[I know I'm really late, but I just watched Killer App and this popped into my head. I can't believe the ending we were left with, I think we should've had a season 4 :(]

"Why don't you tell her, dad?"

"I really don't have an answer for that one, love.", he said.

But that wasn't true, and he knew it. There was a reason, there were many reasons.

But mostly, it was because he was afraid.

Cal Lightman doesn't scare easily.

Now, even as he thinks about it, he only remembers feeling genuine fear a few times in his adult life. And all of those times just happened to include Gill or Emily.

They were, undoubtedly, the two most important people in his life.

Emily was his daughter. Gillian; his best friend, even though he wanted so much more. He loved her. Sometimes he loved her so much it hurt.

And he realized he'd never said it out loud before today.

He'd known for years. First, not wanting to admit it to himself. But finally he had to. He was in love with his best friend. It was pathetic, stupid really.

Now even his daughter knew. Hell, Gill probably knew too. But she also knew him well enough to know that he'd never say it. Never admit it.

So, all these years, even as he knew he loved her, he ignored it.

Or at least, tried. He slept with random women, even went out on the occasional date, trying to forget.

But it would always go the same. He would see her face in every woman, hear her voice in his head, and he would feel guilty. For what, he didn't know, just that the guilt would embed itself in his brain, until he couldn't stand it anymore. And Emily wondered why he was still alone.

All these years he'd watched her with Alec, with Burns, comforted her when she needed it, let her cry on his shoulder.

He was just waiting, waiting for the moment he'd finally be ready to tell her.

But somewhere, deep inside he knew it was never going to happen.

He was afraid; of rejection, of ruining what they had, and most of all, of hurting her.

He wasn't good enough for her, that he knew.

Cal was broken and damaged, and he was just an asshole most of the time, while she seemed to be perfect.

It was a surprise she'd even managed to stay partners with him for this long.

And maybe it was a good thing; that he wouldn't say it, because if he did, and something started between them, he knew he'd end up hurting her.

He'd be stupid and reckless and mess something up, and then they would never be the same. And he couldn't risk that, not with her.

He tried to reassure himself with that while he got up and answered the door, finding Gillian there, tears down her face, looking ashamed on his doorstep. Ashamed that she needed him, he assumed.

He tried to keep his conversation with Emily out of his head as he pulled her close and led her inside, knowing she'd need a shoulder to cry on tonight.

And that's what he would be. Her friend, her partner, her shoulder to cry on.

And he would try to push his feelings down, to pretend they weren't there, but it would all fail, and he would end up thinking about it anyway.

At least he knew one thing. He wouldn't tell her; not tonight, maybe not ever.

Tonight, he would just let her fall asleep on his shoulder and wipe away her tears.

Tonight, he was just her best friend, nothing more.

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