Title: Where For Art, Thou Beanie?
Rating: R
Category: Crack, Romance, Parody, Humor . . .
Genre: Het/Mixed? LOL
Pairing: McGee/Ziva, obvs; others a surprise
Summary: Ziva is very distraught over the loss of something very important to her. VERY important.
Spoilers: Wow. None. Not really. Super minor one for "Dead Man Walking," if you want to consider it a spoiler. (If you've seen the end of season 4, you already know about it, so . . .)
Disclaimer: These characters belong to DPB, CBS, Paramount, et al. No copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Notes: Follow-up to Fight For Your Woman! Also mentions Mission: McGee briefly. Incredibly crack!tastic. They get worse every time.
Ziva fell to her knees behind her desk. No, she wasn't about to give a blowjob. That would come much later, once she found what she was so desperate to find.
"Where have you gone, Mr. Gemcity?" she mumbled to herself.
It was probably a good thing Tony wasn't around, because he would have assumed she was looking for McGee, and while that was partially true (he had ran off after she suggested she teach him some knife-handling skills – unaware that she was using the term as a cover for sex; she just needed to use terminology that didn't relate to her job skills, that was all), it was in fact not him she was looking for, but rather her hat.
Yes, she had misplaced her precious Thom E. Gemcity beanie McGee had given her, the one the very same greenish hue as his eyes, the one that looked so fantastic on his bedroom floor . . .
Ziva popped her head out from under Gibbs' desk, where she had crawled to search. Could it be that it was in McGee's apartment yet? She had left in rather a rush, as time had gotten away from them the night before and she had been "ridin' 'em cowboy" when they looked over to see that it was nearly time for them to be at work.
She frowned to herself. She would just have to track down McGee and ask if the beanie was at his place. But then there was that – he was still nowhere to be seen.
Tears pricked in Ziva's eyes. She couldn't lose yet another hat! How would she go on her morning runs? Her head would certainly lose all its warmth and she would die from hypothermia.
Okay, so it's not that cold in D.C., but when you're up running at 5 A.M., it certainly doesn't feel like summer, either.
Ziva bit her lip to hold back her tears. She needed comforting, and there was no one better at it than a rambling autopsy technician.
She ran to the elevator, hand over her mouth (how that prevents people from crying, I'll never know, but it works), and quickly stepped in, just missing McGee returning to his desk, looking confused.
"I don't know where she went," he thought aloud, scratching his head. "She said she was going to teach me knife-handling skills. I'm not stupid. I figured she'd meet me in the men's room . . ."
The elevator beside autopsy opened and the emotional Ziva ran out, rushing into Ducky's haven. She was so entrenched in her woe over the loss of her beanie that she didn't even blink an eye at Jimmy Palmer and Agent Lee hiding in the corner – and was that Ducky's mother with them? Oh, it didn't matter. All that mattered now was turning to that great psychologist, Doctor Donald 'Ducky' Mallard.
"Ducky!" Ziva cried as she spotted him just sliding a corpse into the freezer. He turned to her.
"Oh, my dear, what seems to be the problem?" he asked upon hearing her distraught tone of voice.
That did her in. Ziva wasn't normally a crier, but just hearing Ducky's concern set off a barrage of tears, and she fell into his open arms, allowing him to comfort her.
"My beanie is missing!" she sobbed.
"Oh, dear," he muttered, patting her gently on the back. He had heard of the hard time she had adjusting to the Gemcity beanie after losing her precious orange "Roy" beanie, and couldn't imagine the agony she would go through if she lost this one – especially since it was from Timothy, and they had been, well, intimate lately.
"Would you hold on for a moment, dear?" Ducky asked, holding her at arm's length to look at her more closely.
Ziva sniffled, nodding her head. "Yes, Doctor, I can do that."
Ducky smiled wanly, patting her on the arm. "It will be fine, Ziva. I shall call up to the squadroom and find the information you so seek." He walked over to his phone, leaving Ziva weeping softly to herself.
Up in the squadroom, McGee was doing a search on outgoing phone calls from Ziva's phone, her criminal history, putting out a BOLO . . . anything to find out where she had went. Gibbs walked through and sat down at his desk just as McGee's phone rang.
"McGee," he answered, hoping it was Ziva on the other end telling him she was waiting in the elevator or in Abby's office or the autopsy van (wait – that was Palmer and Lee's territory).
"Yes, Timothy, it is Dr. Mallard," Ducky's voice came over the line.
McGee sighed. So much for getting some. "Yeah, Ducky?"
Ducky sighed. "I'm afraid Ziva is down here . . ."
"Ziva?" McGee interrupted, his attention suddenly returned. "What is she . . . Why is she . . . Is she mad at me?"
Ducky chuckled. "Oh, my dear boy, I would not be concerned if I were you."
McGee furrowed his brow. "Well, then what's going on?"
Ducky let out a sigh and lowered his voice, looking over to where Ziva was rocking herself. "She appears to have misplaced her beanie."
McGeelet out a deep breath. "It might be at my place . . ."
"Oh, dear," Ducky suddenly said. "Timothy, I'm afraid I must go."
"Ducky, wait!" But Ducky had already hung up on the worried agent.
McGee hung up his own phone and frowned. He had to see Ziva, make sure she was okay, find that damn beanie before she lost her mind . . .
"McGee!"
He looked up to find Gibbs giving him a questioning look. "Yeah, Boss?" He was almost afraid of what the older man had to say.
Gibbs raised an eyebrow. "You better have more of those beanies around."
McGee sighed. He didn't even want to know how Gibbs knew exactly what he was thinking at that moment – the man was psychic, I swear to God. "But I just sold the last one to Pimmy Jalmer's number one fan!"
Gibbs shook his head. "I'll go give her the bad news." He stood up and walked to the elevator before McGee could even think of a way to stop him. Oh, hell, like it would even do any good if he had thought of an excuse to make Gibbs stay. This was Gibbs, after all.
Back in autopsy, Ducky had rushed back to Ziva's side, as she had picked up one of his scalpels out of interest or boredom or the need for the feel of a weapon in her hand . . . Whatever the case, he wanted to retrieve the sharp object before someone other than a corpse got . . . scalpeled.
He plucked the blade from her hand and she looked at him with tearful eyes. It was so terrible to see Ziva, the strong woman that she was, reduced to tears as she was. He placed his hands on her upper arms, comforting her as she mourned.
"Oh, Ducky, I can't believe I've lost yet another!" she sobbed, tears wracking her body.
Ducky made soothing noises and rubbed her arms. "Shh, it will be fine, dear. I'm sure Timothy has a backstock of Gemcity beanies . . ."
Just then, the doors shushed open and Gibbs walked in, looking like a man on a mission. Okay, so he was on a mission. Just not to sleep with McGee. Hoo boy. That was entirely Ziva's territory. And maybe Tony's. Anyway. That's an entirely different story. Or two. So, Gibbs walked in, answering Ducky's and Ziva's concern with a few brusque words.
"Nope. He's fresh out."
Ziva burst into a fresh set of tears, leaving Ducky sighing. He gave her a brief pat on the back, then turned to Gibbs.
"You could have been a tad more understanding, Jethro. The dear girl is in agony. This is the second hat she has lost in a month, and this one was from Timothy! Surely you understand what that means."
Gibbs looked to Ziva, who was still shaking with sobs, then back to Ducky, unaffected by the agent's show. "Yeah, it means she's gonna get a new hat, and not from McGee!"
Just as Gibbs' words spilled from his mouth, the doors to autopsy opened yet again (Palmer and Lee and Mrs. Mallard sure were getting tired of people interrupting them) and McGee walked in, stopping dead in his tracks upon hearing Gibbs' declaration.
"What?" he asked at the same time as Ziva. They looked at each other, having eyesex – I mean, communicating through their eyes that they would talk later.
"You heard me, McGee," Gibbs said, walking over to him and headslapping him for no other reason than he just could. "Every time Ziva gets a new hat, it's always from a new love interest. And since she's lost yours, you're out of the picture."
"No!" both McGee and Ziva exclaimed. They liked each other! And who was Gibbs to tell them who they could or couldn't date? Well, sleep with, really, seeing as how they never really went out . . . But that's beside the point.
Gibbs nodded. "I'm afraid so, Tim."
McGee's face fell. "Well, then, who's she getting her next hat from?"
Ziva looked to Gibbs with concern and he sighed. "Oh, please do not tell me it is Tony. I will personally disembowel you and hang your corpse from the flagpole outside this building if you tell me it is Tony."
Gibbs scratched his head. "Nope. Not Tony."
"Then who is it?" McGee queried. Surely no man would be able to take his place in Ziva's heart.
He shrugged and reached into his back pocket, pulling out an NCIS beanie. "There wasn't an appropriate time or place . . ."
Ziva gasped, taking the hat from his hand, looking at Gibbs, then McGee, then Gibbs, then McGee, then . . . Well, you get the picture. "Gibbs, I . . ."
Gibbs waved her words away. "You don't have to say it. You're welcome."
Ziva bit her lip. "Um, I was actually going to say . . . I remembered where I put McGee's hat." She held the NCIS beanie out for Gibbs to take back. "I'm sorry, Gibbs. McGee is all the man I need." She turned and rushed into McGee's arms, as he simply smiled that he had defeated the Big Bad Wolf.
Okay, so Gibbs wasn't all that Big or Bad, or even a Wolf, for that matter. But none of that mattered. Ziva had her hat back, she had her man, and they could return to their nightly activities knowing she'd be able to wake up and run without dying of hypothermia. It was a wonderful world.
The couple exited autopsy, their hands still all over each other, and Gibbs soon followed, head down like a little puppy dog (closer to a Wolf, but still a good distance away). Ducky turned and looked to the trio huddled in the corner.
"What? You were expecting something normal?"
THE END!!!