a/n: Holmes and companions do not belong to me. I am also merely borrowing the wondeful rhyming patterns of "A Modern Major General"
A Gilbert and Sullivan inspired take on life at 221B. Written for medcat, with thanks.
A Modern Criminologist
I am the very model of a modern criminologist
And proof that magnifying glass and Gladstone bag can co-exist.
I spend my days investigating all events nefarious
And spend my nights in Baker Street with pipe and Stradivarius.
I'm also quite an expert on tobacco and its origin,
I clarify my theories while I pace around with violin.
My enemies are numerous; they doubt that I can better them,
And those which are most dangerous are listed under letter "M"
The men who work at Scotland Yard have cases which have not been solved;
They hope that I can tell them all about the criminals involved.
As long as Gladstone bag and magnifying glass can co-exist,
I am the very model of a modern criminologist
~o~
My clients are impressed when I give details of their history
Explaining how I do it sheds a certain layer of mystery,
Observing, not just seeing, is the key to my success in this;
Most others just ignore the many features I find hard to miss.
Although I've worked alone before, I find that there's a better way
A trusty friend, prepared to join me in a rapid getaway.
A man who wields a pistol or a stethoscope with equal ease;
Who wouldn't want a comrade who had useful talents such as these?
Someone who's impressed with my deductions, whether big or small
A Boswell who's decided it's his duty to record it all.
As long as Gladstone bag and magnifying glass can co-exist
I am the very model of a modern criminologist.
~o~
If piqued with curiosity, then buy a copy of the Strand
Examine it quite carefully; I'm certain you will understand
The range of my adventures, but ignore the odd dramatic twist;
The only disadvantage of a scribe who's a romanticist.
There are politicians, cormorants, a giant rat, a spectral hound
A lighthouse, a repulsive leech, and vital letters to be found;
A woman who has bested me, a death by waterfall I've feigned,
And even a canary which a criminal has fully trained.
Royalty and commoners, all classes in between I've met;
A red-haired man, an engineer and several girls named Violet.
So where a Gladstone bag and magnifying glass can co-exist
Resides the very model of a modern criminologist.
~0~