Choices
Author's Note: I was writing a bit of my original series when I thought that I was bored and felt like writing something on one of my favorite couples: Hinata and Neji.
Neji knew that she was beautiful. Her tresses were bright and white, a stark contrast to his dark brown hairs. Her eyes were as red as blood, and when their eyes met, he knew that she loved him. She was petite and fine and everything a wife could be imagined to be. She swept through their quarters in a daze, planning gatherings and buying clothing. She was graceful and loved society.
At night, she was always wide awake. Her fingers touched his ear and she murmured, "What are you thinking about, Neji?"
The name sounded wrong coming from her. He felt his pulse quicken and imagined that he was being restrained by something. "Nothing," he answered.
It was not as though he never saw Hinata anymore. As her protector, he saw her most frequently--- often more than her husband did. At Hyuuga gatherings or parties, though, he had Ichigo clutching his arm and Hinata was accompanied by her own husband. Somewhere along the way, things had changed.
It had not been his decision. While the Main House had to be kept as pure as possible, Branch House members were free to intermarry with non-Hyuuga. However, political agreements often came into the mixture, making the batter sticky and troublesome before it could even become cake. It was a known fact that Branch House members were generally considered of less importance, so marrying one not of sufficient standing could ruin a treaty. It had been mere luck that Kohaku Ichigo had looked upon him with considerable interest and had been willing to wed him afterwards.
Neji watched his wife as she chattered continuously. Her voice was voluminous and happy. She swung her arms about dramatically to illustrate a point in a story and did not notice him watching her. He touched her hand briefly, catching it in midair. "I am going to go outside and take a turn through the garden."
Ichigo did not seem to hear him, for she was busy cooing over some children.
He quickly stepped out towards the door. It was snowing lightly and a chill breeze went through his hair. The ground looked as though it had been dusted with glitter, because light from inside reflected against the newly fallen snow. Neji was painfully reminded of his father's death. He felt like a little boy once again, looking for and imagining what he could not have.
The door slid open behind him. There were light footsteps and then a hand on his shoulder. "Neji," said Hinata quietly. After growing older, she had lost her stutter and become at least a mediocre leader. She tended to be hesitant when the situation did not call for it and over-hesitant when the situation did require wariness. It was more than he had expected, though he felt vaguely disappointed… it was perverse to hope that another would become a failure. No, he was proud of her. "Why are you alone here?"
"I needed a moment alone." He closed his eyes briefly as she felt her take his hand in her own. His fingers were cold, and her warmth startled him.
"Would you like for me to leave?" she asked.
He caught her hand before she could back away. "No. Stay."
The Hyuuga leader smiled kindly and held out her arm for her cousin to take. They set out for the indoors quietly. There was snow in Neji's hair, she noted vaguely as they started for the indoors. "It is cold," she remarked. "I wish one of us had thought to bring an umbrella."
"Umbrella?" he asked with some curiosity.
"It would keep away the snow," she explained.
"But not make the cold leave," he noted. He took off his jacket and put it around her. "Are you warm enough to talk to me now?"
She gave some lilting laughs to the snowy atmosphere. "I am never too cold to talk to you. It is just that I have been busy. I feel as though we have not spoken in years. You must tell me everything. How do you and Ichigo like your new home?"
Neji looked towards the lights of the warm building they had left just earlier and thought of his own quarters. They were far too large and empty and far too cold. Ichigo, retired from life as a ninja since their marriage, spent her time rearranging furniture and selecting new curtains. When he came home from missions, things were all placed differently. His steps were always slow as he attempted to navigate his way through the foreign place, as it always felt to be. He had not expected to live like this. However, Hinata was still watching him and expecting an answer. "It is excellent. I just wish that I could see you more often." Her fingers were warm on his arm. "I am not used to being without you for companionship."
"I understand what you mean." She seemed wistful as she continued, "Do you ever wish things were the same as they had always been? Everything is so different now."
He thought of himself in his youth, devoted to Hinata, then abhorring her, then in love again… his emotions had never changed. There had always been a combination of hatred and love in his inclinations towards her. "Not everything is different."
"No," she agreed. "You are still my Neji-nii-san."
"And you are still my Hinata-sama."
They had somehow begun walking deeper into the garden rather than turning back to the party. It was far behind them, now. It was easy to pretend that there were not two people inside who had greater claims on them than they had on each other.
Ichigo disliked being pregnant. She often wailed about her changed shape and how her feet ached.
Neji did not know what to do, so he threw himself into his duties with more enthusiasm than ever. He wanted her to be happy, but he could not summon anything other than vague annoyance at his wife for not trying harder. Yet she was his wife, so he loved her, of course. He took her hand and helped her into a chair, brought her what she requested, and did not think about what it would have been like if it were Hinata.
He visited Hinata a few times, when Ichigo was not with him. Although he did not dislike visiting with Ichigo, his wife tended to command so much of his cousin's attention that he felt like an extra screw in the wooden door, present and vital but ignored. It tended to feel as though things were as they used to be when he went alone.
The snow had begun falling in earnest since the night of the party, so long ago. He liked listening to the way his footsteps fell on the soft ground. He smiled slightly before walking more quickly towards Hinata's private audience room. She had been restricted to conducting matters inside the Hyuuga residence since the tensions between Konoha and Otogakure had thickened.
Since Hiashi's untimely death at the hands of Kabuto, the Hyuuga family had recognized the need to keep their leaders safe. It was more than a death. There was great symbolism and considerable stigma attached to the death of a leader. It indicated that the leader was not strong, and so implied that whatever the leader had led was also not strong. After the death of its Kazekage--- without anyone noticing the murder and replacement until the notorious Chuunin Exams---Suna had been mocked both privately and publically by the other countries. Then, their next Kazakage brought glory until he had been kidnapped! It had taken Gaara at least slight effort to prove the worth of Suna once again after that embarrassing occurrence. That was why it was vital for Hinata, Leader of the Hyuugas, to remain unharmed.
She noticed that he was at her door and immediately gave her permission for him to enter before he asked. "Neji!" she exclaimed happily as he composedly closed the door behind him. "I am happy to see you. Hino is still on his diplomatic trip to Suna. I have been wanting for company. I only wish you had come sooner." It was almost humorous how at ease she was in his company.
Neji wondered at how she had cast away all memories of his anger against her in earlier years in exchange for the simple relationship they had now. Although he loved her, there was still that hatred bearing down on him inside his mind, like a terrible dragon ready to pounce. He pushed the ill feelings away in favor of conversation. "If I had known you were alone here, I would have come sooner."
She smiled and put away a stack of papers. It was getting more difficult for him to ignore the way his heartbeat quickened whenever she looked at him like that. "Do sit down."
He seated himself. "How long as Hino been away?" Hino had been a young Main House member who tended not to stand too much into the spotlight. He boasted modest skills and a collected demeanor. It had been an arranged marriage rather than a love match, but both Hinata and Hino seemed satisfied with the situation. Hinata's kindness and Hino's leadership had continued the Hyuuga's image and success.
"You know," she pointed out. She realized that he had asked that for the sake of conversation. "How is Ichigo?" The practice of returning questions had come easily as she adapted to society and its need for speech.
Kohaku Ichigo. The strawberry dressed in red and white who claimed his hand in marriage, whose proposal had been approved of by this relative of his who sat before him, smiling as she anticipated an answer. "She is excited about her child. She has been spending time trying to find a suitable nanny."
Hinata smiled indulgently. "That is the way Ichigo is." She was slightly worried at how Neji distanced himself from his offspring. Sometimes, it felt as though Neji still resented her for allowing his marriage to pass in order to bring peace between their two rival clans. He had claimed to understand the situation, but that might have been a façade to please their family.
"True." Neji felt as though they were two parents discussing a wayward daughter and found that he had a distinct lack of words.
"I have been neglecting my work lately," she admitted softly. "It is difficult to have things as they are. I must care for an entire extended family and still find time for outside matters."
He thought that he might scold her for such wistfulness but the dreamy look in her eyes caused him to measure his words again. "Hold on to your dreams."
"They are only beams of moonlight, and that is all. In the end, we are left with our choices. We can to nothing but make the best of them."
His heart crumbled a bit more at the finality in her words. "Would you change any choices, if you could?"
She looked away, dipping her brush in ink again and grinding the bristles against the stone. "I think I would," she confessed finally, "but it has all been done. Is there anything you would change?"
"Does not everyone have regrets?"
Hinata said nothing. She carefully wrote her name onto a document.
Neji saw himself out.
He had never been as imaginative as Hinata, but it was simple to imagine things now. This place was his quarters and this woman was his wife. He imagined that he would return from a mission the next day and she would be watching him, gentle and smiling. Then, he remembered Ichigo trying to find a proper pattern for their curtains and brushing invisible dust from a table.
In the darkness, he closed his eyes and tried to imagine that he was not in love with Hinata.
The child was born too early, like a youth thrown too quickly into the trials of adulthood. It might have been better if the child had never come. It was a girl, tiny and fragile. He imagined that she would shatter if he held her too firmly. He could see crimson veins through her semi-transparent skin, and she cried so softly. The baby died in his embrace, while he was gently trailing a finger over her small hand.
And Ichigo would not stop bleeding.
Hinata and a few Hyuuga medics were there. They crooned over the delicate white-haired strawberry blossom. Her face was pale and her hair stuck to her face. Her eyelashes had lowered and not gone up again. It was as though she would not, could not, see the world anymore. Hinata rushed back and forth to change the bloody sheets while the medics kept working to save what remained of Ichigo's life.
Neji stood behind the curtain separator, feeling rather useless. Hino took the dead baby girl from Neji's slack grip and placed her into the bed she would have slept in, had she survived. Hino was long-haired and pale-skinned, like almost every other Hyuuga. These similarities made each one similar to the next, regardless of whether one belonged to Main or Branch. Neji wondered whether they might have ended up exchanging places had Ichigo looked upon Hino with more favor.
Ichigo was breathing shallowly. The sounds of it drifted through the air, over the tears and pleas. There was something lovely yet terrible about it, because it meant that she was still alive. Her heart beat fast and her chest moved up and down. He touched his own wrist and felt his pulse beating too quickly, like hers. She was still bleeding, breathing as she struggled to stay attached to her life thread.
She breathed and bled, eyes still closed.
Then, she stopped.
Hinata stayed with him after everything was over. They stayed up late, huddled around the room in spite of the fact that it was not cold. They were at opposite ends of the room, isolated. A few memories were shared in soft whispers between them. It was not so much the meaning of the words than the sound of voices that kept Neji awake. There was a dizzying sensation of something lacking in his mind.
Later, after everyone in the residence had gone to sleep except for the guards, Hinata murmured, "It is difficult to do this. Ichigo was so lovely and bright."
The feeling of loosing someone valuable was rarely a simple one to experience. Neji nodded slightly and answered with, "You will always have me." She seemed to freeze at that. The room became cold without the easy flow of conversation. For a moment, he wondered if they were both dead and everything was over.
He had never wanted Ichigo dead. He had regretted marrying her as soon as he had done it. He wished he had never met her and that she had just stayed a random person in a sea of faces that made up the political power in the ninja world. But mayhap Ichigo had been the only one who loved him. Hinata did not.
With his wife dead, it did not mean that Hinata was his. It only meant that he had nothing left now.
They had three days.
With Hino gone again, Hinata put Neji to full time duty of guarding her. They walked with only the two of them through libraries and training grounds. Sometimes, in the shades of evening or morning, he could imagine that reality had deserted them and that they were living in a dream.
He was in love with her.
His wife had died recently.
He had always loved her.
It was raining when they incinerated Ichigo's body. She had her child in her arms. It seemed as though they were both only sleeping, but they were far too pale. Her red eyes were covered by her eyelids, but her white hair was too obvious. The only person who wept openly was Hinata, still in contrast to the values set by their clan.
After the scattering of ashes, the cousins waited together by the empty ash container. They were the only ones left. Hinata stared at wind carrying Ichigo and all of Ichigo's dreams away. "It was very possible," she muttered half to herself.
Neji waited for Hinata to say more.
"Hyuuga blood is not meant to be mixed."
"What?" he asked, intense with some emotion he was not certain of.
"Hyuuga blood is strengthened when mixed with itself, but there tend to be problems if mixed with other blood. The consequences could be disabilities, miscarriages…" She paused and then added, "…death."
"You knew," accused Neji, "of the risks involved."
"I did," she admitted. "In fact, it is this inability to successfully breed with others that helps us to be so capable of keeping our bloodline so secret."
"You knew she was likely to die."
Hinata stared at him, wide-eyed. He seemed to implying something.
"You allowed her to die."
She ran.
He chased after her and caught up with her in the woods. She must have known that he would follow her and also that he would catch up to her. Although she was fast, he was faster. He pulled at her shoulder, and she spun around to face him. Her face was strange, but he wished to speak to her. "Hinata," he said in a commanding voice.
She brushed her lips against his and then moved away. They stood there in the rain, drenched, dizzy, almost unaware of what had just happened.
He moved to touch her hand and forgot that only three days ago, he had been preparing to be the father to another's child. Mayhap he was not the only one who possessed that bizarre combination of opposing feelings.
Hinata whispered something softly--- probably an apology--- but he did not hear. Then, she ran again.
It was a while before he thought to follow. By the time he arrived at the Hyuuga residence, it was too late. She had left to join her husband on his diplomatic trip to Suna.
Ichigo had been dead for three days.
She refused to see him.
Once she had returned, he went to her audience chamber repeatedly but was turned away by the guards there, who stated that the Hyuuga Leader was busy with work and would not be able to see anyone for a while. Neji could hear her moving around inside. He twitched at every vibration he sensed from her, but left.
Ichigo had been dead for three weeks.
And Hinata was still married.
It was on the twenty-second day since Ichigo's death that a messenger came with summons from Hino. "Come in," ordered their Leader's consort.
Neji inclined his head and entered.
Hino's voice was quiet and measured. "I returned today. Hinata is still in pain over the death of her friend and Hanabi is missing. Mayhap you could help her."
Neji allowed himself to be sent to Hinata's private audience chamber once again, where she had retreated to for isolation. The guards let him by with the pass he presented, but h stood at the door uncertain of whether or not to open it and enter. The sound of movement within brought him back to his senses. Ignoring the curious, blank gazes from the guards, he resolutely opened the door and stepped in.
Her back was to the entrance, but she noted his presence. "I do not wish to see you, Neji."
"You must," he answered simply. Long protestations would only waste time.
There was a pause, then she murmured half-ashamedly, "I think that I love you. And so you must go."
He stepped towards her. "I love you, too, Hinata," he said.
She turned around, showing her worry in her expression. "I know," she whispered quietly. "I have always known."
At that moment, Neji thought that she was as deceiving as himself. She had never acknowledged this, if she had always known, and she was so like him. With his eyes, he could see how she lied and wept at the same time, if only inside her mind.
"And that is why we cannot do this," continued Hinata, seeming unaware of his journey into his thoughts. "We may both make choices we regret, but we still made them. We cannot undo them. I will be a good wife and you will be lonely for a while, but I am certain that you will be happy someday."
His thoughts began jumping frantically as he tried to decide what to communicate, but she turned away.
"It is difficult for me to look at Hino now," she breathed. "I thought that I could grow to love him, but I am too bitter and selfish. I know that I am terrible. I just wish that… well, it is too late for wishing anymore, is not it?" Her hand lifted to trace invisible wrinkles on her face. "We are far too old."
"You should not do this."
She smiled thinly. "I may do as I like."
"Even waste your life?"
"If I must. Now I must also ask you, as my protector, friend, and cousin--- and as someone who loves me--- to leave now."
He left the room, but he could hear her muffled weeping as he closed the door.
He respected her wishes and did not attempt to see her again. It was painful, though, so catch accidental glimpses of her walking through the garden or into a training area. It reminded him that he was not to see her again. It was not so difficult to do, in his mind, because he was used to obeying orders albeit in unusual ways, but when he saw her--- there was some emotion which grew, tugging at his heart.
His quarters felt lonely whenever he was there, so he busied himself with Konoha missions, going to the tower daily for assignments. He tried his best to avoid being in the empty rooms, especially the nursery. Although all of the objects which had been there previously were now given away or burnt as an offering, it reminded him too much of what might have been.
It was far into spring when he noticed her outside of his quarters, watching his window wistfully. Neji hurried outside before she could disappear. She was still as vibrant and kind as he remembered, but she seemed curiously pale and thin. Her hair was unbound and hung down in dark waves.
She blinked when she saw him. There was a hesitant expression on her face, but she greeted him. "Hallo, Neji."
He nodded towards her calmly and answered evenly, "Hinata." It was unlike him to become openly emotional, regardless of whatever inner turmoil may be brewing. Yet… a few more words escaped him. "I have missed you."
She froze where she was. He was afraid to touch her, knowing that she would flee if he did. "I… I have missed you as well." She paused before adding quietly, "Yet everything I said before still remains: I cannot see you, Neji."
Neji nodded, as though accepting the statement, but he stared at her in such a strange way. "I have loved only you," he remarked lackadaisically. "For anyone else, I never will; I have tried. There are bonds we make in childhood and connections preordained. My red ribbon leads to you." The reference to the mythical ribbon which bound two lovers together made Hinata catch her breath. Those could only be seen by immortals, but it was shocking to hear him refer to it with this definite voice. "If you believe this, too, then we must."
"I cannot."
"Hinata-sama…" his voice trailed off. She watched him anxiously, waiting for him to say more. "You were so brave in your beliefs."
She smiled painfully, apologetically. "Chased away by life and death."
Neji contradicted her. Though his expression was nonchalant, his words were earnest. "I believe it is still you."
It was another two weeks before he saw her again. He threw himself back into missions and had just returned from a rescue mission when she summoned him to her audience chamber. There were very few people in the halls now, and he could feel the dissent radiating off the people. Very slightly, he thought that he might know what she wished to discuss. But what would she say? He walked there calmly, his feet striking the wood sharply.
She was seated on a white silk cushion. There was resolve in her face, but the words spilled out without restraint. "Hino and I are separating. He will retain his position on the council. I asked him for this, and he agreed."
He gazed at her freely, knowing that he was permitted to now.
"I feel that I am hurting Ichigo somehow," she said mournfully.
"You can undo it," he said carefully, feeling that mayhap he had tried for too much.
Hinata looked at Neji. Her lips curved upwards and she began to tear. He started towards her, hoping to bring comfort, but she offered reassuringly while holding out her hand, "This is a choice I shall not undo."