Cynical Santa : Twas the Night Before Christmas
A/N: Okay, if you haven't seen "The Santa Claus" by Tim Allen, you're beyond help. Haha, well, um, it's a good movie, and I thought that since the holidays are coming, I figured that my readers needed something to get them in the spirit. I want you to picture this, just picture this, and then read : Hiei in Santa's clothes. Good. Now read and review!
I
It was Christmas Eve, and the Rekai Tentei was doing what normal people normally do on that particular day. They partied into the night like animals. Yusuke drank beer, occasionally giving Kuwabara a hard slug on the shoulder. Keiko was sipping champagne with Botan, Yukina, and Shizuru. Kurama and Hiei were leaning against the wall, watching the insanity of Yusuke and Kuwabara under the influence. Hiei couldn't help smirking and even chuckling at some of their antics.
Even Genkai came in to join the fun.
They drank. They sang. And, when the clock struck eleven, they all gathered under a large tree decorated in colorful spheres and strands of lights.
Everyone got presents from... everyone. Botan got a package of makeup from Shizuru, and some nail polish from Keiko. Yukina gave her a beautiful necklace that was finest silver that the ferry girl had ever touched that had a snowflake dangling on the chain. Kurama gave her a bracelet that was constructed of tiny silver roses. Kuwabara gave her a head band of love, making the poor ferry girl twitch and laugh nervously. Yusuke gave her a black thong as a joke, and he was pummeled by Keiko, and to Botan's surprise, Hiei as well.
"You baka! Don't disrespect the onna!"
The entire room was silent as Hiei held the ex-detective by the collar, but then let him fall to the ground, stalking back to his spot next to Kurama, his shoulders tensed. To ease the confusion, Botan did Hiei a favor to get the attention off of him and onto her and Keiko.
"Thanks Yusuke, but I think Keiko would appreciate these more than me."
Closing one pink eye and biting her lip, Botan used the lingerie like they were a slingshot and shot them over to Keiko, who turned bright red when they landed on her lap. Then, well, there was a small present, tucked away and that was barely noticeable. It was black and sleek, and that was when Botan realized that it wasn't even wrapped. It was a wooden box.
The ferry girl looked around, to make sure that everyone was preoccupied with their own gifts. Would Hiei actually give me a present? She opened the box slowly, a bit cautious about what could be inside. That was when she saw a rock. It was a rock, to put it simply. But, Botan knew just what it was, and it made her grin happily. It was turquoise, the gemstone that was light blue. It was very similar to her and Yukina's hair.
Botan looked up, her cheeks slightly flushed and her head a bit light from the champagne. Her pink eyes went to Hiei, who was sitting directly across from her. His eyes locked with hers, and his glare intensified, daring her to mention it. She bit her lip, but then smiled at him kindly, tucking the stone away into the box. She looked around, breaking the eye contact. She didn't see the Koorime turn a bit pink when she smiled at him, or when she accepted his gift without words.
II
Hiei was frustrated and angry. This was all Kurama's fault. He was the one who talked him into coming by threatening to reveal his identity to his sister. Not only that, but he also forced him to buy presents. Presents! Even... the baka ferry onna.
She probably won't even think it was from me! That was when she pulled out a pair of underwear from Yusuke. Hiei admitted that he over reacted. But still, disrespecting any woman was just disgusting.
There was a silence after he had yelled at Yusuke. The fire demon closed his eyes, hissing to himself. Nice one Hiei. That was when something flew past him and hit Yusuke's onna. To his surprise, it was the underwear.
He was actually glad that the baka onna did that. Everyone was laughing at the two of them that they forgot all about the little outburst beforehand. That was when she opened it. His gift.
Her eyes widened as she took out the stone, running her slender fingers over the smooth surface. He saw everything. Noticed everything. The way her eyes sparkled and her mouth opened slightly in awe. That was when she looked at him. Hiei glared at her. She looked a bit nervous at first, but then she smiled at him.
This made Hiei even more angry. Why did she have to be so... nice all the time? Hiei looked around, gazing at everyone else, not really interested. That was when he heard a voice.
I think she liked your gift.
Hiei bristled, fighting the urge to growl at the fox that sat beside him.
It was nothing fox.
The kitsune chuckled.
I don't know, she looked pretty happy to me.
Shut up. She is not even close to be considered my equal fox. Hiei crossed his arms. It was a waste getting her a gift.
Kurama never said anything, but Hiei felt him smirking. Ugh... damn fox.
The party continued, and there was some dancing, but it was mostly just the bunch of them jumping around like idiots. It was around midnight when Botan waved, crying with happiness (mostly due to the champagne), a goodbye. She giggled as she stepped out into the snow, summoning her oar and flew to her house.
Hiei watched her leave, wondering if she would be able to fly that thing in her current state. It was about ten minutes later that Kurama let out a surprised exhale.
"Oh my." His friends looked at him. The fox picked up a thin white scarf. He rubbed the material between his thumb and forefinger. "Botan has forgotten her scarf." A disappointed sigh of pity was let out. Kurama turned to Hiei, whose ruby red eyes instantly hardened. "Why don't you take it to her?"
Hiei gritted his teeth.
"Fox–"
Kurama interrupted him, and Hiei knew that the fox was enjoying this.
"It would be easiest for you Hiei. Besides, it's less time that you would have to spend here."
That got the Koorime's attention. Hiei swiped the garment out of Kurama's hands and was out of the door before anyone in the room could blink.
III
Botan flew against the snow, struggling to hold the bag that contained all of her gifts. She headed north, where her house was. She smiled. Koenma had given her the house for her good work and how she was the top ferry girl. It was small, but it was good for her.
She finally reached it, and she jumped off her oar, letting it disappear into the air. Stumbling into her abode, she shivered and struggled to breathe. I-I'm so cold!
She let down her hair and was almost immediately tearing at her stockings. Her hair was wet as she lumbered into her room. Her shoulders were slack and she slowly took off her dark blue dress. Her arms ached as they moved it up and over her head. She pulled on a white nightgown and she pulled her sheets off and crawled under them.
Her eyes had barely closed when she heard something.
"Onna. Wake up."
The ferry girl shrieked and pulled the blankets up and around her. Her pink eyes shot open and she was astonished to see Hiei in her room. She lowered down her blankets a bit, relaxing a bit knowing that it was Hiei and not someone else.
"Hiei! What are you doing here?"
The Koorime rolled his eyes and reached into a pocket that was on the inside of his cloak, pulling out a long white cloth. Botan's eyes widened. My scarf...
"Baka onna. Don't expect people to pick up after you, baka."
Hiei was about to continue to scold her when a loud clatter was heard on the roof. The two companions froze. Botan looked up at the ceiling and swallowed.
"Hiei, what was–"
Hiei put his hand over her mouth.
"Quiet, onna." Botan shivered when she heard the whisper of metal and her pink eyes darted to Hiei's katana, which was out. Her breath caught in her throat. Hiei looked into her eyes, his hand still on her lips. "Stay here."
He flitted out of sight, leaving the ferry girl alone and scared.
IV
Hiei gritted his teeth as he ran through the snow, the wind stinging his face. He saw the house and picked lock quickly, letting himself in. He didn't care about being polite, he was here only because of the baka ferry onna's stupidity.
The Koorime looked through the house, slightly flustered when he saw her stockings laying on the floor, quickly followed by her dress. Hiei shook himself and found the onna in bed.
He told her to wake up, and he winced, his sensitive ears breaking as she screamed. They had their little "conversation", but that was when they both heard a loud thud on the roof of the house. The onna had tried to talk, but Hiei stopped her, his fingers on her lips.
Unsheathing his katana, Hiei told the onna to stay where she was. He didn't want her hurting herself or doing something stupid. He vanished to the outside and jumped up to the roof. The Koorime's red eyes widened. Who the hell is that?
An old man was on the roof, dressed in red and white. Hiei heard a bleat of an animal, and he saw nine deer-like creatures. Hiei didn't like the feeling he was getting from the organisms and the man. His energy was not spirit or demon. It was... almost... like a dream...
"Old man, what are you doing?"
The man startled badly, turning quickly. Hiei couldn't move as he saw the man's blue eyes widen in surprise. The fire demon couldn't move as he watched him fall, sliding off the roof and hitting the ground, snow flying up into the air.
A moment passed. And then another. Hiei heard the front door open and a gasp enter the cold air. Hiei walked to the edge of the roof and saw tears running down Botan's face.
"Oh, Enma..."
Hiei hopped down and was beside the onna, who was shaking in the cold. She was looking at the man, his face covered by snow. She turned to Hiei, punching him.
Hiei was surprised, to say the least, when her first punched his shoulder, but he caught her wrists on her second try, becoming irritated.
"Onna! Calm yourself!"
She slumped against him, crying like a little girl.
"You killed Santa!"
Hiei frowned.
"Who?"
That was when Botan blinked and joined Hiei in his confused look.
"Wait... Santa is... real?"
Hiei was afraid that she was going to faint. She stepped shakily to the man, and touched the suit gently, like it was going to fall apart in his hands. Hiei peered over the man's body. He wasn't a muscled man, and he didn't seem to have any weapons, unless the animals on Botan's roof were carnivores.
"What's the problem? He's not dangerous."
The ferry onna turned to look at him, her eyes still shimmering with tears.
"His name is Santa Claus."
V
So many thoughts were running through Botan's mind as she looked at the form of a man in red and white. Santa is... Santa is... real? She took a shaking breath. How could he have gotten passed Rekai detection?
Her questions were interrupted when she heard the shift of the snow. Botan picked up her head to see Hiei Jaganshi poking the old man, moving his robe aside. He had out his sword and was using it to delicately move aside a flap of a pocket.
"Hiei!" The Koorime flinched and glared at her. "What are you doing?"
The demon narrowed his eyes, and it made Botan shiver with fear.
"I was looking for any clue as to who this joker really is."
Botan put her hand on her hips.
"He's Santa Claus!"
The Koorime rolled his eyes and returned to his investigation. Botan watched him shuffle around a bit, looking hard. That was when they both saw a card flutter down. Hiei narrowed his eyes as he put his sword back at his side as he took the card into his calloused hand. The ferry girl watched intensely.
"Hn."
Botan frowned as her shoulders slumped forward, letting out a frustrated breath.
"Baka! What does it SAY?"
The Koorime gave her a deadly glare, wanting to kill her for calling him a baka. Then he brought the card so that it was in line with his eyes.
"It says, 'Santa Claus: North Pole'."
The demon rolled his eyes, and Botan grabbed the card, flipping it over.
"Look! The back." She bit her lip. "'Put on the suit, the reindeer will know what to do.'" There was a long pause. The ferry girl shivered and pulled her nightgown up so that her chest was more covered. She hit the Koorime on the back. "Okay Hiei, put on the suit!"
The way Hiei Jaganshi hissed with rage was almost funny.
"NO! Baka onna... watch your tongue!"
Botan rolled her eyes and stuck out her tongue at him.
"Come on! Just put it on!"
"No! He's still in it and there is no way in the Three Worlds that I am going to caught dead in those garments!"
They both looked toward Santa. And that was when they realized that he was gone. Well, the body was gone, leaving the clothes untouched. Botan blinked, her pink eyes sparking.
"He's... he's gone..."
Hiei scrunched up his nose in disgust.
"And nude."
Botan laughed and pushed him playfully.
"Ew!" The humorous moment had gone and Botan had her arms across her chest as she hugged herself, rocking on her heels as she tried to get warm. "What do we do now?"
Hiei paced back and forth.
"Let me think, onna."
The Koorime muttered to himself, and Botan shifted uneasily, and that was when she looked up. A ladder had appeared, so, making sure that Hiei wasn't looking, she climbed it.
VI
Baka onna... old man... the North Pole. What the hell does this mean? He bit his knuckle. The onna was the only one who knew who he was... maybe he's a relative or something. Hiei frowned. No... that can't be right. She's a beauty and that man was old and fat. A long pause. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? THE ONNA IS NOT BEAUTIFUL! The Koorime paused in his little inner battle. Speaking of the onna...
"Baka onna! Where are you?" Hiei felt his instinct to protect the innocent flow through his blood. He unsheathed his katana."Onna!"
Hiei was about to search the area when he heard a cheery voice.
"Up here, Hiei!" The Koorime looked up to see the ferry girl waving at him, grinning like everything was okay. Well, everything was okay, except for one thing. She was sitting in the sleigh. "Come on up, and bring the suit!"
Hiei gritted his teeth as he took the garments into his hands and jumped up to the roof.
"Onna! What do you think you are doing?" She was silent as Hiei climbed onto the sleigh and was his face was inches away from hers. "Have you lost you MIND? This isn't yours! Let's go!"
The Koorime was about to grab her wrist when the reindeer lurched forward, making the ferry onna and Hiei fall backwards into another seat. Hiei was dizzy for a moment, not able to tell just where he was. Until he felt a pressure on his chest. Two small hands.
"Hiei get off!"
The onna was a bit pink as she tried to shove him off, which wasn't working out since she was one: weak, and two: he had a lot of muscle mass. He smirked at this.
"Baka onna."
Hiei rolled off of her and sat up, the wind hitting his face, making him squint his eyes. The animals were flying... through the air like they had never heard of physics. Botan sat up, bit Hiei feared that she would fall off, and he put a hand on her shoulder, steadying her. She looked at him with an puzzled expression on her face, but Hiei ignored it.
And then, just like that, they stopped with a lurch forward, Botan hitting her head on the wood.
"Ow..."
The two sat there, and the fire demon saw that they were at a house. Another house. Hiei frowned and folded his arms across his chest.
"What now, onna?"
The two sat in silence for a while. That was when Botan looked and saw a chimney.
"Put on the suit!" Hiei glared at her. Botan blinked innocently as her eyes shimmered, water gathering in the corners of those pink orbs. "Please..."
The Koorime gritted his teeth, trying to resist those tears of hers. Damn onna...
"Baka ferry onna... you better be grateful for this." Hiei pulled on the pants, and marveled at how huge this "Santa" man must have been. You could fit an elephant in here! The ferry girl tied the sash as he pulled on the coat, hating the old man more and more. "Stupid Santa... stupid Christmas..."
VII
A/N: Please... please review! This is going to be a Christmas HB thing, so tell me if you want more! Please! And, by the way, yes, this is gonna be like "The Santa Claus" starring Tim Allen. Now, I know that Hiei in Santa's suit is just as alluring as ever, so um... REVIEW! I'll give you une bonbon!