LOTR: HISHE

Summary: No one likes Frodo in the Return of the King movie. He is whiny, angsty, (which is cool with some people, but a hobbit? No. Just... No.) and generally annoying. Sam realizes this as Frodo stands at edge of the convenient cliff in Mount Doom. He acts accordingly... CRACK. MAJOR CRACK.

A/N: Hi Everyone! I never meant for this to be my first story, (it was going to be a Naruto fic,) and I probably won't publish another one for a looooonng time, but hey-I'm sitting here with my friends, and I am INSPIRED! Many thanks to Michelle, Lalitha, and Rachel for their inspiring-ness. And Frodo hating.

Disclaimer: Yeah... If I owned it, I would not be alive. I would be dead. Cause Tolkien is dead. No impure resurrection for me, thanks. (NARUTO FANS UNITE!)

"I have come," said Frodo. "But I do not choose now to do what I came to do. I will not do this deed. The Ring is mine!" And suddenly, as he set it on his finger, he vanished from Sam's sight. Sam gasped, but he had no chance to cry out, for at that moment, many things happened.

The first of the many things was that Sam realized that Frodo was a physco. His DNA had obviously mutated from the normal hobbit gene pool, as Frodo was no longer obsessed with food, annoyingly cheery, or inclined to LOL sporadically for no reason. Frodo was no longer the precious best friend that Sam had once known. In a fit of grief, Sam took his well-worn, rainbow-striped diary from his pack and quickly scribbled down a note:

R.I.P.

Frodo Baggins

My BFFEAEAEAEAE

I will miss you!

Then, he strode forward, arms outstretched like a hobbit-zombie, feeling the air in the hope of finding a hobbit-sized patch of invisible flesh somewhere in the nearby vicinity. Unfortunately, he had not taken three steps before he was tripped by a small, irritating, schizophrenic blob of evil. Namely Gollum/Smeagol. Sam got up and dusted himself off, looking around. He heard Frodo laugh cruelly from just in front of him-evidently, Frodo was amused by his pain. Sam furrowed his brow, unable to frown because he was a hobbit, and therefore perpetually happy. There is no such thing as an angsty hobbit, which is why Frodo must be eliminated. Sam grabbed Gollum/Smeagol by the scruff of IT'S (A/N: IT has no gender. I'm sorry, but the male race doesn't deserve to be insulted THAT badly. (Well... some of them do, but still.) Sorry, Smeagol. You know I love you! Gollum, go die in a hole.) neck, and whispered in IT'S ear, "Hey Gollum... Smeagol insulted your mother!"

"Smeagol did no such thing!" said Smeagol.

"I have no mother," said Gollum, "GOLLUM! HACK! COUGH!"

Sam tried again. "Hey Gollum... Smeagol said that the Ring wasn't 24 carat gold!"

"HEY! GOLLUM!" said Gollum, and pushed Smeagol of the cliff. Unfortunately, since Smeagol/Gollum share a body, this meant pushing ITSELF off a cliff. Good for Gollum. G/S argued with ITSELF all the way down.

Sam's brow unfurrowed.

Frodo tried his best to sneak past Sam on his way to the cave entrance. Unfortunately, Frodo was not a ninja. If he was, then he would have used his ninja-skillz to infiltrate Mordor, destroy the Ring, and go back to Hobbiton in 24 hours. However, this was not the case. Instead, Frodo tripped over his own two feet and made this weird, evil little groan from pain. Sam also was not a ninja, but he was awesome enough to be one, so he quickly swooped down and grabbed Frodo by his cloak and threw him into the Crack of Doom.

"Sorry, Frodo! You were my best friend! AND THEN YOU BETRAYED ME! YOU FORGOT WHAT STRAWBERRIES TASTED LIKE! NOOOO!" Sobbing, Sam fled from the volcanoe, only to get trapped of that one convenient rock surrounded by lava that was most definitely NOT CGI... Noooo... not at all... As he sat, wondering about his fate, and staring at the computer simulated orange stuff, he was knocked out... cause that's what happens to heroes when they do super-awesome stuff, like destroy Rings of EVIL. Or maybe the film-makers/Tolkien was feeling lazy. Either one works.

...LINEBREAKOFAWESOME...

"Sam... Where is Frodo?" Gandalf observed Sam over his fingers.

"I'm so sorry Dumbl-I mean Gandalf... but he didn't make it." Barely stifling a sob, Sam let silent tears slide down his face, mourning the loss of his genetically-mutated best friend. Gandalf left the hobbit to grieve in peace.

...LINEBREAKOFAWESOMENUMERODOS...

Aragorn and Arwen approached each other.

"PEEKABOO!" screamed Arwen from behind her banner.

Aragorn facepalmed.

Suddenly, the two spoke at once.

"I must tell you something," they said, speaking together. Aragorn gestured that she should go first.

Arwen took a deep breath. "I must leave you. I'm sorry. It's just, I was watching the Extended Edition of The Two Towers yesterday, and I realized something: Legolas is HOTT and you are NOTT. I'm so sorry. He has proposed... and... I have accepted." Her eyes teared up as she looked into her ex-beloved's face. To her surprise, Aragon let out a deep breath of relief.

"This relieves me so... see, I must tell you something of a similar nature. Eowyn has captured my heart with her bravery, strength, and intelligence. You are beautiful, yes, but have you killed a Black Rider, let alone the Witch King? I think not. I'm sorry as well. She has accepted my proposal and I plan to marry her as soon as possible." He kissed her hand and turned away.

...LINEBREAKOFAWESOMETHIRD&FINAL...

Gondor prospered, and Aragorn and Eowyn were very happy together. They ruled wisely and Gondor became the second most prosperous kingdom in all of Middle Earth.

The most prosperous kingdom was Rohan. Eomer became leader in Theoden's stead, and made Pippin and Merry his advisers. Everyone who went decided that it was "AWESOME. SO. AWESOME." (Five Star review on "Places To Go In Middle Earth" Blog/Forum.)

Arwen and Legolas were voted "HOTTEST COUPLE OF THE CENTURY" in Elven Magazine.

Sam trained to be a ninja. He traveled the world and was internationally acclaimed the most amazing gardener that ever lived. EVAR.

Tom Bombadil became King of Middle Earth, despite his protests, but he found that he quite liked the job. Middle Earth became the most fantastic place for book-skippers to visit.

A/N: Okay... So the ending was lame, but hey. Deal. It's my first fic, hope you all enjoy it! Compliments and Criticisms are both much appreciated. Remember, this is parody material. In my opinion, Frodo is very cool, and I like the Aragorn x Arwen pairing, though I still like Eowyn's character better than Arwen's. This was a LOT of fun to write, though... I should do this more often!

Special thanks to Michelle, Lalitha, and Rachel for being awesome. And patient... don'tkillmeplease!