A/N: Hey!!! Well after some editing here it is the story again ^^. Also special thanks to ''Nonexistenz'' for helping me with the mistakes. There could still be some that I can't quite identify, so I'd appreciate it if you informed me of those annoying grammar mistakes =D so, enjoy you all!!!
By the way… Yue, if you ever read this I'm so dead…….
Sasuke
I don't know how to start… maybe I should say I'm sorry first; it was never my intention to ruin our friendship, but my heart was so stubborn and wouldn't listen to me; wouldn't suppress the feelings when you touched me, it wanted one thing, and that was you.
And in order for you to fully understand me and what I want to tell you, you need to listen to everything and from the beginning.
We became friends quickly. The first time I saw you I knew you were different; at least to me, and it seemed we would really get along and understand each other somehow... Sai, Shikamaru, Gaara, Neji. We became closer each day, and it was so cool. I thought I had the best friends anyone could ask for. And it released something inside me that I thought was buried deep within me…
It was sometime ago I wished I could; you know... do different things and that's about the time I started to want to be a girl. You may think 'silly Naruto for thinking that' but maybe you felt it too, though you wouldn't admit it. Wishing that was damn tough, I mean, everybody would say things about me; my parents would kill me if I told them. So I just kept asking myself the reason I was born male, I did a lot of thinking, I talked to a lot of friends and relayed on my sister Naruko. After some time I realized I liked my life as a man, it's not like there was another option anyway.
But you, I don't know what you did to me, maybe the fact that you started to understand me way too much, cuz I don't fall for boys I swear! I normally don't look at them like this… But I had Hinata then, so I just tried to stifle the tingles with her, hiding my thoughts on her. But our relationship soon died. It's like if she could feel my hesitation, though she never noticed exactly what kind of hesitation. I'm sorry for her cuz I know we could have worked it out, but in the end I know myself, and if my heart wants something, it'll do anything to get it…
And one day, thinking about how much I had wanted to be a girl I decided that being a girl involved liking boys didn't it? So it was the same if I just had a boyfriend in this body, yes I know I think too much and its bad for my own good, but that's how I noticed something beating in my head, a constant thought of you. At first I told myself to just ignore it, and when it wouldn't listen to me and would keep growing I tried to convince myself it was friends love… but not even I'm that dumb.
So, since that day I started to see you with other eyes, and realized it was not just admiration I felt for you and all you did but love. I found myself putting more attention than necessary to every move you made, every word you said and people you talked to. I don't know if you noticed my sudden change. I really hope you didn't cuz I would have been scared if I were you.
Days passed by and I felt like I just started to look at you for the first time, to really look at you. But it was weird for me to have feelings for you, cuz I was afraid if I said something inappropriate people would get nosy, or if I touched you longer than necessary, if someone caught me watching you when I thought you weren't looking I wouldn't know what to do then, I wasn't ready to let you know yet. Still I can't tell when exactly I decided I liked you more than a friend. I even watched some gay movies to make sure it was not just a lot of friendship… it wasn't.
My mind was in denial at first. That could not happen to me. Everything in my life had been normal so far. Maybe it was destiny that I met you, cuz I only feel this way for you. It's not like I go drooling all over random guys. Sasuke, I like you… I went through a lot to finally realize that. And I'm sure I do cuz it's different to how I feel towards Neji or Hinata at that. They're friends, and I know I can laugh and spend a really good time with them, but it's not like the time I spend with. And to think that maybe you do it as a friendly manner…
And I suffered cuz you said gays were disgusting; that you liked girls, you couldn't live without them and worst was that you said those things mostly to me, I even thought you were doing it on purpose. And you being so irresistible didn't make it any easier, girls flirted with you every second, and you didn't even notice it, or maybe you did but didn't care... oh god my head was a massive turmoil then. Although I had this uncertainness I decided to tell you, you deserved to know you were the cause of my sleepless nights, of my spontaneous sighs of the love messages I oh so suddenly wrote, of the tears that would come out at times. But as if on cue a lot of girls started to appear on your life, and to my dismay you hesitated to reject them, even liked the attention and it pissed me off, cuz you could choose, and of course you wouldn't even consider me as an option. So I didn't tell you at the end.
The problems with the girls were dissipating and I started to have the thought to confess popping up in my mind again, but fate must have been mad at me cuz you started to have things going on with Ino. You had a lot on your mind then; you were frustrated, you wanted to scream and kill someone. I know cuz I could read it in your eyes; it was too much for you, the only girl you liked but couldn't have only god knows why. So I couldn't tell you then either. It would be cruel from me to confess and not only would you have lost your crush but a friend, too.
Watching you suffering made me really angry. Cuz you're not the kind to be begging. And thinking that phenomenon was the exception to the rule; that some random blond girl could go beyond the Uchiha pride, it just made me angry, and jealous. At that time when you would come to me and ask for help or advice, I could only talk like a friend. I had to study my every word so I didn't tell something inappropriate, so I didn't let my feelings for you ruin your situation. And Ino would come to me and talk like if nothing had happened, I hated her that moment and Kankuro too, cuz those losers made your life impossible. I mean didn't they noticed they were going too far? And what was with this girl Ino anyway? Didn't she know that when Sasuke is drooling for you, you do not make questions but say 'thanks god'? I really wanted to kill her for rejecting you and making you sad. Maybe you didn't show it to her or other people, but I was close enough to see you drifting on thought, to see your mood change whenever she was around. She wasn't even worth it, the poor girl could barely spell her name, and still you liked her and her antics. She was a complete bitch, uuugh! I was so tempted to just steal a kiss from you at the time, tell you everything would be just fine and hold you in my arms, tell you she was an idiot cuz I would give everything to have half what she got. Though that would have been weird, you needed a friend, you needed someone to distract you from your suffering, you needed someone to be beside you every time you had to lie about your mood, and you didn't need a lover, a gay lover at that.
But then, coming one day to hang out with the boys half decided to confess, you told me you had a girlfriend, just like that, you didn't even let me say hi you just spit it out and smiled like if it was great news. And what did I do? I smiled and patted your shoulder, saying that was the spirit and that you could do it and stuff, but my heart was so broken.
The name was Sakura, right like that made it any better. How could you? I know you were sad and lone and didn't want Ino to take the best of you but you didn't even like her enough! All the time we had been friends you had told me you had to really like someone to be your girlfriend. And what was that then, a desperate try to get over Ino? Please… however I couldn't blame you for my suffering cuz you didn't know about my feelings, and to my dismay my disguise was too effective, making you think it was good news. And I know, even if you had known about my crush you wouldn't have done it on purpose. You're not mean.
How ironic, Hinata telling me I was queer for not having another girlfriend after her and you defending me, saying I was not. But I never said anything cuz I feared your rejection, and now that I'm finally saying all this it wouldn't hurt to let you know something more. If you recall right I never ever said I was straight, I had girlfriends, I said they were hot and teased you with your girls but never denied it when someone would joke about me being gay. Course I just laughed and everybody took it as a 'no'. And if you ask me why I didn't tell you earlier... I would tell you I was paralyzed; torn between longing your love and fearing your disgust. You would stop talking to me; you would feel uncomfortable around me, and our group would be divided, the trust we had would be screwed, and what would be left of me when you had long gone?
And the thought of being your boyfriend it's not worth losing the opportunity to be close to you, to laugh with you, to hear your secrets, to be the person your trust your secrets on. I could risk everything if that meant I could have a chance, but who says I have one? Less with the great Sasuke Uchiha that everyone would like to call their own… worst is you don't realize that, you think they like you cuz you're handsome, but if you could just have a mirror that showed your inside, you would be surprised to find a very comprehensive friend, intelligent, believer, a fighter.
Then again, I can say with all the pride that's left of me that I have that mirror, and I see all that you are, I can see things not even you know about yourself, I can see flaws and stupidity, and still I want you, to kiss you and call you my own. But I can't, and will not. Cuz being realistic… I can't give you what you need; I can't be the sexy girl you long for. How can I be secure with myself, where do I get the confidence to confess when you don't see guys that way? In a strange way you made me feel butterflies in my stomach; I know that's cliché but its true. Chills every time I look at you; and after watching your lips so soft, your dark hair and your bright smile I can't help it but feel like shit. Cuz even if I'm close to you, I'm farther than ever, the more I know you and your story I feel worse cuz I realize I don't fit in your life. These thoughts make me sad, very sad, though I try to hide it with a smile you always notice, and ask me what's wrong, haha like if I could tell you. I hide my suffering behind a bubbly disguise, I put on my animated face and everyone buys it.
I don't even know why I decided to tell you this way. You may think its coward of me to write it down. Maybe I'm just desperate to cry my heart out.
I've told you I love you already. I've told you how I found out about my feelings. You know everything, now, that went through my mind I guess the real purpose of all this is for you to know that you make me wish I was a girl, to have what you like. Sorry, I can't, and will never be a girl, I would give everything for that but it just wouldn't happen even if I tried with all my strength…. So, there's only one thing left to do.
Goodbye Sasuke
A/N: it's me again =) just to tell you all something people have been asking me… there could be a second part, I'm actually thinking about a second part, though it may not be Sasuke's answer letter, :D hehe my mind is making a lot of crazy storylines right now.