I just had this weird thought go through my head and I couldn't help but share it with you guys! So I give to you this one-shot!
Yes I know I should be updating my other stories but I suffer from a severe case of laziness and writer's block.
"Hey Harry and Molly," Sheogorath yelled. The Daedric prince had a huge grin on his face as he walked up to the Lord of the hunt and the Lord of Domination.
"Who's Harry?" Hircine asked confused.
The Mad god gave him an even wider smile.
"You, you silly wolf boy!" Sheogorath said.
The father of werewolves raised a brow from underneath his deer skull. Hircine wasn't about to question why the Mad god gave him this strange nickname, but how did he connect Harry with Hircine?
Molag Bal only gave Sheogorath a snarl and crossed his arms.
"What's wrong Molly?" The Mad god asked.
"Don't call me Molly!" The father of vampires snapped. "I've told you millions of times!"
The Prince of Madness brushed the outburst off. The Mad god lifted his arms to reveal a movie in his hands.
"What is 'Twilight?" Hircine asked reading the name off the cover.
"It's a movie about mortals, vampires and werewolves. I watched it last night and thought you two should see it!" Sheogorath stated, he shoved the case into Molag Bal's hands and stood back. "Well I have to go to this class thing now, ta-ta!" He then disappear in a cloud of purple smoke.
Molag looked down at the case.
"I have a TV we could watch it on," Bal stated.
"Blue ray?" Hircine asked.
"Yes," The Prince of Domination answered.
"Fine, but we're having popcorn!" Hircine stated.
The movie was up to the bit in the forest were Edward was going to reveal his secret.
"Come on, drink her blood," Bal stated with a mouth full of popcorn.
When Edward stepped back into the sun and start glowing Hircine spat his popcorn out and started laughing.
Molag Bal's reaction was much different. Bal was quiet for ten seconds and then…
Bal started chocking on his popcorn, he hit his chest trying to get the popcorn down. When he finally stopped chocking he was still in shock.
"So glittery!" Hircine wheezed out from laughter.
"What the fuck?!" Molag Bal yelled. "Why?! How?! Why is he shiny?!" He was flabbergasted by the situation.
Hircine finally calmed down and continued eating popcorn.
"By Talos, that made my week," Hircine stated.
"Sheogorath is so dead," Molag growled.
"You can kill him after the movie," Hircine said, he was liking this movie.
Bal sat back down on the other coach and tried to not kill the TV.
Later on the first werewolf transformation happened, this time it was Molag's time to laugh. Hircine sat there quietly and continued eating. Molag soon felt a whoosh of air past him, before he knew it the TV had a spear through it.
"I don't like this movie anymore," Hircine stated calmly. The Prince of the hunt then shifted in his seat to grab the bucket of popcorn. "By the way, what type of butter did you use in this popcorn?"
Bal was still chuckling from how the werewolves look.
"Let's just say that animals aren't the only ones that make milk," Molag chuckled.
Hircine stopped chewing the popcorn for a brief second, he then shrugged and continued eating.
"Also, why aren't your minions wearing shirts? It does look cold there," Molag joked.
"Why does your minions look like fags and are shiny in the sun?" The father of werewolves snapped.
"Touché.." Bal said.
Mehrunes never understood why these things were made, but he was doing it never the less. When he entered the room he was greeted by the sight of Malacath.
Dagon took a seat and waited for the therapist. A cloud of purple smoke consumed a chair in front of them and when it vanished Sheogorath was sitting there. Malacath sighed as Dagon glare at the mad god.
"Sheogorath? No! You can't be the therapist!" Dagon yelled, he denied the fact that Sheogorath was going to be the person he does therapy with.
"That's Professor Sheogorath to you, Daggy!" The "Professor" stated.
"Fine, Professor," Dagon said venomously.
"See, that wasn't so hard! Now onto the questions!" The Mad god grabbed a pair of gold glasses and put them on, he then clicked his fingers and a clip board with some paper appear on his lap.
Malacath felt that it wasn't about to end well for neither him nor Dagon, and if Sheo took it too far it wouldn't end well for him either.
"First question, why brings you here?" Sheogorath asked.
"Murder," Malacath and Dagon said in union.
"Ah, but who did you murder?" Sheogorath asked in a creepily gleeful voice.
"Some of my orcs," Malacath stated.
"Some of my cultist, but I'm starting to wish it was you," Mehrunes growled.
"No need to be violet," Sheo said. "Why did you do it though?"
"I don't know, why am I in anger management?" Dagon asked sarcastically.
"I don't know, why are you?" The Mad god asked.
Dagon gritted his teeth and clenched his fists.
"That was a sarcastic question," Dagon explained.
"Really? I can never tell when people are, there was this one mortal I met- what was his name? Jared, Luke, Richard- whatever! Now he was sarcastic! Too bad I killed him and skipped with his intestines, but he-"
"Guess ask the next question!" Dagon cut in.
"How rude! I was in the middle of tell a story! What was I saying? Great, now I forgot!" Sheo then looked down at his clip board. "What caused this outburst?"
"Their chieftain was weak," Malacath answered.
"I don't know," Dagon answered, he crossed his four arms over his chest and let out a huff sound.
"Was that sarcastic?" Sheo asked.
"No!" The Prince of Destruction yelled.
"Jess, no need to yell," Sheogorath said while clearing his ears. The Mad god then crossed his legs and looked back and the clip board. "Well, you two need to see a therapist about this."
Dagon nearly flipped out. "That's why I'm here! To see a therapist! Which turns out to be you!"
"Oh yeah, now I remember," Sheogorath stated. "Dagon, did your parents beat you when you were young?"
"What? We're god like beings, we don't have parents!" Dagon roared.
"Calm down, Daggy! I'm just read the question off this page, not my fault the paper doesn't know that!" Sheogorath then held the clip board to his face and stroked it. "Ignore the red troll, he's just jelly of our swag," The Mad god said to the clip board in a babyish tone.
Malacath would usually be as mad as Dagon right know but he was trying to keep out of the argument between the Prince of Madness and the Prince of Destruction.
"What?! What do you mean by 'jelly'?!" Dagon yelled.
"Jelly means jealous," Sheogorath explained.
"I'm not jealous of paper! OR YOUR SWAG!" The four armed Daedra roared.
"I'll be leaving," Malacath stated as he slowly walked backwards to the door.
"Great, now you've gone and scared the child!" The Mad god stated.
Mehrunes then jumped out of his seat and tackled Sheogorath off of his.
"I'll kill you!" Mehrunes yelled, he summoned his war axe and lifted it up. A cloud of purple smoke engulfed Sheogorath, Dagon dropped the axe splitting the smoke and revealing that the Mad god just got away.
Mehrunes Dagon roared in rage and then left to his realm not wanting to be there any longer.
Nocturnal was in one of Sanguine's pocket realms, this one seemed like a place he would hang for peace and quiet. She entered the modern day looking house and saw that Hermaeus Mora was also there.
"What do you want Sanguine?" She asked.
"Please sit down," He asked.
Nocturnal sat at the opposite end of the coach away from Mora.
"What do you want of us, Sanguine?" Mora asked.
Sanguine had a goofy smile and held up a blank movie case.
"What is it?" Nocturnal questioned, she really wanted to get this over with.
"I bought this movie and thought that you too would be the perfect pair of Daedra I wanted to watch it with, it's called 'Tentacle Hentia'," Sanguine answered.
"Why us? Why don't you watch it with Sheogorath, you two seem to love mortal movies, I understand why you want to watch it with Hermaeus, but why me?" Nocturnal asked.
"Sheo's busy with some stuff and seeing that no one else wants to watch it why not you two!" Sanguine explained. "So do you want to watch it or not?"
Mora sighs and Nocturnal shrugged. Sanguine then put the movie in and jumped into the space between them.
When the movie started it was all in Japanese, so they just read the subtitles. Soon the movie became creepy and Nocturnal than realized what she was watching.
Animated porn, tentacle porn.
Mora didn't seem fazed by it and Sanguine had the biggest grin on his face, but Nocturnal couldn't stand it.
"That's it, I'm leaving," She stated getting up.
"What? Why?" Sanguine questioned.
"You're having me watch mortal perversion, I won't stand for it." The Prince of night then teleported out of there.
Sanguine then looked at Mora.
"What do you think about it?" The smaller Daedra asked.
"I think its racist and the logic in how she's surviving this is outrageous," The large Prince answered.
"Whatever," Sanguine said, he then summoned a beer and continued watching it.
Barbas was waiting for his master on a comfy seat. When Clavicus finally came back he was accompanied by a parrot on his shoulder.
"Who's that, master?" The dog asked.
"What? Him, that's just Ginger, I got him from a deal I made with a mortal," Clavicus answered. "He even talks!"
"I sure do!" The parrot squawked.
"See? I love this bird, he doesn't talk too much," Clavicus stated, he then gave the parrot a bird treat.
"Thanks!" Ginger then whistled a little.
Barbas felt something at his chest from Clavicus and the bird bonding. The Daedric dog realized he was jealous.
"Well, a mortal is trying to summon me at the moment, I'll leave you two here, so behave!" Clavicus stated pointing a finger at Barbas.
When Clavicus teleported away Ginger and Barbas stared at each other for a sold two minutes.
"So you're Clavicus' new favourite?" Barbas asked bitterly.
"Yes faggot!" The bird chirped.
"What?" Barbas growled and then leaped at the bird.
The bird flew away and Barbas continues pursuing the bright red and blue bird. Barbas knockout over countless items when Ginger then landed on a high shelf.
Barbas barked madly at the bird when he heard something drop behind him. The Daedric canine turned his head to see Clavicus standing there glaring, the dropped item an ancient looking sword, something he probably got from the deal.
"BARBAS!" Clavicus roared.
Barbas dropped his head and waited for his punishment as the bird whistled in delight.
Barbas knew he was going to have to deal with the bird for a long time.
Talos was given a package, he didn't know how but it was sitting in his lap. The package had a card on it, so Talos grabbed it and started to read;
Dear Talos,
You seem like you need to chill, so I managed to get you some Cocaine! (It cost a lot too!)
There is a straw in there because you have to sniff it!
Yours sincerely,
A friend.
P.S Don't take too much, you'll regret it.
Talos hesitated for a minute, he had no idea what Cocaine was and had no idea about the effects of it. He then shrugged, he was a divine, right? It couldn't be that bad. He then opened up the package and saw that the stuff was white, he grabbed the straw and opened the stuff up. Putting the straw into his nose he then sniffed the stuff in.
Hours later.
Talos woke up in the middle of a desert half-naked with a sun burnt, covered in unknown fluids.
"I'm never doing that again," He groaned. He shifted his weight and noticed another letter, this one in a neon red envelope. Grabbing it, Talos opened it and read it;
Dear Talos,
It's me again! You're probably wonder what's going on and where you are, so I'll tell you.
You are in the middle of a desert in Elsweyr, I know this because I'm the one who put you there.
I know, I know, you're probably furious right now and want me dead, but here's the story.
Fuck you.
Sincerely,
A fr-enemy!
"Motherfucker!" The Nordic god growled, he glared daggers at every single word. He couldn't wait to find who this mysterious person was.
Review or Sheogorath will pummel you with cheese!