Lighting flashed and thunder rumbled over the city of Teufort as a lone figure stood on top of a building, surveying the scene. Two men caught his eye, and he jumped off and ran towards the scene.
"Give me all of your money!" shouted the first man. He had a ski mask on and was holding a gun out at the man. The second man nervously pulled out his wallet and handed over his money. Suddenly, the same figure appeared out of nowhere and whacked the gun out of the man's hand.
"Argh! Who do you think you are?"
"I am…" With a dramatic pause, the figure swept off his cloak to reveal that he was actually just the BLU Scout with the Haunted Hat, Chucklenuts the squirrel, and the Delinquent's Down Vest. "The Bat-Man! Like, you know, it's like Batman, but with the other kind of bat. Like the one they use in baseball. Speaking of baseball, you know that last match, between the Dodgers and the-"
"I don't care who you are!" shouted the man, who had by this time retrieved his pistol. "I'll shoot you too!"
However, all the Scout heard was "blah blah steal stuff blah blah evil blah blah guns and stuff blah blah waffles".
"Snipes! Get him!" The Bat-Man called. A sudden arrow snatched the gun out of the man's hand once again and pinned it to the wall. The BLU Sniper walked out of the shadows with his Huntsman out and the Anger bandanna over his face.
"I told you, I want to be Owl if I'm doing this!" snapped the Sniper. "Because I make a really good owl. Remember Halloween? It's also a bird, like Robin."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever, Snipes." The Scout waved him off. "But anyway! We're like the crime fighting duo of the decade! Bat-Man and Snipes ("OWL!" The Sniper hissed.) will stop all crime in Teufort forever!" It would most likely be a week, but it would at least be a very not crime-filled week.
"Seriously?" The man looked at them. All he saw was a buck-toothed Bostonian with a squirrel and a creepy Australian man who looked like he really needed a shower with a bow. "You look really pathetic for heroes-"
He ended up in the hospital with a concussion, an arrow through his left foot, and possible rabies from Chucklenuts.
But that's irrelevant, because he's not the center of this story. Bat-Man and Snipes (Owl, whatever) are the center! So we follow their misadventures and stuff.
So that night, Bat-Man and Snipes walked through the town, looking for crime. There wasn't too much crime, but wherever the Scout went, trouble was sure to follow. And of course…
"Hey! Look! It's the RED Spy!" Bat-Man pointed out. Sure enough, it was the Spy of the RED team. He was walking around and generally looking suspicious, which was basically what all Spies did. Chucklenuts made an angry squirrel sound.
"Crikey, you're right!" Snipes raised his bow. "Want me to nail him in the forehead?"
"Nah, we should follow him and see what happens." Bat-Man tossed his bat around, preparing for a potential fight. "Maybe he's doing something illegal. Because you know, he went into the bar. Illegal people always go into bars. I think that's how it works. (It wasn't.) Chucklenuts, you stay here unless we call for you, okay?" Chucklnuts made a squirrel sound and bounded over to beneath a tree.
then, Bat-Man and Snipes ran into the bar. And stopped. There were incredibly many people in the bar, almost to the point where it was impossible to get around. There were just that many people in there.
"Oi! Bloody pikers! Move!" Snipes growled. No one listened, and even if they did, they couldn't move at all.
Bat-Man managed to double jump above the crowd and go through like he was riding the crowd. He was admittedly pissing off those were not drunk enough to notice it, but it was a successful path through the incredibly dense crowd. Bat-Man looked around, hoping to catch sight of the RED Spy.
He finally managed to find the RED Spy, who was somehow in a non-crowded corner of the bar. He jumped over the last people in the crowd and landed in front of the RED Spy. The RED Spy was surprised.
"HA! I've caught you now, villain!" The Scout cried. "You're, like, doing illegal stuff, probably! That's how Spies work and stuff!"
"Wait, what?" The Spy stood up. "You're… BLU Scout?! What are you doing here?"
"It's because of you freaking Spies everywhere!" Bat-Man shouted. "Also my name is the Bat-Man, not the Scout! I am not the Scout right now! And my sidekick Snipes is with me too!"
"And by Snipes I believe you mean your team's Sniper?" The RED Spy dryly remarked. "How did you convince him to join you in this foolishness?"
"Uh... he wanted to join." Bat-Man stammered out suspiciously.
"Then why does it sound like you're lying?" The RED Spy asked.
"Alright fine, he joined because I blackmailed him!" Bat-Man admitted. "But that's not the point! You're doing illegal stuff in this bar! I can feel it!"
"What? Who told you that?" The Spy asked him as he oh-so-casually swept his illegal looking briefcase off of his small table. Bat-Man did not notice.
"No one! It was my intuition!" Bat-Man triumphantly pointed his bat at him. "We should… actually, since Snipes isn't here, I should report you to the authorities!"
"I'm not doing anything illegal, BLU Scout." The RED Spy groaned. "I'm just waiting here for someone so I can discuss a personal matter with them."
"Ha!" Bat-Man attempted to make a fake laugh and miserably failed. "A likely story. And even if it was true, you were probably going to discuss an illegal personal matter!"
"If you must know, I will be talking with one of the agents I set to ensure the safety of your mother!" The Spy snapped at him.
"Hey! That's not cool, Spy! Take your dirty, diseased hands off of her!" Bat-Man whacked him somewhat-lightly on the shoulder.
"How? I am not touching her now, am I?" questioned the Spy. "And besides, I've sent them to PROTECT her, not to kill her. My enormous salary is hardly lessened. Don't you think it's suspicious at all that she never runs out of money, no matter how much she spends? How she's never harmed in such a city like Boston? You say it yourself: 'If you was from where I was from, you'd be f*cking dead!'" The RED Spy flawlessly imitated the Bostonian's voice.
"Alright, so I guess you're right." Bat-Man admitted. "But now I don't have anyone to bust for something illegal!"
"Well, about illegal…" The RED Spy laughed. "I happen to know that my team's Medic is doing some black market organ dealing. I also happen to know that he gets his organ from the battlefield, a basic infinite source."
"You mean like- OH MAN, that's gross! You mean he just picks up organs when we get blown up?" Bat-Man was used to blood and gore and all that, but that was a new level of disturbing. "Where does he store them?"
"In his fridge." The RED Spy sipped his tea that seemed to appear out of nowhere. "Ask your team's Spy. He should know, after his head was in there for those three weeks."
"Cool! Spy, where is he?" Bat-Man eagerly asked.
"Why, he's just two blocks away." The Spy waved him away. "Go away, you pesky Scout."
"I'm the Bat-Man!" snapped the Bat-Man. "Thanks, but you're still a jerk."
As the Bat-Man walked away, the RED Spy sighed. "Thank god he believed that. He's such an idiot. Perhaps I may look after his mother, but I'm certainly not meeting with agents about her."
10 minutes later, Bat-Man finally managed to extricate his sidekick from the mass of people and take off for the illegal meeting place. Bat-Man was so sure he had a firm case on his side.
They busted in the door. "FREEZE!" shouted Bat-Man. Then he froze. Inside the building were ten ruthless looking hulking brutes and no RED Medic in sight.
"Er, Scout, I think we're one building too far to the left," whispered Snipes. "Uh, back up before something- Aw, piss." They all cracked their knuckles simultaneously and took a menacing step forward. They ran out of there as fast as they could and kicked in the door in the building to the left.
"Is this the right one?" At the sound of his voice, the three men immediately turned around. They were the RED Medic and Heavy as well as a man with an evil looking mustache. Bat-Man immediately knew that this man had to be up to no good. Just look at his mustache! That long, luscious mustache!
"Ach, was ist los?" The RED Medic grumbled. Then he did a double take. "What? The BLU Scout?"
"What is little man doing out of BLU fort?" rumbled the RED Heavy.
"You're doing bad stuff and I'm here to stop you!" Bat-Man took a dramatic pose. "My sidekick Snipes ("I give up." growled Snipes.) will help me! I heard from your team's Spy that you're selling our organs to people! THAT'S NOT COOL!"
The Heavy immediately lurched forward but was stopped quickly by one of Snipes's arrows in his large hands. He howled in pain and pulled it out but it was replaced by yet another one in his leg. As the Heavy was distracted by Snipes, Bat-Man ran forward and engaged the Medic, who pulled out his Ubersaw for combat.
"Stay still!" The Medic shouted at Bat-Man. He was double-jumping and basically avoiding everything. However, this slightly impeded his ability to smack the Medic.
"What is this?" The third man sounded more annoyed than anything. "I was not informed that there would be some kind of immature vigilante running around to stop us."
"Hey!" Bat-Man stopped. "I am NOT immature! Say that one more time, I dare you! If you were from, where I was from, you'd be f*cking dead!" The Medic saw his chance and put his blade to Bat-Man's back.
"Now will you stand still, pesky kind?" The Medic snapped. The Heavy walked over with many arrow holes in his various limbs. Luckily for him, they were mostly superficial. He was holding the struggling Snipes.
"No! Let Snipes go, you big fat fatty fat fat!" shouted Bat-Man.
What will Bat-Man and Snipes do in the clutches of the RED Medic and Heavy? Who is this man with this lusciously evil mustache? Where did Scout's Haunted Hat come from? Will the RED Spy come back and do something silly? What happened to the guy with a concussion and a shot left foot? Where is Chucklenuts? All this and more will be answered in… CHAPTER 2. And stuff.
Yay for SKERY HEHT reference.