The night was calm, unusually calm for New York City. No cars honked, no people yelled. The only comforting sign that the world was still there was the lights shining through the split in the drapes. There was a slight breeze, bringing in the scent of the cars below.
Detective Olivia Benson stirred in her bed and looked at the window, then at the clock. 2:45 AM. Great she thought, she wouldn't get much sleep now that she was awake. She slid out of bed groggily and closed the window, the stench was giving her a headache.
She padded into the kitchen and poured a glass of water, then dragged herself to the bathroom and swallowed a few extra strength Tylenol. She rubbed her sleepy eyes and trudged back to the bedroom and turned on the small reading light on the nightstand. She picked up a magazine and began to read. It didn't take long for her to get bored. She looked at the clock again. It was only three o'clock. She sighed angrily. This was the problem, when she was able to get sleep she slept all night, but it was the exact opposite when she awoke in the early morning, she was up and there was nothing she could do about it.
When it was too much for her to take she got up and grabbed her lap top. She turned it on and began to write. She felt stupid, a detective hardened by years at the SVU and she had a journal on the computer. Even the toughest people need to get their feelings out. She thought to herself. She wrote for hours on end about everything she could think of.
There are so many things that go through my mind on a daily basis. So many things I wish I could say, but never get to, or just forget about. Now that I'm older some of the feelings I've had can be explained, but not this one, this one is different, alien to me.
Alexandra Cabot, ADA. Assigned to the SVU only a year ago. Her name, her voice, her smile, everything invites you in. Or at least, me. It's not that I go around staring at her or anything, but I wish I could, just stare in those blue eyes for hours. The one thing in my life that has been lacking and I find it with the ADA assigned to my unit? Typical me. I want to say these things allowed, but to who? Not to Elliot I know what he would say. And if I told Alex herself? Well I can just imagine how that would go down, me being shot out of the sky like an enemy fighter pilot.
Olivia looked at the clock again, it was nearly six, time to get ready for work. Elliot was picking her up and at seven they were due at the courthouse. She shuddered at the thought, for two reasons, the case: A twelve year old girl raped and murdered by her foster brother who was only seventeen, and the second, because Assistant District Attorney Cabot was going to be there. The first trumped the second, but the two together were enough to make Olivia anxious.
Elliot arrived with a honk of his horn, Olivia rushed down to meet him and hopped into the passenger's seat. He handed her a paper cup of coffee.
"You look like you need it." He said with a wry smile. Olivia nodded and took a sip, relishing the hot liquid running down her throat. "Bad night?" He asked, his eyes returning to the road.
"Don't even get me started." She put the cup in the holder and leaned back in the chair. She rested her cheek in her hand and looked out the window, the sky was gray, a hint of rain to come. Elliot eased his way into a parking space and stopped the car. It took Olivia a few seconds to realise that she had dosed off.
"Hey, you coming or what?" Elliot asked through the half open window. She jerked awake.
"Huh? Oh yeah, right." Elliot gave her a concerned look and waited for her to get out of the car.
They crossed the street and saw the media frenzy beginning on the steps of the court house. The lawyer for the teen was talking to one reporter, vehemently shaking his hand and speaking with annoyance lacing his voice.
"We are confident that the jury will choose in our favour, my client is not guilty of this horrible act, thank you." He waved a hand and turned to walk briskly up the steps.
"He's so full of it his eyes are brown." Elliot said, scoffing. Olivia nodded vaguely. "You sure you're okay?" He asked.
Olivia nodded. "Yeah, yeah, just tired that's all." Then someone's voice woke up her senses, and something jumped inside her.
"Elliot, Olivia!" It was Alex and Olivia knew she would have no trouble staying awake now. They both turned and greeted her with grim smiles.
"Alex." Elliot nodded.
"Mind if I join you?" Alex asked, smiling back.
Elliot opened his mouth to speak but Olivia interrupted him. "No, not at all." It was a slur of words, but Alex managed to get the idea of the response.
They opened the large doors of the courthouse and put their coats away in the designated room. Elliot told them he had some things to take care of before the trial started and left the detective and ADA alone in the room.
Alex smiled. "How've you been the past few days, I haven't had time to come by and see the team lately, I've been so bogged down with paper work." She fumbled with a hanger and dropped it on the carpeted floor. Olivia bent down to pick it up, but so did Alex and half way down they bumped heads painfully.
"Ouch." Moaned Olivia, her headache had just started to go away and this was going to bring it all back again. Alex cringed and rubbed her head, obviously in less pain then the detective.
"You okay?" She asked in concern. Olivia nodded.
"I think so, though I may need some Tylenol before the trial starts." She half smiled. Alex nodded.
"I have some in my purse here," she put the bag down on the table and rummaged through it, she suddenly moved her hand quickly out of the bag, causing it to topple over, the contents spilling on the floor.
"Here I'll get it" Olivia started to bend down but Alex quickly stopped her. Olivia jumped at the urgency in her voice.
"No! It's okay I have it." Then Olivia noticed why Alex had stopped her. A small package of condoms were a part of the contents of the purse.
"Of come on Alex, it's not like I haven't seen any before."
The blonde blushed, her pale perfect skin turning a rosy pink. Olivia felt herself blush as she admired Alex's beauty. She looked away. "Sorry, that was silly, I don't know why I did that." She handed Olivia the bottle and a water and Olivia took the pills.
"Thanks"
The trial was long and Olivia had to pinch herself now and then to keep from passing out. She couldn't remember the last time she had had a good night's sleep. Last weekend maybe? She struggled to keep her eyes open, and listen to the attorney's grill each witness.
When she was called to the stand as a witness by Alex she stood up, too quickly and a rush of dizziness and nausea hit her. She put a hand on the table but it slipped and she fell forwards into it, her face cracking off the solid wood, and then the cold tiled floor. She heard a shout and saw heeled shoes, a hand on her back, and then nothing.
Olivia slowly opened her eyes. Her vision was blurred for a few seconds and she blinked it away. She lifted her hand to her face, it burned intensely. She groaned.
Alex stirred in the chair. She had heard a noise, then she jerked awake, Olivia had come to. She pushed off the chair and rushed over to the bed side.
"Liv?" She said softly. Olivia moved uncomfortably and rubbed her head. The bandage had a light red tinge to it and Alec shuddered as she watch Olivia fall again in her mind. "Olivia?" She repeated her friend's name.
"Wha… what happened?" She asked groggily.
Alex took her hand gently. "You passed out yesterday at the courthouse, don't you remember?" Olivia looked as though she was struggling to. "It's okay you don't have to, I was only asking."
"Where's Elliot?" She queried.
"He went home, he was here all day with you, it's about nine at night." She watched as Olivia processed the information and felt a twinge in her chest, there was a lump in her throat, which she covered up gracefully as she spoke.
"Can I get you anything?" Olivia just shook her head and closed her eyes.
"How could I be so stupid?" She asked out loud. Alex didn't answer assuming she was talking to herself out loud. "I brought this on myself, god I'm so stupid!"
Alex felt the twinge again and she squeezed Olivia's hand. "You are not stupid Olivia, we all do this at some point in our careers."
Before Olivia could answer the doctor came in. "Ah, glad to see you're awake detective." He took her chart off the end of the bed and took a piece of paper off and scribbled on it. "Seems like you haven't eaten or slept in a few days, you collapsed from lack of energy, your system crashed."
Olivia sighed. "Anything serious?"
The doctor shook his head. "You suffered a small concussion when you fell, we'll keep you a few days until you get your strength back." She nodded. "You should eat something detective, you need the energy"
Alex stood up, "I'll get you something."
Olivia tried to protest but Alex had walked out of the room. A few minutes later she opened her eyes to a cup of green Jell-O and some carrot sticks.
"Sorry, they didn't have a big selection." Alex unwrapped the Jell-O and gave Olivia the spoon which she held in a shaky hand. She tried to scoop the odd liquidly solid but failed in her attempt. She saw Alex watching her, an expression of pity on her face.
"Give me the carrots." She said when she had finally given up on the green goo. Alex handed her the carrots and they were gone only a minute later. Alex picked up the spoon and dipped it in the Jell-O. Olivia shook her head, "Really Alex I don't need you to" but the spoon was already in her mouth and the ADA had an expression of suppressed laughter on her face. Olivia was not used to seeing Alex in such a nurturing manor.
Alex blushed slightly as she fed Olivia the Jell-O. She felt kind of stupid doing it. She thought of the way she had been feeling towards Olivia as of late. At first she had tried to deny her feelings, to herself. Then she realised that they would never leave as long as she was working with Olivia and likely if she left. She smiled and put down the Jell-O. "Feeling any better?" She asked, using the back of her hand on Olivia's forehead.
Olivia nodded. "A bit, though I am kind of tired I think I might try to sleep." Alex got up off the bed and headed to the door smiling.
"Sweet dreams." She said in a soft voice. She shook her head at the corny phrase and walked out into the hallway. She made her way to the cafeteria and got a cup of coffee. She sat at an empty table with the cup between her hands. She inhaled the aroma, not her favourite kind of coffee, she would have preferred to go and get a fancy cup of the energy sustaining liquid, but she decided against it.
"Everything alright Miss Cabot?" Alex looked up and saw Captain Cragen, detective Munch and Tutuola.
She stood up. "Yes, Olivia's just fine, she's resting now though."
Cragen nodded. "Good, we just came down to make sure she was alright, we can wait here if you want to go home?"
Alex suppressed a yawn. "No, no that's fine I've only been here…" She looked at her watch. "Six hours, wow." Rolling down the sleeves of her blouse Alex pushed the chair back. "I guess I should go home and at least shower and change."
When Alex arrived at her apartment it was just after twelve o'clock. She quickly showered and changed into her pyjamas, she had to get some sleep, the trial was supposed to continue with Elliot on the stand instead of Olivia.
Sleep wasn't much of an option for Alex, she lay in bed thinking about Olivia. Her thoughts went back to the courtroom and the rush of concern that had gone through her when Olivia had collapsed. More concern for her than for anyone else. She saw Olivia's face as she hit the ground, shock and pain mixed into one. She shuddered as she remembered the blood pouring from her head. She shifted in bed and closed her eyes again.
Two weeks later
"Jeez Alex I think you've had enough to drink tonight" Olivia said with a laugh.
Alex swayed in her chair. "Nonsense, I've only had three shots!" She protested and nearly slipped off the seat. Elliot grabbed her shoulder and steady her.
"Of Tequila, I think we know your limit."
Olivia stood up and held out her arm. "I think we should get you a cab Miss Cabot" She said in a mock serious voice. "You still remember where you live?"
Alex tried to slap Olivia's arm, but missed and lunged forwards slightly. Olivia caught her and held her in place as they walked down the steps to the sidewalk. Olivia hailed a cab and put Alex in it, Elliot walked towards his car, he hadn't been drinking, and his wife wouldn't allow it tonight.
"See you ladies in a few days." He noted that the two had three days off after the case had ended. He was going away for those few days with his family. Olivia waved him off and stood next to the cab.
"Why don't you come home with me Detective?" Alex asked, her words slurring and her eyes blinking slower than usual.
Olivia laughed nervously. "Why would I do that? I have a place of my own you know."
Alex frowned. "Don't give me that crap Benson," she said, "You and I both know what's going on here."
Olivia raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And what's that?" She asked.
Alex didn't reply, but pulled Olivia into the cab and sloppily shut the door. Then she shouted her address. "And step on it!" She added unnecessarily.
When the cab dropped them off, Olivia paid him and got out, almost laughing as Alex stumbled up the steps of her apartment building. Olivia shoved her hands inside her long coat's pockets and watched as the Comedy of ADA Cabot continued.
"Well are you coming or not?" She demanded.
Olivia looked back, but the cab was gone. She nodded towards the street. "I should be going home."
Suddenly Alex seemed to sober up slightly. "Why?" She asked sincerely.
Olivia cocked an eyebrow.
Alex walked, or rather wobbled down the step and suddenly tripped. Olivia caught her before she could hit the pavement. "Good reflexes Detective."
Olivia shuddered at their closeness. "Part of the job." She replied nervously.
Alex straightened up. She brushed herself off and then turned back to Olivia, who was now frozen in shear fear. Her heart raced as Alex slowly took the lapels of her jacket into her gloved hands. Her breath was minty from the gum she had jacked from Elliot. Her eyes shone in the light of the street lamp which also reflected off her trade mark spectacles. "Let's not pretend about this anymore Olivia."
Olivia tried to move back, but Alex's grip on her was tight. "Alex really, you're drunk you just need some sleep, I can't, we can't."
Alex frowned, then her expression softened, she didn't say a word. She stared into Olivia's dark eyes. She pressed a gloved finger to Olivia's lips. She could smell the leather. Then she leaned forward and replaced her finger with her own lips, brushing them ever so softly against Olivia's.
At first Olivia wanted to resist, but the feeling of Alex's lips against hers was difficult to get away from. She melted into the kiss. When it ended she saw Alex open her eyes slowly. She smiled softly and nodded to the door.
"Why not come inside?" She asked. Olivia was still hesitating.
"Alex, we shouldn't". Alex took her hand and guided her up the stairs. She let her hand go and pulled open the door. Olivia followed her inside. The warmth of the building washed over them. Olivia felt the hesitation leave her when Alex turned and smiled her wide smile. Olivia returned it with one just as dazzling.
They took the elevator up to Alex's floor and stepped out. With the hour being late, there was nobody in the hallway. Alex took out her key when they reached her apartment door. She unlocked it and opened the door. Olivia trailed close behind.
In her many years as a detective Olivia had a keen sense of observation. She saw that Alex's apartment was meticulous, compared to her own messy dwelling. There was a large book case filled with literature large and small. Some potted plants stood on a glass table in the living area with a large couch and a couple of matching arm chairs. The kitchen was spotless save for a notepad and pen on the corner of the counter.
Alex dropped her coat on the couch and flopped down. Olivia took her own coat off and placed it on top of Alex's. She stuffed her hands in her pockets and looked at Alex in the dim light. The ADA reached over and picked up a remote control, pointing it to the gas fireplace and waiting for the flames to rise. When she was satisfied she placed it back on the table and patted the place next to her looking at Olivia. Olivia consented and sat next to her, but not too close. Alex moved to fill the space between them resting her head on Olivia's shoulder.
Olivia breathed in deeply. She caught Alex's scent. Vanilla mixed with mint. She smiled to herself and looked down at the other woman. "Alex, what is this we're doing?" She asked.
Alex looked up from Olivia's shoulder. "I… I'm not sure." She paused for a moment, and then continued. "It's just, ever since I met you I've had these strong feelings towards you and maybe it took a few shots of Tequila to let me express them."
Olivia thought for a moment. "It's been that long for me too, I just didn't think of getting plastered before telling you."
Alex laughed, that sweet lovable laugh. She snuggled back into Olivia's shoulder and sighed in contentment. She took her hand and pulled Olivia's face close to hers and kissed her lightly on the lips. She made a happy sound as Olivia returned the gesture wrapping her arms around her thin form. Alex laid back on the couch, she felt the warmth of Olivia's body against hers. She reached up and began to undo the buttons on the detective's shirt. She felt Olivia's hand meet hers and for a second she thought the other woman would continue what she had begun, but she was stopping her.
"Not like this." She heard Olivia whisper.
Alex looked up at her. "What do you mean?" She asked in surprise.
Olivia pursed her lips together and sighed. "I would rather be sober, so I could remember it. Besides, what if, y-y-"Olivia tried to push back tears "Y-y-you don't really like me?"
Alex laughed softly and caressed Olivia's face "Don't be silly, of course I don't like you"
Olivia was about to burst into tears when Alex kissed her and said "I don't like you, I love you
"Okay" She smiled at Olivia and ran a hand through her brown hair. Olivia smiled back at her and leaned back on the couch. Alex laid next to her and rested on her chest, listening to her hear beat. She closed her eyes and smiled, feeling Olivia breathing. They fell asleep their first night together…