Hey everybody! This is my first MIB fanfic and I just wanted to thank everyone at the MIB Message Board for reading and reviewing before I posted it here- your advice and applause is much appreciated! Thank you!
Oh, and all MIB characters belong to Warner Brothers… the only thing I've got dibs on is the story. *GRIN*
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The Big Countdown Syndrome
"Hey, Cowboy. The party's inside," Agent Elle said as she walked out onto the balcony. She shivered in the night air and folded her arms across her chest tightly, trying to ignore the negative temperature and blinking through thousands of falling snowflakes. The elegant, black evening dress she had donned for the celebration was definitely not sufficient weather gear.
"Humans throw parties for everything," her partner, Agent X, scoffed. "It hasn't even been a week since the last one."
Elle shrugged and stood beside him, leaning lightly on the cold, metal railing. "A lot of important things happen in December," she said.
They stared down at the street, which was several stories below and glowing brightly with electric lights and candles. A crowd of people, so many that they blended into one lively mass of molecules from the balcony, had been standing down there for hours. The bitter iciness of the night didn't seem to bother them as they sang out-of-tune carols, downed glass after bubbly glass of ale, and found all sorts of ways to make noise.
Elle leaned against his side subtly, happy to find some warmth. He shot her a suspicious glance but she wasn't looking at him. "New Year's Eve is one of the biggest nights on Earth and maybe the biggest in New York City," she explained. "Midnight is only forty minutes away and then you'll see why everyone is so jazzed up."
"Jay already filled me in. Apparently, to prove you can count, everyone shouts out numbers in reverse order from ten to one as a large sphere slides down a stick, which ignites explosive materials and causes everyone to act psychotic for the rest of the night. And why? Because another year in your short lives has irreversibly come and gone. Humans. Are. Lunatics."
Elle pulled away from him, the physical coldness returning even as her mood turned frosty. "You just have to criticize everything, don't you?" She pursed her lips, narrowed her brows, and shifted her weight to one leg.
"Uh-oh. The patented look of irritation," X mused with a smug smile.
"I'm going back inside," she huffed, swirls of breath curling through the air. She turned to the sliding glass door and reached for the handle. She tugged at the haft but it didn't budge. She tugged again but it still held fast.
"Having trouble?" X asked cynically. "I thought the concept of opening a door was a relatively simple one, but I guess-"
"-It's stuck, you jerk."
"Locked or frozen shut?"
"I don't know," Elle replied shortly, still bristling.
"Pull harder."
"I'm trying."
X shook his head. Weak humans. He popped his knuckles and reached for the door. "All it takes is one good heave," he said with his usual cockiness and pulled back with a force that should have broken the handle. He stared down at the hilt, giving it a few meaningless shakes, and turned back to Elle. "It won't open."
She lowered her lids and sighed. "I can see that, X. Thank you for shedding light on the obvious."
X returned his attention to the glass and pounded his fists on it loudly. A couple of agents looked back, hardly interested, and went back to their conversations. A large crowd had gathered around Zed and they managed to tune out the noise that X was causing. He glanced at Elle and frowned.
"With ears so painfully miniscule it's no wonder they can't hear us," he said.
Elle shivered and peered in at the party. She could see her thick, wool coat hanging over the back of her chair. She hadn't expected to be outside for more than a moment or she would have worn it. Always expect the unexpected. Why did her mother's words always come back after she could have used them?
When her teeth began chattering X reluctantly shrugged off his dinner jacket and wrapped it around her shoulders. She stared at him, confused.
"It's under twenty degrees. Why aren't you cold?" she asked. The coat was vastly oversized but did offer the warmth she needed.
X pulled at the stretchy, tan skin of his neck. "Winter season model," he explained. "This human suit comes with extra insulation. That, combined with my natural salubrity, comes in quite handy for our present situation."
"Lucky you."
"Lucky me."
Elle glanced once more at the MIB party scene before leaning over the balcony again. She could see several large film screens being set up on the street. They would be broadcasting images of New York City, letting celebrators on the street below see what participants on other blocks were doing. Elle smiled thinly. If they couldn't be part of the company gala at least they could watch the city's turnout. The fireworks would be in perfect view from this perch.
"This happens every three hundred and sixty-five days, right?" X asked.
"Yep. Well, three hundred and sixty-six when Leap Year shows its face."
"Leap Year," he jeered. "You people can't even calculate time into even increments! If this happens so often what's the appeal? I mean if you've seen it once, you've seen it a hundred times..."
"Bringing in the New Year is like... a form of renewal," she said, trying to make the essence of the holiday more understandable. "Starting over. Erasing past mistakes."
"You can't erase the past."
"Okay, but you can plan for the future. Make sure you don't repeat the past."
"You can't do that everyday?"
Elle grit her teeth. "You're not getting this. It's a tradition. You write down all of the things you did wrong or didn't do that should have been done in the last year and all of the things that you still want to do. And then you make an oath to complete all of the things on the list by next New Year's Eve."
"You do that?"
"Yeah. Everybody does it. I just finished my final draft this morning."
"And you cross off every line of the list?"
"Well, not all of them, but most... Nobody gets them all."
"Then what's the point of promising to do something when you know you won't actually get around to it? It's hypocritical and a waste of time," X said, crossing his arms and giving her a challenging stare.
Elle stared back, equally steady but clearly tired with the argument. She pulled the thin jacket closer to her skin and walked to the other end of the small balcony, leaning against the glass door again.
They squirmed in the moments of silence that followed. X watched the other agents, warm and happy indoors, talking and laughing together. Even Kay seemed to be having a good time, a thin smile etched in his stony features and a glass of some spirited drink in his hand. Elle stared at her feet, defiantly avoiding any and all eye contact with her partner. Growing anxious, X shifted uncomfortably in his place at the railing and sighed. He slid away from the banister and walked toward the glass, leaning against it to peer in at the party scene.
"I find it surprising that nobody's come out here yet. They just stand there and wave," he said with a smirk. "Makes me feel so wanted."
"It's only been fifteen minutes. I'm sure someone will come out to get us when the countdown starts," Elle said, still studying her shoes.
"Don't bet on it. They're all looking a bit tipsy, if you ask me. Have you ever seen Zed soused?" he asked her. Elle tried to hide a grin and shook her head. "I don't think anyone else has either," he continued, "because they're all taking advantage of the moment. I doubt our missing the countdown is really weighing heavily on their minds."
"Well, thanks to you I couldn't care less about New Year's. The only thing I'm concerned with right now is finding a heater," she said, a growl tingeing her voice.
X grinned down at her. "I'd give you my shirt, too, but that might look a little weird to the drunks. They could leave us out here all night thinking we're having a good ol' time."
Elle's face reddened at the words but he couldn't be sure if she was glowing or glowering. He decided to change the subject. "So what did you include on that list?"
She glanced up sharply, weary of his question. "That's private."
"Really? If it's so 'private' why'd you tell me about it in the first place?"
She put her hands on her hips and shot him a sullen expression. "I was going to share them with you- and then you made the entire idea sound childish."
"It is childish. But we don't have anything else to do. What's the first one?"
"I'm not telling you. You'll only say something to make me angrier."
"I'll tell you one of mine."
She eyed him skeptically. "Yeah, right. After discounting the entire foundation of New Year's, you suddenly have a couple of resolutions to make."
"I've come up with a few since we've been standing here. Come on, you first."
Still not feeling completely at ease, she sighed and pulled a folded piece of paper from her purse. Moonlight illuminated the list, making every line visible from the back of the paper. X glanced at it and laughed.
"You brought your purse but not a coat? And I can't believe you thought of that many things to write down. I bet there's over a hundred guidelines there," he said.
"A lady never goes anywhere without her purse. Do you want to hear it or not?"
"Yeah, fine."
Elle cleared her throat and avoided his gaze as she read the first line. "'I will not fight with my partner over pointless addendums and trivial information.'" Expecting to hear a noisy response, but receiving none, she looked up. He smiled back at her, a satisfied look gracing his features.
"Now see how useful these lists are?" he asked sarcastically. "I think we've already killed number one with all of our arguing out here."
"Not midnight, yet," Elle said, tapping her watch. "I can yell at you as much as I want for ... twenty-two minutes. Give or take a couple seconds." She smiled. "Now it's your turn."
X pulled at his tie, loosening it a bit, and looked out over the sparkling city. "Okay. My first resolution. I will not find myself stranded on a balcony next December thirty-first with a seriously disturbed agent-"
"-I think you're missing the point-"
"-Instead, I hope that by then she will be mentally stable and that we can get along well enough not to cause a scene at the New Year's Eve party." Without waiting for a response, he pressed on. "What's the next one?"
Elle looked back down at her list and laughed. "'I will not buy Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream for a month and will keep the refrigerator stocked with carrots and celery.'"
X snickered slyly. "You've made this way too easy. Resolution number two... While she is pretending to diet, I will taunt my partner with all of the revoltingly sweet deserts she'll crave as she gnaws forlornly on her carrots and celery."
"I'm not reading any more of my personal health goals. They make overly tempting targets," she said. "Can I borrow your pen?" She scratched a few lines off the sheet and turned the paper over. She began writing a new list, using the window's smooth surface.
"We're at number three," X reminded her.
Elle shook her head. "You go first this time," she said.
"Okay... Number three... I won't step on Orion anymore. Well, at least, not as much. Not on purpose."
"He'll be thrilled," she said blandly, still writing on the paper. She turned it over after a moment and read the fourth line quickly. "'I will learn the basics of the Jee'Dangian language.'"
"What? Why, so you can insult me in my own tongue?" he said, an artificially expressive brow raised high.
"No, I think I do a fine job of insulting you in English. Why change what works so well?" She smirked at him pleasantly. "I don't know. You speak my language, why shouldn't I speak yours?"
"Like you said, why change something that already works so well? But, if you're serious, I guess I could give you a few lessons... here and there."
"Uh-huh. And how do I know your Jee'Dangian grammar is up to par?"
"You don't. Consider this the first of many risks you'll be taking in the upcoming year."
"Your turn again."
X squinted his eyes, mulling over several items. "Considering how naturally squeamish you humans tend to be, I'll try to keep my driving speed a little lower. You know, for the sake of the upholstery."
"It's not just the speed. On Earth we have these things called 'lanes.' You're supposed to stay within them."
"You have no sense of adventure."
"Four. 'I will talk Zed into giving me a paid, two-week vacation to the Philippines.'"
"Trust me. It's not going to happen. You might want to scratch that one off your list, too."
"I convinced him to give me Field Agent status, didn't I?"
"Yeah, and it only took three years! And haven't you just been enjoying every minute of it?" he asked, his voice heavy with sarcasm. Elle frowned and crossed her arms. X continued, "If you really want a break we should go back to my planet. There's always something big going down. We could get Zed to let us go there on an investigation."
"The point of a vacation is to get away from work."
"See, we leave all the actual work to the local law enforcement. Step in every now and then to appear busy. The rest of the time we spend at resorts."
"Sounds nice. Except that everyone there will be replicas of you. I don't want to spend half a month listening to an entire population insult my species."
"You won't hear a thing. They'll only insult you behind your back. Come on, write it down. 'I will vacation on X's planet and shrug my duties to the MIB for two weeks.'"
"Well, I'll think about," Elle said, mirroring her partner's earlier cynicism.
"Number five, right? I can't think of any more. I'm already so close to perfection," X told her. "How did you come up with an entire list?"
"I don't know. I guess-"
She was cut off abruptly as X leapt at the door, banging a fist against it. "Let us in!" Agent U was standing not two feet away on the other side of the glass. He smiled and raised his glass to them.
"Happy New Year!" he shouted, more bubbly than his drink.
"Wonderful," Elle sighed. "The person who finally notices us is even more inept than Jay."
"LET! US! IN!" X yelled again.
"Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!" U answered back, hiccuping on the last few words.
"What?! What is he talking about?" X sputtered.
"On any other day he'd be referring to a human nursery rhyme. But tonight, I don't think even he knows what he's talking about."
"I've got my fifth resolution, Elle. When we get back inside I'm going to kill Agent U."
~Fin~