LOST AND FOUND
"Oh I'm afraid of the world I'm in.
Every war was another seed
That could feed every soul in need
Oh, I'm worn by the war in me
Oh I am lost and found…"
A bullet. A simple, small-caliber bullet was all a dangerous man needed to kill someone. To make someone disappear. A bullet. This man they had found the day before, on a park, had been killed by a sniper. They managed to arrest the culprit, yes, but it didn't change a thing. Someone was dead. Someone was dead because of a motiveless sniper who just wanted to shoot and kill.
It brought to many memories into Kate Beckett's mind. She was alone in the 12th, it was getting late and all of her colleagues had already come back to their places. But, the young woman still had some paperwork to do. She was lost in her thoughts. A sniper. A bullet. Blood. Shouting. Dead body. Paperwork. A few months ago, it would have just been the very usual, an endless vicious circle: a victim leading to a killer leading to paperwork. But since she had herself been shot, she couldn't just fill out paperwork without thinking that she could have been a victim. She was used to doing her best not to think of the shooting when she was at the office, when she was with someone else than her therapist. But sometimes, her strength was not enough and the psychological consequences of that day overcame her.
She remembered everything. Every single detail of it. Roy protecting her. Roy saving her. Roy's death. Roy's funeral. The very deep and meaningful look she and Castle had exchanged. The people, all dressed in black, crying, looking down. Her speech. And a second later, a sniper, in the cemetery. She had not even caught sight of him, of his silhouette than there it was. A bullet. The bullet. In her chest. People standing. People screaming. People running. The pain in her chest. Castle coming to her, looking at her with fearful eyes. Castle saying 'I love you'. The tears on her cheeks. On his. The completete blackout until her waking at the hospital.
She could remember every detail of that day. She could have died. She was the cop, but she could have easily been the victim. She went to the bathroom, flushed some water on her face and looked at her reflection in the mirror. She looked pale, and as tired as someone who haven't been sleeping for days. She needed to stop lying. To Castle. To herself. No, she was not fine. She was not okay. She was not that strong. She was still scared. Scared to death. That day had just been another proof. She had been facing a killer, a man pointing his gun at her. She was used to it. She had been doing this for years: calming the suspect down, cuffing him and putting him into custody. But, she'd had a violent flashback on the day she had been shot. She tried to calm down, she tried to remember Castle saying 'Take it easy, Kate. You've got this'. But it still was not enough. Yes, she and Esposito and managed to stop that guy. But when she found herself alone, the only thing she could see was the gun. This man's gun right in front of her eyes. Pointing at her. Just like on Roy's funeral. She needed to talk to someone. Someone who knew her. Not to her therapist. This man was paid for listening to her, but he did not know her.
Kate took a deep breath. She knew he would probably be mad to hear she had been lying to him, telling him she did not remember. But she could not take it anymore. She had to talk to him. She had to tell him the truth. She needed it. She needed him.
She grabbed her phone on her desk, dialed his number.
"Detective Beckett?" said Castle.
"Hey, Castle. Look… We need to talk. There's something you need to know", she answered quietly.