A special thanks to my Beta Reader, Symphony17 and to my loyal readers. Sequel to "Mind Your Head." Enjoy. ;)
"Everyone take your seat, the Meeting of the Freaks with Big Swords will now commence," I called, banging my stick on the table.
"You really need to change the name," Renji grumbled.
"This is the Stick of Talking," I said, raising the stick in my hands. "The concept is simple – when someone speaks out of turn, I get to hit him or her on the head with my Stick of Talking."
"No way!" Ichigo exclaimed. "That's-"
I brought the stick down on Ichigo's head firmly.
"Unfair?" I continued. "I say what's fair and what's unfair."
"But this stick thing is-" Renji began reluctantly, but I silenced him with a sharp rap on the head. I turned to the other members seated around the table in turn, tapping the stick nonchalantly in the palm of my other hand.
"But that means Ishida's safe," Ichigo complained. "You wouldn't hit your boyfriend."
"I suppose that is true," Ishida said almost smugly, chuckling as he raised a hand to push his glasses farther up his nose. I took a step towards the pair and bonked Ichigo on the head, but as Ishida opened his mouth to laugh, he was most surprised when I gave him the same treatment.
"Don't underestimate me," I said reproachfully. "I don't practice favoritism. Ishida-kun will get the stick too, same as all of you."
"I assume I fall under the 'Diplomatic Immunity' category?" Captain Hitsugaya asked menacingly slowly from across the table. I raised the stick thoughtfully, as though debating what chance I had of getting out alive if I did, in fact, deny the child prodigy's request.
"I plead diplomatic immunity as well," his lieutenant piped up, raising her hand in the air. I bopped her on the head without a second thought.
"Toshiro is granted diplomatic immunity," I said smoothly. "And Urahara-san is granted home base immunity, because he provided the meeting room for today. However, the rest of you had better shut up before I shove this stick somewhere worse."
"I keep telling you, it's Captain Hitsugaya," Captain Hitsugaya said, a vein throbbing in his forehead.
"If you don't get the stick, you don't get the title either," I warned, waving the stick threateningly at him. I turned to Ichigo. "What's the first order of business?"
"Well," Ichigo said, scratching his head thoughtfully. "I'd say we'd better elaborate on the mission involved, and make sure everyone understands the risks."
"Well said," I said loftily, thumping him with the stick. Ichigo snapped.
"You asked me a question and I answered it, so please explain how that is speaking out of turn?" He demanded.
"It isn't," I said. "I just enjoy hitting people with a stick."
"You're sadistic," Ichigo muttered, his head bowed in submission.
"No, just bored," I said shortly, sitting back at the head of the table. "Now then, to the first order of business." I paused, and then began giggling.
"What is it?" Ichigo demanded.
"I was just thinking that we hadn't even begun the first order of business, and I've already hit each of you on the head. That's a good start to the meeting, I'd say," I chuckled.
"I haven't been hit yet," Orihime said cheerfully from the table, waving her hand in the air. "And Sado-kun and Kuchiki-san haven't been, either."
"Leave me out of this," Sado murmured from his seat. Rukia began whistling nonchalantly and trying to look as small as possible (which wasn't difficult, the shrimp that she was).
"Okay, so some of you haven't. Lucky buggers," I grumbled. "Now listen, this is only a practice mission, but it is imperative that you learn the lesson. Okay?"
There were a few murmured agreements.
"I said, 'okay?'" I called, jumping up and down with mock enthusiasm.
"Right!" The group agreed half-heartedly.
"Right," I said firmly. "This is the mission – we're going to have a World of the Living scavenger hunt!"
"That gives us an unfair advantage," Orihime began worriedly, but Ichigo shut her up by clapping a hand over her mouth.
"You're going down," Ichigo growled to Renji, who raised an eyebrow.
"I don't think so," Renji hissed.
"Here're copies of the list. You go when I say 'go.'" I said, lifting a stack of papers. I glanced nervously at Lieutenant Matsumoto, who had ducked under the table as soon as the paper appeared.
"What's with her?" I asked, jerking a thumb towards her now-empty seat.
"She's allergic to paperwork," Captain Hitsugaya explained with a sigh, taking a piece of paper from the top of the pile. His eyes scanned the list.
"Easy enough," Ichigo said. "I'll win, of course." He leaped up from the table. "Let's go!" He exclaimed, racing towards the door, followed closely by Renji.
"Hey!" I roared, turning on the pair. They stopped sheepishly. "Wait until I say go, all right?"
Ishida immediately snatched his list, stood up, and raced towards the door. I began chuckling.
"Hey! He's making a break for it!" Ichigo exclaimed, turning to me imploringly.
"Well, he does know me better than anyone," I said. "I just said 'go,' obviously."
"That's cheating!" Ichigo roared as he and Renji fought to get out of the doorway at the same time, finally bursting through and disappearing down the street.
Captain Hitsugaya got up wordlessly, and Orihime and Sado got their lists and headed after the others. Finally, Urahara, Lieutenant Matsumoto, and I were left. I began giggling.
"What is it this time?" Urahara asked with a sigh.
"The thing about people who don't originally come from here is that they don't know what the human world has and, in particular, what it doesn't," I explained. "Of course, Ichigo knows, but with the possibility of defeating his rival, he didn't even glance at the list."
"What was on the list?" Matsumoto asked, appearing from under the table.
"Oh, a bunch of things," I said dismissively. "Including, but most definitely not limited to, rainbow-colored paint, elbow grease, a bottle or can of Tender Loving Care, and tampons. Now, to the next order of business," I added in a business-like fashion. "What's for lunch?"
Captain Hitsugaya paused in the Women's Sanitary Products section of this human supermarket, his eyes having caught the word 'tampon.'
He headed down the aisle, wishing he had discarded his gigai before beginning this scavenger hunt. As he stopped in front of a large array of different brands, he was quite lost.
He reached up and grabbed a random box, turning it over to examine the back. The box was damaged, apparently, because there wasn't much of the back left, revealing the product inside. On the product there were detailed instructions for the use of the product.
As his eyes scanned the back of the box, his face became more and more drained of all emotion. As he reached the bottom, he very carefully replaced the box on the shelf as though it were highly dangerous explosives.
His right eyebrow twitched almost imperceptibly, and he turned and began slowly walking back down the aisle, his innocent young mind permanently sullied by mere instructions for proper use of a human product.
Maybe he wasn't as strong as he thought he was.
Renji and Ichigo both stood in front of the interior decorating store, their noses pressed against the glass. Renji was looking furiously from one side of the store to the other.
"It says 'paint,' so they must have it," he exclaimed.
"Of course," Ichigo replied. "What color did it say again?"
"Rainbow," Renji said, glancing down at the list. Ichigo turned back to him very slowly.
"I see," he said laboriously, pulling out his own list. He read carefully down the numbered items, feeling more and more stupid each second. He crumpled the list very deliberately and tossed it over his shoulder.
"What are you doing?" Renji exclaimed.
"Jun was just having fun," Ichigo growled. "More than half these things aren't real, and the other half are dead embarrassing."
"Oh?" Renji asked, looking down at his own list. "So, tampons?"
"Dead embarrassing," Ichigo replied. "Like I'd go into a store and buy tampons. That damn Jun! When I get my hands on her, she'll regret sending us on this wild goose chase."
"And risk the Stick of Talking?" Renji asked, eyebrow raised. Ichigo was silent.
"Well, we'll come up with a way to get her back," he grumbled, heading down the street. Renji followed at a leisurely pace.
Orihime looked curiously up at the variety of nails and screws. She and Sado had gone on to the hardware store in search of elbow grease, which Orihime was certain she had seen before. Though Sado disagreed, she looked so cheerful that he went along anyway.
"There it is!" Orihime exclaimed eagerly, pointing up at the cans of different brands of grease and oil near the end of the aisle. Sado followed her gaze.
Sure enough, on a tall shelf head-height for him, there sat a brand of axle grease called 'Elbow' Grease, with a picture of an elbow.
So a grease-making company had, in fact, taken advantage of that metaphor. Perfect. Sado reached up and took down two bottles, one for him and one for Orihime, and they both headed towards the cash register.
"Sister," Kon said excitedly from the ground. Rukia looked down at him.
"What?" She asked.
"I don't think there's any such thing as Tender Loving Care. Or, at least, not prepackaged," Kon said. Rukia sighed.
"Kon, I know that. The list is obviously a test to see how we'd react to an impossible mission," she said wryly. "I imagine Ichigo and the others are having a hard time."
"Oh!" Kon exclaimed. "You're so smart, sister!"
"I know," Rukia said, grinning. Kon tried to take advantage of this situation by leaping into her arms, but he was stopped mid-flight by Rukia's foot.
"Don't even think about it," she said matter-of-factly, giving him a good stomp before continuing down the street.
"Back already, are you?" I asked, looking up from my cellphone as Ishida entered Urahara's Shop. He was the first to arrive back.
"I must say, Jun-chan, you have a twisted mind," Ishida said slowly, sitting beside me and dropping the list onto the table.
"Would a gorgeous girl with a great sense of humor and a twisted mind be playing Angry Birds on her new iPhone?" I asked, raising my cellphone and waving it in his face. Ishida glanced at the phone in my hands.
"Oh?" He asked. "How are you doing?"
"I've breached level two and am attempting to infiltrate level three. If I'm not back in ten minutes, call my cell-phone provider," I said seriously. Ishida nodded.
"Will do," he said, sighing and leaning back against me. I shrugged him off.
"You made me split the blue bird too soon," I complained, glaring at him accusingly. "Now I have to restart the level."
"Sorry," Ishida said apologetically.
"Oh, whatever. I'll just play something else," I grumbled, tapping the screen. Ishida watched the door of the shop.
"I wonder how long it will take until the rest of them realize what the test was all about." Ishida wondered aloud. He was interrupted by a stomach-churning squishing sound. He whipped around.
"Geez, it's just Fruit Ninja," I said, chortling. "You should've seen your face, though. Man, at full volume, this sound would be a perfect horror movie soundtrack."
"Thank you for that pleasant image," Ishida said painfully, his eye twitching as he raised a hand to straighten his glasses.
"Captain!" Matsumoto exclaimed, standing to attention as the short figure appeared in the doorway, swaying slightly.
"I lost five years of my life out there," he said distantly, staring into space. "I… will never be the same again."
"Well, that's only if you didn't have five years to spare anyway," Matsumoto said dismissively. "What was it? What happened?"
"His face looks like one of a young person who thought it'd be a good idea to read the instructions on a certain product before purchasing it for the hunt," I said thoughtfully, without looking up from my phone. I chuckled. Captain Hitsugaya very slowly turned to me.
"I will have nightmares for months," he said in a level tone. "Pray tell, how is that funny?"
"Did I say it was?" I asked innocently as Orihime and Sado appeared.
"We got elbow grease!" Orihime exclaimed triumphantly, slamming the can down on the table. I looked at the can, totally shocked.
"You did?" I exclaimed. I quickly put on a serious face. "I mean, of course you did. Good for you."
"Rainbow paint, huh?" said a voice from above my shoulder. I looked up.
The atmosphere in the room changed from normal to negative instantly and, as I looked up at the expression on Ichigo's face, I was almost frightened (note my use of the word 'almost;' I'm not that easily dissuaded).
"Had fun with this little 'scavenger hunt' now, did you?" Ichigo sneered.
"Yes, I rather did," I admitted. "You have fun, too? Good."
"No, I can't say I did," Ichigo said, sitting down firmly and staring me down.
As he sat down, there was a loud squishing sound. Ichigo immediately got up, blushing pomegranate. I burst out laughing, dropping my iPhone, still playing Fruit Ninja, back onto the table.
"The watermelons make the best sounds, don't they?" I asked between fits of laughter.
"Personally, I like the pears," Ishida said thoughtfully from behind her.
"You bastard," Ichigo began, leaning over her.
"Kurosaki-san," Urahara said distastefully from across the table. "Though she was, of course, the main orchestrator, this hunt was originally my idea. She merely came up with the list. I wanted to test your abilities to respond to an impossible mission."
"I knew it," Ichigo growled. "So it was you, old man."
"You wound me," Urahara said piteously, hiding behind his little fan as he fluttered it in front of his face.
"—try that again, Kon!"
Angry voices could be heard at the door.
"Sister! One embrace is all I ask! Bring me to your negligible bosom!"
There was a crashing sound.
"Don't make me repeat myself for the tenth time," Rukia said, as it was indeed she, appearing at the door. Kon's shape was still somehow recognizable as he crawled into the shop, his stuffing spilling onto the floor.
"Rukia!" Ichigo exclaimed from his seat.
"Have fun?" She asked, settling down. Ichigo waggled a finger at her accusingly.
"You knew, didn't you?" He demanded.
"As soon as I read the list," Rukia said smugly. "But, of course, you probably got it right after reading the list yourself, so I'm not saying I told you so or anything."
"He read it, of course, but someone should've put a tag on him. Something along the lines of 'Warning; delayed reaction,'" I piped up from my seat. Ichigo's eyes narrowed in my direction, and I shrugged.
"That was… interesting," Renji admitted from his own seat, folding his arms. "Next time, perhaps explain what some of the items are before sending us off to look for them, though."
"You don't want to know," Captain Hitsugaya said firmly, shaking his head deliberately. "Believe me – you don't… want… to know."
"Okay, I admit, I may have gone a little too far," I said, putting my hands up. "You guys are way too uptight, though. I mean, you're all kids, right? Sit back and enjoy life!"
I suddenly sat up, an idea coming to mind. Everyone cringed back because, knowing me, when I had that look on my face there was no stopping me.
"I know!" I exclaimed. "We'll all go to the beach! It's the perfect time of year, and besides, I've always wanted to see Ishida in a swimsuit."
Ishida seemed to be shocked into silence, along with everyone else in the room.
"What?" I said belligerently.
"That's an interesting idea," Matsumoto said thoughtfully. She nodded, a smile spreading across her face. "That would be so fun!"
"Matsumoto," her captain sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. Matsumoto immediately turned the full force of her big, blue, puppy-dog eyes towards him, simpering most attractively.
"Please, captain? For me?" She begged.
"On one condition," Captain Hitsugaya replied. "When we get back, you do the paperwork like I told you to."
Matsumoto sagged.
"But captain," she tried. Hitsugaya shook his head.
"That's final," he said firmly. Matsumoto hung her head.
"Fine," she grumbled.
"And not while drunk," Captain Hitsugaya added. Matsumoto sagged even lower and grumbled a barely coherent response.
"Perfect!" I said, standing up. "We can all go tomorrow. Oh, this is going to be my best idea yet!"
"It had better be better than your idea to get a cat out of a tree by sending a dog up after it," Ishida said, raising a hand to push his glasses farther up his nose.
"Well, I didn't have the right kind of dog," I said indignantly. "Or the right kind of tree. Actually, I have to go buy a swimsuit. You want to come with?" I asked excitedly, leaning towards my boyfriend.
"I have some things to attend to myself," Ishida said woefully. "You'll have to go without me."
"I need a swimsuit!" Matsumoto exclaimed excitedly. "We can go together and help each other pick one out."
"Perfect!" I said, excitement boiling up inside me.
This was going to be the best shopping trip ever.