Scolding: This is a dark musing fic. I don't expect much, but I will expect some things to be discovered. This is a fic I wrote with Tenten as a character that no one has ever used in this light before, and I think she can be depressed just like everyone else. I also thought that, for once, my fic wasn't going to end happy ever after. Instead it will be open for someone else to finish. I don't know if they will or not, but it is up to them.
This is rated T for Teen, due to swearing and a hell of a lot of darkness. IF anyone so much as utters Emo I will stab them with the knife of doom.
God I hate that word.
Anyways, continue on in your reading folks. Scolding out.
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Tenten had a theory that this pain eating away at her insides wasn't something that normally happened to people. She had a suspicion that this pain wasn't some medical illness she could just cure with a drug or treatment, either. Unfortunately, it was caused from something she had experienced many times before, but for some reason the feeling had intensified enough to cause the hurt inside that felt like acid attacking her heart. She didn't know why this affected her so damn much, but what she did know was that she wanted it to go away.
She didn't want to know anything, she didn't want the capacity to think or feel anymore, she just wanted to forget everything that had happened and start her life over. A thought of her running away and living in some small town days away from Suna and Konoha crossed her mind and she felt herself finding comfort in it. She tried to imagine the idea like a movie, in which no one could ever find her and she could start a small business, maybe an orphanage? She smiled at the thought but then jolted when a fresh wave of pain hit her square in the chest when the picture of a little girl who looked just like her appeared before her eyes. Her child, one of her own.
She chuckled darkly as the pain swallowed her whole again, and she closed her eyes in order to hide the tears that were threatening to fall. She no longer knew what these tears were from, if they were due to the intense heartache she was feeling, or if they were from her earlier realization. She felt cold and chilled over inside, but her body felt like it was on fire. No more could she grasp the comfort of the sound of her own heartbeat, it was almost too loud for it to be any bit soothing.
So she lay there, curled up in a tight ball with her hand clutching her chest, and thoughts like these ran through her mind and suffocated her like a thick and dense fog. She didn't know how long she had been there for, and it was probably for the best that she didn't. She dared not think about everyone who was looking for her, or maybe not even registering her absence at all. Maybe everyone was too busy with their own lives to even give her a thought.
Even though that idea gave her even more pain, she still felt like she deserved it somehow. She shouldn't selfishly expect others to know something was up and immediately come to comfort her. The notion was laughable; no longer could she hope that her teammates or friends would come to her
rescue from these dark moods. Now she was all by herself, she was all alone, and at first she thought she could handle it. Now she just wanted someone, anyone, so be there and ignore her as she yelled at them. Just let her scream and hit and cry against them, but not register any hurtful words.
All those people were long gone now, weren't they?
Too busy being happy, even when they deserved it.
When did this all happen? When did all of her hard work and self sacrifice turn against her? She had always prided herself in the fact that people could come to her for help that she would give anything for her friends. Now where were they, what had happened while she had looked away for one second? When she had finally paused to catch her breath and focus on the small bit of fragile happiness in her life the rest had fallen apart.
Now she lay clutching the only part of her that hadn't been crushed yet, and even then her body had seen better days. Her eyes were dull and red from sleepless nights and a mixture of crying and rubbing at them furiously. Her hair was a mess, and instead of her usual hairstyle it was spread out around her in a frazzled halo, tangled from futile attempts and keeping it out of her face. She didn't know what she was wearing anymore, and she didn't care if she looked presentable.
She didn't care, and yet she cared too much it was killing her right then.
"Please," She choked out brokenly, "Someone just kill me." She heaved in a shaky breath, "Please make it go away..."
Her past self would have laughed at her and told her to suck it up. And rightfully so, only weak people said such stupid things, only selfish and hurtful people... people she had spent her whole life hating passionately because they only cared about making others feel their sorrow. Now where was she, how had she sunk this low to be uttering such things? Maybe those people had had it right all along, maybe she had been denying the truth like she had in so many other situations?
She tried to smile despite herself, but even without looking in a mirror she knew it probably looked twisted and wrong. If only she had seen the signs earlier, all those times she had smiled and encouraged other's relationships regardless of gender or social status. Maybe all those times she thought she felt happiness for others she was really feeling jealousy and disgust at their radiance. She had spent her whole life reassuring herself she was perfectly heterosexual, sure sometimes she had found herself envying other girls, but never being attracted to them. It was wrong, and so not her, maybe she was just confused.
Maybe she was still confused; despite the fact that this was more she had felt for someone in a long time. She could hardly remember her juvenile crush on Neji; it was almost like it had never really happened, like it was some dream she had strived for that would keep her away from the path she was currently on. Maybe when her mom had offered to find her a physiatrist when she was twelve and in shock from her father's death she should have taken it. Maybe she wouldn't be as messed up as she was now?
She wanted it to rain, she realized, she wanted to go and stand outside in the rain until she felt numb from her head to her toes. She didn't know why she wanted to do that, but the thought of it made her want it to happen even more. She began pleading for rain instead, never mind a comforting touch, just let it rain. Then she could fall asleep from the lulling sound, or she could just go walk in it, feel something on her skin other then the white hot pain that crawled just underneath.
Even though she wanted to get rid of this ache inside, she still had the resolve not to hurt herself, she remembered all too well the last time she had done it on purpose. No, no she wouldn't do it; even if her soul started tearing from her body- she wouldn't do it.
But damn did she want the angel of death right at that moment.
She could see it now, people walking in to find her dead, with no wounds or anything, just her clutching her chest with a serene smile on her face.
She shivered.
And although she knew most of this was her own fault she didn't regret what she had done to get there, it was more of the fact that she had expected more out of the people she cared about. She didn't know when she was ever going to learn that faith in others just lead to more and more pain. She would have done anything in her power to help a person who was in her situation, but she had to remind herself that people probably didn't think the way she did. At least now she knew she was truly alone and there was no fake string of hope holding onto her, she had the facts, as blunt and real as they were.
Sakura, whom she had tolerated until that point, finally knew how much she despised her living guts. Neji, the boy who had probably turned her into the monster she was, was happy and going on perfectly fine without her. Hinata, who was one of the only people she ever felt was her best friend aside from Lee, had let Sakura steal her away completely, even though she said they'd always be friends. Her mother had left Konoha to live with her new husband, and Gai was far too busy with his husband to slip into the role of her uncle and be her confidant.
Last but certainly not fucking least was the two people she had always thought were hers and hers alone. The two people she thought would never leave her despite her obvious instability were swept away by the damn epidemic called happiness.
She gripped at her chest even tighter as the pain, if possible, intensified further.
Maybe if I just rip it out-?
Or maybe she'd just get HER to do it; after all it was one of her sick little musings that had started the whole 'ripping out hearts' conversation.
She bit her lip until it bled to hold back the sob that stopped midway in her throat, there was no way she was going to give her the damn satisfaction in knowing that she was feeling this over her. No
she was too damn naive to realize that Tenten had only had her left, and now she had to step aside for her to be happy. Just wonderful, the way the world worked...
It was gentle and hesitant, and for a moment she thought she had finally snapped and was going crazy, but the knock returned a minute later. She snapped her head up to stare at the door with horrified eyes, realizing that she hadn't been paying attention to the chakra just outside it at all, she had just assumed that no one would come for her. Now that someone was there would she dare let them come in and feel the pressure of her anger and bitterness?
She was surprised to hear a voice come out of her throat, and before she could smack herself and go back to her mental berating it softly called out for the person to come in. She snorted inside, so much for trying to be selfless and letting everyone live on in ignorance, she was really becoming an addict to this whole self centered thing.
To her ultimate surprise the door opened and spilled light through into the pitch black. She had been expecting the headache due to malnutrition and lack of eye use, but she hadn't expected to see the vivid hair color so clearly like a slap to the face. Her mood turned from sad to bitter and hurtful as the pale skinned boy was swallowed into the room whole, closing the door behind him with a menacing click. She felt the strength to sit up fill her, and before she knew it she was curling her leg around the other and watching him with an eyebrow raised in mocking as he stumbled to find the lamp.
The smart part of her begged him to leave, she mentally screamed before she verbally attacked his sanity and probably made him question everything he had done in his life. Only she could know how twisted and dangerous her mind became when she was this close to snapping, and she needed to make him leave before this darkness took over. So far the evil bitch was winning 99 to 1.
"Go away, Gaara." She hissed, and as if on cue the light flicked on. He reeled back from the intenseness of being too close and then settled back on his stoic face and went over to sit on the bed across from her. For a long time neither said anything, and each second frayed on her nerves for some reason, well if he was there for a reason spit it out and leave so she could go back to her angsting.
Just as she was about to snarl out something that probably involved a couple swears and a question that was along the lines of 'what the fuck do you want?' that soft voice cut through any sentence she was about to form.
"My sister is an idiot."
She flinched openly at the reference and finally noticed that she was shaking. For some strange reason the mention of the girl brought back sanity, and with it came the pain tenfold. Just as she was going to reach up to wrap her arms around herself another hand came to rest on her left arm that had been resting on her lap. She looked up startled to see him touching anyone else but his own lover, but her surprised words died on her lips when she saw the mix of sympathy and misplaced confusion in his eyes. It was obvious that he didn't know what he was doing, but at least he was trying.
"Then there is nothing else to say." She whispered, her voice betraying her attempt to act neutral, "she is happy, that should be good enough."
"Then why are you crying?" That same arm gestured to her face that had the salty liquid streaming down it. "It hurts so much you can't breathe, am I right?"
Of course, she looked down and smiled, of course Gaara would know, wouldn't he? He had been through pain at this magnitude before, and look at the way he turned out. He would be able to understand how she felt.
"It hurts there..." He went to reach to touch where her heart should be beneath her ribs, and then realized what he would be touching and thought better of it. He pulled the arm away and instead showed the place on his own chest. "Like you are rotting away from the inside." His eyes reflected an old healed over sadness, but he still remembered it like it was yesterday.
"But you haven't felt that in a while, right?" She brightened slightly, trying to sound like she was the one helping him, "So everything is alright now." She also hoped playing dumb would work.
He looked at her sharply and narrowed his eyes, "Tenten-san, you need to talk to her-"
She swatted his hand away and threw him a look of pure loathing. She had to give him credit for not flinching away as she kicked herself back further from his reach. She could no longer stand the heat that was building in her stomach, and the frailty that made her body shake in weakness.
"Oh shut up," She hissed, "She's perfectly happy with that damn Nara and you want me to go fuck it up?" She threw her matted hair out of her face, "She took him back damnit, how do I compete with that? He has everything she wants, everything she knows she needs and she doesn't even pick up on my attempts to make her happy. She is playing naive and acting like she doesn't know so she can save what little dignity I have left." She ground out the last words, "And you want ME to go throw myself at her like this?" She threw out her arms and showed off her obviously rattled state.
"She doesn't know how this is affecting you; she thinks you were being distant because you still like the Hyuuga."
"So then who am I to tell her she's wrong in that little assumption?!"
He was glaring now too, "She's hurting too you know."
"Oh fuck off; I'm sure one good lay will make her forget all about me. She has that uncanny ability to just.. augh! I don't even care." She saw him clench his fists and get ready for another speech but she beat him to it.
"Just go away!" She screamed, "I can't even stand it anymore, you and your whole damn family. Your perfect beauty that can make anyone swoon, all three of you just ooze the perfect looks." She knew she was probably sounding strange even to Gaara but she could no longer think properly anymore. "I don't ever want to see any of you again, all you do is take away the people I love." Hurt and shock
caused his mouth and eyes to open, it was obvious he hadn't been expecting that specific attack. "How dare you come here with your happiness and rub in my face the exact opposite of what I have?!" She shook her head and hid her face in her palms.
"Why?!" She cried out with a hoarse throat, "Why is it that we are in the exact same situation and you just always seem to make it work out? You love him, and he loves you back, you're insecure of how you can help him but he still appreciates it. You're so unsure of yourself in relationships and he just smiles and shows you the way, and even though you have every single flaw in you that I have you still have the perfect boyfriend?"
"Tenten-san, Temari... she..."
"No!" She jolted her body forward in a convulsion of pain as her name was mentioned, "You can't say anything on her behalf!" She pointed accusingly at his hand and watched the diamond sparkle with nothing but pure loathing. "You have all the simple things that I ever wanted! All I wanted was to hear an 'I love you', and maybe even just a couple compromises. She never once told me she wanted to marry me, and when I brought it up she got all defensive! Now she's marrying HIM, so what does that say about how she felt about me? She's had sex with him, she's even said she'd want to have kids for him! She LIED to me!" She was sobbing between words now, and even though her eyes had gone blurry she still saw the shell shocked expression he had on from being bombarded with this all.
"Just tell me what I can do to make it go away..." She sounded desperate even to herself. "I just don't want to deal with it anymore..."
He took a deep breath and reached over to her, scooting his body a bit further and wrapping his arms around her. He felt her stop moving, and he had known from the moment they had met that she was just as sceptical of touch as he was, which meant that her tensing wasn't from surprise. But he still held that position and let her grip his shirt and cry into his shoulder.
"See?" She sobbed, "Now you can even touch people, he was there to help you with that..." She sniffed, "She never wanted to touch me... She didn't even know I was scared of it."
What did Lee do in this situation? He tried to mimic the soothing gesture of petting her hair and ignoring the prickling sensation of the touch and the vulnerability he felt when he was making contact someone else. He moved slightly and let her full weight rest on him, hoping that she'd be able to get all her frustrations out with as little punching or screaming on her side as possible. As of that moment she was just crying, but he knew that with that pain would come the anger eventually too. Her shiver ran through his body as well, and he watched her shoulders shake with every strangled sob that came from her throat. She was almost at the point of hyperventilating, but she was still trying so hard to keep it from getting to that.
He had to admit, upon looking back he and Tenten had very similar problems when it came to relationships. They had both fought their current loves in the chunin exams, and then gone on to see them again and again for a couple years. They had ignored their feelings and pretended like there was
nothing between them and that other person, and watched with heavy hearts as the person they cared for so much went crawling back to their initial crushes then waited to pick up the pieces. Neither liked touching very much, she felt vulnerable and paranoid whenever people touched her, and he just wasn't used to it. Both were scared of being alone, and more than anything their similarities in romance were pathetically matched.
For a girl like Tenten, there hadn't been much of a point to dating as she was going through puberty, but when she was growing into her later teens she began to feel like there was something wrong with her. It wasn't just that no boy had ever really dated her seriously, it was that she felt no real attraction to even the most attractive boys in her village, she only saw them as friends or admired their strength. She also felt as though boys were scared of her, and her personality must have repelled them because she wasn't the sweet girlie girls like Sakura and Ino- who were more worried about beauty and their outfit's then she was. She could never understand why they had boys swooning over them when they could barely fight, and she had always been a bit bitter towards the pinkette and her obvious disregard to her best friend's feelings. Perhaps Sakura had redeeming qualities, but she wasn't going to look for any because the damn bitch had used every chance she could to use Lee as her little side walk tile that she could make herself feel special with.
Upon meeting Gaara and interacting with him, they found that they had that much in common- their intense dislike for the Haruno medic.
Gaara had always been an outcast growing up, sure, he was extremely attractive and many girls admitted to crushes on him, but it was his status and past that had scared them away. His lack of interest in them didn't help matters, but ever since Kankuro had started nagging him he began to wonder just why he didn't see the opposite sex that way. He had tried to see the qualities that other men saw in them, but as of yet he really didn't find breasts that fantastic, and to tell the truth he got annoyed when girls tried to throw their cleavage in his face. There had been a few select girls he had found were not as annoying as the others, but then shortly realized that most of the ones he enjoyed spending time with swung the other way.
The redhead also knew that the Chunin Matsuri was kind of smitten with him ever since she had become his student, but try as he may he couldn't treat her as anything more than a cherished pupil that had crossed the barrier and chose him to be their sensei. He appreciated her for that, but when it came to finding her attractive he drew a complete blank on it.
It also didn't help that ever since Lee had started visiting Suna regularly she had taken to giving him dirty looks and following him around like a hawk, saying it was for precautionary measures. Whenever he had gotten from her sight she would panic and run to his office to tattle that Lee had gone missing from where he was supposed to be. Looking back, he knew there had been no need to pull Lee into a kiss when she had come to report on her latest mission, but after that he had been pleased to see that she left the taijustu master the hell alone.
On Tenten's side the 'Matsuri' hadn't been anything but a strange infatuation that Konohamaru and decided to throw at her. She thought it was a joke at first, but after a while it was almost endearing and if he wasn't five years younger than her she may have just found it believable.
And up until that point neither of them had been finding Temari or Lee attractive at all. No, the strange obsession with watching them move meant nothing. It also wasn't the fact that they could never get mad at them, and just enjoyed hearing their voice and sitting beside them just basking in their presence. Every single flaw they had just disappeared when they were with the other person.
Of course it had taken a year to find that the whole denial thing wasn't working for them.
But that was where their similarities ended, even though they had gone at it the same way, Lee and Temari weren't similar in the least and that was the problem. Lee had openly accepted Gaara's affections and kind of already returned them anyways, whereas Temari found her cute but never acted like she had fully committed to the idea of being in a full relationship. Most of the time she had acted like Tenten had never said anything, and the only time when she did was only to make the weapon's mistress feel better and stop being self conscious.
Lee and Gaara could talk about their problems and pasts and help each other through it, but Temari would never tell her what was wrong and wouldn't tell her what had happened until much later on when it had all blown over and she didn't want to explain it in detail anymore. Most of the time Tenten got bits and pieces that she had to stitch together. The lack of emotional contact really bothered the brunette since it was all she could give someone; and even when she did try to show her love in a physical way it never ended up the way she wanted. When she felt like a hug the other girl just wasn't in the mood, and she was never confident enough to kiss her, but even when she dropped hints she was left high and dry. She could never understand how Temari had kissed and touched Shikamru so easily and yet it took an arm and a leg to get a simple pat on the head for her.
And small things, insignificant that she saw Lee doing and wished Temari would do. Like wish her sweet dreams and good night instead of an 'okay see you later.', and telling her that she was thinking of her, or wanted to go do something with her that probably didn't need her presence at all. Remembering small things she had told her, and not waving off with the excuse she was too preoccupied with other problems to remember. She also didn't talk to anyone about her either, almost like she was ashamed of her. When people asked her what she did yesterday she would tell them everything except for what she did with Tenten. At first she could understand that the blonde liked her privacy, but when she didn't even tell her brothers and shrugged it off when they asked her how her time with Tenten was, it hurt.
It felt like Temari had been waiting for someone else to come and pick her up so she could just move on and get someone better. Not once had she seen the other kunoichi get jealous over a boy talking or flirting with her, but Tenten could recall many times when she wanted to rip other people's arteries and veins out just for touching the fan wielder.
But she loved her so much sometimes she thought it wasn't real; like Temari would wake up, scoff and tell her she never loved her and it was all some hoax to make her feel better about herself.
And now here she was, crying and bleeding her heart out to the boy who had everything she wanted. Even though she had said mean things to him, she still kind of liked his presence and she was really happy for him and his new husband. She had long ago decided whole heartedly that they deserved this, and that their relationship was one anyone should strive for. She just wished that Temari would have had an epiphany and seen that she kind of wanted calls just to say hello, a 'good night I love you', and she wanted to hear anything that had happened even if she couldn't make it better.
She hadn't noticed, but in her reminiscing she had slowly fallen into a dull state of mind. The last thing she remembered thinking was Temari had never held her this way, and all her sweet words could have been summarized in one simple hug.
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Scolding: Heh, yeah this is probably gonna be a one or twoshot, it kind of depends I guess. I wonder if I'll get a reply to this, or if perhaps someone will finish this story for me? Who knows.
For everyone else, thank you for reading, reviews would be appreciated but useless flames are not. Constructive criticism and 'this sucked' are two different things.
Thank you :and TemTen & LeeGaa fans unite! We need a bigger fan base: