The Mother Mercury Show
A tall, pretty woman with pink hair walks on stage and takes a seat.
"Good afternoon and welcome to the Mother Mercury show! On today's show, we reunite former schoolmates! Surprises are in store for all, so let's get the show on the road and introduce our first guest, Miss. Hermione granger!
Hermione is here to be reunited with former flame Harry Potter! Admittedly, she was a bookworm at school, but now calls herself a… erm… "Bad-ass chick who don't give a shit about what no one think." Well, welcome Hermione!"
The doors open and in a cloud of smoke, a woman is visible. As she leaves the cloud, we can see her more clearly. A mop of frizzy brown hair is piled on her head, and she's clad in black pleather hot pants, a sparkly blue bikini top and thigh-high leather boots. She strides down the stairs and we can see that she's a good seven months pregnant.
The crowd boos.
"Hold up!" She cries, waving her hands in the air. "Y'all don't know me! Y'all don't know me!"
"Please, take a seat Hermione."
The crowd boos still.
"And what? And what? Y'all don't know me!"
"Hermione, please sit down."
The crowd quietens.
"Hello Hermione, how are you?" The host asks, pushing a lock of pink hair out of her striking brown eyes.
"I'm a'ight." Hermione replies, glaring at the audience.
"Why are you here today?"
"To see my ex-boyfriend."
"How long has it been since you've seen him?"
"Uh, like, five years. We haven't seen each uver since school." She licks her lips, showing her tongue ring.
"So, I take it he isn't the father then? Who is, may I ask?"
"I dunno. Some guy I met at this bar. Y'all know how it is, wham bam, happens all the time."
The crowd boos again.
"Shut up!" Hermione shouts. "Y'all don't know me! Don't be disrespectin' me! Y'all don't know me!"
A young woman steps up to the mike in the audience.
"Just how many children do you have?" She asks.
"Six…"
The crowd boos.
"The same father?"
"No…"
"And what? And what?" Hermione starts waving her arms again.
"How," says the woman, "can you take care of so many children when you're so young?"
"I got money! Y'all think that I got no money, I ain't broke! I got money! My kids got a good life! Y'all don't know me!"
"You can't possibly be giving your kids the life they deserve!" Shouts the woman. "I may not know you, but I know that your children deserve more than the life you're giving them! It's more than money, it's love, and if you've had six children in the span of five years, all with different fathers, there's no way you're giving them as much love as they deserve!"
The woman sits back in her seat and the crowd cheers loudly.
Hermione sits back in her seat, pouting and playing with her tongue ring.
"Well, if that's all done with," the host says. "We'll bring out Mr. Harry Potter. Harry hasn't seen Hermione in five years, when she was a bookworm. He has no idea that she's gone through such a… transformation. Harry, come on out!"
Through the same door, minus the smoke, walks a handsome man with gold rimmed glasses, wearing a smart suit. His face is expressionless, until he sees Hermione standing on the stage.
"Oh my g…" He stammers, as she runs up and gives him a hug. "Her… Hermione?"
Hermione loosens her grip and Harry stumbles backwards.
"I don't… I don't believe it…"
"I know!" Hermione grins.
"Please," says the host, "take a seat."
They sit down next to each other, Hermione grinning madly and rocking back and forth excitedly.
"Wow…" Harry says.
"Hermione, why don't you explain why you called Harry here?"
"A'ight. Harry, like, ever since we broke up, I've been thinkin' 'bout you all the time. I got myself into some not good stuff… well, you're a good guy. I guess what I'm trying to say is… will you be the father of my babies?"
"WHAT!" Harry cries. "BABIES? You've got kids?!"
"Uh huh… six of 'em." Hermione replies, still grinning.
"Six kids… what the hell is wrong with you?"
"Wha'? I thought you was a man, Harry Potter! I though you was a good man, who would be a good father for my kids! But, I s'pose I was wrong, isn't it, Harry Potter?"
"Hell yea! You actually thought I would say yes?" Harry laughs.
Hermione's eyes fill with tears. "You changed, Harry Potter! You used to be nice… now, you're just… mean!" Hermione starts to cry then runs off stage. Harry sighs, and runs after her.
"We'll be right back."
* * *
Cheesy, intense music plays as the camera scans the audience, then goes back to our host, Mother Mercury. She sweeps her hair away and looks into the camera with those intense eyes and says,
"Here's what happened during the break."
A video plays and we see behind the scenes. Hermione is sitting on a sofa, and Harry has his arms around her.
"I'm sorry, 'Mione, you caught me by surprise." He coos.
"Shut up, get your filthy hands off me!"
"'Mione, stop… please… I'm sorry, I take back what I said. I'd love to be the father of your children."
"Are you serious?"
"Totally."
"Oh, Harry, I love you!" She throws her arms around him and we catch a glimpse of Harry's choking face as the video ends.
"Oh, please, what bull shit! I cannot believe either of them! Shoot, we're on air!" The host composes herself and flashes a winning smile to the camera. "Our next guest is here to confront a former crush and say, look at me now! Please welcome Mr. Draco Malfoy!"
Through more smoke and lights, a ridiculously muscular man waddles onto the stage. The women in the crowd cheer wildly and he walks into the audience and proceeds to rip off his shirt and jeans and flex, letting the women grope him and stick pound notes in his g-string. After a minute of this pandemonium, he turns and sits down. The women are still going mad and he flashes a grin as he turns his attention to the ravishing host.
"Hello Draco."
"Hi."
"Why are you on the show today?"
"Well, you see, in school I was a geek. Not really, I was rather a bully actually, but I was skinny as hell. There was this girl, Ginny; I had the biggest crush on her. She's a year younger than I am, so I thought she'd love to go out with an older guy, but she turned me down every time. She told me she didn't like how I treated other people, when I picked on them, and that she didn't go for weedy guys."
"So you've brought her here to show her the new you?"
"Yes. But, it's not all exterior changes. I've changed on the inside too. I volunteer at the orphanage and at St.Mungo's, sometimes even at the Muggle Big Brother program. It's great fun working with all those kids, they're terrific, really."
"Well, if you're ready, we'll bring out Ginny! Come on out!"
A woman with brilliant red hair, dressed in a sexy, fitted suit waltzes out. With one glimpse at Draco, her jaw drops and her knees nearly buckle.
"Shit! Draco?"
"Sure is!"
They give each other a hug and sit down.
"So, Ginny, what do you think about what you see?"
"Wow… that's all I can say, wow! This is amazing…" She stares at him with disbelief. "You look incredible!"
"So do you." Draco replies, grinning. "So, is this more to your liking?"
"Yeah!" She says, feeling his bicep.
"I would be honored if you would accompany me to dinner."
"Sure… I mean, I will… I would… but, how can I know if you've changed inside? That's why I said no before…"
"Glad you asked, Ginny." Interrupts the host. "Before the show, Draco made a video for you, to show you how he's changed…"
The video begins…
Draco is center screen, "Ginny, I've adored you since I met you, but you never had the same feelings for me. But I've changed…
Cuts out to a large gym, where Draco is lifting 100lb weights, the veins in his arms rippling.
"As you can see, I'm not a skinny dweeb anymore. I can bench 1000lbs, leg press 1500lbs and lift nearly 2000lbs! No way I could have done that in school!"
Cuts over to a gymnasium, where Draco is playing basketball with a young boy.
"I love Draco! He comes to play basketball with me every other day. He's great, he says I could play pro by the time I'm old enough and he'll come at watch me kick butt at my first game!" Says the small blonde boy, who's barely older than ten.
"I come here to play with the kids at least once a week. They've taught me so much. I like to take them to the beach and pick up girls." He grins, then starts playing basketball again.
For another ten minutes, the video continues with Draco bragging about who he helps out, and lots of small children saying how much they love him and how great he is, blah, blah, blah…
And finally, the video ends.
"So, how about it Ginny? Will you go out with me?"
"HELL YEA!" Ginny jumps up, straddles him and kisses him fiercely.
"Er," the host stammers, "go to commercial, now… just do it!"
* * *
We return, and the stage is back to calm and quiet. Ginny and Draco are holding hands and our host welcomes the home audience back.
"Now that things have, er, settled down a bit, we'll have some questions from the audience."
A man with bleach blonde hair steps up to the microphone.
"Duuuude, good catch, she's a babe!"
"Um, thanks," Draco replies, still grinning.
A young teenage girl steps up.
"You're, like, so lucky! Like, I wish my boyfriend was that hot. I hope that, like, someday he'll look like him… wow…" She blushes and sits back down in her seat.
A woman around Ginny's age is the last to speak.
"I hate you," she says, then sits down without a word.
Ginny looks mortified.
"We'll be right back." Says the host, as Draco puts a comforting arm around a blubbering Ginny.
* * *
"Welcome back," says the host. "Our last guests on today's show haven't seen each other in nearly ten years, when they taught at the same school. One of them describes himself as "an exquisite example of a human being" and the other describes himself as …er, "shut up". Neither man has an idea that the other is here, as they were asked here by "an anonymous force". Please welcome Mr. Gilderoy Lockhart and Mr. Severus Snape!"
From either end of the studio, the men walk onto the stage. One glance at each other, and they nearly faint, but instead run to each other and enter into a passionate hug.
"Welcome to the show, gentlemen." Greets the host, shaking each man's hand. "So, what are you thinking right now?"
"Well, it certainly has been a while, has it not, Gilderoy?" Snape says, gazing into his eyes.
"It has, Severus, it has." Lockhart replies, taking his hand into his own.
"So, we're you two… lovers?" The host asks, shifting a little uncomfortably.
"Oh, heavens no!" Snape cries. "Heavens, no… terrific friends, though!"
'Lovers, what a laugh!" Lockhart giggles. "Oh no, not Severus! He would make a wonderful partner for any woman!"
"Ah, Gildie, not as wonderful as you!"
"Stop that, Sevie!" He playfully punches him in the arm.
The two men start slapping each other lightly, and giggling.
"Uh, gentlemen?" The host interrupts. "Back to the show please?"
"Right, sorry." They say in unison, then start giggling again.
"Good grief…"
After a couple minutes of this, the crowd 'eeww'ing and the host getting quite fed up, they stop.
"Done, now, are you?" The host asks sarcastically.
"Yes."
"So, do you have any idea who brought you here?"
"None whatsoever, but I thank whoever it was!" Gildie, sorry, Lockhard grins.
"No clue?" The host asks.
"Not at all!" Severus replies.
"Great, neither do we…"
"Maybe it was fate." Lockhart muses.
"I'm quite sure fate didn't call the show and request that you two be brought here."
"It's destiny!" Severus declares.
"Sure, whatever. We're almost out of time, so if you have any last things to say, say them now."
" I do," Severus says, and the host groans. "Whoever it was, or whatever it was, that brought us together, thank you so very much. I've missed my Gildie."
"And I've missed my Sevie-pooh too." They start giggling again.
"Good Lord! Thanks for watching and tune in next week!"
***The End***
Well, that was horrible, wasn't it? That's what happens when I'm bored. I've got a whole bunch of stupid ones just like this that I'm going to post, just to bug you! HA HA HA!
Mother Mercury