banging tools. Before she turned down the final corridor she heard a violent curse and metal banging against the wall. It was clear the Captain's mood hadn't improved. Well neither had hers! She wanted to go home and put her feet up even if it meant a good old-fashioned argument. B'Ellanna starting gearing up for the confrontation but then she heard a loud sob. Her first thought was that the Captain was hurt but then she rounded the corner and saw her. She was sitting with her back against the wall and her head buried in her hands as they rested on her knees. Her shoulders were rising and falling in rhythm with her crying. B"Ellanna started to rush forward but she knew the Captain would be embarrassed. She needed to give her the opportunity to salvage her pride. "Captain, are you hurt?"
Kathryn's head whipped up in surprise. She stared at her chief engineer in shock. She was so surprised that she couldn't even lie. When she could finally speak she said, "No, lieutenant I'm not hurt."
"Good cause in my condition I don't think I could carry you to sick bay." The captain's face softened. "Do you mind if I join you on the floor? My feet are in agony. Being pregnant isn't as fun as it looks." Kathryn watched as B'Ellanna slid down the wall and settled next to her. Both women closed their eyes and tried to relax.
"How did you do it? How did you get over it so quickly? I am just so angry at what they did to me and what it made me do that I feel like punching someone!"
"Add that feeling to being Klingon and raging pregnancy hormones and you can imagine how I felt. I didn't want to punch someone. I wanted to kill someone!"B'Ellanna replied.
"How did you get over it?"
"Tom." B'Ellanna couldn't help smiling when she thought of his patience and gentle loving. "Every night he would hold me and make me feel safe and loved and then the anger didn't matter anymore."
Kathryn shook her head. "I don't have that option."
B'Ellanna turned and looked her captain, the woman everyone perceived as a strong domineering leader, and for the first time in a long time she saw a vulnerable woman who desperately needed to allow herself to be loved, "Yes, you do." She continued on before the Captain could argue. "I need your help getting up because if I don't get to a bathroom right now there could be trouble."
~~~~~~~~~~
B'Ellana stopped at Chakotay's office before going to meet Tom. "I just left her a few minutes ago."
"Any better?"
"I think so."
"I owe you, B'Ellanna."
"You can pay me back by not being a fool."
"What?"
"She needs you, Chakotay. Without Tom I would never have gotten over what happened on Quarra. So when she comes to you put your male ego and pride away. Forget about Jaffen and just love her cause that's the only thing that can fix this." She leaned over and hugged her dear friend. "Now I am going home to my husband and if I am lucky a nice foot massage."
Chakotay smiled. "I think you already are pretty lucky."
"Yeah, me too."
~~~~~~~~~~
"Come"
Kathryn slowly walked into his office. She was filled with trepidation but she needed to do something and B'Ellanna was right. He was the only one who could help her. "Hi."
"Hi, yourself." He came out from behind his desk. Chakotay took her hand in his. "I missed you on the bridge today."
Kathryn almost snorted as she laughed. "No, you didn't. With the mood I was in you were all glad I was gone." She held onto his hand, soaking in the strength that came just from being near him.
"I always miss you when you're gone."
His words were the last straw. After everything she'd put him through he still cared for her. She pulled on his hand, walked into his chest and started to cry.
Without a second thought he wrapped her in his arms and held on tightly. In that moment nothing else mattered. The distance that had separated them melted away and all he wanted was hold her like this forever.
When she seemed to be finished he led her to the corner and sat her on the little couch. He got some tea and tissues and joined her. He put his arm around her and shifted his weight back and forth until she settled herself against him. He would be content to sit there in silence holding her forever but he knew she needed to talk about what was bothering her. "Feeling better?" He heard her start to sniffle like she was going to cry again. He turned sideways to face her. "Kathryn, what is it?"
She threw her arms around him. "Chakotay, I am so sorry."
He pulled back so she could see his eyes and know the truth. "Hey, you have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing!"
"Yes. Yes, I do."
"Kathryn, they wiped your memories. Anything you did down there you thought it was genuine. There is nothing to apologize for."
She slid her hands down his arms until she was holding both of her hands in hers. "No, I do. I need to apologize for never really forgiving you for Riley."
That may have been the last name Chakotay expected to hear but before he could say anything she continued on. "When you- ahm- when you -
"…slept with her."
"Yes, slept with her, in my mind I forgave you but in my heart I never really did. Deep inside I thought you should've been able to resist despite the mind control. I felt like if you cared enough about me you wouldn't have done it. From that point on I started to resent you just. That was when I started to pull away and every day we seemed to move further and further apart from each other. Every now and then we would start to find our way back but then I would remember the hurt I felt when I knew you were with another woman and I shut myself off." The tears were falling as she rambled on. "Then I did the exact same thing. Hell, I moved in with him. Chakotay, I'm so sorry. I feel like I betrayed you, like I should have known who I was – who we were - I should have resisted him but I didn't and I'm so sorry."
Chakotay let go of her hands and raised them to her face. Slowly he drew her face toward his until his lips barely touched hers. "We're good." He leaned in and kissed her again, a little longer and a little stronger this time. "You don't have to apologize. Do you understand?" He pulled away from her face and pressed his lips to her neck then whispered in her ear. "There is nothing to forgive. You are mine and I am yours." Once again he slowly approached her lips, "Always!" She rose up to meet him in a kiss that was only the beginning of a very fulfilling night spent on an office couch.