Something I Can Never Have

I lie awake and look at the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. Each one glued in pre-determined areas, mapping out constellations and patterns that match those in the complex night sky. The artificial five-pointed stars gleam bright and look beautiful above my head, but they no longer provide me with comfort. They take it away.

It used to be worse. In the beginning, I hardly attempted to sleep. The thoughts of her were so fresh, and the pictures in my head were so real. I just couldn't let it all go so easily. Closing my eyes made those pictures come to focus, so I figured the only solution was to stay awake, forever. Of course, that wasn't an option.

The dreams, they wouldn't stop. The most terrible of dreams, dreams even worse than the pictures. But these dreams weren't nightmares. In fact, quite the opposite. All of them varied in setting, but one element always remained constant. She was always there, and I was always with her. The dreams weren't fantasies, they were truthful and realistic. We were always together, talking, laughing. We held hands and walked to so many places, but all of them were so familiar.

They were the places I was planning to take her to after...

...

I wake up from these dreams, always at the wrong moment. I never know when I leave, and I never get the chance to say goodbye to her. Not even once. And then I realize that I'm in my bed and all of what transpired never happened. It doesn't even matter that I never got to say goodbye to her, for it wasn't her at all. Only me, projecting her in a place out of reach.

Waking up isn't even the worst part though. It's the realization of how vivid those dreams are, and how constant they are from day to day. It's the thought that those dreams could have easily been memories. It's like I have a looking glass into which I can see myself in an alternate universe. I'm able to witness all that could have been.

It's the thought that I might be going crazy. I realize that people mourn all the time for the lost, but do they think the way that I do? Is this how it's supposed to feel? I've experienced so much in so little time, but I can't say I was ever prepared for this. I don't think I ever could be.

I don't know what to do anymore. I try to appease my friends, to make them believe that I'm improving. I'll give them the smile they ask for, and I'll join in their parties and celebrations. I'll continue to assist them in their missions, because it's my duty to help them and care for them. But in the end, it's just a shell of me that they're seeing. The real me left months ago.

I hope they don't know that. I hope they never read my mind.

The only thing my friends notice about me is my unwillingness to go out at night. For awhile I could blame it on being tired after a long day in the workshop, or I could blame it on the bad weather, or even on the pollen index. I had millions of blames to choose from really. They see through it now, I can feel it. But none of them are brave enough to inquire about it. I wouldn't mind it if they did though.

The truth is, I can't look at space the same way anymore. The stars in the sky, they all taunt me. The constellations don't look like constellations anymore. They're directions, glistening road signs, leading me to the place where it happened. Where she was lost forever.

The night sky is beautiful, but for me, I only see its emptiness. It tells me that I'm just like it. It tells me that I lost a friend.

And that brings me back to the ceiling, a mock version of the sky that mocks me. I have thought about taking those stars down, but what good would that do? It wouldn't change anything.

In the end, the night sky will always be there, reminding me of something I can never have.

I know this has been done millions of times before, but I wanted to write it anyway. It's sad, but I feel like its appropriate.

I was inspired by the song "Something I Can Never Have" by Nine Inch Nails. I have no idea if the lyrics tell the story of someone in mourning, but it gave me the idea to write this regardless.

You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I'm down to just one thing,
and I'm starting to scare myself.

You make this all go away,
you make this all go away,
I just want something.
I just want something I can never have.