A/N: I very scarcely write angst or drama, but after last night's episodes, I really needed to get this off of my chest. Please keep in mind that I did not dislike last night's episodes, but they still made me sad. (For both Dr. Cox and JD) But this was screaming at me to be written, so I did. And no, this isn't slash. Just my take on what may be some of JD's thoughts as to what's been going down between him and his mentor.

Disclaimer: I own a very large nothing.

My Confusion

I don't get it.

Since day one, I have always, always tried to please him. I followed him all over the place, and okay, maybe that just served to further his annoyance with me, but I was trying to learn from him; trying to be him, and whenever he demeaned me or insulted me, I would turn the other cheek and follow. Whenever he would shout my name (okay, more like some random girls' name) or whistle in that ear piercing way he does, I would always be there.

Even five years later, when I had finally become an attending, I was there. Sure, it wasn't exactly student and teacher any more, but he was still a mentor to me, and I thought, despite his never wanting to admit it, I was still, in a way, his student; even if I had made it into my own as a doctor. (Something I am still very proud of, by the way) But he helped me get to that point, and for that I would always be grateful.

I still am.

Then, of course, there were those patients; those three patients that tore through his soul and had him in the worst state I had ever seen him in.

And again, I was there.

Not at first, and for that I blame only myself, but I came to my senses and did my best to pull him out of his slump. And I did. And no, I don't want a medal, and no, I didn't really expect us to become "Best Friends Forever," because of it, but I still thought it was something. Some sort of step that brought us to an understanding of one another; that took our relationship above mentor and protégé to a more doctor to doctor, friend to friend, colleague to colleague, type of deal.

Just something.

But his tolerance towards me only lasted for a while, and then, to my astonishment, it actually seemed like he started to dislike me even more. I mean, I know I'm not his favorite person in the hospital, but I thought he still sort of, you know…cared? Trusted me to some extent? But his determination to kick me out of the role as Godfather diminished that to its full extent.

Well, at least for a while, but I'm an optimistic person, so I soon went back to believing he cared about me.

And I was right, too! Sure, he never really expressed it, but that's normal for him. I could tell he cared though when he lectured me about being a father, and when he admitted that what Kim did was horrible. I could tell he cared when he went to pick up Sammy from day care without me even asking, even if he did just use it as a joke against me.

I could tell he cared, and it made me really, really happy.

So what's happening now? What's going on?

I thought this year was going to be amazing. I mean, I was right to an extent, wasn't I? Elliot and I are dating again, and it's going great. My interns are a pain, but I can see potential in at least a few of them. My patients are all nice people (though that admittedly tends to make the job harder) and Dr. Cox became the Chief of Medicine! Yay!

Or so I thought, anyway.

I wasn't surprised to see my name on the, "Never Ever, Ever" list. That's typical Dr. Cox, and I'm cool with it. What I was surprised to see, or rather, hear, was the words that left his mouth in an angry frenzy, just because I uttered the phrase, "We're cool." I wasn't implying that he didn't know the patients came first. I wasn't. Or at least, I hadn't meant to. But his words came at me like knives, and despite the years of insults and rants and girls' names, I had never heard him sound so bitter when he called me an arrogant, pretentious, self righteous little jackass.

I was hurt, but I chalked it up to the stress of the job, and when Kelso told me, "He's going to hate you," I honestly, honestly didn't believe him. Would he get mad at me? Yes. Was I scared to demand something of him? Yes. But hate? Did I really think he would hate me? No. I didn't. But then, in the parking lot…

"Go to hell."

And he drove away. Not a trace of remorse or guilt to be seen.

It was admittedly foolish of me to think he was serious the next day about the get away vacation. C'mon…Dr. Cox inviting me to a lake side cabin? And a tire swing? Alright, so I'm an idiot, but I was just so desperate to hear some sort of apology; anything that would indicate that he didn't actually hate me.

And then, of course, there was Jack echoing his father words; calling my son ugly… I wasn't mad at Jack, of course. It wasn't his fault. And the words Perry had told him to repeat weren't even what stung. But as I looked at my son who was named after the same person who just called him ugly, well…that stung. That stung a lot.

But I still put all of these thoughts under, "The stress of the new job."

But then, the same damn person who set me up to be hated is now, "Like brothers," with him…? The same person Dr. Cox has claimed to hate for years? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad their relationship is turning a new leaf, but…how is it that I've worked my ass off for approval for eight long years, always showing up when he calls, but someone whose enraged him since before I even got here has suddenly made it into the ranks as one of Perry Cox's friends?

I don't get it. I don't.

Just weeks ago he was talking to me like an equal. What happened? What did I do wrong? If anything, I thought I've matured this year. Isn't that the kind of thing he's always wanted from me? Wouldn't that make him happy?

But nothing I do ever seems to make him happy.

Elliot tells me it's not stress worthy; that we're adults now and not little interns who need the big bad attendee to approve of us. I understand where she's coming from, but her relationship with Perry has been rocky since day one, so to her, it's just usual Dr. Cox being usual Dr. Cox.

Carla tells me not to worry; that, since getting the job, he's even gotten mad at her. But I'm not buying it.

Turk just calls him a jackass and that's pretty much the end of it. I get it, and I'm glad he's sticking up for me, but I wish he would be willing to discuss it more. After all, even if he isn't friends with Perry, he understands him on some level, what with the "competitive" stuff they do. Maybe he could give me some insight that I'm just not seeing, but he doesn't, so I don't ask any more questions.

I don't know what to do next. How to go about pleasing him. I tried standing up for myself in the cafeteria, but the minute Carla said, "He needs our help," I fell right back in.

For so long I've wanted his approval. For so long I've wanted just one damn hug. Now I'm just hoping to be liked, and even that looks slim.

But I'm a Dorian, and Dorian's are trusting. I can only hope that he'll come around and see me for who I am: Someone who cares about him, despite his bull crap. And maybe, one day, he'll care about me too.

A/N: I hadn't planned on posting anything before the story I'm currently working on, but as I stated in the above, this was begging me to write it down, so I did. I'm sorry for the random angsty-ness. I can assure you though that this won't be a daily thing. And I really hope this didn't come off as "Anti-Dr. Cox." It isn't; at all. I felt terrible for Perry last night as well, and definitely wouldn't go about bashing him (nor do I think that Dr. Cox honestly hates JD) but I still felt bad for JD too. I'm not even sure if I'm going to keep this up, as it is much moodier than I am used to, but I thought I'd at least share. Anyway, hope you enjoyed it despite its rather moody theme.