Disclaimer: I do NOT own iCarly, in any sense. Many thanks to Dan Schneider for the amazing show that inspired this story. Enjoy!
This should have been easier.
Well, when you look at the facts, it really should have been. He's confessed his love for her tirelessly since they were twelve. His opposition of every guy she's ever expressed interest in has been vocalized with little restraint. He makes no effort to mask the loving gazes, the small touches, the shameless pining…
All things considered, this should have been a hell of a lot easier.
Nevertheless, Fredward Benson could not allay the trembling that ensued whenever he allowed his mind to wander to the talk that he was about to have with the love of his life in a matter of minutes. Freddie found himself in bed, staring up at his ceiling after the 3rd sleepless night in a row. It was 10:47 A.M. on an eerily quiet Saturday November morning and his anxiety was at an all-time high. Though his feelings were no secret to anyone, he knew that this latest confession would be vastly different than the others. He also knew that he had reached the end of the line. The last hoorah. The final curtain call. To put it simply: this was it. At the young, nubile age of 17, Freddie knew that if she didn't take him seriously this time around, then there would be no point in pursing this any further. He needed to find a way to make her understand how critical this was (with minimal begging), without losing his very best friend and a large percentage of his dignity in the process.
Though the weather outside left a sharp chill in the air, Freddie still wished he had a long walk to look forward to so he could sort out his emotions. Unfortunately for him, his fate laid right across the hall. Since Fate cheated him out of a much-needed stroll, he opted to slowly dress instead. Once out of bed, he numbly walked to his closet and found a random outfit to drag over his body, all the while trying to come up with the right words to express how he felt. 'Don't beg, Benson,' he thought to himself, 'You've done enough of that. Be honest, but dignified. Honest. Dignified. Honest. Dignified…' He repeated those words internally until he decided to use it as his mantra to guide him through this upcoming conversation. He laced his navy blue/green converse and stood in the mirror, wanting to take a good look at the clothes he'd blindly picked. He couldn't help but be amused by the fact that even his subconscious was aware of how different this visit was than any other, because he did not go for his usual striped Rugby polo or Penny Tee, but a simple navy blue cotton V-neck sweater over a gray tank and dark jeans. He gave his body a once-over and noticed that he had grown leaner over the past year. He wouldn't call himself muscular, but he had definitely grown into his body a little better, leaving some of his youthful idiosyncrasies behind as his biceps and jaw line became more defined. He promised to commit himself to a workout routine sometime soon, but being a muscle-bound jock prototype wasn't important to him. He was, for the most part, satisfied with how he looked. Despite his quasi-confidence, he was still terrified about the prospect of putting his heart on the line, but he had had enough of the constant wondering and the sleepless nights. While his nerves fought to keep him glued to the mirror, his mounting adrenaline pulled him away and carried him to the bathroom where he quickly brushed his teeth, washed his face, and tamed his sleep-disheveled hair. For once, he was thankful for his mother's neurosis, which had led to her nagging him to take a shower before AND after dinner the night prior. He flossed and quickly rubbed his best deodorant on for added measure, took one last look in the bathroom mirror, exhaled shakily, and made his way to the front door. He grabbed his brown leather jacket from the coat rack in the front of the apartment. "No turning back now," he said as he exited the apartment.
As he closed the front door of the apartment, Freddie found himself staring at the door across the hall leading to the Shay residence as he slipped on his jacket. Before knocking, he froze. He could hear music and muffled activity from behind the door, and it terrified him. 'DAMMIT, what if she's in the living room RIGHT NOW?' he screamed inside his head as he remained frozen in the knocking position. Was he ready to face her now? Would he ever be? He knew what needed to be done, but the urge to flee was rapidly growing and his will to fight it was diminishing by the second. Before he could retreat, the door swung open and he was met with a wall of noise and a lanky man splattered with white paint.
"Howdy-doody, Fredderooney?" Spencer Shay greeted energetically. He swiped the dark brown fringe from his forehead with his left hand while his right hand clutched a small black trash bag. He set the bag down by the door in order to engage Freddie in a brotherly fist bump.
"Hey, Spence!" Freddie replied with a relieved smile as he met Spencer's closed fist with his own. He peered in the living room, which was currently covered in plastic, and noticed a bunch of silverware painted white laying on a covered end table. He pointed at the scene. "Sculptering?"
"Sculpturing," Spencer confirmed with a nod. "I was just about to take this bag to the trash chute. You looking for Carly?"
Freddie felt his breath catch at the sound of her name, but tried his best to appear normal. "Uh, y-yeah. Is she around?" he asked, while internally he pleaded 'Please say no! Please say no!'
"Yeah, she's in the studio going over some internet clips. I'll get her for you!" Before Freddie could stop him, Spencer jogged to the foot of the stairs.
"TEENAGE GIIIIIIRL" Spencer yelled up the stairs. Freddie couldn't help but chuckle at Spencer's spastic energy, of which there always seemed to be a never-ending supply.
"YEEES, LEGAL GUARDIAN?" replied a female voice from the top floor. Freddie noted the slight flutter in his heart at the sound of the apparent laughter in her voice. It was a laugh that was seemingly angelic, almost other-worldly, yet it came so naturally to her. Add it to the ever-growing list of reasons why he loved this girl.
"FREDDIE'S HERE!" Spencer turned to Freddie. "I'm heading to the trash chute. Feel free to paint those forks on the counter while I'm out." He pointed to a mound of forks on the kitchen counter.
"Uhh, I think I'll leave you to it, Spence," Freddie laughed. Spencer laughed and headed out the door. As the door shut, Freddie heard quick steps coming down the stairs. He turned to find Carly Shay bounding energetically down to the living room. She was wearing a fuchsia Penny Tee that said "Turtle Fiasco" with a pair of dark jeans and purple sneakers. Her dark hair cascaded down her back in beachy waves and her face was free of make-up, with the exception of some lip gloss. Freddie knew that she was wearing her favorite strawberry Lip Smoochers lip balm without her even being close enough to smell it. It has been a mystery to him since they met how she managed to always look so effortlessly stunning. As far as he was concerned, he never needed to know her secret.
Carly met her friend with a huge smile. "Hey, Freddie! I was just up in the studio looking at possible clips for the next show!"
"Cool beans! Any of them good?"
"Eh," Carly shrugged, "Nothing award-winning, but there's still a ton of them to go through. We'll find something. So, what's up?"
"Well, uh…" Freddie was torn between diving in to the meat of the matter or just easing into a regular visit and hoping that they stumbled upon the issue. Running also seemed like a plausible option. As Carly stared at him expectantly, the apartment suddenly became too hot. He felt like the walls were closing in and, in an instant, the place felt far too cramped. He had to get out of there. "Carly, you wanna go for a walk?"
Carly looked at him quizzically. "Uhh, sure. Why not? Let me grab my coat!" She grabbed the light purple pea coat hanging carelessly over the banister. "Okay, let's go!" The pair headed to the door and Freddie opened it, stepping off to the side to allow Carly to exit first.
"After you, m'lady" he said airily as he gallantly gestured her out the door.
"Oh, why thank you, good sir," Carly giggled.
They started walking towards the neighboring park while Carly unloaded all of her new ideas for the next show. Freddie made sure to interject the appropriate "yeah" and "uh huh" and "that sounds awesome" on cue, but truth be told: he wasn't listening at all. He could pry his mind away from the task at hand. He knew that the worst that could happen would entail her saying that she wished they remained friends, but he knew in the back of his mind that it could very well break him. Even worse, he could get hit with the dreaded "Oh, Freddie." He'd lost count of how many times he would confess his love for her and she would reply with that pitying sigh and those two words, never to broach the subject. He never thought he could hate two words so much, mainly due to all the subtext his subconscious would supply almost instantly.
"Oh, Freddie. Of course, I'm not in love with you!"
"Oh, Freddie. Your school boy crush is just too adorable! Now where is the number for that cuter, much more desirable jerk I'd rather be dating?"
"Oh, Freddie. I notice your humiliation as you step out on a limb, once again, and shamelessly beg for my affection, but…no. Sorry!"
He was always forced to soldier on with a brave face, but he didn't know if he had it in him anymore. He didn't want to consider how he'd react if he had to hear those words again. Before he realized it, they had reached a bench. They wordlessly sat down side-by-side, facing forward towards the bundled up children chasing each other on the park green. Carly was the first to speak.
"So, what's wrong, Freddie?" Her tone was casual and there was a knowing smirk on her face.
"Wrong? Nothing's wrong, Carls," Freddie denied unconvincingly. He looked at Carly and instantly identified Carly's patent "Cut the Crap" look, which she saved only for him when he was obviously holding out on her.
"Freddie, don't insult me. I've known you for far too long not to notice when something's up." Freddie continued to look at her as if he didn't know what she was talking about. She exhaled in frustration, which Freddie found adorable. "Look, if you wanted to talk iCarly, we would have gone to the studio. If you wanted to just chill and hang, we would have hung out in the kitchen or my room. Furthermore, you did that 'fake listening' thing you do when your mind is wandering. It must be something important if you'd rather take a walk in 30 degree weather and ignore me than stay in my warm apartment and be an attentive friend, so spill." Carly fixed her 'Ha! Busted!' look on Freddie, knowing that she had forced him into a corner. Between that look and the slight color in her alabaster cheeks brought on by the cold weather, she had never looked more beautiful to him. Still, he wasn't ready to give in just yet.
"Hey, I was not 'fake listening'!" Freddie denied indignantly.
"Don't change the subject!" Carly demanded while playfully punching him in the shoulder. Freddie jokingly rubbed the spot while mouthing "Ow," which made Carly giggle. He smiled at her, knowing there was no use in avoiding the topic any longer.
"Alright, I needed to talk to you about something really important. Before I get into it, I need you to promise me something. No matter what I say, promise me that you'll truly listen. Promise me that you won't just look at me as 'Little Freddie Benson.' I really need you to take me seriously, Carls. Promise me." Freddie looked at Carly expectantly. Carly instantly noted his serious tone and knew that he really wanted her full attention.
"Sure, Freddie. I promise," Carly agreed as she made eye contact.
Freddie let out a nervous breath and closed his eyes. Anything he had planned to say flew out of his head within seconds. He had no other option than to go for complete honestly. What else could he do? He opened his eyes and focused on Carly's nose; her incredibly cute nose. He just wasn't ready to make eye contact yet.
"So, I know most of our friendship has been comprised of me confessing my undying love for you, which we've all had a hearty laugh at from time to time, right?" Freddie smiled good-naturedly.
"Freddie, I would never laugh at you for that," Carly said with the utmost sincerity. His eyes met hers, and he felt himself fall for her just a little more, which he never thought possible until now.
"Thank you," he breathed out, "I really appreciate that, Carly." He almost got lost in the moment, but he cleared his throat and refocused. "Well, nonetheless, I wanted to apologize to you. I know there were times when I put you on the spot or embarrassed you, which I never ever meant to do. Honest. I was just a dumb kid who thought he had an idea of what love was. Sure, you were the sweetest, funniest, prettiest girl I'd ever seen, but it wasn't until just recently that I realized that what I felt before couldn't have been love. Granted, it was a huge, if not unbreakable infatuation, but there's just no way it could have been love…because up until about a year ago, I had no earthly idea what it was."
Carly looked down at her hands, which she was wringing anxiously in her lap. "A year ago?"
Freddie paused for a moment to think. "Actually, almost two years ago," he considered. "See, before that, Carly, I knew I liked you. A lot. There was no denying that. I confused it for love because, at the time, I had nothing else to compare those feelings to. It wasn't until I pushed you out of the way of that truck that I knew how far those feelings could carry me." Freddie looked down as he rubbed his palms together slowly. A small smile began to creep upon his lips. He chanced a glance at Carly, who was waiting patiently for him to elaborate. "My grandfather would take any and every opportunity to leave me with some …'wisdom' whenever me and my mom would visit." Freddie couldn't resist air-quoting the word "wisdom" as his grandfather was a bit of a loon. "Most of the time these nuggets of knowledge were random, irrelevant, strange, or even a bit too harsh for my tender, virgin ears." At this, he rubbed his ears, which made Carly giggle. He lightly chuckled, then continued. "There was this one time, though, that he said something that I remember to this day. He said, 'Fredward, there are three ways to love: love out of obligation, love out of choice, and love out of necessity. No matter which one you find yourself in, love with all you've got.' I was only 10 when he shared that with me. I didn't get it then, but I get it now.
"It's like…okay, I love my mom out of obligation. Yeah, she's neurotic, overbearing, overprotective, paranoid…you get the picture. Despite all that, I love her anyways. I mean, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world, but-"
"-No, I get it," Carly cut in, shaking her head slightly, "She's your mom so you have to love her, regardless. I know you love her dearly and wouldn't ever ask for another mother, Freddie."
"And I totally do! Still, at the end of the day, no matter what she does, I have to love her. Now, there are those that I choose to love. Spencer and Sam, for instance, " Freddie offered brightly. "I love Spencer like the older male role model I never had growing up. Like a cross between a dad and a brother, you know? And Sam, well… between the punching, name-calling, and kicking," Freddie chuckled at the list, amused by how much abuse he had left out, "Sam's a great friend when it counts. Don't tell her I said that, please?"
Carly laughed heartily. She knew that Freddie truly cared about Sam and while Sam would deny it until her face turned blue, she truly cared about him, too. She looked at Freddie, whose expression turned very serious.
"And then there's you, Carls," Freddie said in a tone just above a whisper, "Loving you doesn't feel like a chore, yet it can't be controlled like a choice could. It's no secret that I need you in my life." Freddie looked up at Carly, who looked like she may have been holding her breath. He finally made unflinching eye contact with her and he noticed that her eyes had an unreadable glint. "You give me life, Carly. Your friendship, your approval, your faith in me…hell, even down to your smile. I need it all. I need you.
"When I pushed you out of the way of that truck almost two years ago, I didn't do it as a way to prove anything to you. I didn't even think about it. I just knew that if that truck took you away from me, then my life would have very little meaning. I can't say that I would have felt the same way when I was 12," he shrugged, "and I don't know if I would have handled it well, if I had. Looking back, it probably was an incredibly intense childhood crush. I don't regret it, though, because it only confirms how I feel about you now."
Without thinking, Freddie took Carly's left hand into his right and intertwined their fingers. The warmth that radiated from her hand was almost enough to make him forget that it was winter. Well, that and the fact that Carly didn't pull away. He couldn't read the expression on her face. Was she about to cry? Scream? Run? Who knows? All he could do was soldier on.
"Look, I suck at flowery declarations. I'm not a poet or an artist. I'm a tech nerd who's good with facts." He felt himself getting lost in her eyes again and in an attempt to steady his racing heartbeat, he released his final point with a shaky breath. "Fact is: I've loved you way before I knew what love was."
He was shaking. She was crying. Neither had a clue what the next step was. Then Carly, once again, was the one to break the silence.
"Oh, Freddie."
Freddie's heart stopped and his face fell. He quickly looked down, fearing that the tears would come without permission and the LAST thing he needed was for Carly to see him cry. That was it. Those two words had cut down his self esteem, his spirit, his lifeline. He was now faced with the task of moving on, which could take years, or decades-
Just as he prepared to bolt, he felt an impossibly soft hand cup his left cheek. He looked up wondrously and found a pair of gorgeous teary eyes and a watery smile. Carly leaned in and touched her forehead to Freddie's. He closed his eyes and slowly inhaled her scent. She smelled of gardenias and strawberry Lip Smoochers, just like he'd guessed earlier. He felt her hand move lightly from his cheek to the side of his neck. Her other hand gripped Freddie's hand a little tighter.
"Alright, Freddie, say it," Carly demanded softly. "Tell me how much of an idiot I've been for failing to notice what's been in front of me for years. Go on. You know you want to."
The pair burst into laughter, shattering the intense atmosphere Freddie's recent confessions had created. Freddie lifted his head to kiss her left temple and returned his forehead to her.
"I would never say that, sweetie. Wouldn't even think it." He leaned back to look her in the eyes once more. "I love you so, so much, Carly. Not because I have to or even want to. Because I need to. It's all I know."
A tear rolled down Carly's cheek as she gave Freddie the brightest smile, which Freddie liked to believe she had been saving just for him. The hand on the side of his neck crept to the back, slowly playing with the hairs at the nape of his neck.
"I love you more than words can say, Freddie." The tears were coming in buckets, which she thought totally contradicted the overpowering happiness she felt in that moment, and she laughed at the ridiculousness of it all. "Do you think you can still love a faucet?" she asked jokingly as she removed the hand from the nape of his neck and used it to wipe away her own tears. Freddie took that hand, kissed it, and held it over his heart.
"I think I can manage to love the most stunning faucet in the world," he said in a mixture of awe and amusement. He leaned in and placed a soft kiss at the left corner of her mouth. Her breath caught in her throat at the contact. They leaned back slightly and made brief eye contact before Carly's lips dove for Freddie's with an overwhelming force ridddled with need, desire, and love. He responded without hesitation as he cupped her face with both hands. Her lips firmly massaged his top lip while he kissed and nibbled her bottom lip. Neither could remember a time when they were this happy or when the world made this much sense. Their kisses left no room for any more guessing, waiting, or confusion. This was a love built on a foundation of necessity, which was a foundation that could not falter or wear thin. After what felt like an eternity of roving lips, curious tongues, and intermittent declarations of love on both their parts, they parted to allow each other to breathe. They resumed the position of forehead-to-forehead as Carly took both of Freddie's hands and held them to her chest, close to her heart. He couldn't see it, but he felt her bright smile.
"Mine," she declared with a whisper. "You're mine, Freddie."
Freddie couldn't stop the gigantic smile from spreading across his face. He leaned up to kiss the tip of her nose, then placed soft, chaste kiss upon her lips. The emotion of the moment had reduced his voice to a husky whisper.
"I needed to hear that, baby."
A/N: Thank you so much for reading my first fan fiction! I hope to write more soon! Please review when you get the chance! I can't improve without your help! P.S. - HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Hoollaatchyagirl,
Phunky