My Sharon Raydor
It was just after 7 pm when I noticed her.
She stood across the street. Her hair was pulled into a neat bun. Her black pants suit blended into the darkness of the night. Dark eyes, deeper than the sea stared back at me. A wealth of questions rang through without the use of words.
I stood in the window of my two story Victorian style home. The fogged slowly dropped and my Los Angeles Street was caked in a white blanket. I could no longer see the brown haired woman but I could sense her presence. I knew she could see me fore I felt her eyes burn a hole in my soul. My conscience screamed at me. It told me I was wrong, that I had to prove myself to her.
I sat at the kitchen table across from him. Anger radiated from his body. His heavy breathing was apparent from the rise and fall of his well sculpted abs. He would take that anger out on me. He did every time. Each time was worse. It had grown difficult to hide each bruise. People had become suspicious when I wore long sleeve shirts in the spring and long pants in the summer.
"How long?"
"Five months."
"How often?"
"Whenever you were out of town."
"Why her?"
In my head, I think, "Because she is everything you're not." But I do not say this to him. I do not say anything.
This enraged him. He stood and his large hand found its way to my cheek, but I felt nothing. Over time, I had become immune to the pain. I knew what it felt like to be struck with that amount of power. But this time, the jewel of his ring broke the skin on my face. I felt a sting on pain and blood dripped down the side of my face. I would feel the emotional pain later but I refused to give him the satisfaction of knowing he had hurt me once again. My hope is that one day he would give up but that day has yet to come. He was no more than a playground bully. But he was one that never grew tired of the game. I could leave, but I knew he would follow. I could hide, but I knew he would seek. I did not have the financial resources to disappear. Neither did she. And she had children. If I left, he would kill her, if she'd not already died of a broken heart, and then kill me.
"We're moving."
Those were his final words for the night. He left me in the kitchen, retiring to the bedroom for the night. I moved to figure out a technique to cover the latest sign of abuse. I winced as I cleaned the wound. The gash was not deep but would require stitches to close it. The sutures I performed on myself would be visible to anyone to cared enough about me to give my face a second look.
I turned in my letter of resignation the next day. The men in my team stole glances at me throughout the day, none of them willing to approach me, until Andy Flynn found the nerve.
"Chief?" He asked, poking his head into my office.
"Yes, Lieutenant Flynn?"
"Are you alright?" The stitches on my face were visible. No amount of cover up would have been able to hide it. They all knew. I felt ashamed. Here I was, as CIA trained interrogator, highest ranking woman in the LAPD, being abused. I wanted to laugh but figured it would be inappropriate considering the gravity of the situation.
"To tell you the truth, I don't know." I told him honestly.
"Have you told Raydor?" I paused and blinked for a moment, realizing what this question implied. They knew about my affair. I paused again. How could they not know? They were my closest friends and trained detectives. A blind man could see the sadness in me each night I had to spend in his arms and not hers. The days I came in looking like I needed more than a good cup of coffee were the days that I cried myself to sleep-the nights that I missed being with her.
"Y'll knew?" I asked him out of pure curiosity.
"The better question is: who didn't?" He told me jokingly. I smiled, but I was sure the gesture did not reach my eyes. "We know love when we see it. So, have you told her?"
"No, I haven't."
"I think you should. It's not fair for her to find out from someone else. She deserves that, at least."
"Thank you, Andy."I have him the most genuine smile I could muster as he walked out of the room, closing the door behind him. I suddenly felt cold and alone.
That evening, I sat outside her red brick house. The lights were on. There was a wealth of activity inside which I could not see. Shadows moved back and forth behind closed curtains. I knew there was activity because I'd been there to witness it many times before. At this point, I thought this could be my last time witnessing the lives of the three people I loved more than anything. I leaned back in the driver's seat as my car hummed in the night.
I was scared. How do you tell the woman that you love that you're leaving her to satisfy your abusive husband's whims? She would never let me go. She would make me stay with her. I wanted to. My thudding heart told me to but my brain told me otherwise. I couldn't stay. I would be putting her in danger. Her family-our family. Her children accepted me as their own. I was their second mother in the absence of their absentee father. They were the children I never could have with my career. I was a cop. My life is put in danger daily. My body couldn't handle the nine months that a pregnancy takes. From being thrown against the wall by suspects and the stress of running a department, I was unable to carry a child to term. The thought of leaving the two wonderful children I gained from this relationship tore my heart in two. Life without them would be unbearable. I imagined it being a black abyss of nothing. I would fall deeper and deeper with no one to catch me. I would just keep falling until I finally hit a black bottom: death. After that, I would no longer feel pain.
A knock at my car window tore me from my thoughts.
Bright hazel eyes met mine though the glass. I rolled down the window and *felt the crisp breeze kiss my cheeks*. I wiped the tears I hadn't realized I'd shed.
"Aunt Brenda, are you coming in? Dinner is ready. Why are you crying?" Nathaniel asked, the wind blowing brown bangs from his face
"I'm coming baby. Go inside with Mommy and Emma." He took one last look at me before running inside in search of warmth. I got out of the car and locked it behind me. She met me at the door with a look of pure anger. I felt shame. The front door was closed.
"When were you planning on telling me?" I could feel dark hazel eyes burning a hole through me but I could not look her in the eyes. That would be my breaking point. The mixture of pain and anger would bring me to my knees. I couldn't break. "You didn't plan on telling me." It was a statement of fact, not a question. I didn't know how to tell her. I was so afraid of losing her to him that I was pushing her away all on my own.
I returned her statement with silence. What could I say? My throat was dry. I couldn't find words.
"Why, Brenda Leigh? Why do you go back to him? You could have a family, our family, a safe home. Why? Have I just been a momentary escape? I don't deserve that- my children don't deserve that. They think of you as their second mother, more than me in some ways and each time you leave, they hurt. I hurt." I felt the pain in each word. I hurt her. I didn't know that I hurt her. When she hurt, I hurt. I was selfish. I put my own needs before hers. She lifted my face to meet her gaze. Tears flowed freely down pale skin. This was not Sharon Raydor. This was a woman in pain. The Sharon Raydor- my Sharon Raydor never showed weakness. She fought like hell to be strong. My Sharon Raydor didn't openly cry. My Sharon Raydor kicked and screamed but she never cried. I wanted more than anything to take her in my arms and tell her that everything would be alright. I looked into her eyes and my resolve broke.
"I do love you. I love our children. I want to be here every night. I want to be your girlfriend. I love you more than anything. I would die for you and that's what I'm doing by leaving. It is not safe. He would hurt you. I can't let that happen. I love you all too much to allow that to happen."
"I can protect myself and my family. I can't protect you unless you allow me to. Stay with me-with us. I'll protect. I'll stay up all night with a pistol in my lap if it means you're lying next to me. Please don't go. Stay with me." Strong arms grasped my face and pulled me into a kiss. I was frozen for a moment, too shocked to move. I quickly melted in to infinite bliss.
The feeling of cold hands on my waist brought me to my senses.
"Why were you standing outside?"
"I was just thinking." A coarse voice but feminine voice told me.
"You were thinking, outside, in the cold, at 7 o'clock at night?"
"Yes."
"About what?"
"How happy I am that you decided to stay with me."
"I'm happy I decided to stay too." She laid her head on my shoulder, her arms around my waist. I learned into her body. It felt right here. We fit perfectly together I prayed that we could stay like this for all of eternity. I turned in her arms and found hazel eyes.
"I love you, Sharon Raydor- Johnson." I told her. I closed the distance and pressed our lips together. Hers were cold, but it made no difference to me. As long as they belonged to her, I was happy. She pulled back first.
"I love you too, Brenda Leigh Johnson- Raydor. Thank you for not leaving."
"Thank you for keeping me."I stood the arms of my Sharon Raydor and I felt complete and utter bliss.