Eclipse of the Soul
"What have I done?" Merlyn mumbled into the vast darkness of the cavern underneath Camelot. Her voice was barely able to function, the muscles of her throat throbbing and constricting in an effort to contain her sorrow, "I cannot be part of any destiny, I don't even know if I can live with what has happened."
Her words sunk into the void, the cavern seeming to swallow the sounds with no immediate response. A few heartbeats later and the almost familiar noise of beating wings, buffeting the air into tiny gales, signaled the approach of the dragon imprisoned below the city. The miniature quake in the stone as the gargantuan creature landed broke Merlyn from her introspection, focusing her eyes on the gleaming golden orbs before her.
"Destiny, is not something you can choose to be a part of Merlyn. You can only influence your role; the characters have already been cast." As he spoke, the eyes of the Great Dragon never left Merlyn's, almost as if he were trying to see into her soul, to make some determination about her ability to fulfill the destiny he was so adamant about.
"I am a murderer." She croaked, her throat finally winning the battle to stopper her speech, at least for a moment. "For the greater good, for destiny… for Arthur. Innocent blood has now forever stained my hands, this is part of my destiny?!" she exclaimed, her voice thundering as it echoed throughout the chamber.
The dragon Kilgharrah seemed to focus on something else for a moment, reptilian eyes dilating, still looking at Merlyn, but at the same time, looking beyond her. "Mordred was destined to murder Arthur unless you acted now. There were no other paths for him." As he finished, his eyes refocused, the sharp black irises honing in on her once more.
"That's all there is to it huh?!" An angry flush rose up her neck and bloomed on her cheeks, "Nothing to be done for it, just something you had to do. I didn't want to murder a child!" her voice choked off at the end and water blurred her vision of the dragon before her.
"You are Emrys." Kilgharrah responded after a brief pause, as if that statement made everything clear. Yet, before Merlyn could even begin to retort, the dragon unfurled his wings and in a few powerful thrusts, vanished into the darkness.
Merlyn practically flew from the bowels of the castle, desperate to find some form of refuge in her room. A place where she could block out the thoughts that threatened to overtake her mind. As she went down the hallway that made the quickest path to her quarters, her mind was almost completely overcome, his voice threatening to block out all else. "Help! Emrys, where are they taking me?! Emrys!? EMRYS!"
Merlyn stumbled to a halt in the middle of the hallway, head bowed and hands grasping, trying to cover her eyes and ears in a futile attempt to block the sounds of his cries, to obstruct the scenes of her treachery.
Flashback
"Emrys where are we going? Is this a way out?" Mordred questioned telepathically, his hand held securely in hers as she led him through a myriad of twists and turns.
Merlyn paused before replying out loud, in a solemn, almost monotone voice, "I'm taking you…" she paused, "where you have to be."
End flashback
Merlyn began to almost gasp for air, her chest heaving in a struggle to simultaneously provide the air she needed and contain the physical agony that her heart was subjecting her to. A seldom used entertaining room across from her would have to provide the solitude she so desperately needed, at least temporarily. It was a small miracle she had not lost control and done something magical in front of anyone to this point.
Slipping inside and barely managing to close the door without slamming it, Merlyn was finally met with a pale room, twin beams of light escaping the sides of the curtains beyond being the only reason she was not currently engulfed in darkness. Leaning against the wall between the couch and the door, she struggled to control her breathing, coughing sobs breaking through her façade.
Flashback
"Emrys, he is hurting me! Where is he taking me?!" Mordred's panicked voice echoed through the link they shared, as the masked executioner pulled him through the crowd that had gathered.
Merlyn knew exactly where they were, where they were going. The execution block was still assembled from when his father killed.
"Emrys, why won't you answer?!"
"I am sorry Mordred, this had to be." Merlyn scarcely managed to reply, every ounce of her willpower absorbed in either stopping her from rushing to save him, or simply fleeing the city forever to escape this madness.
"What had to be?" Mordred demanded desperately as he was bent over onto the block, it only then became apparent what was happening as he saw the masked man heft the massive axe. The rays of light from the dusk sun glinted off the blade as it raced towards him, his last panicked scream both psychic and real, his voice creaking into the highest pitches of pure terror, "Noooooooo Ahhhhhhhh!" and then abruptly, it ended.
End Flashback
Merlyn could contain herself no longer, silently she reached out, one of the cushions flew into her arms and she buried her face, releasing scream after scream. It would not stop, the sound of his screams would not leave her, and soon her screams were echoing almost in harmony with his inside her mind, barely muffled to world beyond the door beside her.
The echo of his boots slamming into the stone as he strode purposefully down the hallway was enough to signal to any servant or knight that now was definitely not the best time to interact with King Uther. More observant among those groups would be able to tell that he was coming from the section of the castle where Morgana had her quarters and most likely, given her livid outburst concerning the boy executed, that she and the king had a serious, disagreement, would be putting it lightly.
"The girl simply does not understand what is at stake concerning these matters, concerning magic!" Uther huffed, trying to calm himself after the argument.
He continued to make quick strides, set on reaching his study and getting a well-deserved drink. "No doubt Arthur is going to have something to say too." Uther lamented to himself, and decided he would definitely need a drink if he was going to deal with both of them on this issue.
Before he could exit the hallway however, Uther paused. A sound he was familiar with given his experience in battle and executions drew his attention, a sound that rarely if ever should be emanating from within his own castle.
Uther being a man of action, after quickly determining which room the sound was coming from, slammed open the door, not knowing what scene he may happen upon. The adrenaline of a possible confrontation quickly left him as he realized that the only occupant of the room was a servant girl, screaming into a pillow. Uther grabbed the pillow and pulled it away so as to see the girls face, "What in the hell is going on here?!" he demanded.
Though he was given pause once more as he recognized the girl, no, young woman. Many servants he would never be able to recall with any degree of certainty, however this was the niece of his long-time friend and advisor Gaius, the woman that had saved his son's life, not once, but twice. Merlyn was startled from her screams; yet, she could not halt the sobs that still erupted nor the pain from her heart which threatened to pull her into a fetal position.
"Girl! Do you need Gaius? Has someone attacked you?" Uther was surprised to realize the degree of sympathy he felt towards the young woman, rationalizing to himself, "Not only is she the niece of a good friend, but she is a faithful and exemplary servant of house Pendragon. If she was attacked, there is time for one more execution today."
However, Merlyn did not answer and seemed ready to dissolve into hysterics once more.
"What has happened? Answer me!" Uther demanded in an attempt to break though her temporary mania. The anger in his voice seemed to do the trick as Merlyn drew in a sharp breath and seemed to gain some composure, although a slight tremble remained. Slowly, Merlyn turned her head and locked her bloodshot eyes onto Uther's.
Panic. Merlyn quickly looked around the room, her body more tense in that one moment than she had ever experience before. "Magic! Am I causing anything, anywhere?!" she exclaimed in her mind, luckily finding no evidence of anything amiss. The transition from sorrow, to hyper alert panic tinged with fear and then to relief seemed to drain her beyond what she thought possible at this point.
"I am waiting for an explanation." Uther stated, watching the different emotions flash across her face. "Why fear? Does she fear me, or did she take me for someone else?" he thought to himself.
Without truly being sure of why, Merlyn spoke, "I murdered a child. He had done nothing wrong, but I know he had the potential to do great harm. So, I lead him to his death. A child! A child…" Merlyn began to sob once more as the sounds of Mordred's final moments assaulted her again.
A brief moment of surprise seized Uther, "She has murdered a child?!" Yet, a memory from earlier in the day came to him, of Merlyn leading a young boy by the hand, much as a mother would guide her child through a room of strangers, up to one of the guard captains. The boy that had been executed that evening for witchcraft.
"You feel conflicted, because what you think you should have done is not what you know you needed to do." Uther began softly, staring at Merlyn seated on the ground. "You are at the age where you will become a mother soon, so it is understandable that you would feel conflicted where a child is concerned."
Merlyn was momentarily stunned by the thought, "Have a child soon?!"
Perhaps it was because Uther had spent such a contentious hour arguing with Morgana who refused to understand why purging magic in all its forms was necessary. Maybe it was because, as he told himself earlier, Merlyn was not just an ordinary servant. Hell, maybe it was because someone else seemed to be plagued by the same conflict as himself where magic was concerned. She understood the dangers that boy presented and despite the agony it caused her, she did what had to be done. For whatever reason, Uther felt the need to provide some resolution for the woman before him.
Uther walked into the room and pulled apart he curtains, bathing the room in the last vestiges of dusks light. "Have you ever heard the saying 'Noblesse Oblige'?"
Merlyn, who was finally gaining some control over her composure, took a moment to realize he had asked her a question. "No, my Lord."
"It is no secret that many are envious of Nobles. Envious of myself and the comforts you see around you. Although not all Nobles adhere to the concept, 'Noblesse Oblige' loosely means the obligation of the nobility."
Merlyn although not quite sure where Uther was going with this, decided it was never really a good idea to interrupt him and so remained silent.
"Nobility is not something that comes easily, nor is it something so simple as right and wrong, good or bad. The world is not that simple. To be Noble, is to accept the responsibility and the repercussions associated with making the choices that have to be made, not necessarily the choices you want to make." At this point Uther was standing before Merlyn.
"You are not a Noble." Uther stated bluntly, his eyes staring right into Merlyn's own. "However, your actions today were Noble. You did what had to be done despite the pain it would cause you. Much as you have done before in saving the life of my son."
At this point Merlyn could not speak if she wanted to. "What in the world is going on? Did I hit my head? Has Uther been possessed?" These thoughts and more were swirling through her mind.
"You have done Camelot a great service this day, and it will not go unremarked. For now, it is best if you return to your chambers with Gaius." Uther finished with a tone of impartiality returning to his voice as he stepped away slightly and motioned to the door.
Still numb, but no longer on the verge of hysterics after he bizarre encounter with Uther, Merlyn rose from the floor and barely managed a properly demure, "Thank you my Lord." As she left the room.
A/N: I have had this story idea bouncing around for quite some time. I wanted to see some insight into the thought processes of Uther instead of the 1-dimensional "he's evil" shtick. Also obviously from the story I am a large fan of the Fem!Merlin and wanted to try my hand at a contribution. Maybe I'll turn this into a full story, I'm not sure. Thanks for reading.