Things Don't Have To Change
The walk home was quiet, which was unusual. Normally they couldn't hear the sounds of Wendy's heels clacking on the pavement due to their chatter, but at the moment it was the only sound. Occasionally a car would speed past, definitely too fast for the neighborhood area, but it just served as a momentary distraction. The two had hardly spoken a word to each other all day, each internally struggling to find the words they needed to say to the other.
As they approached her house, Stan hesitated. Was he supposed to follow her in? He often would, but she seemed distant today, should he give her space? When she was halfway to the door she looked back at him expectantly, signaling him to follow regardless of their silence. He obliged, and stayed right behind her as she fumbled with her key in the door.
The house was just as quiet as they'd been, with her parents at work. "Do you want something to drink?" Her voice was more forceful than expected, it surprised Stan to hear. He absolutely wanted something to drink, but not the type of thing she was actually offering. So he shook his head in response.
"Right," she nodded back, and quickly got herself a glass of water. She kept glancing back to him, and when she had finished filling it she gestured for him to follow her up the stairs.
Her door had already been open, but she closed it gently once they were inside. "Okay," she set her glass down on the bedside table and took a seat on the plush pink comforter. "What did you want to talk about?"
He let confusion overtake his face for a moment before remembering that he had, in fact, mentioned needing to talk earlier. That must be why she let him in the house, god he was out of it today. Of course he was, he was struggling with a lot.
"Um," his voice trailed off, he wasn't sure where to start. He took a deep breath and sat down at her desk, putting some space between them before really talking, "I think we need to break up."
Wendy's face didn't change, she definitely expected this. Although her outer appearance hadn't shifted, the tone in her voice had, "Okay," it sounded sharper than before, like she'd just been stabbed with something and was throwing it right back.
"Okay?" He was nervous, he'd been nervous about this all day. Ever since last night, when he finally decided this needed to be done, he'd been overcome with anxiety and guilt and the unwavering want to drink his troubles away.
"I mean what else do I say?" Her face finally shifted to match her words, the strong front she'd been projecting beginning to falter. "Oh Stan, don't do it! Please!?" She spoke in a mocking tone, which stung.
"No," Stan hesitated, part of him was expecting her to blow up at him but not like this. "I was expecting like..." he paused, deciding not to match her mocking tone and make her even more angry, "a question? You asking why?" He couldn't look her directly in the eye, rather choosing to glance up and then right back down at his feet. He forgot to take his shoes off, her carpet was white, she would probably be mad about that too.
"Okay, fair." She sounded almost sorry, not that she'd admit it. She hadn't actually done anything wrong here, and she was the one being broken up with. Although perhaps she had assumed the worst and snapped at him a bit too quickly. "So, why then?" She genuinely did want to know this, she just felt embarrassed asking for some reason. Wendy felt like she should already know why, and while she had a few suspicions, she wanted him to be the one to confirm or deny them.
At the question he had anticipated and spent all night being anxious about, he straightened his posture and took another long, deep, breath. "I'm gay."
There was silence for a moment, and then he began to backpedal, "or at least... not straight. Questioning? Bisexual maybe?" He was trying his hardest not to just throw his words up onto her, trying to stay calm and failing miserably.
"But," he just kept talking, despite willing his brain to stop forming words, "but I've been having feelings," he made the mistake of looking her in the eyes again, "for someone else." Her gaze had softened from before, she didn't quite look sad, but something close to that.
Her only response to his expectant glance was a soft, "Ah," followed by her looking at something on her floor.
"And it's not fair-" he started, scooting his chair across her floor to be a little closer to her, "to you." He paused, trying to gauge her reaction. She still hadn't looked up, "You shouldn't be led on," he continued moving closer until he was able to grasp one of her hands gently, "I care about you too much to hurt you like that."
At those words she finally looked up, the same sad-ish look on her face. He couldn't decipher the meaning, he was never that good at reading emotions, especially her's. "I'm glad," She smiled softly, "I care about you too, Stan."
He breathed, feeling a bit of relief coming over him, but that didn't last long before other anxieties took place of the old ones. Unlike Stan, she was great at reading people's faces, or maybe it was just that Stan was an open book? Regardless, she didn't hesitate to push, "but that's not the only thing bothering you," she reached out to him and pushed a stray piece of hair off his face, "is it?"
He hung his head low, trying to carefully pick out his words. There had been a lot of thinking and self-reflection recently that he'd tried to drown away in a bottle but that only worked so well. "Well, no," he finally spoke after too many moments of silence, "but also yes?"
Wendy raised an eyebrow, awaiting the rest of his thought that might make the first part actually make sense. He eventually continued, "it's all related, I guess," he felt restless, and stood up to shift from the hard desk chair to her soft bed, "you're the first person I'm telling any of this too."
Her eyes widened at this, and she turned herself more fully to him, one leg tucked under the other and that one hanging off the bed. "You haven't even told Kyle?" She knew in her head the reason why, but wanted to hear him say it. Confirm her earlier suspicions.
He froze at the sound of his best friend's name, cursing himself for being so damn open sometimes. "Yeah, no," he swallowed, definitely loud enough for her to hear the lump in his throat, "I'm not-" he tried to start one thought but abandoned it, "I can't-" That one was no good too, but he had no idea where to even go from there. "I can't tell him. He's..."
Wendy nodded, even though seconds ago she had, in her mind, desperately wanted to hear him admit it, she realized now just how hard that was going to be for him. She sighed, and continued for him in the form of a question, "the one you're having feelings for?"
The look he gave her was a mix of relief and anxiety, about what would be expected. Relief because he didn't need to admit it out loud quite yet, but god it was still said out loud and he wasn't about to deny what was true. His eyes began to water, just a little bit, he was always quick to tears. He was always embarrassed about it, but Wendy thought it was cute.
"Shhh..." she whispered, taking his hand in hers, "I won't tell him. I wouldn't do that to you, Stan," she smiled, trying to find his gaze and match it with hers, "I love you too much for that." The word 'love' was hard to get out, but it was true. She truly did love him, and he loved her back, just not the way she wished he did.
"I love you too," he spoke through tears, but saying that only made him cry more. He was so vulnerable and open, a way he could only be around someone he did love. Wendy had been a constant in his life since third grade, despite ups and downs he always knew he could trust her in the end. She was the closest person to him right behind Kyle, and they both knew that.
But that was why she wasn't terribly surprised by this whole confession from Stan. She had always kind of known, from the start, that she was right behind Kyle in his eyes.
She eventually shifted to hold him in a gentle hug, and he tried to start speaking again, "I'm just so scared," he sniffled between statements, "what will my parents think?" He tries to breathe more deeply and calm down, but his body isn't ready to be done crying yet, "what will Kyle think? All the other guys?" She strokes his hair, doing her best to settle him down.
"Honey-" she winces at the pet name that had come out naturally, it probably wasn't appropriate anymore, was it? She starts again, "Stan," that's better, more neutral, "nothing's gonna change," with a gentle push she creates space between the two of them, "they're all still gonna love you," looking directly in his eyes she gives him a smile, "I promise."
He wipes at his eyes with his coat sleeve, (god he never even took off his coat?) before speaking again, "I'm just not ready," his lips press together into a thin line before he speaks again, "for anything to change, you know?" His tears had slowed significantly, but he didn't get all of them with his sleeve.
Wendy reaches out and wipes away some of the wetness he missed, "things don't have to change immediately," she tried to keep her voice soft, so as not to get him going again, "you can keep it secret as long as you need to." She extended her pinky, "I promise I won't tell!"
The childish gesture made Stan smile, something he needed to do after all those tears, "Okay," he met hers and they shook on it. "But what if people talk when they hear we broke up?"
She thought for a moment, before offering a suggestion she'd probably later regret, "we don't need to tell anyone?" Stan's confused face pushed her to elaborate further, "we can just keep pretending to date." She then quickly added, "until you're ready."
He seemed skeptical, "but what's in it for you? Don't you want to like, be able to date other people?" He wasn't entirely opposed to the idea, he just wanted to make sure this was really okay with her.
"Stan, you're my best guy friend," she started, although she could tell he didn't know where she was going yet, "it would mean I get to still spend time with you, and I..." trailing off, she sighed once again before speaking, "I need some time before starting with anyone else, you know?"
He nodded quickly, and started to get off the bed, "thank you, Wendy." He wasn't leaving quite yet, but he needed to stretch his legs, he was tense after all of this. "You really do mean the world to me." This was genuine, she truly was so important to him. His best girl friend without a doubt.
She brought her hanging leg onto the bed and fully crossed them, giving him a half smile, "same to you. I want you to be happy," she looked down for a moment, "sorry about being kinda snappy earlier. I just..." thoughts raced through her mind, she didn't want to give off an 'I know everything and I'm always right' vibe with her next words, but it was hard.
"I just had a feeling this was coming, and thought if I was like that maybe it wouldn't happen," she was embarrassed to admit this, but felt it was necessary. Especially with how vulnerable he had just been around her, she could allow herself to be the same way.
"Wendy, this is tough." He moved closer to the bed again, and crouched down on his knees in front of her, "I'm so sorry to do this to you. I can't even imagine being in your position right now." He wanted to grab her hands again, but also felt like touching her too much right now would be the wrong move.
"It's okay, Stan." She smiled down at him, admiring his handsome face and the sympathetic look on it, "I'll be fine. Just let me know how it goes, okay?" The sympathy was replaced with confusion, until she elaborated, "with Kyle. You may not tell him anytime soon, but once you do, I wanna know."
A blush creeped across his cheeks, he hadn't even imagined this conversation going so well, let alone the one he'll eventually need to have with Kyle. He laughed a little bit, the first time she'd heard him do that all day, "let's not get too far ahead of ourselves," before standing back up, "but of course I will."
At that, Stan figured his time wanted here was coming to a close. He reached for the backpack he'd thrown to the ground at some point, and started making his way to the door. As he opened it, Wendy spoke again, "meet you before class tomorrow?" He turned to meet her eyes, a glint of confusion in his own, "don't want anyone to think there's something up with us, right?" He smiled, remembering their little cover-up plan.
"Of course not." He turned back to the door, and called back to her as he went out the door, "See you then!"
As soon as she heard the front door open and close downstairs, Wendy let her posture change. She still didn't cry, that wasn't something she often did, but she let her gaze soften as she zoned out trying to process what had just happened.
She'd had bad dreams like this before, and was wondering if this was just another one of them.
Except there was no alarm to bring her out of this trance, just her mother calling her for dinner hours later.