The Golden Boy

Looking back at sunsets on the Eastside………Dreams aren't what they used to be

We never imagined it. Who could imagine that happening? Who could imagine a life so changed in an instant? Not just one life, but three. You're going along the path of your life and all of a sudden there's a dead end. Literally. It was surreal.

I was going to college. I was playing football. I had friends. I had a sort-of girlfriend. I was going to be somebody. I was going to leave this town and get out there in the world and see what it had to offer. I was the golden boy.

It all came to a halt when the cops came to the door and gave us the most horrible news we could never have imagined. Life seemed to stand completely still and I was holding my breath. I just fell into a position I didn't know what to do with. I was 19. I had plans and dreams and I was handed this nightmare.

I looked at those two boys, my brothers and I couldn't breathe anymore. Those two faces I knew as well as my own just ripped my heart apart. I didn't want to see those expressions. That utter hopelessness, that sadness and grief, that confusion. I wanted to wrap them up in my arms and shelter them from all the pain we were all feeling. I wanted to shield them. If I could I would gladly have given my own life for my parents just so my brothers wouldn't have to experience the loss of the two most important people in their world besides each other. They were just kids! They didn't deserve this.

I gave up my plan and focused on a new one-keeping our family together. My parents always taught us that family was the most important thing and I wouldn't let them down. I could have let the state take Ponyboy and Sodapop away but where would that leave me? I loved them. We were all we had left and if I didn't try to keep it together what kind of person would that make me?

I'm sure some people would have just walked away from the responsibility and kept right on going with their own lives. Look out for number one. As far as I was concerned I had two others to look out for more than myself. I had to bear the burden of working full-time, keeping the house together, paying the bills, being the parent. I had to.

I gave up my freedom and my fun and my education. That doesn't mean I haven't been learning. Everyday I learn something new and I have two teenage boys to thank for that. And fun is what you make it.

Dreams aren't what they used to be. Sometimes I want to break down and cry but I buck up and smile like I mean it. I look at those two boys and no longer see the sadness and grief and hopelessness. I see happiness and laughter and goodness. I wonder sometimes if I'm doing right by them but if not me, then who? I don't regret the path I chose. It was only a fork in the road, not the dead end it seemed.