Legend of Zelda is property of Nintendo, I don't own it, I'm not pretending to own it. If you like the series, please support it by buying the games and whatnot!
Warning: contains heavy spoilers for Skyward Sword, as well as heavy cursing.
Headmaster Gaepora jumped a little at the sound of his chamber door opening.
He was rarely interrupted during his ruminations. His instructors knew better than to try to talk to him about anything useful, and his students had social lives. So when someone came in, he automatically assumed it was someone unpleasant – a robber, perhaps, or an enforcer for Skyloft's vast criminal underworld.
He kept his gaze focused resolutely on his bookshelf, hoping that if he didn't seem to notice them, they would leave without harming him. He also remained completely still in case their eyesight was poor. But as the footsteps came closer and closer, he began to lose hope.
"Hey, Headmaster. I've got questions."
Gaepora sighed in relief. His single, physically-impossible eyebrow raised in excitement as he turned to see Link, his favorite student, and quite possibly his only hope of seeing his daughter again.
"Oh, Link!" said Gaepora. "Have you found Zelda yet? How is she?"
Link rolled his eyes. "She's fine. I already told you. She went back in time. She's still back there. Also, for some reason she trapped herself in crystal, probably to motivate me to actually save the world, because holy crap is this starting to stretch out a little. Anyway, yeah. Questions."
"You must have some important purpose for being here," continued Gaepora. "I rarely get visitors, and you certainly look like you have something on your mind-"
"That's because I have literally zero reason to ever be here. I don't even have to go back to my room, because for some reason everyone in the world is fine with me sleeping in their beds for up to a day at a time."
"Hrm. Yes," said Gaepora, having ignored everything Link had said up until that point. "How can I help you save my daughter? I miss her so, and all I want is to hear that she is safe."
Link squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his fingers to the centre of his forehead. "She's fine. Also, she's apparently the reincarnation of the Goddess Hylia, you should probably look into that." He shook his head. "Anyway, the Triforce. I'm looking for it. It's in Skyloft. Please tell me you know where it is."
Gaepora gasped. The Triforce had been mentioned in his texts, but... "I'm sorry, I don't. The legends say it is somewhere here, in Skyloft-"
"I know. Goddammit."
"-but the only one who might know where it lies is Levias, Skyloft's ancestral guardian. He knows a great many things."
Link nodded. "Cool, point me to him."
"Sadly, Levias has not been seen in quite some time! I am starting to worry about him. I told Instructor Owlan to look into the matter. He will know more than me."
"Just... goddammit," said Link, planting his palm on his face. "Can we maybe bring him in here? He can give you his report with me around, just to save time?"
"Nope."
"...Fuck it all," said Link, leaving without another word.
Gaepora went back to staring at his bookshelf.
"...and it appears that Levias has been possessed by some manner of evil monster!" said Owlan. "He prowls the Thunderhead, attacking any who draw near. I was unable to even speak to him."
Link sighed. "Okay, monsters. I can deal with that. Great, so-"
"You will need to master a new technique!" said Owlan.
Having expected this, Link just nodded. He had long ago gotten used to this pattern. "Alright. Are you going to teach me how to shoot arrows while on birdback or something?"
Owlan's eyes widened. "Heavens, no!"
"Then what? Clawshot?" asked Link. "Can I just clawshot onto the thing? Then hit it with my sword?"
"Never!" said Owlan grimly. "You must always have both hands on your bird. Always!"
"How am I supposed to kill the thingy then?" said Link. "You aren't seriously saying-"
"I will teach your bird the Spiral Charge technique," said Owlan, "and it will carry you to victory."
"Fuuuuuuck," said Link. It was bad enough that he had to fly on that damn bird across a vast, barren skyscape any time he wanted to go anywhere. Now he apparently had to use those unwieldly reigns to fight a possessed sky-guardian? Fuuuuuuuuuuuck.
"Come with me," said Owlan, "and I will put you through the training course to test your use of the skill."
"Can you just tell me how to do it and I'll figure it out?" asked Link. "Or maybe, instead of telling me verbally, put me in a situation that leads me to the solution on my own, a method that is scientifically proven to work better than just telling someone how to do stuff?"
Owlan shook his head. "Of course not. I will give you a series of targets to hit, some of which move erratically and change direction without warning. You must destroy ten of them within two minutes."
"FUCK," said Link. "That's completely useless. That won't even prepare me at all to fight a giant monster."
"I cannot in good conscience let you use this technique until you have passed my arbitrary licensing exam," said Owlan.
"I'm literally never going to use this again," said Link. "It's practically identical to the dash that my bird already knows. Just let me freaking go. Please."
"Nope," said Owlan. "Come on. Test time."
"Goddammit," said Link. "Just goddammit."
Several hours later, Link stood triumphant at one of the island's many jump-off points. Owlan stared vacantly, yet proudly.
"Well done!" said Owlan. "You have mastered the technique-"
"I lucked out and hit a bird by accident," interrupted Link.
"-and I will now allow your bird to use it without my supervision. You are as prepared as you could possibly be to face Levias and the creature possessing him. I wish you luck."
Link shrugged. He didn't need luck. He had a whole crapload of bottled fairies. It was the next best thing to being immortal.
"Now," said Owlan, "you must embark. Hurry, as fast as you can, to-"
"The Thunderhead, right?" asked Link.
"-to the Lumpy Pumpkin, where you will get your bait for Levias! Levias loves pumpkin soup."
Link threw his arms into the air. "No! Just no! Lumpy Pumpkin's on the opposite side of the fucking world from the Thunderhead. You're literally just sending me there to waste my time."
Owlan stared blankly. "You must draw Levias out of hiding," he said.
"Look, you found him without goddamn soup," said Link. "You said it yourself. You were investigating him. Well, whoopty doo. I'm gonna investigate. I'm just gonna find him."
"You will not find him without pumpkin soup," said Owlan. "Levias loves pumpkin soup."
"Fucking no. Goddammit."
Owlan shrugged. "Suit yourself. Good luck finding him without soup, though."
"I am going to find that fucking guardian," said Link, "and I'm going to use this fucking technique you made me practice, and then he's going to tell me where the fucking Triforce is and I'm going to finish this fucking quest. Goddamn." Without another word, he jumped from the diving platform and called his bird.
It would be approximately twelve hours before he gave up his search and went to just retrieve the damn soup.
"Thank you for freeing me from that vile pest, Link!" said Levias in his great, booming windfish voice. "Oh, the smell of that soup... it is intoxicating."
"TRIFORCE," shouted Link from atop Levias's back, covered in whale-tail-shaped bruises. "WHERE."
"I trust that you wish for me to tell you where the Triforce is," said Levias. "That is my duty, to instruct the Hero on where to find it!"
"YES. Do it. Talk. Hurry."
"Unfortunately I cannot."
"FUUUUUUUUUUU-"
"You must go and find the three great dragons, for each of them will teach you a fragment of the Song of the Hero! This is the song that will allow you to find the Triforce once and for all!"
"No! FUCKING NO!" shouted Link. "Look, I know where it is. It's in Skyloft. I could literally just start looking. In fact, I'm like 90% sure it's in or around that giant statue of the Goddess."
"Only the Song of the Hero will guide you, Link!" said Levias. "Go to the dragons! Speak to them!"
"I'm going to use this bird attack technique I just learned and I am going to hit the statue until it breaks."
"Time is of the essence! Our prayers go with you!"
"The statue is going to crack like a fucking egg and the Triforce will be right inside," continued Link. "I'm going to wish for Demise to explode and for Zelda to be legal and then all my problems will be over forever."
"Have fun talking to the dragons," said Levias. "Tell them I said hi."
"What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck?!" shouted Link.
He was already at the end of his rope, having been forced to re-seal The Imprisoned for the third consecutive time. Now, to learn that the reason he couldn't just teleport to the Water Dragon was because she flooded all of Faron Woods...
It was said that the Chosen Hero had an unbreakable soul. Recent events were testing this statement. Rigorously.
"Flooding the woods solved my monster problem quite efficiently!" boasted the Water Dragon. "Now there are far fewer. I am entirely satisfied."
"First off, no. There are exactly as many enemies as before," said Link, "because some of them are amphibious, and now there are evil fish who want to attack everything. So there's that."
"Entirely satisfied," repeated the Water Dragon.
"Second off, it made it way harder to get here, and I don't know how I'm gonna get out, and goddamn it there are still two more fucking dragons to talk to before I learn that entire song."
"Of course! The Song of the Hero!" With a flourish, the Water Dragon summoned a blue orb into existence. "I can bestow the first part upon you immediately, as is the purpose assigned to me by Hylia in eons past."
"Fucking finally," said Link.
"...But I believe it is time to put the chosen hero to the test," said the Water Dragon. She cast the orb into the sky, where it shattered into hundreds of tiny, sparkling pieces. They scattered among the submerged Faron Woods, glittering like diamonds as they fell.
"Collect the fragments of the song, and you will have completed your test."
Link just watched.
"...Hero?" asked the Water Dragon. "Are you alri-"
"You know what?" said Link. "Fuck this, and fuck you. I'm done. Just... fuck it."
He unstrapped the Master Sword and tossed it away. The Water Dragon stared impassively.
"Look, lady," he said, "you could have just given me the fucking song. I've tested myself over and over again. Some of them were magic tests that only the chosen hero could solve. I solved them. Bam, tested. But no, now you're going to make me search through this entire area for at least the third fucking time to find tiny glowing fragments of something you could have handed to me in five seconds. And I know how this quest works by now, the other two dragons are going to do the exact same fucking thing. Just no."
"You take issue with my test?" asked the Water Dragon.
"Fuck your stupid fucking test," said Link. "I was only doing this to save Zelda, but just... screw it. She's nice and all, but she trapped herself in that crystal. I'm not going through this bullshit just to get her out. I'm gonna go back to Skyloft, hook up with the Item Check girl, and live out the rest of my days without having to put up with any of this goddamn grind."
"Chosen Hero-"
"Nope!" said Link. "Done with that now. Let somebody else do it. Or don't. This world can go fuck itself."
"Chosen Hero-"
"I've been searching for DAYS to find something even though I already know exactly where it fucking is!" shouted Link. "I'm done jumping through your shitty hoops. I don't need this. I'm done! Goodbye!"
"Chosen Hero, if it truly means that much to you, then here," said the Water Dragon. "I will collect the pieces myself and give you the song."
Link frowned. "Really?"
"Really."
"Oh," he said. "Okay, then. Thanks."
"I mean, I simply wanted to ensure that you got enough value out of your quest," said the Water Dragon. "These are memories that should last a lifetime. Would it really be worth it if you could just do it all instantly, without trouble?"
"This isn't value," said Link. "This is work. You aren't making it better, you're making me waste time. It dilutes the experience. Just scratch the filler, I'm not doing this quest to retread the same ground eight times, I'm doing it to fight monsters and use items and solve puzzles. Let me go get the Triforce and I'll be satisfied."
"If you say so."
She returned shortly after and granted Link part of the Song of the Hero, apologizing along the way for the inconvenience and promising to un-flood the woods. He accepted graciously.
"Thanks," he said. "This might actually be the first time I've met anybody who did things the sensible way instead of sending me running a pointless errand. I hope the other dragons do the same."
"We are a good-natured lot," said the Water Dragon, "once you get to know us. I trust they will be just as eager to help you on your quest as I am."
As Link waved goodbye and started for the sky, though, the Water Dragon began to feel a nagging bit of doubt.
"Did I give him the right song?" she wondered. Oh well. It didn't matter.
He'd figure it out eventually.
"Hey, I just met you," sang Link as he strummed his harp, "and this is crazy! But here's my number..."
It was his thirtieth consecutive playthrough of the Song of the Hero. His fingers were starting to bleed. The statue of Hylia was stubbornly refusing to respond. But he was sure the Triforce would reveal itself eventually if he Just. Kept. Playing.
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
Not my best work but I belted it out in about two hours... this is pretty much pure dialog, and I guess I could give it some more substance if I tried. Meh.
I have a bigger and better Zelda story planned, and I was going to finish Skyward Sword first to make sure I stayed consistent with its continuity. I have since changed my mind, thanks to the very same events that inspired this one-shot. Fuck, why is it that every Japanese developer these days feels the need to pad their games with 20 hours of backtracking and fetch quests?
It feels good to step outside the realm of Golden Sun stories, though. There'll definitely be more, starting with that Zelda story I mentioned. Just as soon as I look up Skyward Sword's ending on youtube...