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How to make fun of your author
By Crystalmask
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Inside a room were a girl and a lucario. The lucario and the girl were both sitting down on the floor, their backs leaning on a wall. In front of them, a laptop and empty chair stood. The lucario nudged the girl and then pointed to the empty chair. The girl glanced at the chair and then back at the computer.
"That's where our guest will sit down. She should be here any moment now." The girl closed her laptop, tied her black hair in a bun and sighed. "Kirario?"
The lucario looked at the girl. "Yes, Ana?"
Ana closed her eyes. "Nothing. I just like hearing your voice." She opened her eyes and looked at Kirario. "You shouldn't be able to talk. I mean, unless you were the Lucario from the pokemon movie…"
"But here I am, talking like a human."
"Well duh! I mean, you're fiction! You could sprout wings and be a little fairy any second now!"
"You're fiction too."
The girl jumped up. "That I am! But at least I'm original unlike you." She laughed at Kirario who was glaring at her. "Aww, I was just kidding! You're physical appearance might be stolen but you're personality is original!"
Kirario remained silent for a moment. "Wait a sec… If I'm stolen, someone should get sued. Who will Nintendo sue?"
The girl laughed. "The author!"
"The author?"
"You know! Crystalmask! But I doubt she'll get sued. They could if they wanted but there are thousands of other pokemon fanfiction writers." She said, sitting down again.
Kirario sighed. "Whatever… By the way, who's our guest?"
Ana giggled childishly. "Crystalmask!"
Before Kirario could say anything, Ana got up again and clapped her hands. The empty chair started glowing and a few seconds later, there was a girl sitting on the chair.
"What the hell!?" the girl exclaimed, looking at Ana.
"Hi Crystal!" Ana said cheerfully. "My name is Ana and this is Ki-"
"I know who you are!" Crystal spat. "What am I doing here!?"
"You're here because I'm going to do an analysis of the early moments of your career!" Ana explained. "And by analysis I mean making fun of all your mistakes!"
"Wh-Why would you do that!?" Crystal asked.
"Why are you asking me? You're the one writing this." Ana replied.
"What?"
Ana rolled her eyes. "I guess I can tell you…There are three possible reasons why you're doing this. The first one is that maybe you're a martyr so you're making this because you want people to make fun of you so you can cry and feel sorry for yourself. The second reason could be because you're too lazy to actually work on the next chapters of your two current fics so you wanted to write something with no plot whatsoever."
Ana paused to catch her breath before she continued. "And the third reason you might be doing this is because you feel that if you make fun of your mistakes, next time you remember them you'll laugh instead of whining and feeling sorry for yourself."
"I like number 2." Kirario said.
"Me too." Ana agreed, "Which one do you like, Crystal?"
Crystal looked absolutely furious. "What I'd like is if you stopped this nonsense and let me go back to sleep! I have to get up early tomorrow so I can go get my new passport!"
"But I'm not the one keeping you here! You're the one writing this!" Ana exclaimed. "I'll help you out. STOP WRITING AND GO TO BED!"
Ana looked around. "We're still here so that means you'll need to drink lots of caffeine tomorrow if you want to stay awake to get your passport."
"Oh shut up…" Crystal muttered.
Ana clapped her hands. "Let's begin!" She grabbed the laptop and sat next to Kirario. "Where shall we begin? Should we start with the horror of horrors, your fic 'Crystal Kingdom'?"
Crystal winced. "No way, jose!"
"Well we have to begin somewhere so why not begin with the beginning of it all?" Ana said. She opened the documents section of the laptop and opened a WORD file called "Dreaming of you".
"Dreaming of you?" Kirario asked.
"Dreaming of you, dear Kirario, is Crystal's first fic eveeeeeer!" She answered. "A fic filled with grammar mistakes and plot inconsistencies."
"The grammar was pretty good for a 14 year old who doesn't live in en English speaking country and the plot wasn't bad!" Crystal defended.
"Puh-leaaaase! It was terrible!"
"What was it about?" asked Kirario.
Ana clicked a few buttons and began reading. "Ash and Misty are paired up together for a survival contest but every night, Misty has dreams where a boy who looks just like Ash likes her and soon, she starts falling for this dream Ash look-a-like."
Kirario looked puzzled. "So? What's wrong with that?"
"Where do I begin?!" Ana exclaimed, "To begin with, Misty didn't have dreams! Ash made her believe she was dreaming! I mean, come on! Who would be dumb enough to fall for that?! If I woke you up in the middle of the night and told you that you're dreaming, would you believe me?"
"Probably not." Kirario admitted.
"And to think she didn't get one single critique!"
"Critique?"
"Someone nicely pointing out the flaws in her fic so she'll improve." Ana explained. She took out a little paper and handed it to Kirario. "If I were real, this is the review I would've done."
Okay so I'm a big pokeshipping fan and even if this story has made me smile a couple of times, I need to point out some things:
-Please get a beta-reader to correct all your grammar mistakes.
-Make your chapters loooonger
-I'm so sorry but I ain't buying the fact that Misty actually believes Ash when he's telling her she's dreaming! Come on! What is she dumb? You should have said in the first author note that misty was gonna be dumb in this fic! OLOLOLOL!
Kirario handed back the paper. "Wow you're mean…"
Ana smiled. "I wish I could show you some parts of the fic but sadly, Crystal erased the fic from "
"Why did she do that?"
Ana looked at Crystal and grinned. "Why don't you tell him?"
"Go to hell!" Crystal screamed furiously.
Ana looked at Kirario. "She deleted it and two other fics because she got a flame and the poor wittle girl got depressed." She looked at Crystal. "Isn't that wight, wittle girl?"
"I'll murder you!" Crystal screamed, jumping towards Ana.
Ana clapped her hands and Crystal was immediately pulled back to the chair. Ana got up and used a rope to tie Crystal to the chair before sitting back next to Kirario.
"Where did that rope come from?" asked Kirario.
"It appeared magically. This isn't real life, remember? Anyways, where was i? Ah yes! As I was saying, she deleted the fic because of a flame she got in another one of her stories. I'll go back to that later."
Kirario looked puzzled. "Wait a sec, how come there's a story like that in her current FF account?"
"You see, Crystal realized her horrible mistake so she decided to try and redeem herself by making Ash actually enter Misty's dreams. It's much better now, I must admit. I think I still have the chapters of the original fic in my old computer. If I ever feel like plugging it in, I'll post them in a second chapter of this fic or whatever."
Ana closed the file and opened a new one.
"Why is that file called 'the horror'?"
Ana smiled darkly. "Because, in this little file, lies Crystal's worst mistake ever. Something 50 times worse than the original 'Dreaming of you'…" Ana got up, pulled up a chair and stood on it. "Crystal kingdom!"
Crystal immediately started fidgeting wildly. "No! Please! I beg you! Don't talk about that! Don't do this to me!"
"But it must be told!" Ana exclaimed in an overly dramatic voice. "It's a part of you! You cannot escape it! It may be the darkest part of your time as a writer but it's a part that must be revealed! It has made you into who you are because it made you realize the errors of your ways! You have to embrace it even if it is your worst mistake eveeer!"
"Why is it so bad??" Kirario asked.
"Because it is Crystal's first Mary Sue fic!"
"Noooooo!" Crystal wailed. "Why?! Why did you have to tell them?!"
"But Ana, what is a Mary Sue?"
Ana jumped of the chair and sat next to Kirario. She grabbed her laptop and moments later, showed the screen to Kirario. "Read this."
A Mary Sue (sometimes just Sue), in literary criticism and particularly in fanfiction, is a fictional character with overly idealized and hackneyed mannerisms, lacking noteworthy flaws, and primarily functioning as wish-fulfillment fantasies for their authors or readers. Perhaps the single underlying feature of all characters described as "Mary Sues" is that they are too ostentatious for the audience's taste, or that the author seems to favor the character too highly. The author may seem to push how exceptional and wonderful the "Mary Sue" character is on his or her audience, sometimes leading the audience to dislike or even resent the character fairly quickly; such a character could be described as an "author's pet".
"Understood?" Ana asked.
"Uhm…Well, I don't really unders-"
"Listen Kirario! I'm very sorry but it's much more fun to torture Crystal than to explain what a mary sue is so if you have any trouble, go to wikipedia and read the mary sue article and come back when you've finished!" She then turned around to look at Crystal. "Where was i? Oh yes! Crystal Kingdom! Mwahahaha!!!"
Crystal stared at Ana. "Daamn…I must be really high on something if I'm writing a character as freaky as you."
"Hey! I resent that! I guess I'll let it pass seeing as you're about to be tortured!" Ana said, taking her laptop away from Kirario.
"Hey! I was reading the article!"
"Be quiet, Kirario! You don't exist hence your opinion doesn't matter! Now shut up and listen to me!" Ana opened the file 'the horror'. "As fellow authors know, the most blatant sign of a Mary sue is when the character shares the same name as the author. I don't exactly remember how the summary went but I think it went something like this: Cayetana is a girl from our world who gets transported to the pokemon world. After learning about a prophecy, Cayetana and the gang have to go find a princess. Problem is, they don't know where she is."
"Hey!" Crystal exclaimed, "You didn't have to say my real name!"
"You shouldn't have put it there in the first place!"
"Oh buuurn!"
"I said be quiet, Kirario!"
"Sorry…"
Ana rolled her eyes. "Whatever." She then looked at the ceiling, "Readers, I know some of you gagged when you read the summary. Don't worry, I did too."
"Uhm… Ana?" asked Kirario, "Who are you talking to?"
"Your mom! Now shut up!"
"You're so mean!" cried Kirario before running out of the room.
"Wussy!" Ana called out. She then turned around and saw Crystal glaring at her. "What? What?"
"You're unbelievably mean…"
Ana brushed it off. "Oh don't worry. He'll eat some ice cream, punch a tree and he'll come right back. Anyways, back to the torture. Let's start by the first thing wrong with your fic."
"Listen Crystal, I know you've learned your lesson and that repeating this to you is dumb because you already know it but I want to laugh at you so I'm saying it to you. You should NEVER EVER mix real life with tv! Fics like that almost never work!"
"Hey wait a second… You're saying I shouldn't mix real life with fiction, right?"
"Yes."
"Then this fic is wrong because that's exactly what's happening! Me being here is mixing reality with fiction!"
Ana blankly stared at Crystal. "Uhm…well…i…uh…I TOLD YOU TO BE QUIET KIRARIO! Oh wait…BE QUIET AND CONFUSING ME! As I was saying, mixing real life people with tv characters is wrong!"
Crystal was about to say something but decided otherwise. "I sure as hell don't want this crazy woman to get mad again" she thought.
"Okay, I will now ask you a series of questions. You have to answer yes or no. If you lie, you may deceive the reader but you won't deceive yourself. First question, is it true that the character called 'Cayetana' looked like a better version of you and had none of the flaws you had at the time?"
"maybe…"
"Was going into the pokemon series a true desire of yours at the moment?"
"yes…"
"After traveling to the pokemon world, Cayetana meets the main canon characters of the show. Did you ever plan on having the canon characters be mad at or hate Cayetana at any point during the fic?"
"…no…"
"Is it true that by the second chapter, Ash having only know Cayetana for a very short time, told her she was his best friend?"
"I honestly don't see the poi-"
"Yes or no!"
"YES!"
"Cayetana and The gang are looking for a princess from a prophecy that foretold she was going to do something great. Is it true that Cayetana was going to turn out to be the princess?"
"Why are you doing this to me?"
"Yes or no!"
"Yes…I hate you, by the way…
"At the time when you wrote the fic, did you wish it would happen to you?"
"Well duh! That's why it's a mary sue fic!"
"You got a flame for this story. The flame critiqued the plot of the story, the main character and several other things. Is it true that instead of thinking out the flame and trying to correct these mistakes, you took it as a personal attack and you proceeded to counter the flame by angrily trying to defend the story with not very good arguments?"
"yes…"
"Is it true that you started beating yourself up, telling yourself that your stories were horrible and then proceeded to delete the majority of your fics?"
"yes…"
Ana got up. "Do you regret writing that story?! Do you?!"
"Yes!" Crystal wailed. "I'm sorry! I was young and foolish! I had gotten a lot of positive feedback on Dreaming of you so I thought everyone loved me and that I was a popular writer! I'M SORRRYYYY!!!"
Ana patted Crystal on the shoulder. "There, there! You should be proud of yourself!"
"I- I should?"
Ana sat down again. "Sure! I mean, it's really hard to admit your mistakes! And not only are you doing that but you're admitting them in front of other people! Not just yourself! That means you're on the good road! Besides, there are tons of authors that have written Mary Sues! Some even got famous!"
The girls suddenly heard a door open and saw Kirario walk in with a bowl of icecream.
"I feel better now!"
Ana grabbed Kirario's icecream and gave it to Crystal. "Here, take it!"
"Hey!" Kirario exclaimed.
"She needs it more than you do because I'm not finished with her."
Crystal sighed. "Oh lord…"
Ana sat down and grabbed her laptop. "We're almost done with the analysis. There's only two more parts left. Let's start with Reviews."
"Reviews are one of the things almost every author craves. It saddens me to say that many god stories were discontinued because the author didn't get the amount of reviews he or she wanted. If that's the case, something's wrong here: Either it's bad or it's an Original character fic."
"What's wrong with it being an OC fic?" asked Kirario.
"You see Kirario, most pokemon fans that come here come to read fics concerning canon characters. Crystal here has one OC fic and is planning on doing more yet she has never read an OC fic because she'd much rather read something about characters she already knows. As a matter of fact, this fic is an OC fic so probably very few people will actually read it and probably none will bother to review! That's the problem with writing OC fics! But the topic is reviews, not OCs!"
Ana started typing something on her computer. "As I said before, there are positive reviews and negative review. A positive review will tell you that your story is awesome and that you should continue it and it will praise you and boost your ego. A negative review will leave you depressed for about an hour until you get distracted by something shiny." Ana showed Kirario the screen of her laptop. "For example, look at this negative review I did for Crystal's Mary sue fic."
I'm really sorry but god! This story is really clichéd! I mean, dude! The main character is a blatant mary sue! I mean..gah… please stop this…it's horrible, no offense but it is! I have this horrible feeling that at the end, Cayetana will become the princess of a wonder winterland and she'll be a sparkly snowflake…
Please stop this fic…please…
"Crystal's first flame was much more complete than this and she just now realizes how right that person was so bombsey, if you're reading this, Crystal thanks you." Ana said solemnly. "Anyways, bottom line is, reviews are good but you have to remember that you're writing for YOURSELF! Reviews help you update faster but you should be writing out of love for the fandom and out of pleasure of writing!"
With that said, Ana closed her laptop and got up. "I'm tired now so I'm letting you go, Crystal."
"Re-Really?! I'm free!?"
"Yes. I had fun torturing you by making you remember all of your flaws but sadly, all good things must come to an end. Buh-Bye!"
Ana clapped her hands and Crystal was gone in a flash. She then walked towards a bed and lied down on it. Kirario jumped on the bed and lied down next to her.
"It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. "Ana admitted.
"Do you still have the chapters for 'Crystal Kingdom'?"
"I think so. I might post them on or here, just to get good laughs. I'll let the readers decide when they review."
"But you said we probably wouldn't get reviews."
"BE QUIET KIRARIO!"
TO BE CONTINUED?
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I hereby call this the randomnest thing i have ever written and will probably ever write XD Don't worry if you're weirded out, that's totally normal ^_^