Again, the POE is screwed up... it switched from Daisuke to Taichi, back and forth, back and forth. It can make ya dizzy after a while, if ya ain't careful. And I have trouble writing in present tense.. 'cause it's wonky. And I find that I have a lot easier time writing from Daisuke's POV than Taichi's. Huh. Maybe it's 'cause I hate Taichi's guts (I'm sorry, but I'll never forgive him for hitting Koushiro). Anyway, without further ado, here it is no da!
"The Gift From The Keeper Of The Stars"
I open my eyes slowly, blinking away the sleep. I had thought it would never come.. but I'm glad it did. Glancing over at my clock radio, I see it's already noon. Great... just great. Half the day gone already, and I don't even know what I'm going to do...
Wait. Let me rephrase that. I know what I'm going to do.. but I'm not sure I should do it. Laying awake last night got me thinking... I promised myself I'd tell him. Today. This afternoon. But I'm not sure if I should tell him.. he might... I don't know... it's bad enough that he just sees me as a kid. But if he knew....
But what if... no. I can't think like that. I've got to be a realist. Still... it would be nice.. if he felt the same way. Hah, yeah right. Taichi, in love with someone like me? And a guy, no less? Not a chance.
I sigh, and sit up in bed. I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to go through with it... no. Can't think about it. If I do, I'll get scared and I'll chicken out, keep it bottled up inside. I'll tell him today. Until I do... I won't be able to live with myself.
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I haven't slept a wink all night. I keep thinking about Daisuke, and about how he'll never know what I feel. I won't tell him. I can't tell him. It's impossible.. I just.. can't.
I've been sitting here for hours, watching the sun rise. I'm kind of half asleep.. but it's not as bad as it might have been, considering I had a half-dream last night. A half-dream.. when you're not awake, but not sleeping. The word "daydream" never seemed to fit.. especially this one. Half-dream..
Me and him. Him and me. Typical fantasy. Fairly common. One I've been half-dreaming for a while.. I wish I could stop. If I could, it might help me sort out these damn emotions, change them to be what they're supposed to be... or at least, what everyone else says they're supposed to be. But I can't... I can't do that. I have no control over my mind. Things just.. happen.
I know it seems stupid but somehow, I can't help but wish that my dream would come true...
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Okay. You can do this. You WILL do this.
Hah. It's a hopeful thought... but how can it ever work if I keep standing here, staring at myself in the mirror? I don't know... I really don't know... I have to do this, but... maybe a phone call would work instead?
My reflection is staring back at me, as if to shout "No!". I think it's right. This is personal.. very personal.. I have to say it to his face. If I phone him, he might just think it's just a prank... he might not realize it's me, even. He might... he might...
Damnit, this is pointless. He doesn't.. can't... wouldn't.... but I have to. Even though I know he doesn't love me. I might go insane if I don't tell him... if he doesn't know... sure, he'll be surprised. Sure, he'll hate me. But maybe the feeling will go away...
I sigh, and throw on my jacket, glancing once more in the mirror before I turn to leave. Here it goes...
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Somehow, I think this day is just going to be weird. It's just this feeling... or maybe I'm just nuts. Maybe it's lack of sleep.... his fault. I hate to say it, but it's his fault. My fantasies are keeping me awake... not that I mind, really.
I don't usually spend much time looking at the sky, to realize how beautiful it is.. how crisp and blue it is, and how the sun is positioned just right... but that's what I'm doing now. Normally, I'm not a thoughtful person... well, that's what it used to be. But ever since I met him, I've been more.. dreamy, I guess. Maybe I'm changing... not necessarily for the better... and I know why. Thinking of him...
I hear something. The apartment buzzer... who the heck would that be? Mom and dad aren't home... Hikari is out... and it's not like I ever get many visitors. Probably just some friend of my parents.. sigh.
I walk over to the buzzer, hesitant to answer the call. I had, after all, been so deep in thought... thinking of him.... whoever this was, they should've known better than to have disturbed me. Still... it'd be rude not to answer..
"Hello?" I ask, pressing the buzzer to answer.
"Taichi? That you?"
I draw in my breath. Daisuke.... "Yeah, it's me. Come on up.." My heart begins doing flip-flops and I try desperately to stop my hands from shaking. Just when I was thinking of him, wishing he were here, he came.. maybe I should think more often.
"Are your parents home?"
I blink. Bizarre question for him to ask... "No," I reply. "Why?"
"Uh.. you'll see." He laughs... Gods, how I love that laugh. But it's nervous-sounding.. what the heck is he up to?
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I'm standing outside his door... man, am I ever nervous. My palms are all sweaty.. frustrated, I wipe them on my jacket. What if I forget what I'm going to say? I didn't rehearse it... maybe I should've? No. Can't... got to go with the flow. Got to take it as it comes...
I nearly jump as he opens the door. "Come in," he says, grinning. I step in, and try to smile back, but somehow, I can't......
"What's up?"
Oh. Great. Conversation. I didn't plan on that... didn't think of it... damn.
"Uh.. um... nothing," I stammer, looking down. Great, Daisuke. Great. Make a fool of yourself in front of the one you love. "I just... I..."
"Yeah?" he asks, looking at me. Oh gods...
"I need to tell you something," I blurt out. Damn it... this isn't going at all the way I had planned.
"Cool..." he lets his words trail off, as if thinking. He looks at me.. I can't help but look back... he seems concerned. Why? "Is something wrong?"
"Wrong? Me? Nope, nothing wrong going on here," I reply, trying to laugh. It comes out as a cough.. great, just great. He must think I'm a fool...
"Well, if you've got somethin' to say, I'll listen.. but you might want to come into my room for it, eh? Relax a bit, maybe... get a load off your mind, y'know?" He grins. I feel like I'm melting... I wish I could, here and now. It'd save me from the biggest embarrassment of my life..
"Yeah," I reply. My mouth feels suddenly dry...
"You know, you look kind of sick... are you sure there's nothing wrong?"
I nod stiffly. "Don't worry about it...."
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We're in my room... he's sitting on my bed, looking out the window... I'm in my computer chair, waiting. I'm looking at him, wishing I knew what's going on. He looks so tense... fidgeting, eyes wandering all over... for some reason, he can't look me in the eyes. I don't like this.... I wish so much that I could relieve that tension, make him feel better.... but of course I can't. All I can do is listen to him... Though, that isn't hard. Whatever he has to say, I'll listen...
"So, what was it you needed to talk to me about?" I ask, looking at him. No matter what's bothering him... I'll listen... I'll help him.... even if I have to leach it out of him.
He doesn't reply, merely closes his eyes and sighs. Whatever it is... it looks like it's hurting him. Killing him. I don't want him to hold it in... it's clearly painful, so why is he doing it?
"Daisuke... what's wrong?"
He looks up at me, directly at me, for the first time... I can't help but stare into his eyes. But... they look fearful.. and are those tears? They can't be tears.... can they?
"What's wrong?" I repeat, persistent.
"I...."
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I just can't seem to say it. Come on! Say it! I can't.....
He's talking to me, and I can't even answer. Damn it, why don't I just die here and now? His voice... it's so kind, so caring... he wants to know what's wrong. What's wrong? What's wrong! Oh, Taichi... if only you knew..
"I..." I stammer, and nearly choke. I clear my throat, and force myself to make eye contact. Oh damn... tears... they're coming.. I've got to hold them back. Got to...
"Daisuke...," he says, almost like he's whispering. "Come on, you can tell me anything... no matter what it is."
I close my eyes for a moment, and utter a silent prayer. Please, gods... just let me do this. I suck in my breath, and open my eyes, looking at him again. Let me do this.
He looks worried... Don't be worried, my Taichi. After this, you won't have to talk to me ever again..
"Taichi... I... I've needed to tell you this for a long time, but... I've just never been able to say it. It's been eating away at me for a long time, and I just.. can't.. stand it any more... " I pause, and bite my lip. His face is calm, though he still looks concerned... "I don't want you to be mad at me for this, but if you are, then I can't stop you.."
"It's all right, Daisuke... whatever it is, I'm sure it won't bug me as much as you think."
How can he say that?! He doesn't know....
"Well... fine. I just... I just..." I'm nearly ready to just tell him to forget it. But I can't.. no turning back now. Better just put it simply... it might hurt less that way. I look down.. I don't want to see his reaction when I tell him this. I can't say it..... but I will. "Taichi... I love you."
I hear a crash and look up, startled. Taichi.. he's on the floor... I think he fell out of his chair. He looks shocked.. astonished, maybe... Oh gods, what have I done? Damnit... now I've lost him.. everything... even his friendship was valuable to me, but no, it wasn't good enough.. I had to ruin it all...
He hasn't said anything yet... he's just staring at me... I can't take it. I've got to get out of here..
"I'm sorry, Taichi," I whisper as I stand up. "I shouldn't have told you." I leave, slamming the door behind me.
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All I can do is stare at him, his words ringing in my ears. He loves me... he... loves... me? How can he? It's... I... Are my wishes coming true?
No.. no, it can't be happening.. It's just a dream, it's got to be a dream... Or a joke. He's just playing a joke on me.... Probably Hikari's idea.. yeah, that's it, it's just a cruel joke.
Oh gods... who am I trying to kid.. his words were real, I know it..... He was telling the truth, and it nearly killed him... I can't believe I was breaking his heart without even knowing. This changes everything....
It takes me a moment to realize he's leaving. I hear him whisper "I shouldn't have told you". Yet all I can do is look up at him, stunned.... No! I can't let him go! Not now... I've waited too long for this moment!
I can't let this happen. I'm letting my love just.. just walk away, when he doesn't even know..
Barely able to breathe, I stand up, shaking. "Daisuke!" I call, throwing open the door. "Daisuke, wait! Don't go!"
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I hear him, calling after me.. he must have recovered from his little shock. I don't know why he doesn't want me to leave.... probably going to say something like "Oh, it's okay, I don't mind". Hah, yeah right. He'd be lying..
But still... I don't want to leave. I still have so much more to say.... but who cares? It doesn't matter anyway.
He's following me. What's he trying to do? Make me feel worse?!
"Daisuke, wait, please...."
"What the hell do you want, Taichi?" I mutter, whirling around to face him.
He doesn't reply, merely looks at me for a moment... I can feel frustration building up. I want to get out of here... I can't stay here any more, I can't.... shouldn't be here....
"Daisuke," he whispers, stepping toward me. "I'm sorry... I should have told you."
"Told me what?" I ask, looking at him strangely. "That you absolutely hate me now?"
He smiles... an apologetic kind of smile. "Nothing could be further from the truth," he murmurs.
I blink. What does he mean by that....? Oh my gods.... he's putting his arms around me... pulling me in close... I've never been this close to him before.. But why is he..?
"Taichi.. what..?" I stutter, looking up at him, confused. I'm enjoying this more than anything, but why..?
"Daisuke, there's something you should know," he says softly. Much to my disappointment, he lets go of me.. and takes my hand, leading me over to the couch. We sit down, but he doesn't let go of my hand... "Something that will change everything.."
What the heck is he talking about? He can't mean... can he?
"When you told me how you feel, I was just so.. happy...," he continues, staring off into space. "So happy.. because..." he smiles, and looks at me, gripping my hand tighter. "I love you too," he whispers.
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"T-t-Taichi?!" he gasps, staring at me. "You... you've got to be kidding."
For a brief moment, I begin to wonder if I was right, and he really is just playing a trick on me. "No," I say softly. "I'm not kidding. Are you?"
He shakes his head, and to my surprise wraps his arms around me. "No.... I'd never do that. I guess I just... never thought that it was possible that you'd feel the same way.. I thought I never even had a chance with you."
Oh Daisuke.. how could you think that? "I never thought I had a chance with you either.... I mean, you're always hanging out with Hikari..." Oh gods. Hikari....
"Is something wrong?"
I hold onto him tighter and sigh. "Hikari... she'll be crushed when she finds out about us. She likes you a lot... she told me herself. That's why I never thought we'd be together... because I thought you two would end up together."
"Don't worry about it... sure, she'll be hurt at first but... she'll get over it."
"Are you sure?"
He smiles. "Would I lie to you?"
"You're right... I don't have anything to worry about. Not now...... never again." Having said that, I kiss him gently. He kisses back, and somehow I know that this was meant to be.
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It's midnight. I'm looking out my open window at the stars.... they seem closer tonight than they've ever been. The dull ache in my heart is gone now... He's healed the pain. I never would have expected something as wonderful as this to happen... Perhaps there's someone out there, watching... Someone who planned all this....
In the silence of the night, I whisper, hoping whoever is out there can hear, if they are listening. "Kami-sama, or God, or Re, or whatever your name is..... Thank you." I smile, and close the window. "Thank you for the greatest gift in eternity."