A/N Hmmm...^^
The last oneshot was fluff, this is more serious - but not angsty, at least I hope it´s not.
Anyway. Peter´s POV. Not specially related to any episode.
I was promised I´d love the next few Fringe episodes as soon as I watched them^^ I`m definitely looking forwards to them! Also, thanks a lot to all the people who keep reading and reviewing my little one shots, especially thanks to bethechangex3 this time!
Disclaimer: No copyrightinFringement intended, meaning: I don´t own Fringe. The things I could do - or let them do if I did... Hehe...
Not the typical savior
The Universe – or God, if you want – seems to possess a quite unique sense of humor.
Why? There is a quite simple reason.
Because it chose you as its savior – and now look at you. You´re not the type of person one trusts to be able to save the world. Never mention two whole universes. Universes. Plural form.
When I got to know you first, you marched in on me, blackmailed me, dragged me back to a country I never wanted to see again and forced me to cooperate. Or, to be precise: You forced me to play babysitter for a person who, according to my birth certificate, was my biological father, and who, according to his police file, had murdered a woman and had lost his mind. You made me return to a life I despised, into a country I had happily abandoned, to a man I had fled from and to memories I had desperately wanted to forget. And for what reason? Because your lover was dying. Oh, and, I forgot: Because the world was coming to an end. But you didn´t know that at that moment.
Admirable attitude, I have to admit. Sadly, I left such unnecessary niceties behind a long time ago. As well as all those other foolish attitudes you still cultivate: Loyalty towards your home country, towards the Bureau. Dedication towards your job and your friends and family. Compassion towards others. The idea that money isn´t everything in the world, that there is still hope for the lost people, that words can fix things, that children still are innocent and naïve. I bet you still believe in Santa Claus. Haven´t you learned anything?
There is nothing like absolute truth. Nothing like unconditioned love – he should have taught you so. There is nothing like salvation, nothing like purity, peace, hope. People don´t exist because they have a reason to or because they believe in it for its own sake. It´s just one big joke the universe is having and it is enjoying itself immensely – at our expense. Haven´t you realized it jet? Or why is it that everything you touch goes up in flames, shatters, dies? You don´t have to blame yourself for these results – it´s just the way it is. And somehow, you managed to get me involved as well. Now I´m in this with you and I can´t escape. So I watch you break a bit more every day. How many people have you seen dying? How many people have you killed? How many people have you actually saved – and how many more have you sentenced to death by a simple decision you made?
Do you see what I mean? You´re no heroine. You´re no savior, not at all. You´re human and you make mistakes. You try to get it right but you fail utterly, again and again, and still, you try again and I watch you failing. You´re not the savior awaited by this world. You´re just a pathetic, broken and naïve person, believing that personal experience with pain will give you the insight you need to understand this world and its inhabitants. Like me. You believe just because pain, death and deceit have touched you, you are able to feel our pain as well, to understand it. The biggest deceiver is you. You cry at night, alone in your bed, having nightmares about how this world will come to an end. You wonder whether we´ll live to see the leaves turn red next fall. You argue that we have to do something, anything, while you know there is little we can do and even less we are able to do. You try to help, not noticing you make it worse, you try to act, not knowing it´s your action that drives us down, deeper and deeper, into the abyss. You try to hide that you´re tired, exhausted, sad, and desperate, as desperate as we all are. You have almost lost your faith by now. And that, Olivia Dunham, is not what a heroine is like.
Because saviors are different. They are special. They know solutions, they know what to do. They know who´s the bad guy and how the whole story will end and what there is to do to make it a happy end. They save the world – two worlds, multiple worlds – every day and twice on Sundays without even blinking. They´re not like you at all.
They´re not broken, not lost, not disillusioned. They don´t have nightmares, they don´t regret killing people, they don´t get themselves thrown through the front window of a car and suffer a bad headache afterwards. They don´t see memories or hear voices of their dead boyfriends or change realities for a few hours, and if, it doesn´t drive them insane. They don´t carry weapons, they don´t interrogate suspects, they don´t work for the FBI. Getting to think of it, they probably shit gold and live on love and water, too. They don´t pay taxes and get a free meal trice a day. Doesn´t sound that bad. And: They are strong.
You´re weak.
You try to hide it, you deny it, but I see the truth. It was difficult first; I admit you have a bit of a poker face. But I have perfected one, too, all my life, and I happen to know where to look for little slits in order to peek behind it. You break, you shatter, you fear, nothing you do is free of doubts and anxiety. Every step you take is a risk. Every decision you make a compromise. You don´t even know how to save this world. Searching for a single person? Yeah, of course. If you ask me, that´s another sign the universe is really having a good laugh right now. How are you supposed to save this world by finding someone you have never seen before? That´s impossible. You´re just a human being. You´re not exceedingly strong or stunningly beautiful, you´re smart, but you´re not a genius, and you definitely have no kind of superpowers. Think about that and tell me you still believe in universal salvation delivered by your hands.
Oh, God, Olivia. Please don´t tell me you still want to continue? For Heaven´s sake, did you actually listen to me for the last ten minutes or have I been talking to myself again? See? A good savior would at least listen to his friends. You´re just a normal human being. You´re not the reason for all this mess here and you´re not responsible for cleaning up! Are you listening? It´s not your fault so many people have been dying! Gosh, you´re really dense. No, wait, where are you going? What? Didn´t I make myself clear? No way I´m coming. I´ve had enough. You can´t drag me into this further. You´re just going to kill both of us with this reckless attitude of yours. No, thanks, I´d like to live to see the sun rise tomorrow. I´ll see you at your funeral. Make sure to wear something nice. Olivia… Hey, Olivia! Wait! You´re really doing this, right?
Are you stupid?
Yeah, I know. Are you actually admitting you´ve been listening to me? I´m flattered, but if you listened, you´d have heard you can´t feel responsible for the mess this world has brought itself into, so you don´t…
There she goes. Dammit.
You thick-headed woman, at least wait until I grabbed my jacket. I´m not standing at the sideline, watching you get killed in one of your stupid attempts to save the world. Or whatever.
And no, I´m not soft-hearted. I just want to be there when you realize I was right all the way.
A/N There they go^^ I think it started out with the line "There´s nothing like unconditional love"... I still hope you liked it!