Summary: Seifer reflects on his life, post-Sorceress War. Hope it's even slight angst.
RUNAWAY
I leaned against the white balcony, fateful to Squall and Rinoa. Not that I really cared about them much, or anybody for the matter. After the Sorceress War ended, all I wanted to do was kill myself. But no. Squall and his little group brought me back, by force, to make me stand trial for war crimes. I never said a word during the whole process--I knew what I had done and I was guilty of bloodshed. Then again, I could never really estimate the power of friendship or kindness.
Looking up into the evening sky, I noted nothing but the murky gray. No clouds, no moon. It was like chaos, the sky that was painted in front of me, and it invisibly reminded me of how confused and disillusioned I was. Dreams were figments of the mind's eye, to be blindly followed. They had no depth or perception. Pursuing a reverie was like pursuing the speed of light. Foolish and a waste of time.
What did my dreams leave me with?
Hatred towards me; my body, soul, whatever contained the essence of Seifer Almasy.
Graffiti decorations
Underneath a sky of dust
A constant wave of tension
On top of broken trust
The lessons that you taught me
I learned were never true
I still didn't trust anyone. Dubious enough I had been when Zell greeted me courteously, not grudgingly. And now I was to believe everything was forgiven?
Tension was thick wherever I walked. What existence had taught me was nothing of use to me now. No one knew the ache and melancholy of being the world's most despised enemy. Ultimecia was from the future and that factor held no consideration to the people. I was of the present, I was beside her, I worked alongside her. I killed for her. Therefore I was to blame. Whenever a drought occurred, floods rolled angrily, fires raged and tornados shrieked; I was to blame. I became the universal scapegoat whenever someone stubbed their toe on a chair, or failed a test.
For all these people knew—I was the plague of everything bad. To sum it up, I might as well have been everything in Pandora's box except for hope. Optimism was of no use to me, who wanted to regard me as a regular person they could turn to for some training advice or a sarcastic joke? I had no friends. Raijin and Fuujin had moved on to become SeeDs, and Hyne only proved to me more how much the world didn't care for me anymore.
Now I find myself in question
(They point the finger at me again)
Guilty by association
(You point the finger at me again)
There was a strong feeling of intuition inside me that told me to leave, and as fast as I could. The whole plot, if there was one, reeked of suspicion. Just the thought of Zell saying "Hello Seifer" without having a switchblade hidden in one hand was enough to make me vomit. And even if they had forgiven me, I could never absolve myself. I had killed countless people in Edea's way with my gunblade. My hands were stained and I didn't deserve to reenter Balamb Garden in hopes of becoming a SeeD when I had sought nothing more than the demise of the very institution.
Paper bags and angry voices
Under a sky of dust
Another wave of tension
Has more than filled me up
All my talk of taking action
These words were never true
Their voices may have sounded convincing but I knew otherwise. It was all a little game. See how long Seifer Almasy would hold out before he cracked and slunk away like a dog with its tail between its legs! Why should I lose my dignity to them when I could preserve it by running away? Balamb Garden didn't consider me a cadet so I wasn't a ward until twenty-one. Then again, I couldn't really leave Garden. Simply put—it was the last place where I could at least be tolerated silently. The other cities… they weren't so lenient, so forgiving.
I remember once, as I was walking in between Squall and Quistis through the streets of Esthar, then Deling City, how the crowds formed so quickly! Whatever could be used in the slightest way as a weapon, it was in their hands within seconds while black anger burned in their minds.
"Death to the lapdog! Death to the sorceress's knight!"
Those words cut into me repeatedly. I might as well have let them punish me with strong blows until I was bruised and bloody. Their shouts had done their deed, slicing into what little fragment of my mind and persona I had left. Ultimecia had done well when she brainwashed me.
I wanna run away
Never say good-bye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind
I could always pretend, but I wasn't a child anymore. I wasn't the bullying six-year-old boy in the orphanage anymore, but an accountable man with a stained conscience.
What was there to my life that was worth living? What was better than feeling the cold steel of my gunblade slicing into my throat? I knew of nothing. So why did everyone make believe? They thought it was all for the better when in fact, it just made me feel worse.
I was like a leech. A parasite. Living off others while I did nothing but brood. Everyone else… they had something ahead to achieve in their lives while I had nothing but painful memories. Let them live their insignificant being. Life was easily given and taken. Humanity could keep one alive while malice could leave one dead. Magic dominated our world. The role of Hyne was for the strong, while the weak milled about pitifully.
I couldn't picture myself in either set. I was part of none. My former arrogance was through superficiality. My present silence was borne on unbelief.
Gonna run away
And then I realized it clearly as the moon finally revealed itself from its cloudy shroud. That same instant, my mind cleared, sorting the thoughts into more simplified and understandable contemplations. I had nothing to tie me to this world. No one to love, no one to care about me, what purpose did I have?
Absolutely none.
So the answer became as clear as the twinkling star that shot through the inky blackness.
It was time I left.
Time I never came back.
Farewell, I thought. Farewell to nothing and no one.