Anorexlla.

It takes over your life, a monster from your nightmares. It flees from time to time but only comes back stronger. The feeling it gives hurts, but the results are worthier. The pain emerges slowly, but your body becomes thinner.

Your senses shut down, the depressions takes over. You keep breaking down, you try to get stronger. Not eating, just running. Running for something you'll never find, but keeping pace anyway.

All the words shouted, all the hurt felt. Your body breaks down, and so do you. The tears emerge, leaving you dehydrated, but what can you do? Water is your only resource.

So you sneak downstairs, and you drink. It makes you feel alright, as alright as you'll ever be.

You need food, you crave it. But it repulses you; you just keep telling yourself that. You know you're lying to yourself, but what choice do you have? It's for the best, you whisper.

And then you black out.

"Bella?" I hear my mom ask as she enters the kitchen. "Bella is that you-

"What are you doing in the kit-"

But then she sees the whole scene, and her rough scream echoes around the room. There's water on the floor, loads of it. The glass I was drinking from, feel on my leg, cutting me, adding blood to the water, making it look deadly. I open my mouth and croak "Mom?"

She looks at me warily, carefully as if I was dangerous. "Baby, what's wrong?" she whispers. "Nothing mom. Nothing's wrong, I went down for a glass of water and I slipped." That's part of the truth anyway.

"Do you need help upstairs?" she asked, not wanting an answer.

"I'll manage." I whisper wistfully. And she leaves me there, regardless.

I'm hanging on your rope, got me 20 feet off the ground (8)

Food, I hear myself whisper. I need food. I'm standing in the cubicle at Phoenix high school, it's lunchtime and I'm not in the cafeteria. My excuse? I'm don't want to eat. Don't I mean: I can't eat?

I can feel my stomach rumbling, but I won't eat. I won't ruin what I've created for myself during all these years. Looking at me now, you won't believe I used to be, and I quote from one of my year 2's teacher "The fat one out."

Thou shall not eat without feeling guilty.

I'm wearing white sweatpants with a black hoodie and gray sneakers. This is my attire; it's all I wear, for any occasions. I have that many hoodies and sweats I lost count. The number of time I've had to delay going somewhere that included dressing down was so immense I think people have started to wonder if I have some kind of terminal disease.

Being thin is way more important than being healthy.

My stomach grumbles loudly and I do my best to ignore it. I get out some vitamins I bought in a drugstore this morning and swallow 5 with the help of my faithful little bottle of water. That should keep me good for at least 3 hours.

Being thin and perfect are signs of true determination.

*FLASHBACK*

Standing in the joyful playground, feeling out of place and looking it too: I see myself 13 years ago- rosy and round cheeks, chubby, a slight bounce to my walk- approaching a bunch of children, all playing tick.

I silently arrived behind the children and slyly went forward to a little girl who looked like she was the "IT" at the moment. She looked at me exasperation clear in her posture and an evil glare in her eyes, my former self flinched but my smaller self looked straight into her and asked "Can I join you?"

".God." the girl said a bit too loudly for my liking. Everyone that wasn't already staring turned around to watch. "She just asked me if she can join in?" she let out during giggles.

None of the other kid laughed, afraid probably. "Does that mean I can?" I asked eagerly- I had never been able to join into games, too shy to ask. Thinking I was no-good fatty. At the time, it was just a though, but what happened at this moment, changed everything."

"Sure you can-"The girl said, a smile broke through my face just in time for her to continue "-When you've lost some weight." She smirked bitterly and this time all the other kids, laughed. They pointed their fingers at me, giggled, snorted, smirked. I heard the girls whispering and the guy's high fiving the girl- Maria, she was called.

I stumbled away from there, trying to block everyone out. I couldn't though, and every wobbly step I too reminded me of it.

I was fat, and I was going to change it.

*FLASHBACK ENDS*

The bell rang, tearing me from the nightmare. The last phrase I had thought about. Every day of my life, this is what got me here.

I was fat. And I changed it.