Adam would never forgive himself.
It was all his fault, really. Two days before that damned Kerberos mission, the night he and Takashi had the worst fight of their lives, and things were said that they didn't mean.
And mistakes were made.
He had been clean- for a while now, actually. Dealing with internalized homophobia as well as depression took a toll on the average teen, but Takashi helped him and Adam got better.
But now? Oh, Adam hated himself. He could barely look in the mirror, but he had to because he had kids to teach and he'd be damned if he left those kids on their own.
And every night, new cuts would wind up on his arms, his legs and thighs. Because Takashi was dead and the last thing Adam did was walk out on the love of his life.
He thought you hate him, cut.
His last memory of you was you walking out and saying you wouldn't wait for him, cut, cut.
The thoughts continued and the cuts continued until Adam ran out of thoughts. He could barely see the normal, dark skin of both his legs, littered with cuts, ranging from small and shallow to long and deep.
Two years. It's been two years since Takashi- since- since he disappeared.
Not to mention a year and a half since Keith went missing, along with three other Garrison students.
Adam was losing it, first he lost Takashi, and now Keith, stupid, impulsive Keith, who was practically adopted by him Takashi, was gone to.
It was his fault. He didn't try and stop Keith when the boy went into the desert- cut- he never tried to talk with him after his fight with Takashi- cut- now two of the most important people in his life were either missing or dead and he couldn't do anything.
The biggest surprise, to Adam anyway, was he was still alive. He'd tried, oh he'd definitely tried over the course of the past two years. The first time he was found and taken to the hospital before he could bleed out, the last two times there was a voice that kept stopping him.
A voice that sounded specifically like his ex fiancé. Takashi Shirogane.
"I don't get it," Adam whispered as he lay awake one night in their- his- room at the Garrison. Being a teacher, he didn't have to share a room with anyone- anymore.
"Why does he keep saving me!" Adam growled in frustration, tears pricking at the corner of his eyes.
The dark skinned man shot up as a voice echoed through the room. It was whispered, and Adam wasn't sure if he'd actually heard it or if two months without more than 2 hours of sleep was catching up to him.
"I'm still here," A masculine voice had spoken. Adam felt something brush against his cheek softly.
"Wait for me, Adam," It whispered, before Adam felt it vanish.
"Takashi," He whimpered, collapsing to his knees.
Shiro didn't know what to expect when he- died? It was more like his entire being just kind of- evaporated, and now he was stuck on the astral plane, inside the black lion.
He tried contacting Lance, once, when the Blue Paladin was there, but then he'd vanished and Shiro was alone again, watching his clone take his place.
It was kind of weird, but now he could openly laugh at all of Lance's jokes, and criticize the way he and Keith flirted.
He'd been stuck there for about a month and a half when it struck him. When they did end this war, and make it back to Earth Adam- Adam was going to kill him.
The last thing his ex had said before walking out was 'don't die in space' and that's exactly what Shiro did.
And then, in the midst of his thoughts about a certain dirty blond, there was a bright light and he was at the Garrison.
And Adam, the love of his life, the man he proposed to, was slashing his wrists open in their bathroom.
Shiro panicked and managed to get Iverson to go and check on Adam before the man bled out, and he watched over Adam in the medbay.
Over the next six months, Shiro never managed to appear when Adam was cutting. He was, slowly, learning how to work the astral plane and he could only gather enough energy to get to Adam in his darkest moments, but it broke Shiro's heart every fucking time.
"Why does he keep saving me!" Adam had tears in his eyes. Shiro watched Adam from across the room, his heart twisting. He'd figured that Adam would hear- something- that stopped him from k-... from killing himself the past two times.
Shiro sighed softly, reaching toward Adam. He was surprised when the other man shot up, eyes alert.
"I'm still here," Shiro whispered, brushing his thumb over Adam's cheek. "Wait for me, Adam,"
Shiro began to vanish then, never being able to stay for very long. But the last thing he heard was a broken "Takashi," and he wanted to rip Zarkon into pieces for keeping Shiro away from the love of his life.
"Shiro?" Keith asked when the older man had finally gotten out of the cryo pod.
Everyone had thought the castle had been destroyed, but in reality it had been shrunken down to the size of a finger. Luckily, Team Voltron not only had a skilled engineer and a crazy alien mechanic, but they had a super genius Green Paladin who could definitely take over the world if they tried.
Together with Hunk and Coran (along with some help from Allura), Pidge made a shrink ray, and reversed the flow of energy. They powered it up just enough for one use, and they returned the castle to its original size.
The team easily fell back into their original roles, and Allura was all too happy to let Lance pilot Blue again. She loved the lion, but the two females just didn't click like Blue and Lance.
"When I was in the astral place," Shiro began, sitting beside the Black Lion. "I had to learn how to control everything. And I was kind of like a ghost, I could watch everything going on at the castle. Like how you and Lance flirt in the strangest of ways, or that Pidge needs to get more sleep or I'll knock them unconscious so they get at least three hours,"
Keith pointedly ignored the thing about he and Lance, and hoped Shiro didn't notice the blush tainting his cheeks.
"I managed to appear on Earth," Shiro whispered, "And I- We need to get back, Keith. Quickly,"
"Is he okay?" Keith asked. Shiro didn't answer. It had been about a month since the whole fight went down between fake-Shiro and Keith, a month since he'd left the astral plane. Shiro could only hope that Adam would hold on.
"I'm going to fucking kill you!" Adam yelled, dashing after Matt. The two were practically best friends, and when he saw Matt return to Earth with a bunch of aliens and yet pointedly forget to tell him Shiro was alive, he got pissed.
"In truth, I can't say anything!" Matt exclaimed, causing Adam to raise an eyebrow, waving his hand in a 'go on' gesture.
"The Paladins are always in danger," Matt began softly, "All I can do is pray to God that Pidge and everyone is okay,"
"I'm still mad at you," Adam forced a smile.
"Stop that," Matt looked at his friend, "I'm not gonna push, but you know I hate it when you fake smile. It's creepy,"
"Bitch," Adam blew raspberries at the younger boy.
"Ready?" Pidge asked. Shiro thought they were more excited than they should've been about re-attaching his arm. Almost three months since Shiro's return now.
"Yes," He replied.
"Alright, so, what I did when I took it off was I basically dissected it," Pidge began, "Lot's of science-y shit me and Hunk did taking it apart, but what the main thing was was that I took away anything Galra. Everything about this is powered by Altean engineering now, that's why it's white and blue and gray instead of, you know, multiple shades of purple," Pidge rambled on as they re-attached the arm.
"What I focused on was making it more comfortable for your arm, less like a dead weight and more like an actual limb. Of course, it still does the Galra-tech stuff it used to, like the super-nova hot glowing hand that can turn into a blade `n stuff, since it's the same arm. Just, you know. Not evil. I'm talking about Haggar, though, since we have Galran friends," Pidge stepped back, examining their work. "How's it feel?"
Shiro looked down. They were right, it was the exact same arm, just a different color. And it felt different- like how his actual arm had felt when he still had it.
He flexed his fingers first, before rolling his shoulder. He smiled at the Green Paladin, "It feels great. Thanks Pidge,"
"No problemo Space Dad," Pidge mock saluted, dashing away to inspect the parts and codes they'd taken from his older arm.
"Paladins!" Allura's voice came over the comms, "Get to the hull immediately,"
Shiro chuckled as he heard Pidge groan from one end of the hallway before turning and sprinting in the opposite direction.
"What's going on?" Keith asked, him and Lance walking in from an empty hallway. Shiro decided not to think about that.
"We'll be entering Earth's atmosphere in a tic, ready positions," Coran called back to them. Shiro tensed but nodded, moving to his position.
Adam watched as the families all ran as the ginormous space castle entered their atmosphere. Samuel Holt had received a transmission saying the Paladins were landing.
Three years Shiro was gone, and now he was coming back. Adam didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
He stood off to the side, watching with his arms hugging himself in an almost protective manner. He squinted through the dust as a door opened and a group of people spilled out.
He recognized Pidge Gunderson, previously Katie Holt, wearing a green armor uniform and darting toward their mother. Hunk Garrett and Lance McClain were also there, in yellow and blue respectively, and Adam immediately knew something was there by the way Keith, clad in a red armor uniform, kept sending nervous glances to the McClain family. Speaking of which…
The first thing Adam noticed was how much Keith had grown. He was taller, and that insufferable mullet was even longer, to Adam's exasperation.
"Just because you're in space doesn't justify never getting a haircut," Adam shook his head. Keith's eyes snapped to him and the, now nineteen year old almost tackled him with the force of his hug.
"I'm sorry," Adam muttered to the shorter boy, "I- After everything I- I just let you run off into the dessert and we barely ever talked and- I'm sorry,"
"Nah," Keith grinned, pulling back. "That's on me being a punk ass kid,"
The brown and gold eyed man smirked. "This is another true fact," A flash of white had Adam holding his breath.
Walking off the ship, clad in a black armor uniform because that man doesn't know what color is, Jesus Christ, was Takashi Shirogane.
His eyes were immediately drawn to the white hair and the first thing Adam wondered was what did these teenagers do to make Takashi get that stressed?
The second thing was that his right fucking arm was made of metal and Adam felt sick to his stomach and then he remembered that it's Takashi Shirogane and he nearly bolted then and there.
But his stupid adopted punk child had other ideas.
"Don't run this time," Keith said softly, gripping Adam's forearm until the dirty blond nodded in agreement.
He almost passed out when he and Takashi locked eyes.
Adam was frozen as Takashi started in his direction and Adam was praying that this was a dream because he was an idiot and he never should've said any of that shit to Takashi, never should've made him choose and- what was he supposed to even say?
Keith held his breath as he watched Shiro, his mentor, walk forward. This was his family, his dysfunctional, messed up, self-deprecating, exceptionally gay family and Keith was terrified that Adam and Shiro wouldn't get passed this because he couldn't just choose one of them (thought if he did, and he would never tell Shiro, Adam would be his first choice). Keith was vaguely aware that the other members of Team Voltron were watching the reunion, some confused and some intrigued. Some, like the Holts, were anxious.
Shiro stopped directly in front of Adam, who was refusing eye contact because this was Takashi and-
Adam let out an audible gasp as strong arms pulled him forward, crushing him in a hug.
And it was like a damn broke because Adam started shaking before he crumpled, clutching Shiro just as tightly.
He's alive was going through both of their minds.
"Nice hair, asshole," Adam sniffed, pulling away slightly.
"Kinda what happens when you die," Shiro admitted guiltily, scratching at the back of his neck.
Adam's head snapped up. "What?"
"What?" Shiro's eyes widened as Adam's narrowed. The now white haired man took a step back.
"Takashi Shirogane you what?" Adam stared at the love of his life. Shiro held his hands up.
"Now, okay- Adam- Wait, fuck, Adam- Listen-" Shiro ducked as Adam swung a fist at him.
"What was the one thing I asked you not to do?" Adam yelled, chasing after the taller man as Shiro darted, hiding behind anyone and everyone.
"Die in space," Shiro cringed, standing barely a few feet in front of Adam, with nothing between them.
"And what did you do?" Adam glowered.
"Die in space," Shiro grinned sheepishly. Adam stalked forward, shoving the taller man lightly in the chest.
"Asshole," Adam shook his head. Shiro's grin became a genuine smile and he leaned down, connecting their lips softly.
"What kind of relationship is this?" Allura asked, incredulous. Keith smirked, arms crossed.
"Adam and Shiro,"
"So," Adam began. He and Shiro were sat on their old bed, across from one another, in pyjamas, old shorts and a long sleeved sweatshirt and plaid pyjama pants respectively.
"So," Shiro repeated warily. They locked eyes and Adam felt everything bubbling up inside him.
"Fuck i- fuck, Takashi I'm so sorry. I was angry, and scared and I didn't- I didn't know what would happen and I was so angry and worried but- I shouldn't have said what I said and I need you to know I didn't mean any of it, okay, I swear I-"
"I know," Shiro smiled. "But I should've talked with you first before even signing up for the Kerberos mission,"
"A valid point," Adam nodded in agreement.
"Shut it, I'm trying to apologize," Shiro deadpanned. "But- I don't regret it,"
"I know. Obviously, there were things that we should've gone over and talked through- that situation could've gone so much better," Adam mumbled, picking at the sleeves of his shirt.
"Agreed," Shiro said. "But- Do you want to try again? With us, I mean," Adam glanced up and Shiro felt his heart stop when he looked at those eyes, one brown and one gold, and- fuck he was doomed.
"Do you?" The dirty blond asked in return.
"Yes," Shiro didn't hesitate. "A thousand times yes but- If you don't want this then I'll respect that-"
"You're the love of my life and the bain of my existence, Takashi Shirogane," Adam cut him off. "That hasn't changed- It won't change,"
Shiro grinned brightly and he looked so happy and cute and- fuck, Adam was a goner, he was so entranced.
"So what's space like?" Adam asked, for two reasons. to deflect from Earth, and he was genuinely curious.
"Weird," Shiro laughed, throwing his head back. "There was one incident where we went to a space mall and I let the Paladins go on their own,"
"Oh god, how was that disaster?" Adam snickered, the two subconsciously moving to lie down beside each other.
"Lance bought a cow, Pidge almost got arrested, Hunk got imprisoned in a kitchen to cook for the rest of his life and Keith stole a knife. They all got kicked out," Adam laughed loudly at Shiro's explanation.
"Of course he was knife shopping," Adam rolled his eyes. He turned his head to the left, and Shiro was there, smiling at him.
Adam went red, laughing nervously. "What?"
"I missed you," Shiro whispered. "A lot,"
Adam's face turned a darker shade of red, if possible, and he turned over, hiding his face in a pillow. Shiro laughed, wrapping an arm around Adam's waist to pull him closer and both men froze when Shiro could feel Adam's ribs through the material.
"Adam," Shiro whispered softly, pulling the older man flush against his chest.
"Don't," Adam trembled, "Don't fucking 'Adam' me because you know I'll spill everything and-"
"I already knew," Shiro cut in. Adam stopped, his left hand resting on Shiro's as he listened.
And thus began Shiro explaining everything, from the Kerberos mission to being brought back to Earth to being taken to Castle by Blue. When he got to the fight with Zarkon Adam turned around quickly, hugging Shiro tightly. Adam kept his face hidden in Shiro's chest as he explained being stuck on the astral plane, skipping ahead to the fight between Keith and his clone.
"I was in the astral plane for a long time," Shiro began after explaining everything else. "At least three months, maybe more. But I was there and- the first time was an accident," He pulled away, moving their positions so he was sat with his back against the wall and Adam sitting on his, facing him.
Gently, Shiro pulled back the ends of Adam's sleeves, only showing his wrists. "I was thinking about you- how I did the one thing you told me not to do," Shiro smiled a bit at that, "And I was thinking about you and I just- appeared. I vanished from Black and I appeared in the bathroom and- and- you were,"
"Two years ago," Adam looked down at his hands in shame. "You'd barely been gone a year and then I found out Keith was gone as well as a trio of Garrison students and I lost it- I-" He was cut off by soft lips connecting to his.
Shiro pulled back for air, resting his forehead on Adam's. "I panicked. I went to Iverson's office and started yelling that he needed to go and see you- I guess he heard something because he got up and found you. When you were in the medbay I faded away and I was back in space, so I started learning how to gather energy there because I had to see you I- I was gone and you were in pain and-" Tears were pooling in Shiro's eyes, "And I couldn't do anything I couldn't help you and I had to watch you hurt like that, and I lost it when I was there. I would lose it and scream sometimes cause- fuck, Adam you- you mean everything to me," Tears streamed down both their faces but Shiro had to continue- for both their sakes, "It was hard It took a lot of time, and patience to get it right, and even then I could only get to you a few times-"
"Two months after," Adam whispered, Shiro's thumb brushing at his neck. "I was- I was gonna hang myself because I couldn't take it but then I heard you, I heard your voice. And then- eight months ago. It was so long and I just stopped because I didn't have hope, my family was gone and I-I-" Adam shook his head, both of them full on crying now.
"After that I saw you one last time before I was found," If Shiro never had to watch Adam be in pain again it wouldn't be enough.
"I'm still here," Adam remembered the words clearly.
"Wait for me, Adam," Shiro breathed, tears rolling down his own cheeks until Adam brushed them away. He never wanted to see Takashi cry again, it hurt his everything seeing him cry.
"When I got out I was so fucking scared that we wouldn't make it to Earth in time," Shiro whispered, leaning into the hand that cupped his cheek. "Seeing you… It meant everything,"
Silence.
"I hated myself," Adam whispered. "It was just after you'd been announced dead but- I knew. Even before then I already knew that something was wrong and then everything hurt and I could barely breathe and I remembered all the shit I said to you before you left and it hurt," Adam laughed, but it was hollow, "It was my fault, maybe if I'd said something or done something you would've been okay, and that's when I- when I started again," His wrists twitched and it made Shiro want to rip someone into pieces, anyone because Adam was hurt, he still was hurting and it burned.
"I had already barely spoken with Keith after our fight," Adam took in a sharp breath, "And then I didn't even stop him from going out to hide in the desert- my fault, again. I should've done more, should've done better. But I didn't, because I'm a screw up and my entire family was gone the most important people in the world to me were gone because of me and that- that was the first time I- I tried," Adam's lip quivered but he held it in, " And then whenever I would go and try I kept hearing you and then just a few months ago I-" His crying broke off into sobs, like a dam breaking. "I didn't get it I kept hearing you saving me and I hated it! I hated it because I didn't want to be alive anymore because I lost everything and it hurt, it hurt so fucking much, Takashi, and then I heard your voice and everything broke and I didn't know what to do!" He was full on sobbing as he spoke, gasping for air.
Shiro sat up, pulling Adam into a fierce hug as the smaller boy hid his face in the crook of Shiro's neck, sobbing.
"And it still hurts and I don't know what to do because everything hurts and I don't want to hurt myself anymore but when I don't I can't stop crying and it- I- I had to live through your death! You and Keith, I had to live through both of you going missing and then being presumed dead and I had to grieve you and it broke me and I'm so fucking relieved and happy that you're both alive but it still hurts so fucking much and now I'm terrified you'll both be- be gone and- and I- I can't breathe- Takashi I can't- I can't breathe!" Adam pulled away. He was gasping, barely getting any air and he couldn't stop sobbing either and he was panicking.
"I love you," Shiro whispered, pressing a feather light kiss to Adam's forehead. "I love you, I love you, I love you, and I need you to breath for me," He placed kisses all across Adam's face between each declaration. "I'm here, and I'm alive, and so is Keith. Breathe in for 4 seconds and hold it for 7 seconds. I am so, so sorry you had to go through any of that, and now you'll be stuck with me forever because I have an increasingly terrible case of separation anxiety. Breathe out for 8 seconds," He placed kisses up Adam's neck, relieved when Adam's breathing began to slow. "I will never, ever leave you again, and I love you. I will never let you feel like this again, ever. I promise you, Adam," Shiro kissed him softly on the lips before pulling back, knowing Adam needed as much air as possible.
"You better fucking not," Adam sniffed, falling forward to rest his head back in the crook of Shiro's neck. He wasn't surprised when Adam fell asleep soon after, having cried himself into exhaustion.
Adam woke up the next morning and blinked. He was exhausted, and- why were there arms around him?
He glance back, seeing Takashi, his Takashi, and everything came rushing back to him so now he can add being a burden to his list of disgusting qualities.
Adam felt the familiar sensation crawling up his arms, the familiar churning in his stomach and felt his heart twisting and he buried himself farther into Shiro.
He needed to stop, he had to stop because hurting himself wasn't going to do anything but make Takashi hurt and Adam couldn't do that.
But he always felt better afterwards…
No, he couldn't, he shouldn't, it's not fair, he's only being hard on himself and causing his body more damage.
That's what his Garrison issued therapist said before he stopped going, anyway. She always gave the same advice, and it didn't stop the pain in his chest so he just stopped going, it was a waste of time.
Adam didn't know how long he laid there, shaking, as he fought himself before the arms around him tightened.
"Where are they?" Shiro asked.
Adam didn't give himself time to talk himself out of it. "My desk, small bottom drawer, in a wooden box,"
Shiro was up and opening the drawer in seconds. When he returned from flushing the blades down the toilet, Adam was sitting with his knees pulled to his chest, and his eyes were wide in panic.
"It still hurts, Takashi it still hurts and I don't know why," Adam clenched his hands into fists and he was shaking and he- he needed his blades, he needed something.
He made to move, thinking of a pencil, or just his own finger nails, or nail clippers or something when two hands gently grabbed his, pulling them to lay flat against a bare chest.
Adam saw the tears in Takashi's eyes and he could feel him he's alive he's alive he's alive and he was in hysterics again, and he couldn't stop sobbing into Takashi's chest except this time another pair of eyes was crying with him.
Takashi felt his chest tighten when Adam was crying again, because this was Adam, the love of his life, and he was in so much pain and he didn't know why or how to handle it and it hurt Takashi seeing all of that.
From the household he grew up in, Adam already had trouble identifying and explaining his emotions, but at the Garrison, with Takashi, he got better and he could feel things and understand what he felt like any other person but this was so intense and painful and Adam had no idea what it was.
Keith was frozen outside the door. He was going to see if they wanted breakfast but then he could hear Adam in hysterics and those were practically his brothers, that was his family.
"What's happ-p-p-penin-ng t-to m-m-me-e?" Adam stuttered, clutching onto Shiro like a lifeline.
"Your grieving," Shiro whispered. "You had finally managed to accept that we were gone, and when the Castle landed on Earth all of those walls broke and now it's overwhelming. You're relieved that we're alive, but also angry. And you're still blaming yourself for everything that happened," Shiro pulled Adam closer, and being able to see all of Adam's bones made his voice crack.
Outside their room, Lance was leading Keith away from the door, giving the couple their moment.
"I-I don-on't-t-t want it to-to hurt I- fuck," Adam swore, tears cascading down his cheeks faster than he could blink them away.
"I'll be here," Shiro whispered, "I'm never leaving you again, remember?"
As was written long ago, time heals all wounds.
It was not an easy road, it was long, and hard, and painful. There were many days where Adam almost relapsed, and Shiro couldn't handle seeing Adam in so much pain that sometimes he just broke down.
"You're finally doing it," Pidge grinned, hands in their pockets. Adam breathed nervously.
A year had passed before Adam was able to fully tame all of his anguish. It was the worst feeling he'd ever had the torture to experience and should Takashi ever feel even remotely the same Adam would destroy whoever was responsible.
"It'll be fine," Keith clapped Shiro on the shoulder from where they stood, waiting. Takashi nodded, fidgeting with his white tux jacket.
Three years had passed. At the ripe age of 27, they were finally, finally doing what had been set in stone all those years ago.
Shiro swore Adam never looked more beautiful than when he walked down the aisle in a black tux.
Adam, once again, felt like passing out when the couple locked eyes, but looking again, he was filled with a rush of reassurance.
"Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today…"
Love cannot be explained simply as an emotion. Love is an experience. Once you have known heartache, and true pain, you will know love. They say time heals all wounds, but that is not true. Love heals all wounds, and time wipes away the damage left behind, allowing you to move forward.