Dear Diary,

Joe. Joe. Joe. His name still echo's in my head. He's nothing short of my everything. And I am nothing to him. I am a friend, the girl he goes to for advice about Stella. Stella Alyssa Malone. The Blonde beautiful girl who had Joe's heart. The girl who was not me. I knew better than to love Joe Lucas , he was Stella's.

Stella is my best friend. I had always secretly desired for her pretty blonde hair or her popularity. But never had I hated her because of what she had. Or who she had for that matter.

Joe, the moment I realized I loved him was the day I saw him and Stella share a passionate kiss in the atrium. Have you ever felt the feeling where your stomach drop, and you swear that your heart stops beating. It feels like someone is blowing up your lungs like a balloon.

Everyone thinks I am fine. I'm just acting. I don't play sports anymore but they don't know that. I tell them I have practice, but I go home and do IT.

After 4 months of the pain I decided that I had to something to take the pain away. I started cutting myself. You know people always make fun of emo's, but they just don't understand the amount of pain you have to be in to go through that. I had cut up my arms so badly that I had to move onto my legs. I had angry red scars along my limbs. Nobody noticed because I changed my wardrobe.

Just then my cell phone started to blare.

" Hello?" I asked once I had flipped it open.

" Hey Mace, Its Stella!" She squealed into the phone.

Oh man. Just another reminder of my pain. " Listen Stel I'm really tired I'm just gonna go take a nap" And make a few more cuts, I added silently to myself.

" Wait Mace the news is that we're getting married!" He screamed into my ear. I threw my phone across the room, breaking into pieces. Just like my heart. Married. The most permanent bond two people can have.

All of a sudden I imagined Stella walking down the aisle. With me in front of her, as a brides maid. I felt the burning pain even from the vision. I made a life changing decision. Or rather a life ending decision. Grabbing a piece of paper I wrought out a note for all my friends and family.

Then I grabbed a medium sized blade form the kitchen, I felt the cool metal glide on my skin. As it cut me tears came to my eyes. Bloody tears dripped form my arm and onto my lap.

You know how in movies before you die you see a flashback of your life? Thankfully that didn't happen to me. Who wanted a rerun anyways? All the pain and suffering?

Well I saw the people I loved. I saw Kevin, Stella, Mum, Dad, Nick and Joe. Joe's name and face still burned my heart. The pictures started to dim and my last thought was

I'm Sorry

No one's POV

Macy Marilyn Misa was dead. When she didn't show up for school her parents sent the boys and Stella to see if she was ok. Kevin was the first to see her. Then Stella, Then Nick, then Joe.

THE NEXT DAY

Stella, The Lucas family and the Misa' were sitting at the police station.

" Everyone she wrote a suicide letter, the outside was addressed to all or you.

He took a deep breath and started to read it.

" Dear everyone.

I'm sorry. I know you will all wonder why I did it. I have been doing it for a while. Just remember that all scars don't heal, and that all wounds don't show. I'm sure the scars on my arms and legs are frightening enough. What about the scars on my heart? And the wounds to my soul? Those hurt more than real scars could ever. Just because you can't see them doesn't mean they aren't there. Cutting only really helps for a minute. The pain helps you focus on something else. But as the blood drips from your cut the pain returns. This way the pain will end.

I wrote this letter so you can finally understand. Joe and Stella. That is the reason for this, Joe I love you more than I have ever loved anyone. I thought I could hold on but I was wrong.

Mom. I love you and I'm sorry. Your baby girl just couldn't do it anymore. But you have to understand. The more you love something the more it will hurt. I loved Joe more than the world. I needed guidance to get through the day, and a blade to get through the night. You didn't give me that guidance.

Dad. I love you and I'm sorry. Your little princess needed you and you turned your back. Dad's are supposed to be there to pick you up when you fall but you left me on the floor. You know that old poem? Sticks and Stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me? Well love hurt me. It hurt me more than material things ever could.

Nick. You were my best guy friend. I'm sorry. But the pain I had dug a hole in my heart, my heart will never be the same. Mean words will make you cry, but silence will break your heart. I thought you would notice. I guess you were too busy to notice. I felt as If the whole world turned its back on me. My heart no longer bleeds because it has turned to stone. As my legs started to shake, the time I needed you more than air, you didn't come. I know you will blame yourself if you have to blame someone blame me. I found a poem I wrote the other day,

I'm gonna draw

a picture

with a twist

I'll draw it on my wrist

Kevin. You were like my brother. You had one flaw, you didn't protect me when I needed you the most. When I had to have it or I would break. Sometimes fate has a cruel way of putting things together. You can't die of a broken heart but most of the time I wished I could. You know the feeling when your heart explodes and your world collapses. That's the feeling that overwhelmed me no matter how much I tried to break free. I find it ironic that the only person that broke you can fix you again. The problem was that nobody was trying to fix me.

Stella. I'm going to miss you, you must feel bad because you were part of my pain. I know you didn't mean too. The last phone call you made to me was what made up my mind. I couldn't bear the pain of knowing how happy everyone is, while my heart is shattered. Believe me, I am crying for the memories that I will leave. But when something's broken it can never be whole again. Sure it might be reconnected but there will always be cracks and pieces missing. It's like my heart. I do to my body what has been done to my soul.

Joe. I can only imagine your pain. But you will never hurt as much as I did in one day. I wanna die. I wanna bleed. All I can do is keep walking and pretend that the scars aren't really there. The weirdest thing happened. I woke up to teary eyes, with one rolling down my cheek. I knew I must have been dreaming of you and Stella again. I know one day you are going to look back and think Damn that girl really did love me. I don't want you to forget. You can't really see the beauty of something until it's not there. I hope that make you think of me.

So now you all know what my life has been like for the past 2 years. I hope you all love and remember me. Just know that I'm in a better place. In a place where there is no pain.

Love you all,

Macy Marilyn Misa

Born October 12 1992

Died May 28 2009