AN: Hi guys, I'm not sure if I like this fic or not. It got very dark while I was writing it. If your sensitive to dark stuff please don't read, I don't want to upset anyone, I just wanted some feedback on what I wrote, so please leave a review if you liked it or hated it, criticism is fine. I hope you enjoy.
Warnings: Slash, MxM, yaoi, dark themes.
Light had thought it over so many times. It didn't make any sense. He looked at L again, a sweeping gaze, taking in his whole appearance. He was hunched over, as he always was, his legs were pulled up to his chest and he was biting the nail of his thumb. This is how he always looked when he was contemplating something, mulling something over, or thinking very hard about something.
'My posture? Oh, well it serves a purpose of course. You don't think I would sit like this for no reason do you?' Light had thought there was no reason, that it was simply a habit and nothing more, and when he confronted L on the matter so long ago he had been told something he didn't expect to hear. 'No, there is a reason. This posture improves my detective abilities, you should try it.' that was the reason Light had been given.
At the time he just shook his head and said okay, but internally he was debating the truth of what L had said. Did this posture really serve to sharpen some sort of deduction skills? Or heighten intelligence in any way? Light didn't like to admit that he actually did test out this "performance enhancing" posture, but he did. He did it many times. And each time he felt no different, and his deductive skills and reasoning were in no way effected. In fact, the strain of the posture served to drive his attention away from his detective duties and caused him to perform worse.
Since his "trials" Light couldn't help but watch L as he went about his work with his weird posture and habits. He also couldn't help but wonder if the detective had lied to him about the purpose, and if so, what the posture was really for. He had reasoned that it could just be caused by some spinal mutation, a genetic thing perhaps, or a habit from his child hood that he couldn't break, but why lie about something like that?
"Light, can I help you?" Shit. He had been caught staring. Light quickly looked away. He was getting careless with this little posture obsession. He faked a bashful look and rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.
"Sorry, I just got a little lost in my thoughts there, don't worry about it," Light was hopping L wouldn't see through his lie and would just drop it. But it wouldn't be L if he did. Instead, he turned so he was fully facing Light and proceeded to question.
"Are you sure everything is alright? You seem...troubled. Is it a girl?" Light had to resist an annoyed eye roll and he simply shook his head.
"No, no girl troubles, its just..." there was no getting around it. The only way to get the subject dropped was to tell the truth. "...It's just, I was wondering...do you remember a while ago when I asked about your posture?" L faked contemplation for a few moments which annoyed light to no end.
A look of realization came over the detectives face. "Ah, yes, I seem to recall something along those lines. What about it, light?"
"Well, after you explained it, you said that I should try it out," an excited and slightly amused look came over L's face.
"Did you?" he asked, getting a little closer. Light rubbed his neck again, avoiding the gaze of his enemy.
"Well...yeah, I did..." L looked away and tried to contain his chuckles. "What? What is it? Ryuzaki, did you lie to me? Hey!" L waved his hand and regained his composure.
"I'm sorry, please forgive me, its just...I lied," I knew it. Light nodded.
"Oh..." L turned back to his computer and resumed working. That's it? Light wondered. He sat there for a few more moments before turning back to his own computer and attempting to work.
A few unproductive hours later, Light turned to L and said, "Hey, Ryuzaki, do you think we could head back to the room, I'm really tired," having to ask permission to go to bed annoyed Light to no end, but with their current handcuff situation, it wasn't like he could just get up and go.
L looked Light over, something the detective did frequently that really bugged him, and nodded. "Of course, let me gather my things and we'll go." he shut down his computer and gathered some papers and a laptop before getting out of his chair. Light followed his lead back to their shared room. After a slightly awkward bathroom break and some brushing off teeth light was laying on the edge of the bed as L sat in a cushioned chair with his laptop. This is how it was every night. L never actually got into bed, he just fell asleep on the chair and light was forced to sleep, very uncomfortably, on the edge of the bed to accommodate the man.
It's not like Light was really complaining. Aside from the weird positions his arm would have to be in and the uncomfortable feeling of the metal cuff on his wrist, Light could care less what the other did. It's not like he wanted L to sleep in the same bed as him, so a little discomfort was worth being as far away from his mortal enemy as possible during his only vulnerable hours.
Light didn't actually know what time the detective fell asleep. The clicking of keys and the annoyingly bright illumination from L's laptop only kept him awake for so long before his exhaustion took him.
Tonight, however, was different. The response he had received from the older man when confronted with the questions about his posture was still bothering him. And the fact that L had never bothered to offer up an new explanation for his weird behavior served to make Light even more curious.
He knew that, without a response to the questions floating around in his head, he would never get to sleep. He made up his mind, he was going to try and get a real answer out of the man.
"Light, are you having trouble sleeping?" Light cursed under his breath. L was always one step ahead of him, anticipating his next action.
Light didn't bother to roll over and face L as he said, "Yes, I am actually. I can't help but wonder about the reason behind your...peculiar posture, and I'm also curious as to why you lied to me the first time I asked." Light could imagine the detective was nodding his head, even though he couldn't see him.
"I guess that's a reasonable explanation for your restlessness," Light actually did roll his eyes at that one, since there was no way for the detective to see him. "Well, the reason for my posture is actually quite an...embarrassing one." embarrassing? Light didn't know what to make of that confession, coming from the great detective L. "And as for why I lied to you...I didn't want to scare you away or make you uncomfortable, but seeing as were hand cuffed together twenty-four seven, I don't think that worry really applies anymore."
"You still run the risk of making me uncomfortable," Light tried to sound lighthearted but his mind was running crazy trying to figure out what L could possibly be getting at.
"With everything I've forced us to go through together I'm not so sure that would happen...well, I actually don't know." Light was slightly nervous now.
"Well, if you don't think it would cause any problems, why don't you just tell me?" Light could just picture the contemplative look on L's face. The level of familiarity he had developed with the detective was starting to become nauseating.
"I supposed I should, to put your mind at easy, but it's a slightly long explanation." Light could tell that L was still looking for a way out of this confession. The thought of a hesitant and even flustered L made Light slightly excited.
"I've got time, Ryuzaki." Light could hear the resolve in L break with the the slightly dramatic exhale and intake of air.
The words that followed were not anything Light had been expecting.
"Well, you see, as a child I was recognized as a prodigy by my heightened deductive and reasoning skills. I was made to study intensive material day in and day out without much break for personal needs let alone human interaction. Hitting puberty was something shocking for me, something I didn't understand, something I hid and ignored. It was fairly easy to do so, I was always a very hygienic child and I rarely spoke enough to notice a voice change, but I did take notice of one particular change in the way my brain worked. One day I was simply looking out the window, taking a break from my studies, when I happened to notice a group of teenagers "hanging out". There was one girl in particular, a small blond girl with cute face, who stood out to me among the rest. My adolescent mind immediately filled with images of her, some less decent than others. That is when I received my very first erection." Lights face immediately flushed.
His face felt so hot he was sure he was glowing in the dark room. He talks about it like some kind of present or something! Light thought, slightly mortified by what he was hearing.
"In that very moment of seeing the girl and getting my erection, my teacher walked in and immediately noticed. She was very embarrassed and scolded me harshly. Ever since then I always sat in a way that gave her no opportunity to notice my embarrassingly frequent erections. And now it has become quite a habit, and even effected the way I stand. That is the end of my story."
"O-oh..." That was all Light could think to say. He had no idea that that was what he was getting himself into when he first questioned L about his posture. "Did...you really get them that often?" The minute the question left his lips he wanted to punch himself in the face. The slight stretch of silence that followed alerted Light to how taken aback L was by the question.
"...well, yes, but you have to remember that I was a very isolated child and I had no idea what to do when it happened so I didn't...well...deal with them. Each time added more and more tension and it soon came to be a frequent thing."
"Is it...still a frequent thing?" Light couldn't seem to keep the dumb questions from coming out. He almost slapped his hand over his mouth at that one.
"Um...well, I think this conversation may have gotten slightly out of hand. You are obviously exhausted Light, you should get some rest. " that response told Light that he had hit the nail on the head.
"But, Ryuzaki, if you know what to do now why don't you just...take care of it so it wont happen as much?" Light had given up on stopping his mouth.
"I..." another long silence, "Because I still don't know what to do." L's voice was small, timid. It wasn't the tone or the L that Light was used to.
That confession, in the dark room at the late hour of 1am, almost made Light feel bad for L. In that one moment he was no longer the bane of his existence, his mortal enemy, but just a shy and embarrassed kid who was ashamed of himself.
Light finally turned around to look at L. The laptop was put away and he was looking out the window. Light couldn't read his expression but the tense air told him exactly how L was feeling.
"L..."
"Please refrain from using that name as much as possible..."
Light sighed, he knew talking was going to get him nowhere. He got out of bed and gingerly made his way to where L was seated. He stood in front of L and took in his appearance as was visible from the dim street lamps blue-white glow. He was still faceing away from Light, possibly refusing to look at him. His features seemed sad, almost apologetic. Light leaned down and grabbed L's chin, forcing L to meet his gaze.
Light froze. He had let his instinct lead him this far, and panic would set in soon if he didn't do something. And since his brain was currently not functioning he decided to continue following his instincts. He didn't even realize he had moved until he felt the cold and slightly chapped lips that belonged to L pressing against his own. neither moved or made a sound. After what seemed like forever but, in reality, was not even a second Light pulled away. For a moment everything was calm, quiet, it was almost as if Light hadn't just kissed L. But then the detective had to ruin the peace with words.
"I'm not gay, Light." Light was taken aback. Gay. Gay? Light wasn't gay either. He was pretty sure of that.
"I-I'm...Me, Me neither! I'm not gay!" Light stammered quietly, his gaze darting around, desperate for something to direct his confusion towards.
"Then why did you just kiss me?" the tone was flat, dead, it made Light feel inferior as he barely managed to deal with the swirl emotions running through him.
"Kiss? What..." Light was ready to fall back into a state of denial, to cover everything up as one huge mistake that never happened. Something his mind invented, a dream maybe. Something that would definitely never happen because L wasn't gay and neither was Light, of course. But then Light found the perfect thing to take his confusion out on. L.
Light grabbed both sides of L's face and roughly slammed their lips together. It was rushed, desperate and in no way romantic, none of this was, because they were not gay. One of Lights hands made a bee line straight for the hem of L's shirt and quickly yanked it up to get to his zipper. By the time he had begun unbuttoning L's pants the detective was hesitantly kissing back. It was weird, and should have been pleasant, but it wasn't, so Light pulled back.
With out even realizing how, Light had managed to turn L around so he was facing his back. This was better, now he could think about someone else, like Misa. If he thought about Misa while he did this then it wouldn't be gay.
Something in the back of Light's mind told him that he could just stop, back off now and he wouldn't have to worry about being gay or not, but the emotional, drastic and irrational part of Light had taken over and that part knew that there was no going back now.
Light pulled L's pants and boxers down so they pooled around his knees and gave his bare lower half one quick look before resigning himself to not look again.
L wasn't exactly beautiful naked. He was pale and thin, and he wasn't exactly ugly either. But that didn't matter to Light, because he wasn't picturing L anymore. He was picturing any of the thousands of girls who would give their left leg to be with him. Any of them. Maybe all of them. Light was picturing who ever he need to to make this okay in his mind.
He crudely slicked a few fingers and got to work preparing L. In all of his haste he had resigned himself to not hurting the man. He was already taking advantage of the situation. The least he could do is be gentle.
A warning and permission seeking nudge at L's stretched entrance was met with a hesitant push backward from the detective and Light let go of and inhibitions he had with one, quick thrust.
It was met with a groan of discomfort but Light wasn't listening anymore. He was lost in a sea of confusion, exhaustion and hormones.
After what felt like hours but was only a handful of minutes Light had finished. He Lazily pulled out of other other man, his eyes remaining closed and ignorant to the situation.
Unbeknownst to light, L had also finished. His arm was crudely trapped between his body and the cushioned chair, but he couldn't have cared less as waves of bliss continued to crash over his mind.
Light stood and returned to the bed without a word. A few moments and some adjusting of clothes later L did the same, finally sleeping on his normally untouched side of the bed.
Neither said a word. Neither wanted to. And even if they did, they wouldn't know what to say. Instead they both drifted into a state that was neither sleep nor unconsciousness. I wasn't exactly restful or restless, and in the morning the both awoke saying nothing of the nights activities and quickly got to work searching for Kira.
AN: So there it is, I hope it was alright. Please review if you don't mind, thanks!