Naruto © Masashi Kishimoto.

Started writing this a very long time ago and found it the other day, so I decided to finish it off.

I'm at a funeral. It isn't my first funeral and I know it won't be my last. To my right, Sakura is sobbing grossly. To my left, Kakashi's eyes look sombre. I let out a sigh as the casket is lowered and it begins to rain hard on us. It's hard to watch. All I can do is think about how much this fucking sucks, but I don't want to start crying. No matter how much I want to, I can't let myself go in front of all these people. ANBU are supposed to be able to handle themselves. What would it look like if I let loose and started crying? Well, it wouldn't look good, that's for sure.

After years of searching – it's ended like this. Sasuke is dead and I killed him. I killed my best friend and the town is calling me a hero. I don't want to be a hero for killing my best friend. Kakashi puts a hand on my shoulder because he probably knows about the thoughts racing through my mind. It's hard to hold it together, but I've been trained well. He probably knows this, too. I keep my expression stone-cold. I can't slip up. I need to keep this mask in place.

After the funeral, I make my way home. I kick a pebble across the street and feel my throat constrict. It's getting hard to hold it down. I enter my apartment, laughing and sobbing at the same time – feeling sick to my stomach with grief and many other unpleasant emotions. Even so, no tears come out. Maybe I don't deserve to cry. After all, I'm the one who put Sasuke in the dirt. The memory is still fresh in my mind and I have a feeling it will stay that way for a long, long time.

I can see Sasuke coming at me, chidori shrieking. I remember looking down at my own hand, the rasengan whirling in my palm. We ran to one another and with as much strength as I could muster, I shoved my rasengan right through the chest of my best friend. Sasuke did the same. I remember feeling the chidori break my skin and the feeling of his hand enter my chest… but he missed my heart. I didn't miss his.

I think he missed my heart on purpose. I think he wanted to die and he wanted me to be the one to kill him. I think he was tired. The thought makes me dizzy. The thought makes me want to rip my own heart out just so I can be with him.

He died on my lap. I was so angry at him, but he just smiled up at me. It was the first time I saw him smile like that. I wish the context had been different. I'm no fan of tragedy. He closed his eyes and I knew it was over. Finally, it was over.

I loved him. He was my first friend. He was my best friend. He was my most important person. Now he's none of those things because he's gone. Celebrate life, don't mourn death. Move on. Tragedy happens; such is the life of a ninja. Get used to it. Nonetheless, Tsunade won't let me go on any missions for the next couple weeks. I wouldn't mind a distraction, but I think she's worried I'll slip up or let my emotions get the best of me. I don't blame her for it. To ease her stress, I'll gladly stay in Konoha. I'll wander throughout the town with a big smile on my face so everyone knows I'm doing okay.

I collapse onto my bed, still wearing black. I close my eyes and sigh into my pillow, trying to rid my mind of bad thoughts.

I spend the following day helping Tsunade sort her paperwork. I keep in good spirits until she lets me leave. Now I'm at a bar because there isn't much to do when it gets this late. I order myself sake, taking a page out of Tsunade's book. I drink until I forget how many cups I've had and I notice someone sitting beside me from the corner of my eye. When I turn my head, I spot Kakashi.

"Naruto," he greets.

"Sensei," I mutter.

"You don't have to call me that," he says. "You're a man now and I haven't been your sensei in a long time."

"Old habits die hard," I slur, shrugging my shoulders carelessly.

"How much have you drank?" he asks.

"I don't remember," I admit honestly.

He sighs at that. "You should stop," he suggests. "This doesn't suit you, Naruto."

"Why?" I bite.

Instead of answering, he simply says, "You'll never be as numb as you want to be. Ten drinks won't make a damn difference."

"Are you speaking from experience?" I can't help but wonder.

"Perhaps," he says.

"Kakashi, I'm twenty years old," I say. "I'm not a naïve teenager anymore. I knew Sasuke changed. He wouldn't be the friend he once was, no matter what."

He gives a slow, long nod before changing the subject. "You look so much like your father these days," he says fondly, reaching a hand forward and pushing my bangs off my forehead.

I force a bitter smile. "I'm going home," I tell him a moment later, standing up.

"Probably a good idea," he says.

He's right. I'm drunk and I don't want to do anything stupid.

Come morning, I get sick. I spent an hour in front of the toilet bowl, puking my guts out. By the evening, I'm back to where I was the night before. Kakashi is, too… but this time, we don't speak. We just drink.

Wisely, I decide against getting completely wrecked. Instead, I allow myself to feel what I'm trying so damn hard not to. Somehow, Kakashi knows. "Let it out, Naruto," he says in a gentle yet commanding tone.

I press my lips together, feeling my eyes glaze over. I stare at him angrily, wanting to tell him to stop doing this to me. I let out a shuddery sigh and say, "See? This is why I call you sensei. It's because you keep treating me like I'm your fucking student!"

"I'm not saying this as your sensei," he tells me. "I'm saying it as your friend."

"Damn it," I mutter to myself, pressing the palms of my hands to my eyes.

"Let it out, Naruto," he says again in that same soft tone.

I feel a lump grow in my throat and I try hard to swallow it, but that doesn't help. "Stop it…" I plead in a wet voice.

"Let it out…" he repeats.

I take a deep breath, letting my hands fall. I shoot him a disdainful look before getting up from the bar stool and leaving. I begin walking home, only to have Kakashi follow. "What now?" I ask him, feeling wary and tired and upset.

"Let it out, Naruto," he says. "Once you do, you'll feel at least a little better. This is the first step."

A string of cough-like sobs leave my mouth, even though I try hard to suppress them. "God, I hate you sometimes," I hiss. Maybe it's true. When I was young, all I wanted was for Kakashi to notice me… but he never did. He only had eyes for the talent of the Uchiha. I didn't have the talent Sasuke had, but I wished I did. All I had was determination, but that wasn't enough. It's never enough. There's a part of me that is so full of spite because I wanted him and he didn't care.

"That's okay," he says and I can only cry harder.

"Hit me," I suddenly plead. I don't know what makes me say it, but Kakashi is now giving me the strangest look.

He sighs in response. "I'm not going to hit you, Naruto."

"Why?" I ask, shoving him.

"Because it won't make you feel any better about what happened with Sasuke," he says, getting the nail on the fucking head.

"If you aren't going to give me what I want, then leave me alone!" I growl at him before running. I run home, retreating to my tiny apartment and sitting in my room. I try to will away the tears, but they keep coming. I stare down at the old photograph on my nightstand – Kakashi's eyes are smiling. Sakura has a big grin. Sasuke looks annoyed and I look stubborn. "I'm sorry," I whisper aloud, not sure who I'm apologizing to – Sasuke, Kakashi, Sakura or myself. Nonetheless, none of them are here but me. I couldn't keep that old promise to Sakura. I couldn't bring Sasuke home. I'm not the only one who lost something precious. Kakashi lost his favorite student and Sakura lost the love of her life.

A few moments later, there's a knock at my door. I let out a sigh and open the door and Kakashi is standing in front of me. "What do you want now?" I ask him.

"To make sure you're okay," he says.

"Well," I shrug, rubbing the tear streaks off my cheeks. "I'm fine, as you can see."

"Are you really?" He doesn't sound quite convinced.

I reach forward, putting my hands on his cheeks. When he doesn't push me away, I let my fingers inch towards the mask he wears, slowly pulling it down. "Handsome," I murmur. It's my first time seeing him – really seeing him. I let my fingers ghost across his face and lips and strong jaw, feeling mesmerized.

His expression remains stoic. Suddenly, I force a smile, tilting my head towards him. I press my lips onto his; wanting to get a reaction but when I draw back he's still blank. "Come on," I urge, finally letting my hands fall. "Why else are you here?"

"I'm not here for that, Naruto," he gently insists.

"I bet you want it," I bite coldly. I'm not sure what makes me say it. I think I'm the one that wants it most and he probably sees that.

He takes a step inside, closing the door behind him. I back away, towards my bed and he pushes me down onto the mattress. He hovers over me, looking almost piteous. Slowly, he moves forward, inching closer and closer until our lips are once again fastened. He kisses me gingerly and I kiss back.

Once he draws away, clothing is removed in a frantic and desperate frenzy. I don't know why I'm doing this. This is how I punish myself. Disgusting, isn't it? It's been this way since I turned fifteen and failed at getting Sasuke back for the second time. I'm always failing. Sometimes I think Sakura hates me for it… Not that it matters to me much these days. I don't see her as often as I'd like. She's a medical ninja and I'm an ANBU.

I close my eyes, feeling Kakashi's hands rake over me. He adds one finger, then two before positioning himself. The entire time, I don't say a word. I just moan softly, trying to get lost in the sensation. This isn't my first careless fuck and it probably won't be my last. "Harder…" I breathe.

"Naruto –" he starts in a piteous tone, but I cut him off.

"Hurt me," I demand.

He refuses.

"Hurt me!" I shout the words this time, perfectly aware of the tears rolling down my cheeks. I never meant to show this side of myself to Kakashi. Come morning, he may hate me for it.

"Sh," Kakashi says softly. "You're okay… You're okay, I promise."

"I'm okay," I murmur to myself.

The whole time, he's gentle. I don't know why. He should punish me, but he won't. Again, I don't know why. Instead, he's doing the opposite and for some reason that hurts more than any pain he could purposefully inflict because I know I don't deserve to feel like I'm loved.

Kakashi stays the night. That surprises me. I half assumed a one night stand would follow. When I wake up, he's sitting at my table, watching as I enter the land of the living. His mask is once again in place, not that I expected anything different. "Sakura doesn't hate you, Naruto," he says. "Neither do I."

I scoff lightly. "What now, then?" I ask.

"Whatever you want," he says. "For once in your life, be selfish. Reach forward and take what you want."

I force a smile, getting out of bed and throwing a pair of cotton pants on. "Okay," I say, approaching him. I lower the mask one more time and peck him on the lips. It's quick and it's brief, but we both know what it means.

Kakashi leaves shortly after and I let him, knowing I'll see him again soon – whether it's at the bar, on a mission, or while passing through the busy streets of Konoha… whether it's today or tomorrow or after that, I'll see him soon.

In the evening, there's a knock on my door. Sakura is there holding a takeout box from Ichiraku. "Here," she says, handing it to me. "Kakashi sent me over. He said you had a rough night."

"Thanks," I mutter, taking it and letting her in.

I take a seat at my table and she sits across from me. She reaches over the surface, holding my hands in hers. "I'm not angry with you, Naruto," she says softly.

"You deserve to be," I whisper. "You deserve to hate me."

"That's not true… and even if it was, I don't hate you," she promises. "You said you'd bring Sasuke home… and you did, Naruto. He's home now. He's at peace. He couldn't bring himself peace, but you gave him peace. You brought him home. You kept your promise."

I let out a laugh that sounds like a sob, rubbing a hand down my wary face. For some reason, knowing that makes me feel a little lighter.

Sakura gives my hand a squeeze before letting go. "Eat up," she says with a smile. "Kakashi said he'd train with us."

"Okay," I force a smile in return, opening the takeout box. I'm welcomed with the scent of my favorite ramen. Ah… Sakura still knows me well.

Afterward, I leave my apartment with Sakura. We chat aimlessly until we reach the training ground. Kakashi is here; looking the way he usually does, eyes smiling as he greets us. He's got those damn bells in his hand. Sometimes we still do this. Even though we're older, we welcome the nostalgia this brings us. I think Sakura notices the way my eyes linger fondly in his direction, but she doesn't say anything. She lets things sit and for that, I'm glad.

"So, here we are again," Kakashi says. "It's no longer a lesson. I've taught you both all I know and you've taken these lessons to heart… You never left Sasuke behind, Naruto," he promises. "Not once."

Sakura looks at me, offering a nod and a reassuring smile. "He's right, Naruto."

I force a smile, but I don't say anything. I feel like I might cry if I speak. I take a deep breath, a calm breath…

"Ready?" Kakashi asks us.

Me and Sakura swap a look, grinning at one another before planning our attack.

I wonder if things will change now. I think they have to. We're always moving forward, never back. Kakashi knows this, too. It's a lesson I've just learned. It will take time, but it's the same with most things. Grief will slowly start to ebb away and just like Kakashi promised, I'll be okay.

-Fin-