They're coming. They're coming, oh God, what do I do? I curl into a foetal position, turned away so I can't see the door. See the horrors behind it.
I am scared. More scared than I ever have been in my life. More scared than when I came out to my father, when he told me that I had a curable disease, and that I don't need to see myself as a 'fucking faggot'. More scared than when my I lost my love through my own loneliness, when he told me that he didn't want me anymore, didn't trust me, didn't love me, and so I sat among the stars and watched them shimmer and fade, one by one. More scared then when I trap myself in my own mind, shaking uncontrollably as my tears mix with blood and I can't see and my breath is coming fast, ohsofast.
I am scared, and I am alone.
I close my eyes.
There is a shout. A bang. Who's shout? My mind tries to figure it out, but I am tired and hurting and I just want to sleep. I force my eyes open. I try to make sense of the shapes around me, force myself to focus, to control myself one again. It doesn't help. Nothing does. When the shouting in my mind starts, I can never get rid of it.
Another yell, louder this time, threatening to burst my ear drums. Why won't they just shut up? Don't I deserve that, at least? If I don't deserve happiness, deserve love, at least give me the peace of mind to stop my head spinning round.
I want this to stop.
I close my eyes.
I wake, suddenly. I try, and fail, to understand why. As always.
It seems as though hours have passed, and the cramp in my lower back agrees with me.
Suddenly, the thing that woke me up reappears. It is small, furry, and has whiskers that brush against my leg, tickling me.
Our eyes lock. Mine a shimmering hazel, his the black of the night.
Eyes that look as if they have been so close to giving up so many times. Eyes that have lived on through the pain, living a life that otherwise would have been missed by someone, somewhere. How are you so strong, little mouse, when I'm not?
He scuttles away, through the crack in the wall that reminds me of my mind. I feel empty.
Don't go, little mouse.
Stay with me.
I close my eyes.
They're at it again. Accusations flying through the air like knifes at my heart.
I hunch down further, hiding. Waiting.
'Broken home.' The words ring my ears, even from all those years ago. Invading my brain, smashing any sense of self-worth I had. 'Not good enough.'
I put my hands over my ears, shaking my head as if I could shake the words out. I know better, and yet I don't. I feel like a child. I want to be a child.
I feel angry. How could I get to this? Why won't the voices stop? Then sad. I know i'm no good, that I can't get rid of these voices. Then resigned. I let the voices have at me. Tearing away my personality, my fight, my strength.
Then, I feel nothing.
Just...nothing.
Close your eyes. It'll make it all go away.
I know better than this. But I have no other choice.
The noises stop, the voices fading. I am past caring. They'll come back soon enough. I need to do this. Just
one
step
closer…
A knock at the door. Too late, I think. Too late. I don't answer, and the door swings open anyway.
The man I loved too much opens my cupboard door, gasping as he spots me. 'Blaine?!' I look up at him through tear filled eyes, raise my blood stained wrists as in defeat.
Then, Kurt is crouching down, pulling me into his arms, pushing me into his warmth. Rocking me, soothing me, saving me. He somehow prises the pills from my weak hands and I let myself fall into his embrace, crying tears I didn't know I had left.
'I'm s-s-sorry...Kurt...' He cuts me off, pushing me harder into him, pressing his now wet face into my tangled hair.
'Don't. Don't say it. It doesn't matter. Just stay with me Blaine. Stay with me. Promise me.' He's crying now, shaking, and I hate myself for making him feel this way. I'll make it up to him alter, I think. If he lets me.
It doesn't matter. Not right now. Doesn't matter that I cheated on him. That I lost the man I loved the most That up until thirty seconds ago, I had never felt so alone in my life..That I was so close to giving up.
In this moment, I am not alone. I am loved, I am wanted, I am here.
I am safe.