Undisclosed Desires
Chapter 1: Changing
Summary: Desires are yet to be fulfilled in Ulquiorra's heart – a heart that Orihime alone created. Will his new heart make him a better person, or will it slowly destroy him? Rating may change
A/N: Hello out there ^^ I'm back, but probably not as many of you had hoped for. This idea suddenly came to me, and therefore I just had to write it down before it disappeared again. Also, my desire for writing suddenly returned to me after watching some great Ulquihime Amv's on youtube while the upcomming episodes of the Bleach anime also did their part to make my creativity blossom ^^ I probably write a little different than usual, but I think it's an improvement somehow ^^
I hope all of you like this, but don't expect updates anytime soon because of my current amount of homework. I gotta tell you, it should be illegal to give so much D:
Enjoy! ^^
Oh, and yes, the title is from the Muse song since I thought it fitted the whole situation soooo well x)
He never questioned his life very much - a life trapped behind white hallways and endless deserts.
He felt so strangely full.. and yet so hollow. As if the world he had lived and believed in his whole life, was merely an illusion waiting to fade away.
That was the time where he began to seek.
Seek for the thing he couldn't put his finger on.
And behind the white face, behind the white clothing and behind the striking green eyes... he was frustrated. Frustrated that what he was was seeking couldn't be found in the white colors he wore and surrounded himself with.
When he rarely visited the human world, he couldn't see the beauty in the green forests, the blue sea, the massive lines of buildings... he couldn't even tell the difference between the artificial sun he knew so well and the real deal.
Why did he have to care about a real world if the artificial one was enough for him to live? Did he really have to concern himself with deeper emotions like longing and desire, when he knew such emotions would never be fulfilled?
It was not until he saw 'her', that the hole in his chest decided for him.
To see the human world again after such a long period of time frightened him. Normally he could just avert his eyes and ignore the pitiful sight presented before him... but this time he knew he had to look. Not because he wanted to, but because he had to. After all, it was highly possible that he would have to stay in the rotten human world for a while... and therefore it was important that he could gaze at it with less critical eyes, with open eyes.
He was dressed in his usual white Espada uniform though some cuts were visible across his chest and shoulders. When he had woken up in his normal state, green piercing eyes, shoulder length black hair, white skin and the broken bone helmet on top of his head, the last thing he thought about was to replace his torn clothing. His mind was filled to the brim with something else - Or more precisely, someone else.
When he took his first unsure steps through the narrow streets at the human world, he couldn't help but observe the humans around him with curiosity. Even though they didn't look at him, since his presence was hidden, he always thought of the humans as weak pitiful beings that only lived to die. They lived based on fictional feelings created by their own confused minds, and followed their animalistic desires before common sense.
They were trash.
However, in the light of the current circumstances, he tried to look at the unfamiliar beings with mild eyes. After all, 'she' was one of them, and therefore he wanted to give them a chance to prove him wrong.
He turned his gaze to the ground and slowly closed his green eyes.
What was he doing anyway?
His mind couldn't come up with a rational answer. He should just have died at that time... that was what he thought. He hoped that his regenerative abilities, abilities that made his body crumble into ash in a self defense, wouldn't kick in before the red headed Shinigami could have ended it all.
However, for some reason, things shouldn't turn out as he thought, and just a couple of weeks after the incident, he woke up in an unknown area of the Hueco mundo dessert - weak and shattered in both body and soul.
The red headed Shinigami shattered his body... and 'she', his soul.
Never before had he been defeated, and never had he thought of his defeat being a bitter sweet experience. After all, if defeat meant seeing her, if defeat meant being so close to her as he had been... he wouldn't mind being defeated again.
He shook his head when it occurred to him how weak he had become. Not because of the massive amount of energy he had used to regenerate completely, or because he almost saw his defeat as something positive, but because of the small, almost non existing, human-like emotions that began to fill his otherwise calm and collected mind. He had been able to push them aside for a long time, even when 'she' was in his care, but somehow they were beginning to take control of his mind completely. He felt longing... longing for the woman he was currently out searching for... the woman that had somehow awoken a sense of fascination in his otherwise cold and indifferent heart.
Inoue Orihime.
Even though he couldn't quiet put his finger on what was fascinating about her, he couldn't deny the fact that he was indeed out searching for her.... and without Aizen-sama's approval.
If it wasn't because Aizen-sama thought him dead, he wouldn't have searched for the woman without his masters approval... after all, it would most likely reveal his fascination towards his former captive – that was, if his master didn't already knew of it.
Another small sigh played along his lips before he stopped walking. If his master found out, he would have to come up with a viable explanation... But right now, all logic was somehow pushed aside and replaced with the unbearable need to see his woman again.
'his' woman...
His green analyzing eyes fell to the ground, and just a short second afterwards he knelt and placed his hand against the hard concrete. Even though the feeling was cold at first, he was otherwise completely unaffected - simply because his goal to find this 'Inoue Orihime' was far more important.
The familiar feeling of her Reiatsu quickly filled every inch of his being.... a warm familiar feeling that forced him to take a long breath to calm down, before pointing out where she was - just a few miles to the east.
Without any more wavering, he walked steadily to the house in question.
What he was gonna say or do would have to be dealt with later.
When he got to the house he couldn't help but doubt his actions again. He was shocked that his fascination had brought him so far... that unneeded emotions like desire could overrule the logic in his mind. He desired to see her...
He knew that she was alone, and therefore didn't worry if he would be spotted by others – he simply opened the front door with a elegant motion from his hand before stepping inside. It seemed very careless of her to not lock the door...
From the first moment he stepped inside he noticed that the place had a very special scent... a scent that reminded him of her in so many ways. He shook his head so he wouldn't get caught up in the moment, before stepping, almost completely silently, into her kitchen and soon afterwards the living room.
He froze when he saw her – sitting down on the floor with her back turned to him – apparently very occupied by some sort of 'human television show'. He was, more or less, used to observing her from when he was her caretaker... but still, it felt slightly different now where he was the one intruding into her home. It felt wrong now where he actually wanted to make a good impression and reassure her that he wasn't her enemy.
Holding his breath, he inched closer to her while listening to the very loud and squeaky voices from the television. Ulquiorra could probably never understand why humans found televisions so entertaining... personally he just thought they were annoying and unnecessary.
When he came close enough to almost see her face from his standing position, about 1 meter from her, he stopped and couldn't help but feel sorry for her.
After all, if he had been sent out by Aizen-sama to kill her, he would more than easily be able to slip his fingers around her neck and break it with barely any difficulty. She was vulnerable...
Either she was extremely weak, or just plain stupid since she hadn't been able to notice him yet. And since he knew how strong she, deep down was, he had to believe in the second option... It was honestly a wonder that she was still alive.
Wanting to announce his presence to her, he opened his mouth and calmly said: "Woman"
It clearly gave Orihime a shock, since she immediately jumped from her sitting position and turned around to face him.
He tried to keep his cool, though he felt slightly uncomfortable when staring into those endless brown eyes again… Especially after how they 'said goodbye' at that time where he had turned to ash. That moment still haunted his mind... A moment where she, of her own free will, chose to reach out to him.
Ulquiorra had expected all kind of reactions from Orihime; anger, fear, confusion... but certainly not! The reaction that slowly became evident across the soft curves of her face.
She seemed... Relieved?
"Ulquiorra-san" She muttered while smiling in what seemed like sheer happiness and relief.
He didn't understand her reaction... and probably never would be able to. He was supposed to be her enemy, a hollow being that almost succeeded in killing one of those dearest to her... and even so she seemed happy to see him.
The confusion slowly grew in the dark corners of his mind, as Orihime rose from her sitting position and placed both her hands at his chest. At first he wanted to pull away... but when he saw her pained and concerned expression he somehow managed to stand still – her fingers delicately brushing along the cuts in his white Espada uniform.
"I'm so glad... that you're alive" Her eyes rose to meet his. "I thought you died... at that time"
Ulquiorra tried intensely to hide his confusion, before instinctively pulling away from the lingering sensation of her touch at his uniform.
Even though he felt all kinds of things in that moment, he kept seemingly unaffected on the outside. He simply wouldn't succumb to the complex emotions she had planted in him...
"Why are you... here?"
Her words hit him like a blunt object, and he ended up answering on impulse.
"I'm here for you"
She sighed softly before stepping back a bit - he assumed it was to create some kind of distance between them.
"Oh... I see"
She suddenly seemed sad – her otherwise beautiful brown eyes losing their spark as they fell to the ground. "It's okay, I'll follow you if it means no one gets hurt"
A forced smile adorned her lips. "So please, just don't..." He silenced her by lifting his finger towards her – a blank stare quickly overtaking his green eyes. "You're wrong, woman"
While trying not to get affected by the brown eyes that stared intensely back at him – begging for an explanation, he kept talking;
"This has nothing to do with Aizen-sama or the other Espada's..." He held a quick break before continuing. "I'm here to see you, by my own free will"
He just couldn't help it, and he hoped that she wouldn't ask for a direct explanation to why an 'former enemy' suddenly found interest in visiting her on a non-hostile basis.
He stepped back while analyzing her features for any kind of distrust - Distrust that would be justified, because of his past actions.
However, he had no intentions of earning any more distrust from her... therefore he dropped his hand to his waist, released the sheath his Zanpuktou was in, and handed it to her in a calm and relaxed motion – most of all to reassure her that he meant the gesture as 'peace' and not a way to fool her.
She took the Zanpuktou without a word, holding it against her chest silently while he spoke again:
"I'm not your enemy" at the moment...
Of course, he couldn't promise her too much and if Aizen-sama found out about his current whereabouts, he probably would end up as her enemy again – at Aizen-sama's command, of course.
He followed her eyes, as they studied the sheath his Zanpuktou was in. She seemed very unsure of what to do or how to react...
"Why are you doing this... all of a sudden?" She met his gaze directly – deep brown against sharp green. "What about... Aizen... doesn't he await your return?"
He shook his head lightly to answer both of her questions. He did not want to give her insight to his mind yet, and Aizen wasn't waiting for him. All he felt she needed to know was that, he didn't want to harm her.
"But..."
Orihime folded her hands as if she was nervous. He could only watch her and wait for her following words. If she asked him to leave, he would do so – He respected her too much to force his presence upon her.
"What about Ichigo... Soul Society,,, the others... if they see you they're gonna-"
He stopped her from saying anymore by lifting his hands once again. "I'll handle it"
His calm and collected voice must have been of some reassurance, because before very long she smiled softly. He couldn't believe that she was so easy to convince... that she really thought of him as a good person that wanted to change.
She was so naive that it almost made him hurt...
A deep sigh escaped his lips before he had the opportunity to hold it back. He locked eyes with her. "I'm just happy to see that you're alive... I felt so bad after leaving Hueco Mundo without even trying to save you..." She broke their eye contact and laughed softly. "I'm so unbelievably relieved to see that you survived"
He kept quiet for a while, simply to gaze at her in disbelief.
How could anyone be so goodhearted to wish for their kidnappers well being?
Therefore, he only uttered what came to his mind: "You're strange, woman"
Even though it might seem a little harsh, his calm voice and his laid back posture, signalized that he didn't mean it as an insult - it was simply a statement.
"If I wanted to, I could have told you all this and then snapped your neck in a matter of seconds"
He tilted his head just a bit – his green eyes drinking her every reaction while he inched closer to her. The scent he earlier had noticed got stronger by every step he took.
She seemed unaffected... still smiling softly as if he had just told the most normal thing in the world. "Are you not-"
"I'm not scared, Ulquiorra-san"
His eyes widened just a bit while he felt how her hand slowly inched closer to his.
"I'm not scared..." She whispered again, before finally holding his hand gently - The mere feeling of her warmth against his cold, sending chills down his spine. "So please, stay as long as you want... I believe that you have changed"
Her smile grew further.
"I believe in the sincerity of your words"
He couldn't help but reflect back to the time where he fought against the red headed Shinigami... How the shinigami had said something similar; 'that he had become more like a human' and that he was less like a machine or statue now.
Was she... really the reason for that? And did he really feel like accepting that fact?
"I see" He muttered quickly – his eyes never straying from hers, though he had to withdraw his hand soon afterwards. After all, the important fact wasn't that she was able to hold his hand... it was the fact that she wanted to.
A/N: I hope all of you enjoyed reading this and keep in mind that an update probably won't come any time soon. Please bear with it x)
I really appreciate any kind of reviews, so please write one before leaving ^^